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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I confiscated dds phone, she's found it and I've just caught her using it, punishment?

188 replies

Sarkyharky · 19/04/2018 21:14

She must have gone into my knicker drawer and found it hidden there. I've just caught her in her room using it. She tried to hide it. I took it away, shut the door and I've come downstairs. Haven't said anything.

I feel really disappointed in her. I wish I'd never given her the bloody thing, she's completely addicted to it. I've never known her to be underhand and sneaky like this.

Obviously the phone stays hidden somewhere else! Wwyd?

She's 11 about to be 12.

OP posts:
Goshitshighuphere · 19/04/2018 21:43

And had you been clear that if she didn't do her homework on a Saturday night the consequence would be removing the phone for 6 nights? What did you discuss about usage/rules when got the phone?

Seems a very draconian response and not likely to encourage responsible behaviour. Why not just take it away until she did her homework?

If she had been reading a book and not doing homework would you have taken the book away?

Her then taking it back is a different issue.

Original poster
Sarkyharky · 19/04/2018 21:43

Because they recognise that their parents are bullies, and therefore there is no one they can really trust

Oh fuck off. What a crock.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 19/04/2018 21:43

I think removing her charger is a great idea. I think removing to May is unrealistic.

MuddyForestWalks · 19/04/2018 21:45

Actually you can steal something you own, if you remove it from a person who has lawful control of it. But as the child is 11 I doubt she bought an iPhone with her own hard earned cash or is paying the bill herself, so its a privilege that has been granted to her and her mother has every right to remove that priviledge.

Original poster
Sarkyharky · 19/04/2018 21:45

She is addicted to her phone. She had spent the week before (holiday) on it almost constantly. She cannot self regulate. She wasn't doing homework, not reading, not watching TV. She was withdrawn and distracted. She needed a break from.it. It was five days.

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 19/04/2018 21:47

I'm sure you're right.

Although I'm wondering why you've brought this dilemma to the forum, what with your experience ? And I have two older teens so know what I'm doing Affirmation?

I give it ten minutes before the child is grounded until she's 21, and forced to listen to a transistor radio..

Discipline has to be proportionate. She hasn't done her homework. You let school pick that up with detentions.

Wanting her phone is natural - did she get if for her birthday or Christmas?

Weezol · 19/04/2018 21:48

I would also withdraw permission to go to town after school. The two events, although linked, should be treated as seperate incidents.

So, on phone instead of homework =consequence one, confiscation of phone until Friday

Going through your room to get it back = consequence one + consequence two, withdrawing permission for trip to town. She comes straight home. An increase in the length of time the phone is withheld as you see fit.

Is she accessing Spotify etc on home wifi? If so, just change the wifi password at home until the ban is up.

neveradullmoment99 · 19/04/2018 21:48

You need to show her what she did is wrong. Tell her she is not having her phone back until you are happy that she understands what she did was not accpetable. I would say to her, how can you trust her after she has had her phone confiscated and has taken it and used it. She needs to know what she did is not on. My dd is 11 and that is what I would do.

Goshitshighuphere · 19/04/2018 21:49

But by taking the phone away you are not developing self regulation?

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 19/04/2018 21:49

When I remove electronics I change the PIN rather than hide them.

Original poster
Sarkyharky · 19/04/2018 21:49

Discipline has to be proportionate. She hasn't done her homework. You let school pick that up with detentions

No. YOU may leave it up to school but I do not. Homework is non negotiable in this house.

OP posts:
BumpInTheOven · 19/04/2018 21:49

I would buy a cheap pay as you go non data brick which she can use to call for emergencies... and then continue the ban on the smartphone till trust is gained back x

upsideup · 19/04/2018 21:49

I would rather let her deal with the natural consequence of not doing her homework tbh
I dont think taking her phone away for extended periods of time, not letting her socialise or communicate with friends is going to improve her behaviour. As you've seen, you took it away for not doing her homework and now as a result she has stepped up her bad behaviour to searching through your belongings and taking it back. If you now punish her more the cycle will continue and long term her behaviour will get worse. You are only making her more determined to not get caught by you rather than to actually behave, in turn will make more likely to lie to you and shut down the trust between you.
Being a teenager is a difficult time, they are old enought to reason and communicate with you, they are able to understand what they have done wrong if you discuss it with them and help them work through ways to solve the problem, this and the natural consequences that happen are enough without giving pointless punishments.

