To think he can't control how I parent our son?

[hotstepper4]

Me and exh have been split up for 5 years. We share ds who is 7, custody is split 60/40 in exh favour as I had to move further out of town for financial reasons and ds school is 5 mins walk from exes flat.

We have always had different ways of parenting ds. Exh is structured, all about rules and schedules. Homework must be done immediately, bed at 7.30 pm on the dot, etc. He has always been very controlling.

Im more relaxed. I do ds homework with him on my weekends but I find time amongst the fun things we do to do it. Sometimes I still take a bath with ds at his request, he loves to play in the bath. I lay with him at night snuggled up with him until he's asleep. His room is a bit messy here.

Exh sent me a text tonight, long and rude saying that he does not want me bathing with ds anymore as its inappropriate and no more lying with him at night as he has to learn to fall asleep on his own. Homework must be main priority and I am not to baby ds anymore. He will be asking ds for reports weekly on whether I've laid with him at night or been in the bath with him.

Am I wrong? He's my son. This is how I parent. I think childhood is fleeting and should be fun, and flexible, and enjoyed. Can exh tell me how to behave when ds us with me?

I feel it's inappropriate for your son to be bathing with you and not going to bed independently as he's 7 yrs now, it's up to you as a mother to be guiding him, you're his mother, sounds as if you are doing this for you rather than your son-as you said he's a people pleaser and stuck between you two adults, he's already had a difficult start in life with his parents splitting up, trying to maintain similar boundaries and routines would help your son-your Ex routines seem very sensible and "normal" to me.

I spy reverse

The projection on this thread is hilarious. “He’s probably set up that arrangement to avoid paying child support” is probably my favourite.

I’m coming in on the back of a batshit derail Mother are you being serious or trying to get a reaction? Either way you’re wrong.

As the resident parent who has to cope with meltdowns (DS1 is autistic) because XH does all he can to disrupt routines and do it “his way” (ie anything to cause me hassle) I think your XH has a point. It’s the resident parent who has to cope with the fallout from Disney parenting and it’s not just a pain in the arse, it’s difficult to see your child struggle with the changes and try to get back into some kind of routine. Also, EOW and 1 or 2 in the week isn’t 60/40

Wow so many responses and a lot of food for thought, thank you everyone.

Some one up thread asked if I chose a laid back style of parenting due to exh extremely regimented style and yes I definitely think that's true. Recently, ds got 90/100 on a spelling test. I took him for a milkshake to celebrate.. Exh berated him because he said it should have been 100/100. It's things like that. I don't think ex treats him as a child at all, rather as a subordinate.

I would love love love to have him more. But I can't, I live 10 miles away from my ex due to my dh needing to live in the same town as his exw so that he can have his dc overnight. Its messy. I have asked my ex many times for more time and he says I'd have to take him to court for it which I've never done, as I don't think I'd win due to where I live in relation to ds school, and I wouldn't change ds school as he's so happy there.

I will stop the Co bathing. I will also try to make him more independent at night. Another poster said I lay with him at night for me, not him, and there's truth in that. I miss him terribly when he isn't here.

Oh and I do pay maintenance to my ex, for those that asked.

I wonder if all the people commenting only see their child 40% of the time. I expect DS misses you and enjoys the extra closeness of snuggling to sleep and co bathing.

However it doesn't matter what I think because it's your choice how to parent. Ex does sound controlling to me, he doesn't get to demand how you parent and Vica versa unless there is a safety risk. He can open a conversation but he is not in charge.

One week I have my ds 4 nights and the other 3 plus after schools, I thought that was about 60/40, maybe it isn't.

Zzzz because I love him, because it was hurting him only seeing his kids for 4 hours every other Sunday and his exw said he could have overnight as long as he lived near her. So we moved. Tbh I thought I could have ds more here as for the first time i can afford for him to have his own room but ex uses the distance as a tool to stop me having him. It's only a 20 minute train ride away. Plus, it's enabled my ds, an only child, to have a relationship with his step siblings whom he absolutely adores.

But I can't, I live 10 miles away from my ex due to my dh needing to live in the same town as his exw so that he can have his dc overnight. Its messy

Man over child. Not good.

KT it isn't just that. Where I live, I could barely afford a one bed flat where ex lived. We had a nice flat we bought together, ex kept it. Where I live now, we have a house and ds has his own room.

My 7yr old loves a mummy bath and mummy bed time. Not at all inappropriate IMO.

I think you sound like a wonderful mum, very selfless. Many people our generation have grown up with strict fathers and very motherly mothers and most have grown up to love both parents and respectful of their ways, which both are good for children. I don't think being separated makes much of a difference.

I do think that in doubt, it's better to stop some activities like bathing together. There are many ways to bond with your child accepting that he is growing up.

