AIBU to think parenting a wilful child can be really miserable?

[Hackedoffwithit]

I have namechanged so I can say what I want without reproach.

I'm so tired of parenting a wilful 7 year old DS. I have tried so many approaches, so many ways of parenting him - we have had SO many discussions about it that I can hardly bear to talk about it with DP again - and I have taken so much on board about my own personality, my failings and made huge efforts to overcome whatever I'm contributing to it... and yet...it gets us nowhere.

He's a great kid - funny, bright, emotionally really astute. But he's also utterly disrespectful to me quite a lot (far more than DP), unmovable once he wants something and if denied, can go on and on and on and on - never giving up - which is so exhausting and makes me want to shoot myself. And sometimes he's rude a lot to me, at home and out, so rude that despite taking the approach of asking him gently to 'be nice, use a nice tone,' I want to scream in his face that I'm his mum, show some respect.

Today I had enough and snapped after several things. Sent him to bed without reading. He was upset but even though he understood why, he couldn't let go of the fact that we'd denied him reading time. He's apologised but only because he really wants to read. He's still calling out about it now, 45 mins on.

When he's good, he's AMAZING. And don't get me wrong, I absolutely love him to bits.

But I find him so challenging and such hard work. It's just really upsetting. I feel stuck in treacle with it.

Is it just me who finds the “breaking a child’s will” quite a distressing turn of phrase? I don’t want to break my children!

Bertie - was it normal?

He sounds like my DS. The constant need for attention - I guess it's all attention wanting, negative or positive - is utterly depleting.

And yet he's fiercely independent.

What a fucking mix!

KT63 - who said anything about breaking a child's will? That's the last thign I want to do

It wasn’t you, it was mentioned somewhere upthread and it really bothered me. I know it wasn’t you OP, and I’m sorry if it sounded like I did. Did you see the link I posted?

*did think it was you I was meant to write!

I think it’s possible the the people worrying about breaking a child’s will are the ones letting them away with murder. The ones that actually break a child’s will couldn’t have a shit and it would never occur to them it was a possibility.

Have a look at pathological demand avoidance. I’m not saying it is but some of the techniques given to help with pda can help with any strong willed child. It’s tough to parent. My DD is strong willed. I just keep telling myself that she will be a strong adult eek!

Forgot to mention earlier - something that weirdly worked with my DD was giving her a lot of physical freedom. As PP have said, children like this are much harder to handle if they haven't had exercise. DD knew that she was allowed control in certain environments eg the park - I've never told her not to climb a tree, jump off something etc, I've let her work it out for herself and measure her own physical capabilities. Also I never got into arguments about clothes - if she refused to get dressed I would take her to school in her pyjamas rather than lock horns with her. I really think this helped, because as well as burning off energy, she learnt a lot about choices and consequences and was more prone to listen to me the rest of the time.

I don't know! Only two people liked it and one was my dad and the other doesn't have children And a friend who had no kids at that point said it looked fun/brilliant and we had a back and forth discussion about it but nobody else weighed in.

I should be totally honest, I said no diagnosis earlier, but I am looking into getting him assessed for ADD. That's not because of this behaviour though, it's more because I have ADD and it was never picked up at school and I don't want him to have problems through secondary. His teachers etc aren't concerned and he doesn't get into serious trouble at school but they are exasperated with him always being distracted and distracting others if he's sat in the wrong pairs. I also noticed that his school books look exactly like the "before" pictures that I've seen people explaining why they put their children on medication. Just a few things which fit together, nothing in itself "bad" enough to look for a diagnosis but with the family history I'm keen to get it identified, if it's there.

DS is not that independent. He seeks attention all the time. The only things he does independently are screens and then lately reading, drawing and riding his bike. And even with all of those things, he'd prefer to do them with somebody. But despite wanting company or an audience he's not actually very good at collaborating and working out what other people want unless it's very clear cut and it fits into his agenda.

7 was pretty hellish. 9 now and largely charming and adorable. Everyone who knows him says he is a different boy. Still has his moments but then don't we all? Diagnosed ADHD but appointment today, DH taking him and we've agreed en famille to ask CAMHS to take us off the active patients list, we don't need support any more. This knowing we can go back and ask for help if we need ti down the line.

If you don't get some time to yourself, make it a priority. Doesn't matter doing what, in my opinion, it's breathing space and reminding yourself that there is more to you than being a parent.

Leaders? Really? Being rude and bad mannered makes you a leader... Oh hold on a minute (thinks of current parliament)

but it isn't the rude part that makes them a leader, and you know that , you are just being provocative.

It is the determination, the ability to stick to their guns, it is the fierce independance, the strength of will to keep on and on to get what they want.
As ds has grown up, it has translated in a single mindedness, a determination not to follow the crowd, to pursue his goals.

He was always going to be a leader. I saw my job as a parent to make him into a kind leader who is able to consider the needs of others and to use his leadership skills for the pursuit of good, rather than the pursuit of power. To respect others and to fight FOR people rather than against them.

One thing that helped us was a timetabled time (ours was friday night time, especially as ds has two younger siblings) it was our fun time, he got to say what we did, his undivided attention time, and we made sure it was never lost to a punishment. We actually used it to watch Dr Who together. It made a real difference to him.

That's great King :) It's amazing what a difference understanding how their brain works can make. I would only say to keep an extra eye out when secondary school increases in intensity/independence around GCSE time. I did fantastically at school until that stage and then I started to struggle but nobody really noticed as I'd been doing so well up until that point (and did still do well - but was getting Bs rather than As and am just a bit sad at what might have been if I'd had support right from that point where things began to slip.)