Original poster
Sarkyharky · 19/04/2018 21:50

But by taking the phone away you are not developing self regulation?

She is clearly not mature enough to self regulate. My older teens value their school work and sleep above their phone

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarkyharky · 19/04/2018 21:52

The behaviour escalated because she's addicted to her phone.

OP posts:
chocolateworshipper · 19/04/2018 21:52

I agree with bump - get an old fashioned non-smart phone - the more embarrassing the better. This won't be the last time you want to confiscate her phone and there are few punishments for teens that are worse than making them be seen by friends with a rubbish phone.

Petitepamplemousse · 19/04/2018 21:53

I think your punishment was too harsh in the first place to be honest. Could have just taken it away for that night only. However, now you’ve got yourself into the situation I supposed you will have to add additional days on.

Plumsofwrath · 19/04/2018 21:54

Getting the phone wasn’t so much sneaking and snooping, as disobeying the confiscation. She took it upon herself to not suffer the consequences (phone confiscation) of her actions (being on phone instead of doing HW) in direct defiance of you.

The lessons she needs to learn (in addition to doing her HW and not mucking about on her phone) are that she needs to be responsible for her actions and she needs to do as she’s told. Thinks she doesn’t need to be deprived of her phone? Take it away AND something else she treasures (eg trip into town). Thinks she can ignore instructions from adults? Let her try it again and punish her for that.

She’s 11/12, she’s going to push her luck. It’s just a question of reminding her luck will only get her so far Wink

Troels · 19/04/2018 21:54

If you have taken it and issued a return date, then stick to it or she will take the piss and not believe you when you threaten punishment again.
Dh has two rules with her phone and iPad.
1, neither upstairs
2, don't take them to the bathroom (we have one downstairs) this rule due to two phones ruined not both hers one rang and virated itself into the toilet off the counter top, the other fell into the sink.
She broke this rule the other week. I took the phone for two weeks, last time was one week She knows next time she pushes this it'll be a month, then I cancel the contract and she goes without.
She has an old iPod shuffle as a back up filled with music so doesn't need the phone for music.
I agree they are like bloody crack to kids, wish we never got her one.

Goshitshighuphere · 19/04/2018 21:54

Or maybe it escalated because your response was disproportionate and/or not a sanction that had been agreed in advance?

Petitepamplemousse · 19/04/2018 21:55

Teenage girls do often react against overly harsh punishments in sneaky ways, and your punishment, to stop her communicating with friends for a week just for delayed homework, was too harsh.

liminality · 19/04/2018 21:56

No advice to offer from personal experience but smart phone addicition is real. I suggest doing some reading, and then following a PP suggestion and engaging her in dialogue - what does she think was wrong about her behaviour and why, what punishment does she think is appropriate. It's a really useful tool for encouraging self-reflective behaviour rather than 'rallying against evil mum'.

Snd no, you are not the only person concerned about this...

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/jan/12/tech-bosses-kids-time-smartphones-parents-mental-health

Petitepamplemousse · 19/04/2018 21:58

And Troels Hmm DH has two rules? Just DH? Shouldn’t you make the rules together?
Also, so many posters so focused on punishment and sanctions. Don’t any of you ever resolve things through discussions with your children?

Original poster
Sarkyharky · 19/04/2018 21:58

Oh fgs. She sees her friends all day and I let her use my phone twice when she was in the car driving to.sports things. She's hardly locked in a garret somewhere.

So dh says no phone for another week and we will think about the town thing.

OP posts:
cunningartificer · 19/04/2018 21:59

Gosh, upsideup, it’s hard to have consequences with your world view. If a child escalates behaviour the solution isn’t to change your mind but to hold to logical and consistent boundaries. OP seems to have been reasonable in that stealing the phone back results in not having the phone. Stand your ground, OP, you’re reasonable. She’s very young and phones are very addictive. I’d encourage a non smartphone until she’s better at managing it.

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