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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think mother of son’s classmate shouldn’t have grabbed him?

572 replies

MissOlivier · 19/04/2018 17:11

My son has shown some spiteful behaviour towards his class. He has ADHD and ASD. His behaviour is definitely getting harder to manage in a mainstream setting.

OP posts:
MrsGB2225 · 19/04/2018 17:23

So your son has been consistently pushing a girl at school. One day he pushed the girl in front of her mum and the girls mum pushed him away. Is that what happened?

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/04/2018 17:23

KT63

So the girl should stop being herself because it gets her shoved (and possibly more)?

Original poster
MissOlivier · 19/04/2018 17:24

Why do I need to rethink the journey home? He isn’t no where near the girl on the way home. I’ve already told you he has his headphones in.

OP posts:
KT63 · 19/04/2018 17:25

Firstly his age and DX make it very unlikely the police would even consider acting on it.

Secondly, of course the Mum has every right to be livid, but as an adult (with, one presumes, impulse control) she shouldn’t have assaulted a child, she should be asking the school why they aren’t protecting her child??

JacquesHammer · 19/04/2018 17:25

but to grab an 11 year old who has autism?

Was he shoving her daughter at the time?

Bigpharmafemme · 19/04/2018 17:25

And here we go.....

The OP said that he wouldn’t have done anything if his headphones hadn’t been disturbed so clearly something has happened that might not have been down to him, MRSGB/225

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 19/04/2018 17:25

I’m assuming he already has ear defenders OP? Does he have a classroom assistant?

Bigpharmafemme · 19/04/2018 17:26

I’d rethink the journey home so this can’t happen!

Original poster
MissOlivier · 19/04/2018 17:26

NO, he wasn’t shoving her, 3rd time!!

The shoving takes place in lessons when he can’t hear the teacher because of her loudness (again not saying it’s her fault in any way) but that’s the trigger.

OP posts:
Elllicam · 19/04/2018 17:26

Obviously it wasn’t right for the other Mum to grab him but I can absolutely see why she is angry. Every child has the right to an education without being assaulted.

KT63 · 19/04/2018 17:26

@BoneyBackJefferson where did I say that? Don’t put words in my mouth. I suggested the school ought to be putting strategies in place to help OPs DS with triggers. So if the girl is loud and he finds this distressing, ear defenders are an option. Or moving them apart, so he isn’t triggered.

Your ability to completely misunderstand what I was saying is remarkable!

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 19/04/2018 17:27

Sorry, I think I’ve misunderstood. Was he violent to the girl outside of school? On the way home? Had she touched his earphones?

KT63 · 19/04/2018 17:28

But as per fucking usual on here it’s the autistic kid who is the problem, not the school who have a duty of care to meet the needs of all the children in their school. NOT just the NT ones.

JacquesHammer · 19/04/2018 17:29

The shoving takes place in lessons when he can’t hear the teacher because of her loudness (again not saying it’s her fault in any way) but that’s the trigger

You say school are managing it. They're not managing it if he repeatedly shoves her.

Although having re-read the thread again I can't actually see where you said he wasn't shoving her at the time...

lizcambs · 19/04/2018 17:29

Absolutely not okay.

It must be hard for both sets of parents though, I would be furious if my child was being consistently targeted and I didn't feel school were dealing with it effectively.

However, she should be taking it up with the school not your son.

Original poster
MissOlivier · 19/04/2018 17:29

He has ear defenders, but not all the time.

Can I just say, I’m not heartless. My son has been a victim of bullying hundreds of times. Still now. He’s had it a lot already at secondary school. I do have full sympathy.

BUT, an adult grabbed him? He’s 11.

OP posts:
ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 19/04/2018 17:29

XPOST. So ear defenders will be no good as he needs to hear the teacher and that is when the girl is loud? So he shoved her? Why haven’t they seated him upfront and away from this girl?

KT63 · 19/04/2018 17:29

No, that mother should not have grabbed your son, but it's blooming understandable if her daughter is consistently targeted by your son

You’re assuming it’s targeted, rather than lashing out because of sensory overload.

KT63 · 19/04/2018 17:30

Actually, if she’s so loud he can’t hear the teacher, why isn’t the teacher telling her to sit down and stop disrupting his/her lesson?

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/04/2018 17:31

KT63

Just because you don't like what I am saying doesn't mean that I am misunderstanding you.

I am pointing out that the "trigger" is a human being that has as many rights as the OP's DS and one of those rights is not to be assaulted.

Ear defenders don't always work, they are not like ear buds, they become hot and sweaty and may in themselves be a trigger.

Serialweightwatcher · 19/04/2018 17:32

So he is shoving her in class because she is loud and that triggers him and her mum grabbed him on way home, presumably because she doesn't get to see him otherwise ... does this mum know he is autistic? If she doesn't, it's not good, but if she does it's worse. Don't understand why the school haven't either moved him away from the girl in class or vice versa - not a good idea to let them be near each other if this happens

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 19/04/2018 17:32

Why can't you see the viewpoint of an 11 year old girl who is being physically assaulted at school, op? Seriously; he's targeting her because she's very loud? Hmm

Original poster
MissOlivier · 19/04/2018 17:32

IT doesn’t matter where he is seated. He has been moved to sit alone. However, if it gets too loud, he will lash out. Crying, shouting, violence. This is when his specific SEN assistant will remove him from lesson (but she isn’t with him all the time, she gets called if it’s needed) but he’s already been violent at this point.

OP posts:
Tartsamazeballs · 19/04/2018 17:33

She shouldn't have done it, but I can understand her frustration and where she would be coming from. Her daughter is her baby to protect as much as your son is yours.

Original poster
MissOlivier · 19/04/2018 17:33

Have you read what I have written? I have full sympathy, but what do you want me to say? That it means her mother can attack him? He doesn’t TARGET anyone.

OP posts: