Parents having a favourite child

[cuddly61]

So who watched morning tv with the mother who was saying she has a favourite child and made no secret of it to her other children?
It was like she was almost proud to be saying it.
I know someone who has a favourite child ,that child is now a 40 something adult but still clearly the favourite even though her mother denies having favourites but it’s crystal clear .

I have a friend who is one of six. Her father died when she was young and her mother told her she was the favourite. When her mum died and the siblings got together it turned out that the mother had said this to each sibling from a very early age and added the caveat of 'don't tell the others'. She was very slightly disappointed but found it very endearing that her mother cared so much equally.

Doesn’t this usually happen in families where one (or both) parents are narcissistic? The golden child tends to do very badly in adult life and often becomes narcissistic too. Where there’s a favourite there’s often also a scapegoat. Scapegoats may give up on themselves or become over achievers. Everythings on a spectrum tho so a little bit of favouritism now and then is very different to the extreme version which would likely be abusive and certainly an unhealthy family dynamic.

My sister is the favourite and I am definitely not. (There are 5 of us). It hurts a lot - without going into detail - and it spills over into how my mum relates to my children (she doesn’t).
But overall I have the better deal, I’ve made my own adult life, my sister is still entwined with my mum.

Dreadful woman.

My not so DSis is parents' favourite and she's just scammed them out of a portion of their land back home. I don't give a shiny shit, because they colluded with her to sign paperwork but it appears they didn't really know what they were signing. I refuse to listen to whinging about it. Not my problem.

Because of them playing favourites I vowed when I had DCs to never have favourites. I have 2 DCs and I love all the things about them that are different, all that are the same. We have a lovely relationship.

I find other people sometimes talk nonsense "oh you MUST have a favourite, every parent does." I shut down that talk immediately, and if it's around my DCs I give a rude answer which ends the conversation.

It's horrible when your parents can't "see" their children, for the sake of one. I hope Sis has sorted out their nursing home, because I won't be. Its doubtful she will, because she's as selfish as they've raised her to be. Tough luck for them...

I’m really close with my mum, speak to her every day, see her every week, am here for her etc
She favours my brother who sees her once in a blue moon and ignores her calls for weeks.
He’s a complete twat and when she says ‘oh I just wish you two could get along, he’s just under a lot of stress’ I feel like running far away from the both of them

My parents especially my father has always preferred DS and it's awful as she could do no wrong when growing up and still can't. She has always had everything handed to her where as I have always had to work for everything I needed from when I was a young teen. And she doesn't even have time for them now they are ageing. And it is me who runs around after them. She's ever so entitled.

It really hurts, more so now that I have my own kids as I don't know how a parent can favour one child over another. And it runs through and shows in the grandchildren.

They're were six of us. My mother used to say that her favorite was whichever one she was with at the time. And, whichever one she was with, she gave her undivided attention and love to, so I think she was telling the truth.

I can’t believe that woman went on TV and said those things? Why do it?

My parents had a clear favourite and it wasn’t me. All of them are dead now so I don’t have to put up with it anymore but it does make you feel really shit, and never quite good enough. I still struggle massively with self esteem issues.

I will never let any of my DC feel like that ever.

Is your AIBU that she has a favourite or that she admitted it on TV?

My mum has always had a favourite (not me) and openly admits it, but I actually don't mind this. It would be way worse for her to have a favourite, and deny it. I would feel a bit patronised (like she thinks I'm so dumb I wouldn't notice), or frustrated.

As it is, I may not have my mums full affection but at least I have the recognition of that fact by the rest of the family. Which sounds silly but it's something.

Not having a favourite would be ideal, but if you do have one, you can't help it. The way I see it, you like who you like. I think it's better to admit it (on some occasions, not talking about it all the time and maybe not on TV, admittedly).

I could understand a parent having a favourite - perhaps these things can't always be helped. But the DC should never be aware of it. As pp have said it does the favoured DC more harm than good, and can damage relationships, esteem etc for the other DC.

It's odd, though - in many cases where there is a DC who is the clear favourite they seem to have far worse (often toxic) personalities. Mostly from anecdotal accounts on MN, but this holds true for the two examples I know personally. I wonder whether it's a chicken and egg scenario - whether they're worse because of their parents' relationship with them, or whether the parents just become accustomed to picking up after them and go out of their way not to acknowledge harmful behaviour.

DB was my parents favourite. It was weird because I ended up going into this “trying to win them over” phase for years, we were very close for a while but it ended abruptly when I forced the issue that DB had molested my sister and me. I am not sure if he is there favourite anymore but every reaction they had to finding out what a monster DB fit with their ultimate favouritism of home and destroyed my relationship with them for good. Playing favourites is a very dangerous game IME.

in many cases where there is a DC who is the clear favourite they seem to have far worse (often toxic) personalities sorry I had pasted that but it never stuck, obviously I agree.

A boss of mine (one of 3 brothers) once referred to himself as 'Son No 2' to his DB. I said, "I thought you were the eldest?". Then he told me that his parents had favourites and he was the second favourite, hence Son No. 2. They all found it hilarious, though. Even Son No. 3.

My PIL have a clear favourite. And sadly they also favour her DC over the other siblings' DC. Even my DC have noticed, which is a bit sad.

...in many cases where there is a DC who is the clear favourite they seem to have far worse (often toxic) personalities.

I've noticed that IRL too.

..in many cases where there is a DC who is the clear favourite they seem to have far worse (often toxic) personalities

In the three adult cases of favourites that I know of, it's the exact opposite - the favourite child is charming, kind and really nice.

I'm not one, by the way

I have an 8 year gap between mine.

