To think he can't control how I parent our son?

[hotstepper4]

Me and exh have been split up for 5 years. We share ds who is 7, custody is split 60/40 in exh favour as I had to move further out of town for financial reasons and ds school is 5 mins walk from exes flat.

We have always had different ways of parenting ds. Exh is structured, all about rules and schedules. Homework must be done immediately, bed at 7.30 pm on the dot, etc. He has always been very controlling.

Im more relaxed. I do ds homework with him on my weekends but I find time amongst the fun things we do to do it. Sometimes I still take a bath with ds at his request, he loves to play in the bath. I lay with him at night snuggled up with him until he's asleep. His room is a bit messy here.

Exh sent me a text tonight, long and rude saying that he does not want me bathing with ds anymore as its inappropriate and no more lying with him at night as he has to learn to fall asleep on his own. Homework must be main priority and I am not to baby ds anymore. He will be asking ds for reports weekly on whether I've laid with him at night or been in the bath with him.

Am I wrong? He's my son. This is how I parent. I think childhood is fleeting and should be fun, and flexible, and enjoyed. Can exh tell me how to behave when ds us with me?

MotheroftheNorth Did you even read the thread before posting your ridiculous, misogynistic comment? The child lives with the father for a majority of the time - why would he pay child support when he’s the resident parent?

Also even if the child lived with the OP full time, why would how much child support her ex paid have anything to do with it? Do you think that men who pay child support have a right to dictate what their ex partners do?

He is the main carer - why the hell should he give her money?

She has the kid every other weekend, and a night during the week. What does she need maintenance for?

Legally, she should be paying him. Most of the single mothers on here are caring for the child the same amount of the this man is caring for the child, and they get paid maintenance. If you told all those women that they should be paying their ex who has the kids every other weekend, then you'd get lynched.

What a ridiculous thing to say. He has no reason to pay her anything.

1-2 nights a week he doesn’t have a regular bedtime. He stays up watching TV. Doesn’t do his homework properly. And his room is a mess. And by your admission you don’t want to impose too many rules because you want him to be ‘happy.’
It’s possible for kids to have structure AND be happy? In fact some would say that kids are happier having some boundaries in their life.

And it’s incredibly irritating for the parent doing the bulk of the work to be constantly
undermined in the name of ‘fun’?
I’d be getting quite cross if I was your ex DH.
Also how do you know what he said to your DH isn’t what he wants? That he wants to stop bathing with you? He did say that to his resident parent with whom he has a relationship of trust. Why are you dismissing that?

PS I think bathing with a 7 year old is fine and the odd night of co-sleeping is fine too. DS1 who is 6 wouldn’t want to sleep in my bed every night. He likes his own room and his independence.

Ha! Full on feminist here love so don’t try that with me. Disagreeing with your ridiculous opinions doesn’t constitute “attacking women”.

Why on earth should he start paying more, MotheroftheNorth? He's already supporting him more than 60% of the week. If anything, OP should be paying him.

Also we do homework every day. It takes 10 minutes at most. There is plenty of fun, laughter, music and games in our house.

We also have a strict bedtime routine for both boys. DS1 is in his room by 6:30 while I get DS2 who is 14 months to sleep. Then I go read to DS1 and then lights off. No one is awake after 7:15 and they both are awake around 6:45.

This idea that having a routine, having a structure to your day and little milestones that mark out the day makes for joyless living is absurd.

Super weird comment up the thread a bit. Anyhoos.

Seven is old to be sharing a bath with your mother. If he mentions that in the school ground ... well, good luck to your DS. I asked both my sons what they thought about that, and they both cringed.
Cuddling him to sleep is more for you , than him - as he is obviously able to cope without this at his Dads. Occasionally sure, when he asks specifically.
I'm sure you miss him, but I think you may be going over the top and your son is just , as you say, telling you want to here.

Strangely enough, structure makes children happy , as does consistancy and I'm sorry but your DH is right. Same bedtime on weeknights, stretch it on one weekend night till later, and check his homework properly.You are not being fair to your DS or your ex by making yourself the "fun" parent, and bath thing is just awkward. I can't imagine that was an easy topic to broach for your ex. That will have to taper off soon or stop or it'll start being plain weird in my opinion.

