AIBU to think parenting a wilful child can be really miserable?

[Hackedoffwithit]

I have namechanged so I can say what I want without reproach.

I'm so tired of parenting a wilful 7 year old DS. I have tried so many approaches, so many ways of parenting him - we have had SO many discussions about it that I can hardly bear to talk about it with DP again - and I have taken so much on board about my own personality, my failings and made huge efforts to overcome whatever I'm contributing to it... and yet...it gets us nowhere.

He's a great kid - funny, bright, emotionally really astute. But he's also utterly disrespectful to me quite a lot (far more than DP), unmovable once he wants something and if denied, can go on and on and on and on - never giving up - which is so exhausting and makes me want to shoot myself. And sometimes he's rude a lot to me, at home and out, so rude that despite taking the approach of asking him gently to 'be nice, use a nice tone,' I want to scream in his face that I'm his mum, show some respect.

Today I had enough and snapped after several things. Sent him to bed without reading. He was upset but even though he understood why, he couldn't let go of the fact that we'd denied him reading time. He's apologised but only because he really wants to read. He's still calling out about it now, 45 mins on.

When he's good, he's AMAZING. And don't get me wrong, I absolutely love him to bits.

But I find him so challenging and such hard work. It's just really upsetting. I feel stuck in treacle with it.

Raising a child that has a very different personality to yourself can be very very hard. It is not you that has failed so don't be hard on yourself. there is no failiure. You sound very insightful and empathetic. Our DNA is a result of not just our parents but a bit of everyone who has been in our lineage and most probably a bit extra just for the hell of it. We all know people with a child that is the polar opposite! Rather than look at your own personality of night be helpful to analyse his. Help him find outlets that will help calm and direct his wilfulness. However the disrespect needs to stop. There needs to be consequences (not necessarily punishment). You deserve better. X

all I can say is that my dd1 is exactly like this but has had precisely three outbursts at me in her life (shes now 18) and wouldn't dream of being horrible or mean to me. The two do not have to go hand in hand.

and I have a dd who also has a strong streak of determination, and an amazing ability to be herself and not care what others think (in a good way). She has many of the same strength of character things that I describe.
BUT she is NOT the willful bang your head against the world personality that ds is. She doesn't have outbursts, and she would die before doing/saying some of the stuff ds has said/done. She is a walk in the park to parent compared to ds.

So, gold medal to you for having a child with a different personality to all the ones described on the thread.
I am sure that that is 100% due to you parenting skills and not due to your child's personlity at all.

For those of us who do have kids like this, it is striking just how different they are and what hard work they are to parent. My posts are trying to show that these characteristics do have a positive light, and that our job is to mould these children to make that strength into a positive thing, not a negative thing.

Can I just say, loud and clear, for all those who are struggling
IT IS NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE A BAD PARENT.
(of course we can all learn news ways of dealing with our kids, and decide to do things differently and be reflective on our parenting and maybe change, that is not the same as saying you are a bad parent. You aren't.)

at 15 ds is a great kid. A really great kid, and as predicted by that lovely teacher in year 3, he has largely grown into himself.

Thanks Steppenmum, that's a really great, inspiring post to come and read this am.

What's interesting is that I was out last night and DP was in charge. Usually, this means DP has an easier time. But apparently it was much the same as it has been this week with DS, which made me feel better! And of course, i feel much better for having gone out and been social. Just made me feel like I'm not just a mum IYKWIM

Spare the rod, spoil the child.

I have one child like this, my others are lovely (well so is she but like yours, extremely wilful)

No way does ‘be nice please’ or ‘if you continue I shall sit you on the naughty step’ (because she doesn’t care if she sits there all day.

What does actually work is what you said you only say in your head OP.

‘How DARE you speak to me like that. I am YOUR MOTHER and you WILL not be so damn disrespectful’ and beloved toys or planned trips for the day gets cancelled. Harsh. But harsh parenting is the only thing for tough children.

I balance it out with loads of affection and communication. But if anyone has any better ideas I’m all ears. I feel your pain OP

Thanks Bertie.

More recently I feel like the effort we have put into being the best parents we can be is actually paying off (Definitely didn't feel like that a couple of years ago).

Agree with whoever said up thread sometimes it is okay to let them see that they have upset and made you angry. I find the same, we go our separate ways for a few minutes then he comes to say sorry and have a cuddle.

