To think he can't control how I parent our son?

[hotstepper4]

Me and exh have been split up for 5 years. We share ds who is 7, custody is split 60/40 in exh favour as I had to move further out of town for financial reasons and ds school is 5 mins walk from exes flat.

We have always had different ways of parenting ds. Exh is structured, all about rules and schedules. Homework must be done immediately, bed at 7.30 pm on the dot, etc. He has always been very controlling.

Im more relaxed. I do ds homework with him on my weekends but I find time amongst the fun things we do to do it. Sometimes I still take a bath with ds at his request, he loves to play in the bath. I lay with him at night snuggled up with him until he's asleep. His room is a bit messy here.

Exh sent me a text tonight, long and rude saying that he does not want me bathing with ds anymore as its inappropriate and no more lying with him at night as he has to learn to fall asleep on his own. Homework must be main priority and I am not to baby ds anymore. He will be asking ds for reports weekly on whether I've laid with him at night or been in the bath with him.

Am I wrong? He's my son. This is how I parent. I think childhood is fleeting and should be fun, and flexible, and enjoyed. Can exh tell me how to behave when ds us with me?

Rubbish! My DS didn’t like getting hair cuts didn’t mean I allowed his hair to grow into a mess. She’s the mother she’s the boss. Her house her rules. She can bathe her son anyway she pleases. If her ex wants her to do it another way that’s fine pay up. If he wants her to do his homework that’s fine pay up. Why is it her duty to do homework anyway. I know if she has primary custody of the kids and give the kids homework when they visited dad to have FUN weekend the work wouldn’t get done. Why is the father not doing to homework with him. He wants to been the fun dad and have primary custody it doesn’t work like that. He’s playing games OP stay strong and tell him how you feel.

I think my ds would have jumped in the bath with me at 7 but I like baths really hot. Never encouraged him.

He will at 10yo still sleep with me if he ever gets the chance.

I love this thread. It's got it all perverts, bad mothers, domineering fathers and a about to be banned poster.

MotheroftheNorth, where do you get the idea that OP's ex walked out on her? All she says is that they split up.

If you believe that he should provide financial support for the limited time she has their son, then presumably you agree that she should provide more financial support for the greater time than he does?

There is absolutely no suggestion that OP's house is unsafe for her son. There is no evidence that the ex has more money than OP. You seem to have made up a totally fictional scenario.

Have you even read this thread?

He does the homework! But the child gets weekend homework and the child is at the mothers for the weekend, so it needs to be done. His complaint is that when he does the homework, the work is good but when she's in charge of homework, the work is poor. They should both strive to always have him do his best at his work. She does not.

You're contradicting yourself now.

First you say she is the mother, her word counts more, she should parent him and have him more of the time than the dad.

Now you say that if she is to do his homework, then she should be paid for it. If she is to enforce routine and good behaviour, then she should be paid.

That's called parenting - you do not get paid for it.

And good grief, if a child does not want to be naked with someone, you do not force them. You do not make them feel like they can't say no. It is not at all the same as a haircut, you idiot. A child should never feel that they can't say no to nudity the with an adult. It doesn't matter if it is a family member - most sexual assaults are by a family member. A child needs to be able to say "no, I do not want to be naked with you". He tells his dad that, but he can't tell his mum because she clearly wants it and he's trying to please her.

Avasarala

My fiancé wasn’t dumb enough to get his ex wife pregnant. If she had a child then yes he would have to pay the amount she wanted.

You’re pretty much a week ‘ independent woman’ beliefs like yours is why so many kids are a mess these days. If she was a try independent woman she would know her worth. Know that her ex has not right to be dictating her what to do. Know that her ex needs to pay up for just leaving her after all the support she provided for him. Like I said he wants a say on how the child is raised that’s perfectly fine he needs to pay up though. Either that or remarry her and try to make it work for the child

Motherofthenorth you are making some ver strange assumptions based on gender roles. How do you know the op supported him? How do you know he couldn't have achieved what he has without her? Maybe she held him back. Maybe she has only got her career because he provided all the free childcare. You just don't know anything about their situation and appear to be projecting wildly because of your own issues.

GnotherGnu

She had to move for financial reasons while he’s living it out in a nice luxury apartment where she most likely used to live! Clearly she isn’t making as much as he does. She scarified a lot for this child and yet her has the nerve to treat her like dirt. Making it out like shes the bad parent. What choices has he made that where for the child? Non it was all for himself. How is the dad have custody of a young boy his age good for the child he just did it so he didn’t have to pay up!

Young men like him are the reason young women like my daughter think ‘men are trash’ just look at this mans behaviour. It’s trashy and selfish.

No, you said it didn't matter if the kid wasn't there.

You said he promised to look after her, so he needs to do that until she remarries. The wedding vows have nothing to do with children. You said he promised to look after her and take care of her, so he has to support her. So that should apply to your fiancé.

He has the child almost full time. He has the day to day care and the day to day costs. He has no reason at all to give her money.

Taking money from someone for nothing does not prove your worth. She has no reason to receive money from him.

And the child belongs to them both; he has every right to comment on parenting.

What support did she provide? How do you know who left who?

You've made up some fictional story and you're casting her as a victim who was left with nothing and no home. It's utter crap. And nothing to do with this person. You don't know.

When you know the full story, you can give the comments you're making only if they apply.nBut when talking in general, women do not need men to pay for them. Parents need to pay for their kids, that's it. And he is. He doesn't need to give her money in order for her to parent her child. You do not get paid for being a parent. You do not get paid to do homework with your kids, or to tidy their room, or to set bed times. You just do it because you're a parent.

You get paid maintenance to feed and clothe them. He is already doing that more than her, so she is responsible for it on her own when she has the kid.