Well yes! If you ex his paying more than he has more of a say with how the kids should be raised. Men don’t just pay for stuff without getting anything in return unfortunately. I did this with my ex and it worked out great. Got the money I needed and the children got the parenting they deserved. I still think the man has a duty to provide the women with support. Yes the child is mostly with the dad ( which I also have a problem with at such a young age) however like I said the man should still be supporting the child and his ex wife that he walked out on until she remarries. If he’s not helping her financial then how can he have a right to tell her how to parent the kid. She gave birth to the child and carried it for 9 months. Her parenting is the most important in the child’s life.

MotheroftheNorth 😂 I’m off to bed now but thanks for the entertainment tonight... I’ll be quite sad when you get banned 😘

@MotheroftheNorth

No. Just no. Please take yourself back to the 1950s and stay there quietly. You clearly want to me the meek, victim playing woman who needs a man to support her.

Women are not incapable. Women are not victims. Women do not need a man to pay for them.

She has almost every day free. She can work. He has a child to support for everything other than 2 weekends a month and a night a week or something. On what planet shoukd be also pay for a completely capapable woman?

Please just stop. Just leave the thread and stop spouting utter nonsense that seems to suggest women should never wrk just because they've popped out a kid.

Childbirth is not new; happens thousands of times a day. It is not a reason to never work or support yourself. It does not make a woman a delicate little flower who needs a man to make the money.

Actually, I think your ex has a point. You are being the “weekend dad”. If the structure and routine work for your DS then not setting any boundaries because you want to be seen as fun is I’m guessing confusing and has a negative effect on his behaviour through the rest of the week. YOU may want to bath with him and sleep with him, but if at 7 he’s already doing these things perfectly well independently then you choosing to infantalise him two nights a week is probably quite confusing for your DS.

Avasarala

What a load of crap. Sorry but that was just all wrong he married her and promised that he would look after her for all of his life. He broke that promise and walked out on her and thought he would be smart enough to take the kid to not pay for child support. That’s fine however now he has the nerve to tell her how to parent the child.

If he wanted to be able to control the parenting then why did he not stay married to her then? Why did he bother giving her a child? Why did he just not get a surrogate mother? Her exH is a disgrace and needs to man up and may his fair share. He still has a duty to look after her until she’s stable to be able to be on his own. He also has no right to be telling her how the parent the kids. If she wants to be a laid back mother then good for her. Her ex has only himself to blame.

@AjasLipstick my sister got her period at 8 years old and wasn’t considered early ... so a 7 & 9 year old are approaching puberty ...

Why would someone need to support their ex-wife, who has a job and income of her own? It's entirely irrelevant, and doesn't help the OP in any way

Hotstepper, I'm afraid I agree that it will be in your son's interest to have the same bedtime at each parents' home. Perhaps you could him to be at same time his father does, but lie by him, quietly chatting for 15-20 minutes? That would be your snuggle and his bedtime sorted.
I do think bathing with a 7yo is fairly unusual. My children are still very happy for either of us to sit and chat with them whilst they bathe, but we wouldn't get in the tub with them!

It would be in the ‘sons best insterest’ if both of his parents were still together. Like I said before he has no right to leave his wife yet dictate her life it’s disgraceful. OP you parents the child the way you think is right.

The OP wasn’t talking about how to parent her child, it was about her exH thinking hehas the right to tell her how to raise her kid. He has no right so tell him to either give you your money or do one. Hope this helps OP

@MotheroftheNorth

She moved away. Her son stayed in town with his dad so he could continue school. No one forced her to move.

Again, go back to the fifties. Marriage is not about a man promising to "look after" a woman. We are capable of looking after ourselves.

Marriage is a partnership; when it ends, you are jointly responsibly for any children but that is it. And he is more than living up to his responsi hotly as a parent. Having her money will not improve his parenting; he should be keeping his money to spend on his child. And he should be receiving maintenance, as the women in his situation are.

But, you really wouldn't understand marriage as a partnership. You cheated on your husband and then took you current fiancé from another woman. Is he still supporting her since he "promised to look after her" and then left her to be with you? Will he be funding her home and lifestyle until she remarries?