Ha, just the previous post in fact, it was Teas.

Just to say that I've printed out all these responses and there is so much wisdom and helpful stuff. Thank you all so much for sharing your stories.

Pick your battles. I know it's a cliche but focus on what you need from them for your sanity. In my case, my children can and do reach their own light switches so it is physically impossible to prevent them reading in bed unless I stood there all night. I can and do refuse to read a bedtime story if they don't get ready for bed, not be grounds that if they aren't nice to me I don't want to and I don't have to because they can read themselves. If they are upstairs and being quiet, that's a win in my book. Did have a phase where one child or another would keep coming downstairs, so we kept watching an inoffensive documentary and ignoring them. Generally after 20 min of Michael Portillo in Europe they'd be calm and head back to bed.

There's a lot in favour of them being stubborn gits - ds age 10 is effectively immune to bullying as he will just go "what do you know, anyway?" but less good when he says that to teachers. I do have a lot of sympathy for my MIL's general air of 'I couldn't get them to do anything, but luckily they seem to have turned out all right'.

Taking time in calm moments to agree on what is reasonable behaviour and explaining what privileges are has helped. Mine know that screen time on tablets or TV/Xbox etc is all dependent on reasonable behaviour and all remotes and tablets may disappear. When I've had to do that it's been a long weekend but worth it for improved behaviour after.

Pick your battles. I know it's a cliche but focus on what you need from them for your sanity

Yes, it's a daft cliche.
A battle is a battle not something you pick and choose and to be honest it's unwise to get into any battles with a child. You need consistency and to set your intention as to what will or not be acceptable.

OP YADNBU. I have a wilful 3yo. Parenting her is such hard work. Not to mention all of the helpful suggestions judgemental lack of understanding piled on top of it. I find it hard to leave the house with her.

Take time out for yourself whenever possible. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

Not talking about you OP, but I hate the posts advising about shouting in their faces or 'losing it with them or, even worse, hitting a child.
no teacher or childminder or nursery staff would ever use these techniques.
The advice child behaviour experts would give is to catch them being good and praise, praise, praise.
The best teachers are the ones who whisper at the class and have their immediate attention. It can be done. Distract and praise good behaviour, don't engage with bad behaviour.

Irritating and unhelpful posts from eg Sarky. If I'd stopped at 2 DC perhaps I'd be smug and ignorant as my first two are bloody model children TBH. Polite, thoughtful, respectful and kind. What a great mum I am.

Then along came the third, treated no differently, and my god he is just as the OP describes her DS. Kind underneath and definitely clever but wilful is putting it mildly.

We are intelligent, strong, capable and experienced parents but he is testing us.

Banal advice eg don't let him get away with it is of no use.

Thanks though to all those posting useful stuff who obviously know what they're talking about. Loads of practical and sensible advice.

Good post OP - you are not the only one!

I've been reading this intermittently all week and I just wanted to say what a comfort it has been whilst dealing with some of DS's worst moments this week. It has also made me really try and think about what is really driving his behaviour at these moments. He is logical, stubborn & with a strong (but sometimes skewed) as he is only 5) sense of fairness. Remembering this has actually defused a few situations.
I have also reminded myself that he is only like this at home. He has got some delightful children as friends, frequently gets invited back for play dates and is well behaved and conscientious at school & after school activities.

I felt a huge sense of relief when I read this post. For me, it can be an isolating experience having a wilful, stubborn child who will challenge and argue about so many things. He is affectionate, funny, creative and has other qualities that are endearing but he is such hard work. He has been a challenge since day 1. The other day he even argued with his music teacher whom he likes about where to put his fingers on a chord. He was convinced the teacher was wrong.
I am a single parent with one child so it is not that difficult to put my child's behaviour (in my head) down to bad parenting. I am not perfect and make mistakes but am not a bad parent and Hackedof withit I suspect you are doing your best and from what you have written I can empathise totally. Thanks steppemum for your comments. It is like a weight being lifted off my shoulders to be told you are not a bad parent.

As someone who went through the mill with my first, wilful as fuck, DD I just wanted to send to those still at the coalface. DD1 is now 21, she can still be wilful (to put it politely) but she is also sparky, funny, thriving at uni, and one of my best friends. They do put you through it at the time - but you will all survive. Oh and teenage years were a complete doddle after the years 0-9!!!