It is the determination, the ability to stick to their guns, it is the fierce independance, the strength of will to keep on and on to get what they want. As ds has grown up, it has translated in a single mindedness, a determination not to follow the crowd, to pursue his goals

all I can say is that my dd1 is exactly like this but has had precisely three outbursts at me in her life (shes now 18) and wouldn't dream of being horrible or mean to me. The two do not have to go hand in hand.

 - a medal for you @Sarkyharky
I don't think you understand any of this thread somehow.

My DS is also like this, he is 7 but has been fighting me since he was born. He didn't sleep for 18 months, had terrible times with transitions getting dressed/bedtime and so on, now argues until I'm ready to run off screaming down the road. He has anxiety and is a control freak about everything as a result. He is right about everything and thinks he doesn't need adults, he could just live by himself!

I'm so pleased to find this thread! My people! I am hoping as some of you have found that age 9/10 things will get easier. Not sure though as he has been assessed as having attachment issues. Sigh

in the park, minding him and his friends playing. And he's rude to you more than once. And rude to a friend (which really upsets me)....

If he has friends, he's not doing too bad at all.

I have a DS like this. He's just turned 10. He's a lovely boy and very well behaved at school, but once he gets something in his head, he goes on and on and on. He doesn't seem to understand that there will be consequences and when the consequences are applied it sets him off in a spiral of whinging, shouting, stropping, complaining, picking a fight basically. It can go on for HOURS. He's quite a sensitive soul and quite anxious but there is this wilfulness underneath it all, he just can't let something go.
Staying really calm is the best way, but I don't always manage it. He's also quite babyish in many ways, so doesn't seem to care about having a massive embarrassing tantrum in public.

Here to sign up, brought some . Our house has felt incredibly hard work for some time now thanks to a 7 year old boy who sounds very much like yours, OP. Riding it out with you all!

It is the determination, the ability to stick to their guns, it is the fierce independance, the strength of will to keep on and on to get what they want.
As ds has grown up, it has translated in a single mindedness, a determination not to follow the crowd, to pursue his goals

^This. Sarky is picking one isolated incident of rudeness that the OP has talked about and making out that all wilful/determined/single minded children are rude and therefore destined to become an MP. FWIW my awkward cuss of a wilful child was never rude or bad mannered, she was exemplary when with others, she just always wanted her own way all the time! It's not about breaking a childs will, it's about showing that you can't have your own way all the time, you have to consider others, you have to learn patience etc.

I'm reading this thread and finding it uncanny how many posters are apparently describing my DD.

I know why DD behaves the way that she does (she is adopted, and is constantly pushing boundaries in a desire to be in control, and she is also desperately scared of losing another set of parents and a bit of her thinks that if we leave her because of her bad behaviour then she was also in control of that by playing up IYSWIM). I know what works, how we should respond, what absolutely doesn't work.

But by golly it can be hard, draining and thankless at times.

to everyone on here

My Dd1 was Truely awful.. Wilful and often miserable and difficult and bloody joyless task parenting her.. Until the age of 12 when she woke up one day completely different. Literally overnight transitioned into a delightful teen, we became really close, and she is now early twenties and continues to be a dream daughter... God knows how or what I did but hang in there... It might happen to yours.

YANBU. My DS is also very wilful and has such determination, she he is good he is a great, he is lots younger than your son and I already feel ground down.

I do not have much advise, other than take time out for yourself, except you probably won't change him, but instead find ways to help you feel calmer, even if you need to lock yourself in a cupboard with Prosecco.

Seriously could of written this about my DD who’s almost 7. I feel your pain OP.

Ooo OP with lease don't beat yourself up. 7 year old boys are at a new challenging developmental stage. I have only read your first post. And my 8 year old can be a bit like this. But you know what? Sometimes I do scream back at him and tell him how I feel. And he gets annoyed. Stomps off. Them comes and says sorry. And I say sorry. Then we have hugs and be friends and I tell him how much I love him. It was get better I promise.

BiddydeBint I console myself with thinking that if I get this right she will be CEO of Unilever and take over the world one day.

I do think the Explosive Child idea about lagging skills can be quite useful in terms of working out how to pre plan to avoid situations. I also agree that letting them help with those plans helps. So for example, she gets really stressed when leaving the house (or changing any kind of activity) and this is in part because she is a total perfectionist. So, she packs the night before and the morning routine always has to be the same so she knows what is going on. Tomorrow she has a school trip she is very excited about so she packed and made her food herself and planned when to put sunscreen on etc while I was doing things in the kitchen. Hopefully if she can stop herself getting on DS´s back as she is worried he will make us late - (which he never does, she does, so is already annoyed about this) it will work. Wish me luck!

I also find the broken record approach useful. But those who think these children are like this because of some failure of consistency make me laugh. I am so consistent I bore myself (and DD and I have actually had a conversation about this recently and she is beginning to understand if she didn´t push so hard I wouldn´t have to hold fast so hard). It makes me think about those who cheerfully say that fussy eaters won´t starve themselves. Sorry. No. My daughter would far, far rather go to bed with no dinner than put something in her mouth that she doesn´t want to. I made a choice not to fight about food with her. It was just ugly.

She has a clarity of ideas, determination and persistence which one day will be a great asset to her.

I read in some parenting book not to take away reading time as a punishment because it can be a chance to reconnect after a difficult day.