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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents having a favourite child

202 replies

cuddly61 · 17/04/2018 22:46

So who watched morning tv with the mother who was saying she has a favourite child and made no secret of it to her other children?
It was like she was almost proud to be saying it.
I know someone who has a favourite child ,that child is now a 40 something adult but still clearly the favourite even though her mother denies having favourites but it’s crystal clear .

OP posts:

PutTheChocEggDown · 20/04/2018 19:31

I was the golden child. Sibling was a pain in the arse. I ended up having to be the perfect child which sucked. I moved far, far away from the madness and don't see much of my family at all. So sibling is now the golden child and heavily reliant on our parents for childcare and handouts. I'm free but to the wider family I am now 'the selfish one'.

This just means I live for me and my own little family now instead of dancing to their tune.

Picasso101 · 20/04/2018 19:31

That is a really good point, Hector, and I hadn’t thought of that. I tend to blame myself all the time and see myself as ‘difficult’. Because I have been told that I am difficult - even in my 40s - I asked for support with two of my children who have additional needs.

It’s helped me see a different perspective, I just wanted to say thank you.

NameChanger22 · 20/04/2018 19:38

My parents had a very clear favourite child. She got all the love, praise and attention. She also got everything she asked for materially,. As a child this was toys and bikes; as an adult it was money, cars and houses.

I'm the least favourite and it has affected my self-esteem and health a great deal. Because of this I no longer have any contact with any members of my family.

I think it is a form of emotional abuse, a very effective one.

DroningOn · 20/04/2018 19:53

An acquaintance of mine openly favours her 9yo DS over her 6yo DD. Will gush about how fab her little man is, how he's so smart/thoughtful/handsome whilst ignoring or worse still giving DD grief for nothing. She'll openly admit to DS being her preferred child. Only last week I saw him trip while running to school only for DD to get roasted for wasting time brushing her teeth and making them all late and making her brother fall. Really breaks my heart to hear it.

DeadDoorpost · 21/04/2018 12:16

Is it ok to have favourite grandparents? misses point

My youngest DB is the favourite, and I guess I'm also a favourite but that's because I actually make an effort with my mum. She called my other 2 siblings "rejects". The relationship between them is somewhat better than it used to be. But not that great.

I have to remind myself that my DM has some sort of possible mental problems. It's the only way to stop myself from being angry with her. She doesn't always mean what she says. I think. It's hard to tell sometimes.

Catsrawesome · 21/04/2018 19:22

FIL has a clear favourite; has no interested in seeing my DH more than for a couple of hours every few months. Yet sees other sibling nearly every week for the entire day as well as sleep overs. Has to drive past us to vist other sibling. We strongly suspect that DH isn’t his, and FIL and sibling ( who can’t be bothered with DH either) both know it.

LaBelleSausage · 21/04/2018 19:52

When we asked who was their favourite, my DF always used to respond with ‘which finger do you think would hurt the most if I cut it?’. DM would say ‘whoever isn’t here at the time’

Neither of my parents was the favourite child, so if they do have a favourite between my siblings and me they’re pretty subtle about it. I know for a fact DS is their favourite grandchild though, seeing as he’s the only one

Imnoth3r3 · 22/04/2018 00:27

I think anyone who says they don't have a favourite is lying through their teeth. Having a favourite doesn't mean the others are loved less, don't confuse the two.

But outwardly showing favouritism is so damaging to everyone involved. I've seen firsthand the effects on adult children (this one favourite is "adult" only in age, certainly not in any other way).

ADarkandStormyKnight · 22/04/2018 04:52

Well I don't have a favourite! My 3 are all different and have different needs and personalities but I don't prefer one over the others.

Bettyfood · 22/04/2018 05:05

I wonder how many people think their parents had a favourite child when in fact their parents were just being human. It's extremely difficult to treat two or more children with absolute consistency.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 22/04/2018 05:28

I agree, Betty.

I do try to spend time with each of mine but I can't do that equally because they are not all receptive or available to the same degree. Sometimes a child shares an interest with a parent, or gets closer because of a health issue, which makes it difficult to be 'equal'.

However, some parents do have favourites and it sucks all round.

