AIBU to think mother of son’s classmate shouldn’t have grabbed him?

[MissOlivier]

My son has shown some spiteful behaviour towards his class. He has ADHD and ASD. His behaviour is definitely getting harder to manage in a mainstream setting.

@BoneyBackJefferson she absolutely has the right not to be assaulted. But why is it the OPs son who has the responsibility and not the school? And you did misunderstand, because nowhere did I say the girl should change her behaviour.

OP, your child is removed when his (predictable) buttons are pressed? That’s shameful! Does he have an EHCP? He needs more support than he’s getting!!!

So if he was nowhere near the girl on the way home, why was her mum there? Was she specifically looking for your son? This sounds like it's not being managed properly by the school at all and she's at the end of her rope with this. If your son is repeatedly assaulting a classmate he clearly needs a lot more support because that needs to stop. If she's 'so loud he can't hear the teacher' he needs to be moved away from her to somewhere where she's not causing an interruption to his learning.

It sounds like she called after him, he had his earphones on so she grapped (touched him front behind) to get his attention.
You didnt actually see this did you?

Who do you suggest is removed, Bigpharm?!

OP, your child is removed when his (predictable) buttons are pressed? That’s shameful!

Its really not, its to protect him and the rest of the class. What do suggest happens?

To be clear I don't mean he should be moved as punishment, he shouldn't have to sit near someone who's causing him that much distraction.

No, I didn’t see it? But his blazer has been damaged at the collar. Are you suggesting he is making it up?

If her daughter is coming home upset and bruised I can see why she'd lose her shit.

From her point of view it must look like nothing is being done.

Is there a long term plan?

Perhaps on a broader level you need to consider whether that particular school is the right fit for your son. Does your son have one-on-one support? Clearly something needs to change; as much as I sympathize with your situation, I would be very unimpressed if my daughter were being assaulted regularly at school by another child. I don’t think I’d really care whose responsibility it was - and I could also imagine losing my temper and grabbing the violent child. It’s not “right” but surely you can empathize with her mother? What a tough situation all round.

I wasn’t suggesting anyone is removed, greyhound! The boy should have access to education the same as everyone else, including managing and predicting his triggers.

IT doesn’t matter where he is seated. He has been moved to sit alone. However, if it gets too loud, he will lash out. Crying, shouting, violence.

So even if he is sitting away from her he will get up out of his seat and go to her in order to hurt her? His SEN assistant needs to be with him at all times in that case. He shouldn’t be getting the chance to walk over to her to hurt her.

Yes, he has an EHCP.

Part of me would love for him to be able to just learn alone. He absolutely loves to learn and has intelligence, but he literally can’t physically learn anything due to the distractions and then he is removed and just does some basic sheet work that’s pulled from from a generic ‘year 7 sheets’ draw. I have tried to express my concerns, but it doesn’t go far

she seems to be a main target

He doesn’t TARGET anyone.

Which one is it?

What’s on section F of your EHCP? Was it rewritten for transition to secondary? It sounds like you need to call an early review and get the Ed psych back in.

KT63

You are talking about triggers.

The girl is a trigger, the OP has said so, she is being shoved because she is loud. What should be done to manage her? She is also 11 years old and finding her place in the world, some 11 year old children are loud and shrill and get over excited.

But why is it the OPs son who has the responsibility and not the school?

Its his behaviour and his response.

Schools can only do so much and at some point the school and many other things will not be able to be held responsible for his behaviour.

Btw regardless of what happened in class I would be reporting the mother to the police. She doesn’t get to lay a finger on your child unless she is preventing him hurting another child. Which he wasn’t at that point. She sought him out to confront him. Police.

Fair enough, I did say main target. I wasn’t sure how to phrase that it’s directed at her his outbursts as She is a trigger.

However, you were implying he specifically seeks her out to hit.

Why is there an assumption that OPs DS is in control of his actions? I am not justifying the girl being hurt, at all, but it’s the responsibility of the ADULTS (ie school) to ensure this doesn’t happen. Just as it is the responsibility of the mother not to grab an 11 year old autistic child so fucking hard she damaged his blazer?

OP, call the police. She’s the adult, she grabbed him so hard she’s damaged his blazer and probably scared the absolute shit out of him too. She needs to be charged.

Boneybackjefferson he has an EHCP, so the school must do everything it can!

I have tried to express my concerns, but it doesn’t go far

You need to pester them. Be the royal pain in their ass. Phone every single time there’s an incident. Report this incident with the mother to the school too. Seriously. The squeaky wheel gets the oil. Pester pester pester.

Dadshere that is bullshit. He can most likely be included perfectly well in mainstream with the correct support. And he’s clearly not getting that.

She shouldn't have grabbed your DS. But he can't be allowed to keep doing this. I'm not surprised she is angry.

@BoneyBackJefferson you are utterly determined to miss my point aren’t you?
The girl’s behaviour doesn’t need to be managed (other than her shouting over the teacher which is just bad manners) but the school need to be aware of his triggers and step in with strategies to manage his behaviour BEFORE it happens!