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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this should be a police matter?

215 replies

movinonup · 19/04/2018 14:26

Have had many issues with my XH stepson (18) and his inappropriate behaviour towards my DC. (DS is 6, DD is 8)
Including letting them watch Krampus (15 cert movie in which a creature terrorises kids on Christmas Eve if they are on the naughty list) and then telling DS that he was on the naughty list.
Asking them if they like clowns, when they replied that they did he said 'You won't after this) then showed them the trailer for IT.

There have been other issues but these were the worst two.

My solicitor had addressed these issues in a letter and asked that the step-son was no longer left with the DC unsupervised.

My DC were left alone with both his step children (18 & 14) at the weekend and my 6 year old boy was chased, restrained and had duck tape put across his mouth and his arms taped together behind his back!

Social services have been informed and I have a meeting scheduled with my solicitor to discuss a court order to make sure my DC are never left alone with them again! Both my children say that they want to see their Dad but not the step-children.

So, That's the backstory. My question is should this actually be considered a police matter as the step-son is 18 and an adult? What would he be charged with if so?

OP posts:
AskBasil · 20/04/2018 11:56

Say you want to press charges.

It is actually an assault.

The fact that the other adults are minimising it as high jinks, is a massive indicator that they are not fit to look after children.

elisenbrunnen · 20/04/2018 12:11

Def press charges. My first thought on reading that 'they were inside watching' was that they are minimising. 'It wasn't so bad; he is dramatising it' Angry

Whatever happens, I hope you never have to let them see these kids again - XH, well, if they want to...

leafblower · 20/04/2018 12:15

Honestly, I wouldn't trust xh if he thought this was ok. I'd only be allowing supervised visits if any.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/04/2018 12:17

Well, I would simply cut out the Head from now on.

Fine, they believe your Ex's version of events. Err, not sure whether they've all worked this one out - but that actually makes it worse. You've already reported bullying and inappropriate behaviour on the part of the stepkids, sent a sol's letter - and his response is to engineer a situation where he deliberately leaves them alone with them in order to facilitate more 'high jinks' - with the result that your son was assaulted?!

The eldest is an adult, so simply feed back the above to SS, and tell them that as you're now aware he's an adult, you've reported the assault to the police and you'll be pressing charges. Let them know that you see the 14 year old as involved too, sounds like they are vulnerable (give all the data on their mum and the living situation) and say sounds like you're better focusing on that. If they bring up the Head's opinion, laugh and say you're not sure whether the Head realises this but his/her feedback has actually given you even more reason to take it further to get a court order, entirely separate from the pressing charges issue, to make sure that their Dad only sees them supervised from now on. His actions sound like nothing more than putting his own children into the bear pit and watching the fight.

Then just take it forward with the police, send a sol letter saying contact is ended, take it to court if you want to see them, and press charges on the stepson.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/04/2018 12:27

Honestly I only think you'll have to spell it out that their father watched from the window outside while his son had his arms bound and his mouth covered with duct tape and thought it hilarious in order to get any bloody order you want tbh. You might even take action against him for child endangerment. Unbelievable.

Coyoacan · 20/04/2018 12:30

So glad you reported this, OP. Unbelievable that anyone would think this was high jinks, especially when their own child is the victim.

Weezol · 20/04/2018 12:42

Jaysus - The Head Teacher thinks that because the adults were 'watching' that makes it okay?

If you haven't already, make notes of all the impacts that contact with their 'father' has on your children at home - not sleeping, bed wetting and so on. Make sure SS and Police are aware of the pull ups they make him wear, that's very disturbing.

Original poster
movinonup · 20/04/2018 12:47

No I don't think she thinks it's okay (the headteacher) when I said 'that makes it worse' she did agree!
I'm going to have to call her back as my takeaway from the call was that XH had been warned and that there would be action if there were any further incidents......That doesn't sound right does it?
Even if it is, They still aren't going there, he can take me to court and I can't see any sheriff giving him unsupervised contact!

OP posts:
Bumdishcloths · 20/04/2018 12:53

This is absolutely horrible, and I hope that both social services and the police take it seriously.

Handsoffmysweets · 20/04/2018 12:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Handsoffmysweets · 20/04/2018 12:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Original poster
movinonup · 20/04/2018 13:00

He is warped, Absolutely warped!

OP posts:
Weezol · 20/04/2018 13:02

movin fair point, maybe she was attempting to appear neutral.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 20/04/2018 14:28

Have the Police said when they will be out to speak to your Son?

Is your exh in the same area, Police wise, or will it be passed to a different County?

Mightymucks · 20/04/2018 14:33

OP, definitely, definitely press charges. Not just for your kids, it needs to be on his record so he can’t get into a position of trust with kids too eg teacher, scout leader.

Mightymucks · 20/04/2018 14:38

Why have social services asked the HT to deal with it? She doesn’t have any power to do anything. What else are SS doing?

BlueSapp · 20/04/2018 14:45

Well that sounds like assault to me.

Gemini69 · 20/04/2018 14:48

Why have social services asked the HT to deal with it? She doesn’t have any power to do anything. What else are SS doing?

This.. with bloody big alarm bells on... Hmm

Original poster
movinonup · 20/04/2018 15:01

The police haven't said when exactly but that it would be next week sometime.
He is in the same area so won't be transferred.

I really don't know why SS have asked HT to deal with it, I have no experience of SS or anything like this, So I was thinking this was standard procedure? I just can't get my head around the fact that DS hasn't been asked for his version of events.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 20/04/2018 15:18

By the sound of it the head doesn’t have the relevant experience to deal with this stuff. What a cop out. 🤬

abigailsnan · 20/04/2018 15:18

I have just read through the comments as I have only seen this to-day,if this was my child or one of my DGCs I wouldn't wait for any involvement with SS or HTs I would be straight down to the nearest Police Station demanding action there would be no pussy footing about.( not critisizing the OP in anyway)
This father sounds totally unfit to have these little ones and I hope OP does not get talked into continuing with any home visits.
If he wants to see the children Contact Centre visits would be my plan of action.
I hope you little man is feeling settled again and not too frightened.

Ginger1982 · 20/04/2018 15:24

OP I would take your son to a police station this weekend and have him give a statement ASAP, not wait for the police to maybe get round to it. As a defence lawyer, in a trial, I would be all over the gap in time between the incident and the date the statement was given and be looking for ways to suggest that the story had been embellished or your DS had been coached by you in that time.

Please don't think badly of me for saying that, it's just my job. As a mother I am behind you 100%

Bouledeneige · 20/04/2018 15:24

For a moment there OP I thought you might be over reacting with the video stuff. But the tying up and duct tape is not okay and very cruel - it gives me a veery bad vibe about the psychology of the teen involved. Sadistic and some other serious words come to mind. He is not safe for your DC to be around.

I wish you luck - I think social services does have to be involved if your XH is not acting and thinks it's okay for his child to be treated in this way and will but act to protect them. No further visits till safeguards are agreed and you can be reassured your DC will be safe.

Sadly if your XH won't respond appropriately because he sees it as the ex causing trouble he's not a fit and safe parent.

GhostedDad · 20/04/2018 15:36

I'm so pleased you are taking this further and not minimising it. I was forced to watch American werewolf in London and Rosemaries baby when I was 5/6 and have never been able to sleep with any door or wardrobe ajar since. It wasn't until I was about 30 that I sought help dealing with the fact that I feel every door in the house must be shut was linked to this babysitter :(

Mightymucks · 20/04/2018 15:37

You need to chase up SS and ask them how they intend to follow it up because fobbing it off to the head teacher is highly inappropriate.