To think he can't control how I parent our son?

[hotstepper4]

Me and exh have been split up for 5 years. We share ds who is 7, custody is split 60/40 in exh favour as I had to move further out of town for financial reasons and ds school is 5 mins walk from exes flat.

We have always had different ways of parenting ds. Exh is structured, all about rules and schedules. Homework must be done immediately, bed at 7.30 pm on the dot, etc. He has always been very controlling.

Im more relaxed. I do ds homework with him on my weekends but I find time amongst the fun things we do to do it. Sometimes I still take a bath with ds at his request, he loves to play in the bath. I lay with him at night snuggled up with him until he's asleep. His room is a bit messy here.

Exh sent me a text tonight, long and rude saying that he does not want me bathing with ds anymore as its inappropriate and no more lying with him at night as he has to learn to fall asleep on his own. Homework must be main priority and I am not to baby ds anymore. He will be asking ds for reports weekly on whether I've laid with him at night or been in the bath with him.

Am I wrong? He's my son. This is how I parent. I think childhood is fleeting and should be fun, and flexible, and enjoyed. Can exh tell me how to behave when ds us with me?

His parenting sounds perfectly normal not controlling. You guys are supposed to co-parent not counter parent so if he's trying to teach independence but you don't follow through then it needs to be discussed. Might be a good idea to meet up to work out how to move forward together

You are their parent not their friend. Your ex is right, you should not be bathing with him, its weird. The sleeping thing would be ok IF he stayed with you all the time but your ex has to pick up the fall out when goes back to him, so its not fair. Structure and routine with children is NOT controlling.

Obviously your DS is telling you both what you want to hear, you need to talk to your ex and work out what is right, not ask your DS. Your DS is not a weapon for what you want.

At 7 years old, masturbatuion is totally normal. They don't do it to reach climax, they don't even really think about anything/anyone of associate it with anything/anyone. It's just self touching for comfort and because it's something they've realised feels nice.

But they are starting to understand sex, and that bodies are involved and that its private. Being in a situation where you're 7, in the bath and naked with your mother is not a good thing. It's normal for self touching to occur in the bath/shower - you do not want a child to have those thoughts whilst naked with a parents, or to associate those thoughts with being naked with a parent.

You will find psychologist who come down in the other side of it and say it's totally fine and doesn't cause any confusion in the long term, but an awful lot more like me would say that nudity is acceptable to a point, but encouraging nudity the together in the bath is not.

Not sure about the bath thing, he does seem a little old for that now. However, the sleep thing may just be due to DS wanting the comfort f being close to his mum sometimes- it's not a need as such, sometimes just nice! My DD5 will always want to sleep in my bed to first night she's back home from her Dads, we both are like it so what's the problem!

I think cosleeping is at 7 is ok but probably 9-10 it would be weird

TBH when it comes to this sort of thing , I think the other parent can have a say if it is a genuine concern for th safety of the child o setting a blatant bad example , for example if ex1 smoked in the same room or was drunk in front of child then ex2 had a right to say you need to change this.

However of it simply a diff parenting style and the ex wanting you to change it for control reasons rather than actual concerns, (even if they pretend it's an actual concern) then no it's not ok for them to get involved, it's just controlling.

Why did you and your ex separate, OP? Was it anything to do with him expecting abject obedience from both you and DC, by any chance?
I'm not thrilled with the fact that you 'sorted arrangements out between you' when added to the fact that he has ordered you to provide written reports.

I do think that it's probably time to stop the shared bathtimes, but I wonder if you have chosen a more affectionate, friendly, laidback style of parenting because your ex is a bully. If that's so, you probably need to get some support in place in order to be able to tell him to fuck off, he is not the boss or owner of either you or DS and you will parent as you see fit.

It's FINE for your son to bathe with you! My DD is NINE and still sometimes hops in with me!

She's too tall really so it doesn't last but why on earth are people saying it's not right??

Obviously a child approaching puberty is too old....most wouldn't want to by then. But we're talking about a SEVEN year old boy!

Good grief there is some uptight stuff on here! Why is it weird to bathe with a 7yo if they want it. It is totally normal and unremarkable in very many parts of the world.

WTF is wrong with lying with youe lovely, snuggly child in bed? Mine both love this and they are 7 and 10.

Are we raising machines here, or humans with their, you know, need for human contact ?!?!

