AIBU to think mother of son’s classmate shouldn’t have grabbed him?

[MissOlivier]

My son has shown some spiteful behaviour towards his class. He has ADHD and ASD. His behaviour is definitely getting harder to manage in a mainstream setting.

One child is bullying another. One child has autism and the other, who doesn't, isn't being protected

Bonbonlavie your posts are increasingly ignorant because you can’t seem to separate action and intention.

Have a good read about autism before you post again, so you don’t look more stupid than you already do.

How loud could the girl possibly be during lessons that she's been assaulted by your son multiple times?
I mean, it's school, not a rugby match?

My son was pushed, shoved and racially abused by a boy with Autism, I really don't like it being used as a clause to get off lightly. I was sick of being told it wasn't the boy's fault, what about the damage it did to my son?!

In this case, I really feel for you OP and I'm sure you do have sympathy for the girl's family too. I think it would help to have more details, for example if she had seen him do it or seen some evidence of her being hurt or something along those lines, maybe she lost her cool which is of course wrong but the circumstances are needed.

No I’m not, you’re just not listening to what I’m trying to say. Do you understand what loud noises do to an autistic person who is hypersensitive to noise? Do you? Because I do. It hurts, it feels like getting punched in the head, repeatedly.

So I have said, repeatedly, that school have a duty of care to both the girl being hurt and OPs son. But you’re all so fucking determined to blame a ND child for actions outwith his control and defend a grown woman who attacked him. It’s disgraceful.

Ok bonbonlavie, you’re being deliberately obtuse and ignoring the reason that this boy’s bahviour is as it is BECAUSE of his autism. It affects his actions. He doesn’t choose to have it.

I suspect the girl isn't so loud that the teacher can't be heard as then other kids would be struggling. I suspect she is making noise within the range of 'acceptable when the teacher is speaking'.

As an autist with similar difficulties I expect the OP's son is struggling to hear the teacher because he cannot properly filter the sounds he hears. It's extremely common with autism. You can't focus on one voice because you can't separate it from the others.

At my language class I struggle with people chatting quietly at the back while the teacher is talking directly to me at the front. It's like a rage inducing buzzing in your ears. Thankfully I can just about keep it under control. I don't know what the answer is. Personally I'd like all the other students to be duct-taped for the duration of the class.

IM GOing try and contact Mumsnet admins to get this moved. I wasn’t aware of an SEN board and thought only this one really existed. Thank you for all the replies am still getting through them

So why aren’t the school being criticised? I’ll tell you exactly why, because it’s easier to display rampant ignorance and attack a child than it is to admit the school are failing at their job.

The school is definitely not managing the situation properly (though, to be fair, a lot of schools are struggling to manage pupils with SN due to funding cuts, and specialist TAs being in short supply and overworked.)

However, that other mother is 100% in the wrong and OP should complain to the police and the school. It is never acceptable for a parent to attack someone else's child, whatever the issue. All schools have a policy which requires parents to take up any matters of bullying or disputes between pupils with the school, not with the other kid's parents, and definitely not by assaulting the other child in the street.

@NKFell if my autistic child used racial slurs (they wouldn’t, they don’t know any for a start!) and hurt your child I would absolutely deal with it and make sure it didn’t happen again.
If you assaulted my child, I’d have you arrested.

big

This is the default reaction. You know nothing about autism. How do you know that from an anonymous Internet forum

Because my opinion differs from yours, I'm suddenly ignorant? Would you allow a child to be hit by another and allow it because the one landing the blows has special needs? I have every sympathy for those dealing with autism but it can't be used as reason to allow someone to continually make someone's else's life a misery.

OP, your son is statemented and struggling to cope at school ... the school clearly isn't doing enough. For him or for the children he attacks for 'triggering him'.

As for the adult, please call the police. She assaulted your son. Let them explain to her that what she has done isn't acceptable and that she cannot go near him again. This needs to be made very clear to her.

