Parents having a favourite child

[cuddly61]

So who watched morning tv with the mother who was saying she has a favourite child and made no secret of it to her other children?
It was like she was almost proud to be saying it.
I know someone who has a favourite child ,that child is now a 40 something adult but still clearly the favourite even though her mother denies having favourites but it’s crystal clear .

I'm the favorite, but then I am an only child. Does that also make me the most hated? Haha

If you have more than one, you shouldn't show your favourites but I imagine it could happen quite easily

Oh my sister was the favourite child most definitely. Her nickname growing up was The Angel. So much so that when she emigrated for work in her early twenties, so did they and didn't bother to tell me. They live on the next street from her. I have three children, two of which they don't know exist, and a grandchild too. Over 18 years later and I'm still waiting for them to let me know they've left the country to live thousands of miles away.

ADarkandStormyKnight none of which you posted alters the fact that as individuals we, including children, have different personalities. We are drawn to some people over others because of their characteristics. Children included. Some people, children included, are just difficult,

Favourites are a bit of a thing in my family. My mum has always been open about ‘softer spot’ for the younger of my brothers. She cleaning this is because he is a middle child (as is she) and she always ‘feels’ more for an ‘underdog’ (he was a little slow developing as a small child). Within my extended family, meanwhile, my eldest brother and eldest cousin are definitely favoured. A mutual aunt and uncle make no secret of this, despite neither my eldest brother nor cousin ever making contact with them. All we ever hear, though, is how great they are, and now, how wonderful their children are.

Growing up, I really struggled, as I was no ody’s favourite and spent years trying to be ultra good, hard working, successful etc, but ibciously, it never changed anything.

Now I have my own children, I really don’t understand how people can have favourites. Sure, one can be going through an easier stage, or having a better day, but I adore both my boys equally, and admire and respect their individuality.

my favourite child is always the one that happens to be the least irritating one at any given time
I think this is how MIL saw it, thing is dh was consistently the least irritating and that has continued through to adulthood, he was an easy baby, healthy, nothing was a problem to him - at school - clever, hard-working, successful and I suspect being a male helped.

My Dm said she preferred boys, which I wasn't. So got on better with my DBs.
Now looking back I can see she had a better relationship towards her DF and didn't seem to get on with her DM very well, though nothing was actually said. So I think that could explain her attitude. She was close to her DF - preferred boys.
If you look back OP there is probably something in her past, maybe an older sister who was the favourite, or parents who had favourites. Which means it is not that there is anything wrong with you, or better about your siblings, but history, or a version of it, repeating itself.

It's always interesting in these discussions that so few of the people who say there's a favourite child in the family think it's them/their DP. Sometimes I think you can end up with a situation where everyone thinks someone else is favoured. My mum and my aunt had this a bit with their mum - they both would have sworn that the other one was favoured, but it was obvious from the outside that she criticised both of them to their faces by praising the other one behind their back, so they both had the sense that the other was always being praised but they never were.

I don't have favourites out of my 4 DC. However my youngest is autistic and I worry a lot it might seem as though I favour him because he is more demanding of my attention. I explain the my other three and try my best to make sure I spend enough time with them too.

My brother was my grandparents favourite growing up. He always got me in trouble lying to them about me and they always believed him! I was not damaged in the slightest though, because as I say to my brother even now, my brother was my favourite too! He had a crap time with actual parent and step parent, so even when I was young, I understood how important it was for him to feel loved by our grandparents.

I found out years down the line, that my step mother referred to me as my dad's 'golden girl that can't do anything wrong'. So I guess I was his favourite. My dad and step mum always went on about how smart I was and how far I would go etc. Instead I got pregnant at 18, married and went in to have a total of 4dc. The disappointment was real! Needless to say, I am NC with step mother but see my dad maybe once a month.

These are the birthday cards I got from my (adult) children this year

Growing up...my mother always treated me and my two siblings equally.

I never understand why parents would favour one child over the other.

A few years back I dated a single mother for a short time who had two children. It was plain to see she clearly favoured her son over her daughter. She kept telling me how her son was her baby and pride and joy and I responded once by asking "What about your daughter? She's your baby too?" Let's just say her response made me lose any respect I had for her.

My grandparents quite blatantly favoured my DM's youngest sister. They referred to her as the 'baby of the family' well into her 50's which is very odd IMO. She's grown into a very self absorbed, entitled adult who think she's the centre of the universe, but us ultimately I think an unhappy person because she can't handle things not going her way all the time. She's.

She's repeated the favoured child scenario with her own children, and is quite unpleasant to her daughter. Whereas the other siblings all worked hard not to have favourites amongst their kids.

I love both DC unconditionally and with a visceral intensity.