Your ex sounds hugely comtrolling and I would.kindly point out that any parent who asks.a child to report on their other parent is profoundly misguided and highly manipulative. That is much more concerning than co-sleeping.

I have eow and either 1 or 2 overnights in the week plus one after school pick up where we go to my dms then I drop him off with ex

Admittedly maths is not my strong point but I dont think thats 60/40 surely.

I think your system sounds messy as hell tbh.

I suppose I can be a bit "Disney" but it's only because I want him to be happy
This is a MAJOR issue on MN when it's dads that have the less time. You wouldn't have to look far to find heaps of posts bitching about how the other parent doesn't respect the 'rules' etc.
When it's the dad, that is.

What you’re doing is probably knocking the boy off balance when he comes back to Dad’s home. then your ex is stuck with settling him back in. Then he is with you again and it goes back to square one
A very, very common complaint when it is the other way round.

YABU OP. You wanting to be 'liked' by your child won't do him any favours in the long run

Has your son started showing modesty cues?

Does he cover himself if you walk in when he's changing? Does he close the door when using the toilet? Does he look away when other people are changing? Close his bedroom door when changing?

These are all modesty cues, which you need to take notice of. They mean he is seeing his body as private, and you should cover up too at that point.

If you don't want to just start randomly enforcing clothing, then follow his lead. When you see those signs, it is time to cover up.

It just sounds like he doesn't have a voice of his own; you and your ex need to find a way to allow him to speak, and to allow him to feel safe and secure enough to be honest.

Unfortunately your Ex is right. In my belief the males views takes prority especially if he is giving a lot of financial help.

I know how difficult it is raising kids in a broken marriage however you need to learn to get on. I know for sure if people found out about your son a 7 sleeping in the same bed at you may cause bullying in school. You son is someday going to turn into a man and needs to learn how to do things for himself you can’t keep looking after him all then time.

The whole thing if letting him stay up a half hour later "or so" would drive me bananas.

You just know he goes home and gives his Dad grief about having to go to bed at the proper time.

Reading this, I have a very strong instinct that you ex sounds xontrolling of you both and not nice at all.

I feel like you should have your child with you more than 40% of the time.

Who "makes homework the priority " with a 7 yo every night. where is the fun or love in ex's house?

Also I think a court would want to hear about this "reporting " on your time thing. That's wildly inappropriate and trying to set d's up against you.

MotheroftheNorth Not being goady enough on your own thread then?

Male view takes priority my arse! You clearly didn’t think that when you were banging your ex behind your late DHs back.

Daisysstew

Why don’t keep that stuff on my thread I’m sure the OP doesn’t appreciate people bringing in other drama.

Also, it is totally untrue that men's opinions are more important than women's. In this case it sounds as though the kid would benefit more from being encouraged to see his father as inadequate, controlling and foolish rather than some scary all-powerful authority.

And this man is clearly not giving any financial support (and probably set up the alleged 60-40 thing in order to avoid paying any support.)

I think OP might actually benefit from a chat with Women's Aid.

Because you’re clearly on a wind up and this seems like a genuine thread where the OP has asked for genuine opinions, not a piece of ridiculous fiction like yours.

In my belief the males views takes prority especially if he is giving a lot of financial help
I can't believe I just read that. . What utter garbage.

If he isn’t providing the right amount of financial support then he has little to no right to tell you how the parent the kids. That being said I still stand by my view on your son getting bathed etc.

Tell you ex if he wants to have an impact on the way you parent you child he needs to start paying more. Set a certain amount each month it doesn’t matter how much he earns it’s about how much you need. Your a single mother he has a duty to not just look after the child but you aswell. He can’t just swan off and then dictate you on how to raise the child without providing the financial support needed.

And this man is clearly not giving any financial support

Did I miss something? Why would the RP offer the NRP financial support just because the RP is the father? Surely it would be the other way around that the OP owes her ex maintenance payments (if anyone was going to give financial support to the other parent)?

Perhaps the OPs ex did do it to avoid support payments but equally it could be because it is in the child's best interests and is not a decision made on a purely financial basis.

DaisysStew if you have a problem with my thread why bring it up here? Like I said she’s come in here for advice not to be getting involved in other people’s drama. Do you just go around attacking other women on this forum?

He absolutely does sound controlling. Demanding weekly updates? No way would I do that. I wouldn't respond to him at all. Plenty of women on here say it's none of the mother's business how the father parents the children when they are with him. Strange how that only works one way.