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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this should be a police matter?

215 replies

movinonup · 19/04/2018 14:26

Have had many issues with my XH stepson (18) and his inappropriate behaviour towards my DC. (DS is 6, DD is 8)
Including letting them watch Krampus (15 cert movie in which a creature terrorises kids on Christmas Eve if they are on the naughty list) and then telling DS that he was on the naughty list.
Asking them if they like clowns, when they replied that they did he said 'You won't after this) then showed them the trailer for IT.

There have been other issues but these were the worst two.

My solicitor had addressed these issues in a letter and asked that the step-son was no longer left with the DC unsupervised.

Social services have been informed and I have a meeting scheduled with my solicitor to discuss a court order to make sure my DC are never left alone with them again! Both my children say that they want to see their Dad but not the step-children.

So, That's the backstory. My question is should this actually be considered a police matter as the step-son is 18 and an adult? What would he be charged with if so?

OP posts:

BrandNewHouse · 19/04/2018 16:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FizzyGreenWater · 19/04/2018 16:33

I was once in a situation where I was being rather nastily bullied - made fun of - by another adult.

My mother's response was to laugh.

THAT'S the part I remember.

I am NC with her now. Every now and again I remember that incident and feel a spurt of rage. At her. Stupid bully doesn't matter a jot... but she was supposed to protect.

Take action - your DC need to see and feel you take action. Even if they say, at 6 and 8, that they still want to see their dad.

Original poster

movinonup · 19/04/2018 16:34

No response from ex to this latest incident.
I am unsure if SS have even contacted him yet! (But seeing as I haven't had any nasty texts, I'm going to assume not)

I'm absolutely apoplectic, They live several miles away and never have I been more thankful that I can't drive or I would have ended up doing something I would have regretted on Monday night!
I can't sleep either.

OP posts:

Juells · 19/04/2018 16:36

I wouldn't let them go until you receive a categoric assurance from your ex that they will not be left unsupervised with the stepchildren or permitted to see stuff that's age-inappropriate

Not worth the paper it's written on. He obviously enjoys telling you one thing and doing another, just 'to show you'.

The OP is absolutely right not to allow her children near that house, or to see exH unsupervised. And I would involve the police. That 18- and 14-year-old are a danger to any vulnerable children they come in contact with.

KT63 · 19/04/2018 16:36

Any parent who can laugh at their own child’s distress (or any child’s distress for that matter) is a wrong un.

OP I’m gutted for your wee boy that this was done to him and that it was his own dad that allowed it and dismissed it. I’m glad he has you.

Adviceplease360 · 19/04/2018 16:37

Utterly horrifying for your poor son.
Please don't let him go back there as your ex clearly can't be trusted.
I dread to think what this 18 year old will do if he continues to have access to your son
Please protect him

sassymuffin · 19/04/2018 16:38

Sorry I've just seen your update that the 18 year old restrained your son and the 14 year old taped his mouth and arms.

I can't fucking believe your ex husbands response was to laugh at his older children terrorising his younger child. That in itself speaks volumes! It wasn't funny and it isn't a game for a teenager and adult to do that to a 6 year old. Your ex and his older children clearly have a twisted view on appropriate care of a child and they all sound like horrible bullying idiots. With that view I would 100% report to the police via 101 and explain that you are fearful of your children's safety and ask for some advice.

Wintertime4 · 19/04/2018 16:38

My DC were left alone with both his step children (18 & 14) at the weekend and my 6 year old boy was chased, restrained and had duck tape put across his mouth and his arms taped together behind his back!
This jumped out more than the videos. I would stop contact and do what you’ve done. What a horrible XH to not take this seriously.

Adviceplease360 · 19/04/2018 16:39

This has really upset me, I have a six year old and I wouldn't let the 'father' access without it being supervised.
Your poor boy

Woshambo · 19/04/2018 16:40

Hope ur DC aren't scarred for life.
Personally I don't think it's a police matter especially as u have taken steps to ensure ur children's safety.
It's different for different people. What u describe was my normal childhood lol I grew up with my grandparents with uncles still in the house so there were a lot of pranks. Eg I was once wrapped in cling film so I couldn't lift my arms and they laid me on the couch and proceeded to fart on my head. As a child I found it hysterically funny.
However if this isn't the sort of things u or DC find funny etc then u are absolutely right to stop contact etc.
It sounds as though it's coming from a place of jealousy rather than endearment which is very sad if it's an 18yr old man that's jealous.