Confused426 - it must be really hard for you as a single parent. I totally sympathise. You must be drained!

I have often wondered what the need is to be 'right.' DS is like that. Aside from the wilfulness, if he decides he's right about something, that's it. Even if he is completely, utterly wrong and DP and I are standing there saying no etc.

I have to 'show' him. He needs proof.

It's irritating. And it's going to stop him learning - that's my fear. If you think you know everything, then you stop believing people can teach you things

I have one - she is 6.

I've found a few things helpful:
I'm careful not to get caught up in arguments. I give my reason and then ignore the attempts to change my mind.

Approaching sideways is a good idea. Anything head in ends in tears (usually mine ).

The sympathising/acknowledging approach from "how to listen ...." is very effective. When she is raging about grievances I agree how awful that must feel etc. Once she feels heard she moves quickly on.

Sympathies! I think these kids will make incredible adults - we have to be careful not to squash them. Bloody hard work though.

Totally agree with @TheClitterati 's comment:

The sympathising/acknowledging approach from "how to listen ...." is very effective

I'd forgotten how often I used that and how much it helped diffuse tantrums and battles. If DS1 wanterd to stay in the park but we had to go, I'd say, 'You want to stay don't you? You want to spend hours on the swing. I want to stay too. We can't today because... but because we love it so much let's come back tomorrow.' That sort of wrigg;e around saying 'No' worked wonders. It's a very clever technique, explained it How to Talk and also in Positive Parenting. Takes practise but it's such a stress reliever.

Yes it is a brilliant technique - as long as I remember to use it. I'm getting better and better though.

So if she is raging about an upset with a friend - "oh so and so was mean to you - well that really sucks. I'd be feeling hurt/upset too. It's not a nice feeling when we fall out with friends is it? Do you want a hug?"

rinse and repeat.

DD feels heard and understood and it seems to be the best way to get her to feel better and quickly move on - to help her uncleanch!

I really must read the rest of the book!!

Our CM suggested using a red card - visual aid. That also is brilliant - when she is raging/caught up in her own whirlwind & taking things too far I can show her a red card - she know it means stop and calm down. Sometimes I can just mention that I might need to get the red card - it seems to cut through all the nonsense in a way words can't.

I also wait her out - like someone up thread was talking about seat belts etc. Instead of arguing I will just stop and wait for her to do as she has been asked. I don't get angry or frustrated - I do't repeat myself. I just wait, reading or amusing myself on phone. Nothing at all will happen in the world until she does as she has been asked.

I have another child who is nothing at all like this.

Clitterati - such good advice, thanks. Will dig out that book. I know we have it (we have them all...). And red card - that's good.

Following as this is exactly how I feel about DS(8). He is very affectionate and loving but is also likely to blow up and shout and swear and doesn't respond to time outs or similar. He also seems to seek out opportunities to sabotage things - even things he wants to do. Today we were about to set off to catch the bus to the park to meet friends and he decided that he was going to try and make us miss it - even though he wanted to go. It is very difficult not to react when he does this as he KNOWS it winds me up. He does the same thing to his sister as she hates being late for school and he will get ready but then refuse to walk down the street until he knows we will be a bit late and she is upset. It is really upsetting for all of us.

Ah it's all been kicking off here today.

Dd2 was up late last night so fallout today guaranteed. She needs an early night every night or everyone suffers.

Hi op,

We had 6 kids and each one had their own challenges. Don’t feel like it’s just you it really isn’t

Be firm consistent and calm under pressure hsve red lines they cannot cross without severe concequences. You know your lines and you know what concequences will hit hardest ( not a pun there)

Do not negotiate you are the parent and what you say goes.

Praise praise and praise again.

Have you tried the Teddy I used this with my kids and as s Cm.

So you have a big teddy/rabbit etc. You ‘make’ him talk and he negotistes, chats, judges, mediates and tells off. It’s s brilliant way of having a ‘chat’ with kids via a third party and kids can say how they feel to teddy and so can you. It’s worth a try and often diffuses a situation.

And stop reading parenting books! Do what feels right for your family.

And never forget humour. Laugh together and tease him and let him tease you.

tortellin

You should arrange a small treat with your dd and exclude your ds. Tell him no because he spoilt the last one. Leave him with dad or a babysitter. He may think twice as you are initiating things he can’t sabotage.

Sounds harsh but it may well work. Put him back into his box