However, they have different emotional and material needs from me as a mother, which might seem to be favouring one over the other at certain times or at different stages of their lives.
One example is Summer activities, a hot topic at the moment. One says: “I never got to do “x” when I was that age!” and the other says: “How come I’m not doing “y” this Summer?”. I just answer “To each according to his needs!”

I wasn’t the favourite of the sibs (DB2 was EVERYBODY’S favourite and is still lovely, very charismatic, too) but I did have the benefits of being the youngest and parents having more money. Maybe that’s what gives me a more balanced outlook with my own DC.

At a close family members funeral I sat next to my aunt to try to get to know her a bit because I'd been picking up some 'vibes'. She picked up her plate, went to sit with my brother and announced that he was her Favourite Nephew. .

I tell each of my DC they are my favourites - they understand this means they are all unique and loved especially for themselves.

I couldn't imagine singling one child out above the others. Imo it is emotionally abusive.

My brother is the favourite. I call him golden boy. Like monica and ross on friends we joke about it and I say "I wish I had your parents".
Not really funny though. It's caused me a lot of issues over the yrs.

I think favouritism is never on. It's really unhealthy and corrosive, and does long-term damage to the self-esteem of the scapegoated child, while often placing the golden child in an invidious position. I am concerned by the number of people who seem to think it's OK to say a child is your favourite if they aren't being 'difficult'. That's how a persistent dynamic can start - the other child begins to act up precisely because they feel rejected and less loved.

I grew up with a mother who not only had favourites, but who told me that if she were to face Sophie's Choice, she'd always choose my sister, because she was younger, sweeter and more vulnerable. Guess what? I became tougher as a result. Alongside controlling behaviour, and being told 'I wish you'd never been born' every other day, it had a really long term effect on my sense of self worth. The other thing it has given me is a kind of radar. I can tell, fairly soon on meeting people, whether they come from a family in which they were 'well loved'. It's a kind of privilege of which people are completely unconscious when they have it!

My mother had a favourite child, my younger brother and was very open about it. She would call him the milky bar kid and be so adoring it would shock other people.
He is a shocker of a person now and it has done nothing for him in the long run. No friends and very d titled, constantly depressed because of the lack of adulation.
I have suffered also with a lack of self esteem but have a hugely happy life now with lots of friends. Although I still feel valued by my family and have a very poor relationship with my parents.
It crucifies the other child, it is a terrible painful thing to know that you are not as loveable, that no matter what you do it will never be good enough.

Although I still feel I am NOT valued by my family

Bremusa holy shit. So they genuinely just up and left one day, moved country and haven't contacted you since? Did you see much of them before that? How absolutely mad. Awful for you

My brother was slightly favoured by our mother and my sister is favoured by our father. My sister was adopted by my parents and my dad feels sad for her so all her life he's made an extra effort with her, the rest of us understand and aren't bothered.

The worst I've seen is in my ex's family, his brother was definitely favoured and still is as an adult. The dad handed him a credit card to use and the dad would pay it off. Exh never got to do anything with them without the brother agreeing first. The brothers child is very obviously the favourite grandchild too.
It's really sad to see and was part of the reason he is now my exh, I still feel sorry for him and wish he had the balls to go NC, his life would be so much better.

It put him off having another child as he really believed he would become like his parents and have a favourite, so he just has our Ds.

I agree with your last comment, pig. People who feel that it's safe to be themselves and to make mistakes while they are growing up are far more confident/ secure.

I know someone who for certain has a favourite grandchild.The firstborn boy and it is so obvious in every conversation,even her Xmas cards are full of news of his sporting /academic success. I feel really sorry for his sister who barely gets a mention,or if she does its usually critical.Rather sad,and I don't enjoy our meet ups particularly I've just realised.

legally*

What about bizarre post!! Surely when a child has been born with disabilities our severe disabilities... Anything to do with favourites goes out the window! I had sibling with disabilities who needed dm more it never occurred to me our sibling to be jealous of this. How absurd.

@BiddydeBint, Yes they just went. Ironically the last time I spoke to my dad late 1999 we had a huge row because of the favouritism towards my sister and we had a fall out, nobody speaking. Never saw them again. Eldest dd, when she was 16, tried to find them because she wanted to know why they had just dumped her too but couldn't find them, and I discovered they had emigrated, I think in 2002. As you can imagine there is a complicated back story that will take too long to go into here, but I can totally relate to pigmcpigface's post.

I'm nearly 50 now and although I spent a long time feeling totally rejected, hurt and unloved, these days I couldn't give a shiny shit and never give them a thought. I've created a lovely, close-knit family of my own who all love and respect each other immeasurably, and that's good enough for me.

Bremusa, and well done on moving past all that. Shocking. I wish there was an emoji to celebrate toxic family survival stories!