To think he can't control how I parent our son?

[hotstepper4]

Me and exh have been split up for 5 years. We share ds who is 7, custody is split 60/40 in exh favour as I had to move further out of town for financial reasons and ds school is 5 mins walk from exes flat.

We have always had different ways of parenting ds. Exh is structured, all about rules and schedules. Homework must be done immediately, bed at 7.30 pm on the dot, etc. He has always been very controlling.

Im more relaxed. I do ds homework with him on my weekends but I find time amongst the fun things we do to do it. Sometimes I still take a bath with ds at his request, he loves to play in the bath. I lay with him at night snuggled up with him until he's asleep. His room is a bit messy here.

Exh sent me a text tonight, long and rude saying that he does not want me bathing with ds anymore as its inappropriate and no more lying with him at night as he has to learn to fall asleep on his own. Homework must be main priority and I am not to baby ds anymore. He will be asking ds for reports weekly on whether I've laid with him at night or been in the bath with him.

Am I wrong? He's my son. This is how I parent. I think childhood is fleeting and should be fun, and flexible, and enjoyed. Can exh tell me how to behave when ds us with me?

If this was the other way round and the child lived with the mum most of the time and she was asking the dad to put more structure into his routine, make sure he gets his homework done early and stops bathing and sleeping with his 7 year old son people would be supporting the mum, I do think he should get some say however coparenting is not about one parent telling the other what to do.
I do agree with and like prefer your style of parenting though, 8 year old ds still gets in the bath with me sometimes, still is allowed to be cuddled at night or get in our bed if he wants and his room is a mess.

I don’t think anything you’ve described gives him a right to insist on ‘rules’ for your time.

If he has concerns these should be discussed in an egalitarian and adult fashion.

It's not inappropriate to have a bath with your child if you both want to. Why would it be? Unless pp are implying something awful?! As for cosleeping you are doing no harm it's not like he'll want to sleep with you when he's 17. But as for your actual question no he can't tell you what to do when your child is with you it's none of his business. Would he listen if you were to tell him how to parent? Tell him to piss off and ignore the weird prudish pps.

I admit sometimes I do let him stay up a half hour or so later, especially if we're watching something together.

The problem is, me and ex have radically different ideas on what makes a good parent. I suppose I can be a bit "Disney" but it's only because I want him to be happy. I didn't have a particularly happy childhood and ds childhood is already lot more complicated than I wanted it to be.

I can see his point about sleeping. If the resident parent has gone to all the trouble of getting a child to go to sleep on his own, it's a real pain if the non-resident parent blithely undoes all that work.

There's a bigger issue here -

Either your son wants to bath with you or he doesn't, but he's said both. Because he doesn't have the confidence to voice his own feelings. As you said, he is telling you what you want to hear.

By 7, they will be learning boundaries in school. They should be learning this at home, but he isn't learning it from you. Your son should know that bathing with you isn't appropriate. If he doesn't want too, but he's just telling you what you want to hear, then that's very sad and dangerous.

There is nothing wrong with a child learning to be comfortable with bodies in general, and knowing what they look like etc, but sharing a bath involves skin to skin contact, and touching (even if you don't mean it, there just isn't much space" and he is too old for you to be doing that with him.

You shouldnt even be asking "should I get in with you?". Just say "bath time, I will be here if you need me but get in with it".

But, ignoring all that, the problem is that he cannot tell you what he wants. He's saying what you want to hear, and then he tells his dad what he wants to hear. You need to help him feel safe to speak up. You need to make him feel heard when he talks.

And check his homework. It should never be less than his best, so make sure that's what's happening. You're popping in a few times a month to be the "fun" parents and then complaining when you're told to actually do his homework properly.

The OP has 40% custody, I don’t think it’s fair to paint her as a ‘disney’ parent! I don’t think the dad has any right to tell her what to do.

However, for the sake of DS it is probably worth talking to ex to bring a bit more consistency and find a middle ground.

He can't tell you how to parent but it is in your son's best interests if he has consistency and routine. You are indulging what he wants when that isn't necessarily what he needs.
Co-sleeping and co-bathing may well be absolutely fine occasionally, it's not good for your son for this to be happening all the time. You're babying him because you want to keep him close and you want him to like being with you. That's all about you, not him.
It's your son who will suffer with this inconsistency. Just maintain a bit more structure. You can still parent your way, but be a parent, not a friend.

Op, i would agree with your ex that at 7 it is inappropriate for a child to be sharing a bath with their parent and with boys[I speak as a man] it is around this age boys are aware of sexual feelings and start to have physical attractions so to be around naked females even their mother is just inappropriate.

You bathe and sleep with your 7 yo and shove homework in with the fun stuff?

Your ex sounds like a pretty good dad tbh. You sound like a Disney Mum.

He will be asking ds for reports weekly on whether I've laid with him at night or been in the bath with him.

That bit gave me the creeps, and I'd have gone apeshit if I'd had a message like that from my ex. Fucking sergeant major.

I think he's too old for sharing a bath with you, but as other posters have said, that might be just me. I didn't even share a bath with my DDs when they were 7. I did have them in bed if they wanted though.

Also by sleeping with him he may be having disturbed nights and keeping everyone up the couple of nights after he gets back. So exh gets him in a good routine every week and then you go and fuck it all up again every weekend.

I dont think youre doing anything wrong. Your ex sounds horrible.