Imabadmummy · 22/04/2018 09:41

I have a fave but it changes min to min depending on what they are doing 🤣
And somedays my nephew is the fave 😂
Both boys are so different and have amazing qualities i love spending time with them both for different reasons.

My father has a fave grandchild though (eldest, think it was because it was his 1st and the boy he always wanted - me and my sis used to joke he would treat my DH like the son he always wanted until eldest was born) and i feel bad for the others.

JustWanderingAbout · 22/04/2018 11:44

I think some of the parents on here saying it’s impossible to treat children equally etc etc are worrying unnecessarily. The point is that you are trying to treat your children equally and you don’t want them to feel that you have a favourite. The woman in question and the parents that do the real harm are the ones that dont care that they have a favourite and happily act upon it by treating one child better than others. There’s no care or concern about the impact on the other children and the other children know that. This is what does the most harm to all the children (inc. the favourite)

Also, where there’s a favourite there is often a scapegoat who is a often abused in some way. So if I saw favouritism in a family, where it’s open and acted on without attempts to stem it, id see it as an indication of very unhealthy family dynamics and I’d be on the look out for some form of abuse (usually aimed at the scapegoat).

This woman is vile coming on national tv talking about her children like that. And the presenters shouldn’t have been laughing and they should have got a psychologist on to discuss it properly.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 22/04/2018 11:56

I think that there is also an element of design about having a favourite. The parent wants the child to fulfil some need of theirs.

AuntyElle · 22/04/2018 18:59

That is so true, ADarkandStormyKnight.
And so the parent doesn’t admit to themselves or anyone what is going on. Heart-breaking to watch.

Jojobean80 · 25/04/2018 13:42

I have 4 and they all believe that they are the favourite. I don’t deny or admit to any of them. I like the idea that they all feel special in their own way. My favourite is generally the child that is the least irritating that day.

Katyb1310 · 25/04/2018 13:50

My grandparents had favourites. They preferred boys and the eldest was the favourite. I came last of the 4 of us, being the only girl, but second youngest. They also preferred my dad's brother to my dad and made no secret of that.

Letmeoff · 28/04/2018 05:51

This has made New Zealand - clearly not just the UK are outraged.

Lifeontheoceanwave · 28/04/2018 07:31

I have a favourite child who gets all my love and attention, the best birthday and Christmas presents and will always be my number one priority. He will be the only child to inherit anythingI don’t worry about the effect this has on others. Mind you he is my only one.

mrcharlie · 28/04/2018 08:11

If only parents knew how damaging favouritism is.
The knock on effect is awful to witness between siblings, the fact that relationships between grand kids will never form due to siblings not speaking due in turn to parents favouritism

The tragedy is that when parents die, the dead one will never know that their own kids didn't even turn up for their funeral, due to the anger and animosity the spiteful selfish parents had created.
Definitely a baby boomer culture - the generation that had it all - selfish bastards!!

JustDanceAddict · 28/04/2018 08:12

Whoever’s annoying me least at the time!!! They try to get me to say that they’re my favourite and I say ‘you’re my favourite son/daughter’ as have one of each. They both have their good and bad points so how can you say that you have a favourite? DS is probably more ‘charming’ but now he’s a teen he’s lost some of it to grumpiness! I think he’s MIL’s secret favourite though.

Frogletmamma · 28/04/2018 08:13

I've only got one. She know shes my favourite!

houseofhungryboys · 28/04/2018 09:02

I can honestly say I've never felt my parents have a favourite child, treat us all exactly the same (2 girls, 1 boy)
My PIL on the other hand ......my DH is his DM's favourite and his older DB is his DF's favourite, that's always the way it's been. DH has spent his whole life trying to please his DF to no avail, so sad

Majamandy · 28/04/2018 15:01

I love my children equally of course, but I like one of them a lot more than the other.

Lizzie48 · 28/04/2018 15:08

The problem is, the difference between 'like' and 'love' isn't something children can understand. I get it. DD1 has violent meltdowns, and DD2 and I have both borne the brunt of them, so it's hard not to like DD2 more than DD1 sometimes. I do love them equally, DH and I have been fighting so hard to get her the help she needs. But she accuses me of loving DD2 more than her, and I feel so guilty.

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