To think he can't control how I parent our son?

[hotstepper4]

Me and exh have been split up for 5 years. We share ds who is 7, custody is split 60/40 in exh favour as I had to move further out of town for financial reasons and ds school is 5 mins walk from exes flat.

We have always had different ways of parenting ds. Exh is structured, all about rules and schedules. Homework must be done immediately, bed at 7.30 pm on the dot, etc. He has always been very controlling.

Im more relaxed. I do ds homework with him on my weekends but I find time amongst the fun things we do to do it. Sometimes I still take a bath with ds at his request, he loves to play in the bath. I lay with him at night snuggled up with him until he's asleep. His room is a bit messy here.

Exh sent me a text tonight, long and rude saying that he does not want me bathing with ds anymore as its inappropriate and no more lying with him at night as he has to learn to fall asleep on his own. Homework must be main priority and I am not to baby ds anymore. He will be asking ds for reports weekly on whether I've laid with him at night or been in the bath with him.

Am I wrong? He's my son. This is how I parent. I think childhood is fleeting and should be fun, and flexible, and enjoyed. Can exh tell me how to behave when ds us with me?

Does ex have a hidden agenda here do you think?

Structure doesn't mean controlling. The paragraph in which you call him controlling doesnt describe someone who is controlling.

I find it a bit odd that you would snuggle up with him to sleep and have baths together at 7 but that maybe says more about me than you!

7 is old to Bath with your ds im with your husband there

But wheres the harm in being near him so he can sleep? I cant sleep if my husband in bed.

As long as homework is done on time why doesnhe even need to know when it is done? He doesnt. Do you do the homework and on time?

I think seven is too old to be bathing together tbh.

I would think your DS is too old now to be sharing a bath with you and most people wouldn’t be encouraging a 7 yo to go to sleep thems4kves and not need to be cuddled into their mum to enable them to sleep.

How you parent is up to you. A judge would have no issues with his complaints.
He sounds like a bully tbh.

Oppose previous post should read ‘most people WOULD be encouraging’

I think you're too old to bathe with him. As far as sleeping goes, does your sleeping with him affect his ability to fall asleep at his father's house? How often do you actually have him? You said 60/40, but then you said your weekends, do you only have him on weekends?

He's too old, not you.

I don't think the OP is asking for opinions on co-bathng and co-sleeping. She is asking if it unreasonable for her ex to attempt to control how she parents in her own time. And yes, I think he is being unreasonable. He could have opened a respectful dialogue about his concerns, but he didn't. He made rude demands and now OP is affronted. YANBU. Sorry you have to deal with this unpleasantness.

How did that split get decided? Did you receive independent advice? It is unusual.

I have eow and either 1 or 2 overnights in the week plus one after school pick up where we go to my dms then I drop him off with ex. I have asked ds if he wants a bath on his own but he always wants me in it. And I like laying with him at night but I suppose we could work on stopping that. I just resent my ex thinking that he can demand these things. We always do his homework but apparently it's sloppier with me as I don't check his work thoroughly enough.

greenlanes it was an independent arrangement we set up three years ago.

He doesn’t get to tell you what to do. Full stop.

That said, I think bathing with him at that age is a bit odd, and surely he can sleep on his own by now, but I don’t think these things are harmful. Perhaps your DS enjoys being away from his father’s restrictiveness.

Tell your ex to get a grip and fuck off.

How you parent is your business. Cosleep as long as your DS wants. Don't listen to his bullshit. What an arsehole.

At seven it is not appropriate for you to be bathing with him. If this was a father/daughter situation people would be very clear about this which tbh they have here as well but it’s equally inappropriate the other way around.

As for sleep, at seven he should be able to fall asleep independently, should certainly not be cuddled up with you to fall asleep. Being able to fall asleep independently is a valuable life skill IMO.

And all the talk of doing fun things rather than insisting he do homework etc sounds like classic disney parenting to me.

So, while your ex doesn’t have the right to tell you how to parent, as a parent he does have a right to an opinion, and IMO his opinion is right.

Your ex may be overly controlling about some things, but he's right about you bathing with your 7 year old son. It's totally inappropriate.

Nothing wrong with bathing with or snuggling in bed with a 7yo- I still do that sometimes with my 7yo DD and wouldn’t bat an eyelid if my 10yo DD wanted to!

Homework at 7 should be fun and laid back... he sounds controlling. I don’t normally check what my DC have done, it’s their work! He also doesn’t get to choose what you do so I would just ignore it. The only reason he could have a say would be if any of this is having an effect on how he is at his house, eg is he tired after later bedtimes or has DS told dad he doesn’t want to bath with you anymore?

I co parent (although feels like I’m the parent DC dad only has them 5 nights a month) but at his house they can go to bed when they want, eat what they wants - by this I mean fill up on sweets before dinner, chocolate before bed etc. So when DC come home, that night and usually the one following come bedtime they don’t want to stick to their routine and it takes me ages to get them to settle - so if it’s affecting the routine at his house I do feel with him been the resident parent he has some say as to how you should parent - I am constantly reminding Ex of DCs routine/asking him not to give in to giving them junk all the time as it causes tantrums at home..... but he should have had a discussion with you, not make demands.

If it has no impact on how they behave when home, then carry on.... my children are 5 and 18 months and I bathe with bathe with both of them on occasion - but they go to sleep by themselves

Apparently ds did tell exh he doesn't want to bathe with me anymore, then the next time he was here he said he did not mean it and wanted to. He's a people pleaser bless him I think he just tells me and exh what he thinks each of us wants to hear.

Consistency is important for children and while I don’t think your ex has a right to dictate what happens in your home I think it would be good to try and keep things like bed time, homework etc the same (or close to) as at Dads for your sons sake.

If it has no impact on how they behave when home, then carry on.

This is the point I was trying to make - does he just not want them sleeping together, or is it affecting his ability to sleep at the father's home? If it's the latter, he may have a legitimate complaint.

TBH he doesn't sound controlling, it sounds like he is giving structure to your ds life. Do you have set bedtimes or let him stay up late with you? You sound a bit like the Disney parent which is not going to benefit your ds at all, sorry.

And I agree with others that bathing with him at this age and settling him to sleep is odd.

I dunno. You’re coparenting. If he was doing something you really didn’t approve of, you’d tell him wouldn’t you?

If my husband (we are still together so not quite the same) was bathing with my daughter at age 7 damn right i would be putting a stop to it.

He can’t make you do anything but I think he’s well within his rights to voice concerns or disapproval. You would be too if it was the other way around.