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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think mother of son’s classmate shouldn’t have grabbed him?

572 replies

MissOlivier · 19/04/2018 17:11

My son has shown some spiteful behaviour towards his class. He has ADHD and ASD. His behaviour is definitely getting harder to manage in a mainstream setting.

OP posts:
KT63 · 19/04/2018 17:46

Its his behaviour and his response

You are ignorant of the realities of autism, and measuring him by NT standards.

bonbonlavie · 19/04/2018 17:46

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Thingiebob · 19/04/2018 17:46

This sounds really hard. He's obviously not getting the correct support at school. He needs to be kept apart from triggers. The girl also needs to be kept safe as well.
No the mother certainly shouldn't have been grabbing and pushing him.

KT63 · 19/04/2018 17:46

If your son hurt my daughter, autism or not, I would grab and shout at him too

Autism or not? There’s always one. There is no “or not” when you’re autistic.

lizcambs · 19/04/2018 17:47

Is your son able to explain the full incident to you?

Presumably her daughter was with her, did she point your son out and the mum grabbed him, or was there anything that happened immediately prior?

KT63 · 19/04/2018 17:47

Your son is a bully. Autism or no autism. I don't see this as an excuse for his behaviour - like you do

It’s very easy to be flippant and say “autism or no autism” but it’s negating the fact that autism is a factor, in fact it’s the reason.

WHICH IS WHY THE SCHOOL SHOULD BE MANAGING THINGS!!!!

Bigpharmafemme · 19/04/2018 17:48

Bonbonlavie what’s happening here isn’t bullying. It’s not nice but it isn’t bullying per se.

KT63 · 19/04/2018 17:48

This sounds really hard. He's obviously not getting the correct support at school. He needs to be kept apart from triggers. The girl also needs to be kept safe as well.
No the mother certainly shouldn't have been grabbing and pushing him

Thank you for that reasoned response, I was beginning to lose hope.

bonbonlavie · 19/04/2018 17:48

big

So what is repeated shoving and pushing?

headhurtstoomuch · 19/04/2018 17:49

Why collects your son from school? If his autism is so extreme that this girl is a ongoing trigger for him. Considering its secondary school can one of them move into another class?

headhurtstoomuch · 19/04/2018 17:49

Who not why.

mrsm43s · 19/04/2018 17:49

Your son needs to stop repeatedly assaulting this girl.

Her mother behaved inappropriately, and should have taken her complaint to the school or the Police , but not directly to your son. She should absolutely not have grabbed him - two wrongs do not make a right.

Her daughter has the right to go to school and not be assaulted. Please work with the school to address your son's behaviour. If he continues to assault people, perhaps this particular school is not the right setting for him.

bonbonlavie · 19/04/2018 17:50

What we're effectively saying here is that autism is a mitigating factor in making someone else's life hell by laying your hands on them Hmm

MmeButtox · 19/04/2018 17:50

Poor girl getting regularly assaulted at school with no one preventing it. That must be terrifying.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 19/04/2018 17:50

Was it your son who told you what had happened, op? How does he describe the outbursts at school?

Bigpharmafemme · 19/04/2018 17:50

Bonbonlavie it’s a child with a disability reacting to a situation.

Drainedandconfused · 19/04/2018 17:51

Op I think you should have posted on the SEN boards about this, nobody but nobody understands autism unless they have an autistic child. Most people don't understand that an autistic child will lash out if provoked, they cannot help it, something must have pushed his buttons. My son has Downs and Autism, he's ok unless under stress or somebody is winding him up.
The woman should have not laid a hand on your son, end of.
Does your son have a statement and have you thought about sending him to a SEN school, primary works out ok for autistic kids but secondary often doesn't unfortunately.

KT63 · 19/04/2018 17:51

@bonbonlavie that is certainly not what I am saying. What I am saying is that a different approach is called for to keep this girl safe by meeting the needs of OPs son effectively thus ensuring all the children have a proper education.

What is happening here is a load of people who know the square root of fuck all about autism are justifying a grown woman attacking a child because of the failures of the school to properly address the needs of the children under their care.

SoupDragon · 19/04/2018 17:52

No, the mother shouldn’t have grabbed him but put yourself in her shoes. Her daughter has been coming home saying she’s been hurt by a boy. Repeatedly. It’s now April and it is still going on - from her point of view, nothing has been done.

The school need to buck their ideas up and prevent this from happening. They are really the ones at fault.

bonbonlavie · 19/04/2018 17:52

What situation? What is this girl doing that warrants being pushed and shoved? Other than having a loud voice Confused

Jesus you're making excuses for making a girl's life hell Shock

Bigpharmafemme · 19/04/2018 17:52

No bonbonlavie no one is saying that and that’s terrible to even type that!!

This child has a disability and the school need to support him better!!! Think of it like a wheelchair user running over your toes because there isn’t enough room for you both. It doesn’t make either of you wrong, does it?

dadshere · 19/04/2018 17:52

Bigpharmafemme - no, he is violently attacking other pupils, I would be, and have been fucking furious when this has happened to my dd. If the OPs child is violent, the school have a duty of care to the NON_VIOLENT children. It is a simple premise, if you cannot sit in a classroom without attacking other students, then it is not the right setting for you.
My dd was attacked and I made sure it was dealt with, but this is not my thread, so I won't hog it.

OP- Your child needs more support and probably a different setting.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 19/04/2018 17:53

WOW such knowledge of Autism here Hmm predictable as ever. It’s very clear who doesn’t have the slightest clue what they’re talking about on this thread and should be ignored.

OP seriously, report this to both school and the police. Get it on record that it happened. And torture the school until they change this situation. Your son can not be expected to carry on in this situation.

upsideup · 19/04/2018 17:53

Of course its bullying.
The OP's sons bullying behaviour can be explained by his autism and so less responsability will be placed on him. But to the victim who is being repeatedly violently attacked it is bullying, it doesnt matter to her if the boy has autism or not she is being bullied.

Idontdowindows · 19/04/2018 17:53

You’re assuming it’s targeted,

I'm assuming jack shit.

He lashes out at that girl for being louder than he can handle. The school is not managing it properly. I understand that the girl's mother has had enough if her daughter is being constantly lashed out at by the boy.