Stay are you are. Being a good parent is as much about what you do every day for them as to what you do behind the scene so that they are stability in their lives. Your son seems very happy with the set-up and loved by both his parents. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty because they will consider that as his mum, you should have residency.

I'm sorry but I think you're ex is in the right. He doesn't sound controlling he sounds structured. If he's doing the lions share of making sure DS has a routine and then you come along and throw it all out the window he then has to spend his time with him getting him back into that routine.
Your son is 7 and it does sound a little like you're treating him as if he's a lot younger.

Your parenting sounds fine,OP.
If DS has a 7.30 bedtime and stays up til 8 occasionally with you ( I think an extra half hour was mentioned?) that's not in anyway no routine up til all hours Disney parenting.My DC never went to bed as early as 7.30 - they had routine and enough sleep though.
And it isn't a set in stone thing - I have a friend who was regularly put to bed before she was tired ( in the 60's) - it's messed up her sleep patterns her entire adult life.
It depends on the child - is he getting enough sleep? Is he happy cosleeping and bathing? His Dad doesn't sound like the type of guy to accept his son wanting to do that so we don't know which parent DS isn't able to be truthful with.Yes,kids get to care about nudity but when varies,people - your DC may care at 7,others may never really be that fussed (mine...)
And berating a child who got 90/100 for not getting 100 is bad parenting,the message that you need to be perfect is a damaging message no one should be giving a seven year old.

Neither of you are right or wrong, however it is in your dcs best interests to have a fairly consistent approach and given he is with his dad the majority of the time I think you should be more supportive. Especially with the laying with him to fall asleep. You could limit it to 5 minutes or so. The bath thing was fine but by he's getting a bit older now and it's probably coming to the end of the being appropriate stage.

Work with xh to create consistency and stability on some of the bigger issues. There is room for flexibility elsewhere. It is in the best interests of your ds to see supportive co parenting rather than extremes.

OP, was there any legal advice involved at all in your divorce from the XP? I have a nasty feeling that he steamrollered you into having the worst of both worlds, because he's a controlling prick (and that's why you left him). You, by the sound of it, are the lower earner and yet you had to leave the family home, so the XP got custody of both the child ad the money.

no routine up til all hours Disney parenting.

What's Disney parenting?

Sounds like what I did with my two, who grew up 'normal', sane, balanced, very kind and loving. If one parent is strict, the other needs to be more flexible and huggy IMO.

Huggy and loving is not the opposite of having boundaries. Having boundaries and setting them for kids is very much a part of parental love.
Having a set bedtime is not a punishment. Going to bed is not the opposite of having fun. We have had a fairly strict bedtime routine since week 2 of DS1’s life and same with DS2. We don’t do screens before bed. And we read to both kids and they are asleep by 7 and get a good 11-12 hours of sleep. And then when they are awake there is plenty of time for hugs and indulgence and laughter.

Particularly if you are parenting 30% of the time then to be the ‘fun’ parent is especially damaging.

And being flexible is not being up at all hours twice a week. We are going to a wedding this weekend and both kids will stay up late and join in the fun (it’s my niece who is getting married- their only cousin). That’s being flexible. Not disrupting his weekly routine to prove that one is a ‘fun’ mother.

What @reanimatedSGB said. I think you need to have a louder voice here. It sounds as if you have 50/50 split so a court might not change that. However don't feel pressured to change your parenting on account of what his dad thinks. He sounds controlling.

Nothing the OP has said suggests she actually is a disney parent. Half an hour later for bedtime is hardly sacrilege and maybe she feels he can cope with a slightly later bedtime without the roof falling in.

This idea that a 7 year old can't cope with 2 different sets of rules in 2 different households is a bit daft. Personally I think over-rigidity is more damaging than the occasional relaxation of schedules. But that is just me.

Yes,Juells-I agree,but it's a phrase bandied about on this thread ( and on MN) a lot.
To me ,OPs parenting sounds normal and her exH sounds rule and routine obsessed.A relaxed attitude to bedtime within limits etc etc is not no boundaries,it's just different boundaries.
In our house DC never went to bed before about 8.30/9 ( but until about age 17 DS was still taking himself to bed at about 9-9.30 as he doesn't like feeling tired)
Neither DC cares about nudity - it's me shutting the bathroom door to get some privacy now
Primary school homework - as far as I know there's not evidence for it having much effect ( and the DS is doing the blinking homework anyway!)
But I realise people can parent differently and still produce happy well balanced children.
I'm not sure that expecting 100/100 in tests and asking your child to report in on their other parents behaviour will produce that though,and to me that completely outweighs staying up for a bit,a bit of cuddling,and a slightly less obsessive attitude to homework...