DairyisClosed · 19/04/2018 16:40

The duct tape incident battery, false imprisonment and, possibly common assault if they have him reason to believe he was in immediate danger. In your place I would report the incident to police. Push for the 18 year old to be charged with battery and leave 14vywar old to the police to do whatever they saw fit.

summerinthecountry · 19/04/2018 16:42

I would report to the police for sure. Not only was the assault a complete violation of the child, but will have also affected their trust in other adults. The world wlll feel like a much more frightening place after that incident.
Speak to the school and see if there is a counsellor that could chat to them as well, they may need some help getting over this.
Your ex h is completely at fault and it is negligence of the of highest.
A contact centre might be the only way forward if you want to continue visits, I don’t think he can ever be trusted again.

Try to keep calm, they are safe and well, a cool head will work much better than one ready to explode. Your dc will be learning how you deal with stress abs challenges

MonsteraDeliciosa · 19/04/2018 16:42

I would report the taping up incident to the police, mentioning the other incident(s) as a by the by. It was assault, and your DC are being left by their father to be assaulted by these thugs.

If social services don't contact you today chase it up tomorrow morning.

FeistyColl · 19/04/2018 16:45

What the OP has described was far from a prank Woshambo. OP's DS clearly did not laugh hysterically!

BettyBaggins · 19/04/2018 16:46

Gosh this is awful! Let us know how it develops.

Original poster

movinonup · 19/04/2018 16:49

The older children aren't actually his. They are his girlfriends children. They moved in with him after ex and GF met online 3 months previously. Whilst he is certainly free to move on and live his life I certainly wouldn't be moving anyone in after such a short period of time.

OP posts:

UpstartCrow · 19/04/2018 16:49

Its concerning how many posters are minimising his behaviour. I'd get the police involved, the 18yo and his dad needs a wake up call.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 19/04/2018 16:50

I wouldn’t let the children go to their dad’s at all, whether the older 2 are there or not. The stepchildrens behaviour is disgusting but your ex’s response to it is no better. He’s not protecting his children or taking any of it seriously. You’re right. He’s a dickhead.

Adviceplease360 · 19/04/2018 16:51

Please ignore the posters acting like it was a joke or prank. It absolutely isn't.
Its very scary and abusive for a small a child who can't defend himself. Please don't let him go back there

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2018 16:54

Your poor son. He’s little more than a baby. Your ex is a vile piece of scum for laughing. I wouldn’t hesitate to call the police. My brother was abusive with me, he was only 2 years older and it was incredibly frightening. I cannot imagine how your children must feel. You now have a chance to show your children how they should be treated and I wouldn’t be allowing unsupervised visits. Your ex simply cannot be trusted.

LadyLancelot · 19/04/2018 16:54

Fuck me no way would my dc be going anywhere near that house whether the stepkids were there or not. Id call the police. Sounds like the stepkids aren't safe to be around children.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/04/2018 16:57

They aren't his? Then definitely report to the police. They are, essentially, strangers to you, your DC and your incredibly dim ExH.

And yes, keep them home, no more personal contact, facetime etc only. Let him take you to court and explain himself to a judge, you never know, he may just be dim-witted enough to do so!

But mostly, report to the police and keep them home so that SS have no reason to doubt your intent to keep your DC safe. No matter how much your ExH promises or begs, say no... until SS and a judge tell you otherwise!

sassymuffin · 19/04/2018 16:58

I think the fact that the 18 and 14 year old are not his children but his girlfriends children puts an even more sinister slant on it!

It is despicable behaviour and I was wondering if there were deep unresolved jealousy issues regarding "sharing" their father (not that it would justify the behaviour at all but maybe give a small insight as to what was the initial reason to it) As this is not the case then their behaviour is very disturbing.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/04/2018 17:01

This is dreadful!

Apart from the fear and distress involved (which are bad enough) - what if your DS had had a panic attack? Or had vomited from fright? He could have choked or suffocated.

If your ex hadn't come back, how long would this horrible pair have left him? Until he wet himself?

What else might they have done? Stuck him in a cupboard?

DEFINITELY contact the police - and get back to social services. This can't continue.

elisenbrunnen · 19/04/2018 17:02

Def call the Police, OP. Get it on record. Then stop your dc going to his house at all - if he wants to see them, he can apply to court (which will then hopefully look at all his acts) and take it from there.

I get from your posts that he is abusive to you? If he kicks off, tell the Police that too.

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