I confiscated dds phone, she's found it and I've just caught her using it, punishment?

[Sarkyharky]

She must have gone into my knicker drawer and found it hidden there. I've just caught her in her room using it. She tried to hide it. I took it away, shut the door and I've come downstairs. Haven't said anything.

I feel really disappointed in her. I wish I'd never given her the bloody thing, she's completely addicted to it. I've never known her to be underhand and sneaky like this.

Obviously the phone stays hidden somewhere else! Wwyd?

She's 11 about to be 12.

Punishment is useless without parallel explanation of why it’s there and what it’s meant to teach. Neither has any teeth without the other.

*Discipline has to be proportionate. She hasn't done her homework. You let school pick that up with detentions

No. YOU may leave it up to school but I do not. Homework is non negotiable in this house.*

Completely with you on this one OP- as a teacher I can safely say there are few things more frustrating than parents thinking that discipline is down to the school.

Detentions for no homework don't work nearly as effectively as proper parenting.

I talk to her lots. I am actually concerned that she's addicted,as I have said before. It's very out of character for her to do something like this.

Genuinely was barely once punished as a child, except very short term consequences such as for instance doing half an hour of chores or something, and I’m well-adjusted, happy and kind adult who is very successful in my career. My mum talked to me and helped me understand WHY certain things were wrong or right, she didn’t confiscate and threaten and punish unless in the most extreme circumstances . In the school I work at ironically lots of the students who talk about grounding and punishments all the time are actually the worst behaved. Seems some kids get to 15 and nothing works on them because they have been over punished. Talking and listening are massively under-utilised by some parents IMO.

But by taking the phone away you are not developing self regulation?

Our teenager is 16 and cannot self regulate for an instant. We have been rowing about fucking screen time for six years. We've experimented with strict controls, light touch controls, and nothing works. He is currently cruising towards bad exam results because he just can't stop his screen use and, when stopped by us, just stares into space. Not all kids can self regulate whatever you do.

OP, I'd ground her for the theft and hand the phone back at the end of the weekend, once homework is done. It's not quite a doubling but it makes the point that she was her own worst enemy by taking it back. And please don't buy her an expensive gadget like an Echo instead of her phone.

If it’s out of character then just talk and listen and stick to the original punishment.

I do think you may slightly be making a mountain out of a molehill here. She was probably desperate to talk to a friend or answer/ask a question and she made a wrong choice. It’ll be fine.

Actually, kids whose parents demand 'respect' and pile punishment on top of punishment are often the ones who go really badly wrong. Because they recognise that their parents are bullies, and therefore there is no one they can really trust.

Complete agree. I see it so often with parents getting into the never ending cycle of punishment on top of punishment and never seem to realise that their approach clearly isnt very affective.
Being given weird consequences that dont happen in the adult world we are preparing them for or make any sense to the teen have no purpose except allowing the parent to show how much power and controll they have over the child and end up breaking down trust, creating resentment and making the child more likely to want or need to lie, sneak around and break more of their parents rules.
Whereas teenagers who are talked and listened to as well a trusted and respected are much more likely to want to compromise and work with their parents and less likely to need to lie or sneek around them.

It is a very normal for the punished child to eventually do what s/he was punished for behind the parent's back, especiallyfor things like playing with phones tablets or ipads
And it is very common for parents to be angry and not recovnise it as their anger they are taking out on their children, and enjoy punishing their child feeling like a wonderfully justified parent, as they belive their child will now stop obsessing about playing the phone or tablet or laptop When actually all that happens is the child learns to hide their behaviour, do it secretly, and parents think all is well when they take their anger out on the child but fail to realise the child may look polite and appear inhibited however they still desire the same phone or tablet use, but just inhibit their desire infront of adults , until they can do it whennot being watched. As the strong desire to play with and use the phone/ device is still there.
But as parents we need to realise that punishments do not actually stop the child from wanting to do the punished behaviour. In fact as soon as they can they will still do it , but are forced too do it behind your back They may wait until much older but will eventually play endlessly on their phone again, despite your punishment

Frombothsidesnow that sounds fair and reasonable. I am actually quite worried about her fucking phone! She never reads, her concentration span is pretty shit. She's doing OK at school but she's really bright and could be doing better. I regret getting it.

Change the WiFi password and don't give it to her.

I wouldn't give her the phone minus a charger, there would always be a mate with a spare one - you can buy a cable from the pound shop. She has already shown she has a sneaky side (haven't they all) Just try and stay one step ahead.