Dd is 7 and ds is 15.

Dd always asks if I have a favourite because she loves it when I say that I have a favourite boy and a favourite girl.

I can obviously only say this as i have the two of them of either sex.

I'm the only girl and eldest of 3, my mum has always seemed to favour my brothers.

I have always been a "daddy's girl" and still am at 40.
We are much more alike, have loads in common and I think he sensed the lack of closeness between me and my mum.

My ex sil's toxic mother would openly tell her that her younger sister was the favourite. And she meant it. They are NC now.

I think it's often obvious when people have favourites and it can be very damaging to all involved and has long lasting consequences.

My brother has always been my mums favourite although I got more cuddles than him being a girl.
But she denies he is her favourite. But at school she would brag about how well he did but me she said she was ashamed at my parents evening as my teachers would all laugh when they said I was their daughter .and say they liked me but I would sit still in class etc .
And one teacher said they should give me more good hidings ,mum wasn’t pleased as a posh girls mother was stood behind and mum felt ashamed .
So I get married have children of my own and say to my mum when my brother has children please don’t favour them over my children she said she didn’t favour my brother .
But when he did have a family it started the favouritism ,photos of them on display in her room but non of my children.
Now twenty odd years later it’s still going on ,she has her grand daughters graduation photo proudly displayed yet my sons wedding photo he gave them I found had been put in a drawer.
Then I found out about a couple of years ago she had actually left her jewrley to my brothers eldest daughter with the excuse I had said a few years before I didn’t like Jewlry .it would had been nice if she had just asked me would I like her to leave me her Jewrly.excuse my spelling .
Most daughters treasure their mother jewrly after they have passed over . Most mothers leave it to their daughters . Not my mum .
I only found out after my aunt died she had no children so left her jewrly to me I had told my mum she could have anything she wanted as my aunt had been her identical twin sister mum choose a ring she said was I sure so to make her feel better I joked I would get it back eventually anyway ,then she went opps I asked what did she mean then she told me.she says she has now changed it in her will so her jewrly goes to me. But as I said to her when she told me ok so I know you said you left all your grand children the same amount of money so have you left them all something extra like my brothers eldest child she said no.
So she has a favourite grand child golden child of golden son.
I wouldn’t had normally said anything to my mum it’s her business who she leaves things to but I was so hurt that she seemed to favour my brothers daughter just like she does my brother.
Then I happened to mention where had her gold sovereign gone out of her china cabinet she said she gave it to my brothers eldest daughter years ago and my aunt had given his other daughter her gold sovereign.
So when I saw that woman this morning on tv I thought she don’t realise that her other children may not bother now they to young to really understand but as they get older it can affect them for the rest of their lives.

I didn’t see the woman. However, I would want to rip her head off. How dare she state on television one of her children is her favourite. Toxic toxic.

I was totally not my mother’s favourite, my brother was. Sometimes I felt I was my father’s but it wasn’t cut and dried. He was largely absent due to working ridiculously long hours and he lived vicariously through my brother. He also died when I was a teen. So in fact there was no advantage to perhaps being my father’s favourite some of the time. Only caveats.

Greenyogagirl, ‘oh I just wish you two could get along’

I know this one so well. It took me until my mid 40’s to go nc with my violent and abusive brother. She let him abuse me emotionally and physically. Even when the abuse included him sexually denigrating me and straying into sexual abuse. She was also abusive.

I only learnt about unconditional love after the birth of my child. I can only imagine how screwed up people must be to be such narcissists as to allow a family - my family - to be so terribly disfunctional.

You know what confuses me the most about this - how can it not change?

I mean, I have two teenage girls, and one of them is the reason I'm awake unable to sleep at 4.30am. So, I could understand that at the end of your tether someone in my shoes could say "well, obviously, non-problematic DD is my favourite"

But next week it'll change. The one that has me awake tonight will give me an unsolicited hug, or randomly make me a drink, or tell a story that she remembers from being a kid that shows how happy she was.

How do these people have one favourite and stick to it? It's fucking baffling.

And to go on tv and say it... that's just hideous.

She was paid a hefty sum to do a shitty article for the daily fail. In a Facebook group called 'feature me UK' it's where the Sun/Daily Fail and other shit rags find their sad faces people for features (I did a feature on preemie babies a long time ago). They were paying £350 for someone to come forward and admit they had a favourite and she was the only one who replied. She's also been ripped apart in said group and the 'journalist' has been getting hate mail for suggesting the topic in the first place. The mother has no shame & is trying to defend herself against the social media vitriol with further examples of favouring her youngest 2

My brother was my mother's favourite. It got so bad in our teens that people started having a word with her - she then used to complain to me about that! Later she confided that her second husband didn't like her son but that it was because he was 'jealous'. When my brother behaved badly she excused and appeased him, often blaming his wife or other people, or saying he was depressed.

Sadly my brother was very messed up by this and expects both devotion and compliance from people who are close to him and if that isn't forthcoming will seek to have the advantage over them in another way. He has become a nasty bully.

£350 seems a poor bargain for screwing up your kids

Hate to say it, but I’m fairly sure I have a favourite out of my three. I can’t help it.

The task, for me, is to be aware of that and make sure it’s not obvious. I’ll try my best.

I’m with whoever said they have a favourite but it changes on who is being less annoying that day

I have a friend who has two boys. She definitely prefers one to the other (although in fairness I don’t see her treat them differently). The funny thing is the one she favours less is very like her!

In these discussions, there are always parents who swear blind they have no favourite, or if they have you'd never know. Yet there are also plenty of people who say their parents definitely have or had a favourite.