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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents having a favourite child

202 replies

cuddly61 · 17/04/2018 22:46

So who watched morning tv with the mother who was saying she has a favourite child and made no secret of it to her other children?
It was like she was almost proud to be saying it.
I know someone who has a favourite child ,that child is now a 40 something adult but still clearly the favourite even though her mother denies having favourites but it’s crystal clear .

OP posts:
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 18/04/2018 10:10

MIL definitely loves DH more than SIL. He's always been her golden child and it's an odd thing to watch. She also has a favourite Grandchild and treats that one differently. The others (the favoured ones siblings) have begun to recognise it over the last year or so and now refuse to spend time with her or make an effort for her - which has her crying and feeling like shit, but is entirely her own doing (fortunately my DC are probably too young/self-centred to spot it yet and by the time they're able to, those grandchildren will have left home/moved on).

I asked her why she favoured DH and she told me it was because when his Dad died, he became the man of the house, the man in her life and hasn't ever caused her any bother; DH says he spent a lot of his childhood being "a good boy" just to please her because the guilt was unbearable. It's the strangest relationship I've ever seen in real life.

I love mine in absolutely different ways but with the same amount of energy and adoration. They're 12 and 7 and in all the time they've both been here I honestly don't think I've ever had a day where one's been favoured. I've disliked them both some days, but never had favourites. It's so destructive and unkind.

SlightlyTired · 18/04/2018 10:44

MargaretCavendish - my mother does exactly that! It is infuriating. It is like she simply cannot say nice things directly to the relevant son or daughter, and can only say them about that son or daughter, to the others. So when she’s spent some time with my children, I hear constantly about how wonderful her other grandchildren are. But I know from my sisters that the same thing happens to them in reverse.

RedDwarves · 18/04/2018 10:53

I think lots of parents have a favourite. Most just won't admit to it out loud.

summermeadows · 18/04/2018 11:12

I have 5 boys and they all have their own different qualities and personalities. Some are like my personality and some like DH's but we love them all equally.

I always say my favourite is the one who is in front of me at that particular moment which always changes so of course I have 5 favourites and they know that Smile

tomhazard · 18/04/2018 11:15

I just can't understand how anyone can have a favourite child. I love different aspects of each personality and one is harder work than the other but no way do I have a favourite. Must be awful for the less favoured child in this situation.

summermeadows · 18/04/2018 11:21

@MargaretCavendish my mum does this with my children and my DB's children, always raves to me about their children and raves to them about my children but my DB and his wife have got in their head that she prefers mine Confused
They brought it up to me a few years ago but when I tried telling them she does the same to us they refused to believe me and fell out with me about it and tbh things are still quite strained between us.

ToesInWater · 18/04/2018 11:34

I have a favourite eldest son, a favourite youngest son and a favourite daughter 😊 They all know that.

TomatoChutney · 18/04/2018 11:44

Yanbu, the sun shines out of my elder bro's arse, despite getting my parents in trouble with HMRC with his dodgy tax dealings Hmm
I otoh am the scapegoat and treated like shit.

Justanotherzombie · 18/04/2018 11:47

RedDwarves, I think it’s sad you think that. But it’s not the only experience. There are particular things you love about each one that the others don’t have but I feel hugely upset at the thought of which one is more important to me than the other. I simply couldn’t choose. Even with a gun to my head.

NoIsACompleteAnswerSometimes · 18/04/2018 11:47

Yep middle child here, definitely not the favorite. It's been made very plain in many ways that GB (Golden boy) is the favoured one. Fed up with it now so I won't be helping if my parents need anything done. Harsh but there you go.

ThePencil · 18/04/2018 11:47

My PIL massively favour one of DH's sisters. They always talk about how lovely her house is, they used to watch her wedding video weekly (they may have stopped now), and they look after her DCs. Meanwhile, another sister is constantly complained about, gets next to no childcare, and they don't have a single photo of her wedding on display, let alone ever watching the video.

This has continued to the grandchildren- favourite sister's children are the favoured grandchildren. FIL has a photo of them as his phone background and another as his screensaver, with no other grandchildren featuring (there are plenty of photos of all of the GCs together, so it's not as if he hasn't got any others he can use).

It's just endless little things that show that SIL and her family are the favoured ones. DH gets annoyed but won't say anything (he's constantly trying to be accepted by them). Other SIL is much the same.

NoIsACompleteAnswerSometimes · 18/04/2018 11:48

TomatoChutney singing to the choir here!

Aeroflotgirl · 18/04/2018 11:48

It is awful, way to go messing your kids up for life with that nonsense.