*Discipline has to be proportionate. She hasn't done her homework. You let school pick that up with detentions

No. YOU may leave it up to school but I do not. Homework is non negotiable in this house.*

Exactly right sarkyharky as a teacher I can tell you that parents who take reanimated's attitude don't have the most respectful, best behaved kids.

Or maybe it escalated because your response was disproportionate and/or not a sanction that had been agreed in advance?

Agreed in advance? What 11 year old is going to agree to a sanction in advance. Why would they? The daughter wasn't doing her homework because she as on her phone. Phone is taken away. Exactly the correct and proportionate sanction.

Child sneaks into parent's room and searches through parent's belongings to find the phone and steals it back. Parent takes phone back and keeps for longer time. Perfectly proportionate response.

My mum would have been furious if I had gone rifling through her things as a child and I would have been punished. I love and respect my mum.

OK, can we just get one thing straight.

I am not draconian but in this instance I am going to make sure there are consequences for her actions.

I don't believe in no punishment, letting the school sort it, if I dare to tell her off she'll end up in borstal etc etc.

She's got data strawberry!!

Banning for a week was a bit extreme, a couple of days would have been more appropriate followed by agreeing some phone rules to encourage good habits.

Ds(14) knows we all don't do phones at the dinner table, in company, in the car with me (as we chat instead), if we are watching a film, while doing chores etc. Also phones are face down and not touched when hes doing homework, reading, bedtime.

He's known this since he got his first phone, and like most teens he's not perfect and has slipped up a couple of times but a reminder and suggestion his phone is kept away when doing things so the temptation is out the way gets him on the right track again.

Thanks fruitcorner

I can't imagine any of dds (lovely) teachers saying oh no Mrs Sarky, please don't worry about dds homework. If she doesn't do it we will give her a detention! Don't you worry about it!

#sarkyharky off topic maybe but the teacher in me needs to thank you for caring about your child's education and NOT leaving discipline to the school......wish more parents would parent so we could y'know teach!

And Troels hmm DH has two rules? Just DH? Shouldn’t you make the rules together?
That should have been Dd has two rules not Dh, Dh controls his own phone usage quite well.
Yes we do decide rules and use of tech together thank you. She's not our first child, we've raised a couple of pretty nice kids, one has left home last year, they other a few years before. Both successful and reliable adults.

It is very hard for parents to deal with phone or ipad or playstation/ xbox addiction in children. But punishments do not stop the child or teen's desire to go back to their favourite thing
Sometimes you can talk together and work out clear guidelines to enable time for helping with house work ( chores) , time for school work, time for sport or hobbies and time enjoyed on their fav thing, such as phone

Sarky I know how worrying it is. Our child barely interacts with anyone off a screen. No other interests, bare minimum of homework done despite being clever, genuine misery when separated from phone and laptop. We went away for a week last summer and banned devices during the day (not in the evening). Every day became a hunt for a new place to hide the bloody thing. It really was like an addict hunting down supplies. We don't punish particularly although it got to the point on holiday when we banned it totally out of irritation and I carried it round with me myself, but we do threaten a 24 hour screen ban for any detentions received which did get at least minimal homework handed in.

I know other parents with similar worries. One friend recently discovered his teenage son had taken an old phone from a family member's drawers and was on social media until 4am every day, after dutifully handing his own phone in at bedtime.

Petitepamplemousse

I was punished and I am also happy and well adjusted there are different ways to parent there isn't one correct way.

I agree with grounded tomorrow and no phone for another few days. I don't agree with hiding it better! You're the parent and you said no, leaving it on display is mean, but out of respect she shouldn't be snooping and being so bloody rude. Your sock draw should be perfectly adequate. She'll never learn if the reason she doesn't do something because she physically can't, rather than because you said so.

Me i’d bin it. But then I wouldn’t and did let an 11 have one.

double the confiscation period and going forward she gives you the phone or puts in kitchen window or similar whilst doing homework . so she can't be tempted . I def agree with octonaught they are like crack ! but naughty going to find after it had been confiscated . Good luck

OP, I have to thank you for posting this as it made me think. I just went into my DDs room and asked where their iphones were. And they nervously produced them from under their covers! They're 8 and 11 and know full well phones are not allowed after bedtime (which was bloody ages ago for the 8yo) I don't know what's got into them.

Phones banned for 2 days now. Any further disregarding of rules and they'll go away for longer.

I've warned DD(11) that if she doesn't start respecting rules then I'll change the iPhone to a gps tracker watch instead. (Big reason for iPhone is that she can be tracked by me). She'll be mortified with a giant pink plastic watch that I can phone 😂