All I can hope is that you're just sitting there saying things to wind people up because if anyone actually thinks like you, then God help their kids.

I think your daughter feels that way about men because you've raised her to be a 1950's precious housewife who expects a man to lavish her with money and support her. And I don't know many men who find that kind of woman attractive on a first date.

Lemony So what? Perhaps your sister then didn't want a bath with her Mum...her boundaries might change. My DD hasn't got her period though. Girls in my family typically don't till' they're 13 or so it seems going by my other daughters.

Avasarala

My kids are doing great thanks! My older has a well earned, daughter is in the top University in Canada and my youngest son is studying in UCL. I think I did well as a mother. Even though me and he exH were together they saw that I was a strong mother that stuck to my beliefs. Knew my worth and loved the unconditionally. I never allowed my ex to boss me around especially when he didn’t pay his fair share!

As the mother you need to be strong if your DCs see that you are being dictated by your father they will feel like they have a right to dictate you! Stand you ground. Don’t listen to the women you saying he shouldn’t be giving you your fair share of the money.

I’m guessing the people complaining also complain when rich people people a higher percentage of tax. It’s the same principle!

Mumsnet is a very strange place full of people with opinions I rarely come across in real life but MotheroftheNorth might be the most bizarre poster I’ve ever come across. I sincerely hope, for the sake of your family at least that you are not real.

You get your fair share in divorce. Assists are split in favour of the most in need.

The divorce is over - she will already have her money if they had any to split. If they didn't, then neither are well off and they make their own way,

Then, it comes down to kids. The parent who takes primary care of the child gets paid. He is taking primary care, so he gets paid. End of.

A woman does not need his money, has not earned his money, does not deserve his money.

A woman can make her own money, especially when she does not have a child to take care of every day

He has no obligation to pay anything to her. Not legally and not morally. And given your morals, with the adultery and everything, you're really not in a position to preach.

And you're right there; I absolutely disagree with the 40 and 45% tax bands. It is not the job of individual high earners to support the country. Fees should be levied on the stock exchange, cooperation tax should be properly enforced, loopholes for businesses closed. Then, by the time pay reaches the individuals, it is more fair and the money is already in the treasury. Businesses should be given cuts in council tax and other benefits if they pay a proper living wage, so tax credits are not needed.

You have a very backwards thinking, and that kind of thinking has got the country into a mess.

“Don’t check the homework thoroughly enough”????

He does know it’s the teacher’s job to mark work and that the teacher wants to see his work and not his parents’ ??

(Sorry mangled grammar.)

Oh my god people are so prude. Of course you can bath and snuggle with your son. That's not weird at all, it's fun! He sounds like a really awful person I think you should try and get custody in the best interests of your son.

I completely agree with Avasarala.

I suppose I can be a bit "Disney" but it's only because I want him to be happy. I didn't have a particularly happy childhood and ds childhood is already lot more complicated than I wanted it to be.

OP, if you want to make your child happy, you need to make it possible for him to freely say what he feels. And the situation between your ex and you is clearly such that he doesn't feel he can. Sort it our with your ex.

And rigid rules don't make a good parent. Kids need space to grow and create and think and breathe. I think it's much better to be laid back.

Why not just move to chatting to DS while he's having a bath? So you still have some relaxed time together, but without the physical aspect.

But please listen to what DS is saying (and is not saying). He's caught between your very different approaches, he doesn't know what he should and should not be saying to you both, and you and ExH are in conflict. It's not healthy for him to be in this situation, you and ExH need to come to an agreement soon and put DS first

You sound like a nice mum and I can understand why you've split from your ex, what a prat he is.

I'd ignore actually.

This is normally poor form, but her posts are so batshit, I suggest AS-Ing MotheroftheNorth. Her current thread is very insane enlightening.

Ignore him, what you do with your son during your time is nothing to do with him and none of his business, likewise the other way around. He is trying to regain some control over you both.

OP the maths to this really don’t add up - EOW and 1-2 nights a week is more like 80/20. If your DH is the one doing the majority of the parenting, and that works for your DS day to day, then it’s probably very frustrating for you to come along and undo the routine that works for him - it sounds very unsettling for your DS. You need to ask yourself who the Disney parenting is actually for - you or him?

I think your DS has taken some time to tell his DDad (resident parent) that he doesn't like what happens during his visits to you.

Your choice now is to believe this, and alter how things are (lots of suggestions already in the thread), because doing things your DS does not like is not making his childhood happy, but exactly the opposite.

An odd late night is neither here nor there. But frequently missing bedtime is indeed a problem, especially in conjunction with your persisting with activities with your DS which he does not like (all this snuggling up when he doesn't want it is your self-gratification, despite his dislike)

If you want him to want to visit you, I recommend you make some changes. Because he's nearly at an age when, if he says he does not want to visit NRP, he may well be listened to. Sounds OTT? Then you really do need to pause - older children don't usually make decisions overnight or capriciously. It's the result of cumulative upsetting experiences.

Your Ex doesn’t have the right to tell you how to parent.

However, I do think that the fact your DS is telling your ex that he doesn’t want to bath with you, and you that he does, is a little worrying. He’s clearly feeling confused torn between the two of you.

You and your ex need to put aside your differences and think of your son.

IMO that means that he should stop sending you horrid text messages and you should make an effort to give DS a bit more consistency (I think it’s your role to do this, as your ex has DS for the majority of the time).

Can you talk to your ex about this and have a civil conversation? You should both be prepared to compromise and find something that works for all three of you. Eg you could agree to stop bathing with DS and make sure his homework is done, but your ex could agree that half an hour later bedtime at the weekend is fine.