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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this should be a police matter?

215 replies

movinonup · 19/04/2018 14:26

Have had many issues with my XH stepson (18) and his inappropriate behaviour towards my DC. (DS is 6, DD is 8)
Including letting them watch Krampus (15 cert movie in which a creature terrorises kids on Christmas Eve if they are on the naughty list) and then telling DS that he was on the naughty list.
Asking them if they like clowns, when they replied that they did he said 'You won't after this) then showed them the trailer for IT.

There have been other issues but these were the worst two.

My solicitor had addressed these issues in a letter and asked that the step-son was no longer left with the DC unsupervised.

My DC were left alone with both his step children (18 & 14) at the weekend and my 6 year old boy was chased, restrained and had duck tape put across his mouth and his arms taped together behind his back!

Social services have been informed and I have a meeting scheduled with my solicitor to discuss a court order to make sure my DC are never left alone with them again! Both my children say that they want to see their Dad but not the step-children.

So, That's the backstory. My question is should this actually be considered a police matter as the step-son is 18 and an adult? What would he be charged with if so?

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 20/04/2018 23:28

I hope the police take this seriously, it’s disturbing.

Original poster
movinonup · 20/04/2018 23:44

@haba quite a recent development, last few months I would say......I tell him things like the police are there to help people and that they only arrest baddies so we don't need to worry because we are goodies.
I wouldn't put it past the step-spawn to have put the fear into him tbh
God only knows what has went on in that house that I don't know about!

@categed Yes she is the named person for the children although I'd brought the latest incident to her attention as after the Krampus/IT incident she asked to be kept informed of any further issues.

I've had no call back from the police after calling them again earlier today.

OP posts:
categed · 21/04/2018 00:32

Movinonup that's awful. Every year I sit through child protection inputs so that we can interview early. Whilst things may be moving in the background no one seems to be putting your son as their priority, except you. Not good enough at all. This is surely a safeguarding issue.

What are the 6 principles of safeguarding?
Empowerment. People being supported and encouraged to make their own decisions and informed consent.
Prevention. It is better to take action before harm occurs.
Proportionality. The least intrusive response appropriate to the risk presented.
Protection. ...
Partnership. ...
Accountability.

Weezol · 21/04/2018 00:44

Be prepared to chase SS on a regular basis, every day if need be. While I have massive sympathy with SW's because of cuts and the frankly ridiculous workloads they have, sadly it now often pays to be a nag - it's the sqeaky wheel that gets the oil.

I'm inclined to give the police more time, because they are now (hopefully) in the process of investigation which will, by it's nature take time as M

Weezol · 21/04/2018 00:57

Pressed post instead of preview by accident. Don't know where 'as M' came from - I am clearly up past my bedtime.

Original poster
movinonup · 21/04/2018 11:44

I'll be on them Weezol, I agree the squeaky wheel gets the oil!

OP posts:
Weezol · 23/04/2018 08:54

Good luck with all the phoning today Brew.

womanformallyknownaswoman · 23/04/2018 09:03

This is an adult (18) abusing children - it's very simple. It's assault.

Have their been any incidences of a sexual nature?

womanformallyknownaswoman · 23/04/2018 09:04

oops - there not their

Devilishpyjamas · 23/04/2018 09:08

Was he prone restrained? (Face down?).
People can die really quickly when prone restrained.

Original poster
movinonup · 23/04/2018 09:37

I really don't know, I'm very conscious of asking too many details in case I'm deemed to be putting words in his mouth, I've had a total of 3 conversations all of which I've recorded and he didn't mention what position he was in.

OP posts:
nellieellie · 23/04/2018 09:44

My view would be: My DS (aged 6) is not safe at exH due to his failure to ensure his Stepson is never left alone (I’d insist he is out of the house after the serious assault) with my DCs. In the circumstances DCs will not be staying at his house any longer until he can satisfy you that he will ensure their safety. If exH wants contact he can have it at your house. In the meantime, you will report incident to the police. You cannot allow your DS to go into an unsafe environment. This is horrific.

AnoiaUnstickMyDrawers · 23/04/2018 09:46

It's not just the danger from being prone restrained or vomiting - something as simple as a snotty nose from crying when his mouth was taped could have put him in to breathing difficulties. How fucking stupid is your exhausted that he can't see that?? I hope you get some progress from police and ss today OP. Do ss know you have contacted the police and want to peruse prosecution? That might make them pull their finger out, if they know their work could be reviewed in court as evidence.