Lizzie48 · 18/04/2018 12:00

My DD1 thinks DD2 is my favourite and is very jealous of her. She says, 'You don't care about me, you only care about (DD2).' This isn't true, it's just that DD1 does lash out at DD2 and so she's the one that has the consequences. It's really tricky. But she's also jealous of DD2 because she gets invited to lots of parties, whereas DD1 struggles socially. Sometimes it's perception, not the reality.

But I would never announce to the world that DD2 was my favourite, because it really isn't true, I love them both. I was really shocked and saddened by that interview, that sort of thing really hurts children. Angry

ZetaPuppis · 18/04/2018 12:12

My mum has a favourite but I’ve only realised recently. She never made it obvious and I don’t think any of us siblings felt less loved than than the others or anything.
It’s only now that I’m older and wiser that I’ve picked up on it. I’m fine with it and I can see why db is her favourite. He’s very confidant, competent and does a lot for her.
So I think it’s fine to have a favourite, if you do. It’s just not right to ignore, neglect or constantly criticise a child.

I genuinely have no favourites. I look at my wonderful children and they’re so unique and beautiful in their own way. Yes, they need different things at different times but I could never choose to be loving to one and neglect or hurt another. I can’t believe some of the stories I’ve read on this thread Sad

PsychoPumpkin · 18/04/2018 12:18

My dads favourite is my brother, my mums favourite is my sister. They both still live at home, which makes sense for my brother as he’s a teen but my sister is slightly younger than me and lives rent free, mobile contract paid for, car lease paid for, all meals paid for, free holidays and she works full time, as does her boyfriend who also stays there most of the time.

I left at 18 and have never asked for anything from them since, but the favouritism is blatant and feels like a punch in the gut.

mostdays · 18/04/2018 12:26

I have a child I find easier to parent and who I have more in common with than the others, but he's not my favourite- how could I love one of them more than the rest?
I don't think my parents had favourites, although they definitely have in their heads that I am the naughty and problematic one. I never felt less loved though.
Both sets of grandparents had very, very clear and obvious favourites. Weird way to live.

Bremusa · 18/04/2018 14:08

@ADarkandStormyKnight thank you, you're very kind Smile

QuizzlyBear · 18/04/2018 14:51

My 'favourite' changes daily according to their behaviour, but I do have one child that I get on best with / am closest to.

This is just because we have loads of interests in common and the same sense of humour (tbh he is a little mini-me), whereas my eldest is a bit spikier and we have less to talk about. I still love them the same amount and value my eldest's achievements as much as my youngest, but yes - one is easier than the other!

LaurieMarlow · 18/04/2018 15:24

I think lots of parents have a favourite. Most just won't admit to it out loud.

I think it's even more than this. The don't consciously recognise it.

All these threads are the same. Parents swear blind they have no favourites. Children see it very differently.

MargaretCavendish · 18/04/2018 15:43

@summermeadows I'm sorry to hear that but I think it's quite common. Quite often when a parent constantly brings up the other grandchildren it isn't actually that they favour them, but that they want to dominate the conversation - and they can be 'the authority' on their other grandchildren, but not the ones whose parent they're talking to.

LittleLionMansMummy · 18/04/2018 15:45

I have a favourite girl and a favourite boy. Each of them knows I love them with all of my heart and that love multiplies it doesn't divide. I didn't understand that when I just had one, and spent my pregnancy with my second worrying that I couldn't love another as much. My favourite is simply whoever is behaving better on a given day Grin

MargaretCavendish · 18/04/2018 15:46

Parents swear blind they have no favourites. Children see it very differently.

In general I think that's a really fascinating thing to watch on Mumsnet - people give themselves and other parents of their generation a lot of sympathy and understanding for not being perfect parents ('you're doing your best, and that's all that will matter to your children') while often seeming to completely fail to extend that to their own parents, all of whose faults are seen as deliberate cruelties rather than the products of those parents being flawed and imperfect people.

Picasso101 · 18/04/2018 15:55

Yes, I can see that, but once those children have grown up and left home, then what is the excuse for obvious favouritism?

SendintheArdwolves · 18/04/2018 15:56

All these threads are the same. Parents swear blind they have no favourites. Children see it very differently

Ha, I was just about to say the same thing!

Admitting you have a favourite child (even to yourself) is such a taboo, all parents deny that the idea is even POSSIBLE - "I love all my children the same, can't imagine it any other way, etc etc". And yet many people with siblings can clearly see that one was favoured over the other.

I have tried asking my own parents about the differences in the way me and my sibling were treated, and I got the usual "You were different people who needed different things" nonsense. Apparently, even as a two-year-old I was "very independent" and therefore didn't need much parental input Hmm My mother has also described me as "harder to love" than my sibling, which seems like on of those self-fulfilling prophecies...

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