It is not anyone's responsibility to support someone when they no longer share a life. It is their job to pay for their child, and he is doing that since the child lives with him.

And it is not 'her kid'. It is 'their kid'.

It is absolutely his business, and they should act like grown ups and sit down and discuss it. Come up with agreed routines and bed times - children need that. It's pretty conclusive that children with routines and bedtimes do better in school and are more settled than children who do not have that.

They are co-parents, but at the moment are too busy trying to have the last word over each other. They should be doing what is best for their son. She can have fun, and give him a happy childhood without disrupting his bed time and being naked in the bath with him. Her ex husband is asking for two very reasonable things there.

If the tone of his demands in the OP is how he actually expressed them then he does sound unacceptably controlling and authoritarian. He should have asked to discuss it with you properly not texting a load of rules for you to follow and upsetting your ds by grilling him after he's seen you.

Has the arrangment been in place for 5 years? Are you happy with it? Sounds to me as though you're not getting enough time with your ds and making up for it by overdoing the physical closeness. Better to stand your ground with your ex and get a formalised custody split that you're happy with.

But if she’s earning less. Which it sounds like form the OP. Then he really has a duty to make sure that the house the his son goes too is safe for him to stay at. If the mother is is a happy position then the child will be. He has more money then her so he needs to help her out more. She helped him get to where is now so he must return the father. The achievements that His does aren’t just his own but achievements from his partnership with OP. Do you even know the process of divorce? How the assets work? Tell him to pay up OP! It’s disgraceful the way he’s treating you and the child aswell.

That txt sounds to me like he's at the end of his tether with it. I'd guess he's brought it up many times before, and has been totally ignored. And his son is telling him that he doesn't want to bath with mum.

If I was that parent, and my child said "I don't want to do that" and I'd already talked with the other parent about it over and over, then I'd probably be close to sending a similar message.

If it's the first time he's mentioned it, then he's done it the wrong way. But given the OP saying they've always had yeses differences then it seems more likely that he's had enough of her ignoring boundaries whilst listening to his son tell him that he doesn't want to share a bath.

If there's any question about your child being unhappy about bathing with you, you don't do it. Ditto co-sleeping.

Ultimately your ex is the primary carer, and in my opinion that means their opinion carries more weight because they're the ones mostly dealing with the fallout, and they know the child better. You're also undermining your ex which can be disconcerting for your child.

I agree you're being quite "Disney parent" which is the easy option but not what your child needs.

Plus - as always on mn - we only have op's word for what's being said AND how! I never assume an op is a reliable narrator. Entirely possible op is letting child do whatever they like at hers and returning to her ex's tired, cranky, confused and with poorly done homework. Then her ex has to calm child and get them back into a routine AND probably deal with earache from school. Ex may already have had numerous attempts at communicating to op about co-parenting consistently and she's just ignored it all - we certainly see that happening with male nrps. I've seen similar in real life with the few female nrps I know.

Op actually only has around 30% care.

Op you need to be a PARENT not a mischief buddy.

@MotheroftheNorth

You get your fair share in the divorce - you split the assets. Then you get maintenance for any kids. She does not need maintenance as the child does not live with her. If the difference in wealth is millions, then the argument of "used to a certain lifestyle" comes in, but unless he's a millionaire then it doesn't apply.

You didn't answer - will your fiancé be supporting the woman he left until she remarries?

Motherofthenorth what a load of utter tripe! Increasingly thinking you're up past your bedtime.

Avasarala

I agree they should have a talk about the way to raise this child however OP needs to stand firm and not let the pathetic ‘man’ tell her what to do.

OP

Before any meeting takes place tell him to ‘ give you your money’. Until he says yes you can have a good civil discussion on how to raise the child. If your ex wants a routine that you may find difficult to do tell him to pay up some more.

You really are a failure to modern women.

She is fully capable of earning her own money. They are no longer married. He has the child full time. She has all the time in the world to work without even thinking about childcare.

She needs to pay maintenance, not him. As every man is made to pay maintenance to the women raising the kids.

Again, will your fiancé be supporting the woman he left until she remarries?