What's all the jumping on the OP about the homework thing? What she said was that she does it with her son along with the fun stuff.
Her exH doesn't think they are doing it "well enough" but we have no way of knowing whether it gets done badly,or whether the Dad has unrealistic expectations of perfection.We don't know if DS at 7 needs a bot more encouragement or a bit less pressure.
What exH doesn't get to say is when the homework gets done in someone else's home,that's just control freakery.
The DS has 2 parents,not a dad and an employed carer who needs to do just what he says

I wouldn’t bath with my 8 year old DS but I equally don’t find it weird when he walks in the bathroom to use the loo while I’m in the bath. Isn’t it kinda similar? We all see each other naked every day really... It’s just normal. I wouldn’t bath with him largely because he wouldn’t want me cramping his style not because it’s weird. It isn’t weird, you’re his mother and you birthed him. Nor is it weird to snuggle in bed with him.

Your exh has no right to dictate how you parent whatsoever and sounds like an utter control freak.

Oh and I am a teacher (granted, at college level so mostly adult learners) but I resent homework for primary school aged children.

It’s completely unnecessary and I detest doing it with my DC. They have just spent over six hours at school and are then expected to sit and do more bloody work. Too young imo. Secondary school, sure but it’s not important in the formative years.

As you were.

It isn't his business and the reports thing is way off.

I would reply to him saying something like

Hi Ex

Now DS is 7, I have also been thinking about ending us bathing together. For the rest, as I'm sure you know, we have slightly different parenting styles so we will have to agree to doing our own thing during our time with DS. I won't be asking him to report on you and I hope you won't be asking him to report on me - that has the potential to be quite damaging for DS. I'm sure we both have his best interests at heart. best OP.

I agree with you completely that your ex has no business telling you how to be a parent (although I agree with others that 7 is plenty old to stop the baths together). To be honest though, I wonder if, ignoring your ex, it is time for you to assess whether you are being a disney parent. 7 year olds do actually need a structure and need to get to bed on time and need to do their homework. Maybe you get away with it because the bulk of the structure is happening on your ex's time. If so, it might be annoying for him to hear your son talk about being able to stay up late and do homework at the last minute at Mummy's.

the bathing and sleeping together also makes me wonder if your son is sad that he doesn't see you more and craves a more intense intimacy with you during the times you are together as a result. Is there any way you can move to a more 50/50 residency?

Pinkvoid couldn't agree more. Zero evidence of it doing any good. If I ruled the world primary children to age about 10 would have no homework but reading, repeating times tables and maybe occasionally learning a poem.

@Avasarala has it spot on, IMO.

Agree with Pink. I think people who find the bathing thing 'totally inappropriate' need to stop reading the Mail or the Sun. It's all a bit paranoid and the problem lies in that way of thinking, - seeing sexual signifiers when they're just body parts at that age. I think that's really weird. Your ex is projecting this kind of thinking onto what you rightly see as bonding time, maybe babying him a bit, but you can do that, why not? So long as your son is happy with it too. Tell ex to stop being a creep and that it's none of his business. I'd also be slightly worried ex was trying to build a picture up of your relationship with your son that was damaging in order to use it against you.

From what you’ve said you don’t have your child 40% of the time, it’s less than that. Your ex is doing the majority of the parenting. What you’re doing is probably knocking the boy off balance when he comes back to Dad’s home. then your ex is stuck with settling him back in. Then he is with you again and it goes back to square one. I do think yabu, sorry. (Also, we’re a very open household but I would have never bathed with my 7 year old son, that’s just a bit too old).

There is a vast difference between trying to control the NRP's parenting and wanting consistency.

My ex and I co-parent our DD (age 9) 50/50. We both have our own ways of doing things and individual house rules but we do agree on certain things being consistently done regardless of which house she is at, the only differences are the ways it is implemented in each household.

So, for example, we agreed that DD should go to bed on weekdays no later than 9pm during term time - as any later and she struggles the following day. At her dad's house she doesnt have a fixed bedtime but goes to her room at any time between 8 and 9pm, whereas at my house she has a more "fixed" routine in that she knows she has to be in her room by 8:30 but she can read until 9 if she wants. Sometimes I will go up and read or chat with her but she goes to bed independently and doesn't need me to be there every night to settle herself. If she wasn't settling without me then that would most certainly be affecting bedtime at her dad's house and I could imagine her dad asking me to change my behaviour as it was affecting his household.

Homework is another thing that is non-negotiable in that it has to be done, but how we do it differs between households. At her dad's house she goes straight home and does her homework immediately after school (or as soon as she gets home after extra curricular activities) whereas, at my house, as long as it is done before she goes to bed then she can choose when to do it. Sometimes she does it immediately when she gets home and sometimes she has a snack/watches a bit of TV before going back to it. Regardless of when she does her homework though, she is expected to do it to the best of her ability and both her dad and I check her homework and make sure she has done it properly.

He doesn’t sound remotely controlling.

I agree with him that 7 years old is too old to be bathing with his mother. And I do wonder whether your method of parenting is having an impact on his behaviour when he is at his dad’s. For example, is your decision to sleep with him affecting his ability to sleep by himself?

We all see each other naked every day really

Why?!

I’ve never understood this mumsnet thing of being comfortable seeing your parents naked and vice versa. I would have hated to have seen my dad naked at 7 years old.