AnoiaUnstickMyDrawers · 23/04/2018 09:47

Exhausted?? Ex H!

InkyToesies · 23/04/2018 10:03

Not sure if this has already been mentioned - I’ve read the full thread, but I might have missed it - have you considered a visit to the GP with your son? Not only would you be able to seek advice about the bed wetting, the fear of going to sleep etc and how to avoid any long-term effects on him of this awful treatment, BUT, it would also put a marker down on his records as evidence against these awful people, and also set in motion a further child protection referral to Social Services and possibly the police, this time from a doctor.

I’m not sure why you’ve had such a luke warm response from Social Services and the Police to date (probably stretched resources) but the more agencies that are involved, the harder it is for them to bury it under other competing priorities.

Perhaps book a double appointment, so there’s plenty of time for your GP to talk to your little boy.

I don’t have children, so others may come along with suggestions as to why this is a bad idea. However I worked in a multi-disciplinary team yonks ago and was present when referrals were being considered and prioritised, and decisions made about whether any action or involvement was necessary. It was surprising how some of the more alarming ones were shuffled to the bottom of the pile because they didn’t tick the right boxes.

There was a definite pecking order and more ‘weight’ was given according to who the referral was from: member of the public, family, housing officer, school, police, GP, hospital, and so on. The medics definitely carried more weight than the others, and if the referral involved two or more of the heavyweights, it was always given a higher priority. The cynic that I now am thinks it was because none of the involved agencies wanted to be the one carrying the can when / if the case went nuclear.

buddahsitter · 23/04/2018 10:08

Without giving anything away I have had experience of this sort of thing, Please go to the police. This behaviour could and probably is a precursor to much worse. I wouldn't want to frighten you but please realise that it's not only your children at risk.

Original poster
movinonup · 23/04/2018 10:13

I have informed SS that it is now a police matter and I have a meeting with the HT later. Solicitor tomorrow.
Phoned police again. Waiting on a call back.

@buddahsitter I'm so sorry you went through something like this.

OP posts:
Juells · 23/04/2018 10:21

Your frustration levels must be off the charts, at the failure by the responsible bodies to engage with you.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 23/04/2018 11:31

Hopefully they'll take it a bit more seriously now. Well done for not letting it drop.

Original poster
movinonup · 24/04/2018 20:39

So the police are treating it as a civil matter without having anyone actually asking DC what happened, They are being dismissed as liars because the dickhead says it didn't happen, He now claims he put a stop to the incident before it happened and his step-spawn were duly reprimanded.

SS haven't been back in touch yet, I'll call for an update tomorrow.

My solicitor has been working on the case today and will call me first thing in the morning.

OP posts:
Mightymucks · 24/04/2018 23:54

If you’re unhappy with how the police have dealt with it report them to the IPCC

Original poster
movinonup · 25/04/2018 00:24

I'm speaking to my friend who is a copper now and he's really surprised that this is being treated as a civil matter.
DS name has been added to the vulnerable persons database and step-spawn is now known to the police.
It basically all hinges on what my solicitor does now.

OP posts:
Original poster
movinonup · 25/04/2018 00:48

Why don't they believe the children? Especially as they haven't talked to them and got their version of events? They aren't getting the chance to be heard!

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 25/04/2018 05:06

But didn't your ex tell the headteacher that he watched it all? Does that not count as evidence?

AskBasil · 25/04/2018 06:51

Child abuse is not a civil matter.

The police aren't doing their job.

But tbh they often don't. They have probably decided that there's very little chance of a conviction and so it's not worth wasting very scarce police resources on investigating a crime which will never come to court because the CPS will decide there isn't enough chance of a conviction.

The physical assault of a child is clearly not a civil matter, it's a criminal offence. But I don't know how you can force the police to do their job, I hope someone else comes along and can advise you.

I'm so sorry this is happening to your children. Can you e-mail your xh with all the things people have said here, regarding the danger of suffocation etc.? Keep it neutral and constructive, the tone trying to communicate your concern that he may be unaware of the risks. If you get the tone right, you may be able to get him to respond in writing with an acknowledgement that this incident happened.

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