Tell the school what has happened. They will deal with the pupils; let the police deal with the grown up. And push the school for more 1-1 support; he shouldn't only be getting support after he's snapped. He clearly needs more help.

Even if they'd been shoving my kid and upsetting her, I'd never grab hold of an 11 year old. 1 because it's wrong and 2 because of the implications for me! I might have a strong word but I wouldn't do that, teaches nothing.

Dadshere that’s bullshit AGAIN.

What you’re effectively saying is that children can only be included if they need to same support as everyone else. This child has a DISABILITY. So he needs MORE support to access the same education.

For fucks sake it isn’t a difficult concept.

She shouldn't have grabbed him.

Sounds like she feels the school aren't doing enough even if you think they are.

I agree with her though. They aren't doing enough. But realistically sounds like someone needs to tell her Dd to shit up when the teacher is talking. Your ds needs support to manage his reactions but no child should have their education interrupted by a rent a gob.

My ds has autism and would react the same way. He has been guided and taught to leave class if needs be. The school then provide someone to help him access the lesson 1:1.

It's a catch 22 situation. She is behaving inappropriately and as a reaction he then does the same. You need to ask school exactly what they will do to address this.

As the mother of a probably autistic child I find some of these responses so depressing.

It's possible that the girl's noisyness is physically painful for the OP's DS. Of course she doesn't deserve to be hurt, but he isn't bullying her, he's trying to stop the source of his distress!

No, she shouldn't have grabbed him but given the situation I expect her emotions got the better of her.

I'm glad school are working with you. Keep talking to them because more needs to be done - if he's still distressed and lashing out its not being managed adequately.

Do they recognise this girl in particular is a trigger?

Ear defenders are good. Recognising that the girl and noise in general is a trigger and adapting environment/seating etc is good. SEN is good however the fact she only comes in when he's already distressed is not good enough.

He needs someone with him who recognises when it's starting to get too much and steps in, e.g. takes him to an agreed quiet area, BEFORE it gets too much.

Atm expecting him to cope and sending for SEN when needed isn't fair on anyone. Least of all your son. He's continually experiencing high levels of anxiety so he's like a balloon about to pop. They need to prevent the inflation not step in when he pops iykwim.

Speak to the ed psychologist/ASD team/senco. Perhaps more can be done. New class? Increased 1 to 1? School with ASD unit attached?

I don't know. Just keep reaching out for help. I know it's hard. My friend is considering home schooling for her son who has ASD and struggling in mainstream.

I'm sure the right help for your son is out there it's just getting to it and knocking (and shouting at) the right door.

I'm sorry OP. It's tough but don't give up.

@dadshere so you place all the blame on a child instead of the adults responsible for ensuring the children are protected?

@bonbonlavie if you do have knowledge of autism and still have that attitude that pretty vile.

Christ there's some ignorance on this thread.

I hope your DS is ok OP. I understand the mother's frustration but we all know it's out of order to grab a child like she did. And if she is aware of his autism then that is even worse.

So your ds has been violent towards this girl on a number of occasions, and you are now saying that she is to blame for him being violent because she inadvertently 'triggers' his behaviour?

Nice bit of victim-blaming going on there.

I dare say the girl's mother shouldn't have done what she did, but to be honest, she is probably sick and tired of her dd being assaulted by your ds and the school doing nothing to protect her.

he's trying to stop the source of his distress!

Yes, and that is very understandable. It is ALSO understandable that the mother of the girl does not want her girl assaulted every day in class.

School isn't managing this propery and school needs to step up and stop being complacent here so that both children can get a proper education.

KT63

Actually I feel sorry for everyone in this situation.
The OP
The DS
The girl
Her mother
The teachers
and yes the school

And you don't know that the girl is shouting over the teacher.

Bonbonlavie I have forgotten more about autism than you will ever remember! What a weird thing to say!
No one is saying that autism is an excuse, but it is a REASON and the school should be supporting the boy so he doesn’t react in this way. No one is justifying any violence anywhere! What on Earth makes you even suggest that?