To be absolutely sick of being a mum

[Anonmcnon]

I’m sick of the defiance, the not doing things until the 20th request, the constant noise and bickering, the meltdowns over homework, the joyless drudgery of keeping the house tidy/clean only for it to be messed up almost immediately.

I’m sick of the pressures from school, the endless worry about kids not doing well enough, the guilt that i’m not doing enough work at home with them. The guilt that i’m doing too much with them and ruining their childhood.
The guilt that i’m too unmotivated to play with them, read to them etc.
The constant grinding guilt of failing them as all i do is shout and moan.

If i’d known it would be like this i would have known my limitations and stayed childless.
I’m tired of reading parenting books and not finding any solutions.
Can anyone relate to feeling like a completely useless parent?

Two turning points for me have been reading toddler calm when my oldest was 4 (lol, it actually helps with adults too!) And solution based therapy to deal with other shit in my life as usually losing my rag with the kids over the gazillion things you can lose your rag over, wasn't usually anything to do with the kids but other frustrations and stresses. I think the hardest part of being a parent is how intense it is. Big hugs to everyone struggling. Focus on solutions. X

I say this with the greatest respect, but those posters who are saying we should be happy, because they cant have children or have had losses, please consider if this is really the right thread for you. I’m vey sorry for you and your situation, but please consider the consequences of your comments.

Maternal mental health is a big issue, and it is really not helped by people shutting us down when we try to discuss it. ‚‘be grateful you have a baby‘ is what the doctor said to me when I was near suicidal with PND. IT took YEARS to get the right help after that.

Thank you.

Yep.

If I’d know then what I know now, I’d not have children

Tantrums, autism, undiagnosed metal health problems, drugs, drink, schools, pta mums with too much time on their hands, school mums thinking you’ll have lifelong connections with them when really, you’d never have them as a friend in the first place ... bills, bills, bills, mess, noise, shit shit shit.

But it gets better. Girlie turned a corner at 17. She left school as a failure but is morally fab. She saved a friend from a sexual preditor who went to prison. She got herself an apprenticeship and qualifications which led to a full time job. She moved into her own place this year.

Laddo is going through problems and at 15, was ousted from school. Dealing with it day to day but staying positive.

I’m lucky to have a term time job that gives me 13 weeks holiday a year.

I’ve come to the conclusion that life as you know it today, might not be like that tomorrow. You gotta look for the good instead of dwelling on the bad, even when the good is hard to find. And you gotta do things for you.

Within the next two years, Laddo will be looking at college, apprenticeships and jobs, then he too will be moving on to his own place. And then my time and my life will be my own completely.

Can’t wait!

Thank god for posts like this that make you realise you are not a hideous human being for having what feels must be truly awful, immaterial and unnatural thoughts....when clearly they are normal and usual! Time away did yourself is so important, just hit always easy to find! Hope your day has been a better one OP xxx

You could always have them adopted.

Typos = aaarghhh! Sorry x

For me I don’t even mind the relentlessness of it but my body seems Not able to physically cope with childcare. Horrible as it sounds, I’m constantly sick when I look after my kids.
I had to go back to work and get a nanny as it’s so much easier but this post is timely as my nanny is away I’ve been with the kids for most of three weeks and i’m snivelling, constantly taking pain killers, sore mouth throat and insomnia, non stop splitting headache and pains everywhere seems to be my lot since having my one yr old and four yr!

For me I don’t even mind the relentlessness of it but my body seems Not able to physically cope with childcare.

My back and knees have not been the same since having DS - I'm only 32! I think it's the constantly being on the go plus sleep deprivation for me.

Also meaning to add they are lovely and fairly well behaved kids but just being at that age and all the physicality of it is so hard.

OP, I find your honesty refreshing and I am sorry you are not enjoying being a Mum. I reckon this is something many Mums feel but it's almost taboo to speak those words. It IS relentless, from day one. Mine are teenagers/young adults now and I sometimes wonder what parenting is all about and what all these years have been all about. I have aged considerably, I have had to put their lives before mine, I have had to work whilst bringing them up. It's been hard slog with cute moments in between but the worry, irritability, effort (make that daily grind) etc, etc, etc has aged me both physically and mentally. Mine don't require as much of me now as they do their own thing and show little gratitude. They make a mess, they argue and they cost money. They all have plans and none of them involve me.

Oh I love them but I DO remember when I had three under fives a Yummy Mummy at a child-play group was telling her pregnant friend "It's hard work but when they first smile at you it makes it all OK" I thought then, yes, heart melting moment when they smile and you'd alk over hot coals to defend them if needs be, but after the smiles are the wails, shitty nappies, demands, sickness and having to do everything, forever, with kids in tow. The odd break makes little difference.
I think most of us grin and bear it. We have not been helped by social media and parents enthusing publicly about how wonderful and brilliant their kids are and how much they are doing with them. We all know behind that front door they are sighing, moaning and completely knackered just like the rest of us.
Yes, I love my children but there have been so many times when I wondered why I went into this voluntarily and would I do it again if I could turn the clock back. My 3 siblings in their 40s never had children, they chose to be childless and are great uncles and aunties but boy how I envy them their freedom and lifestyles every time they wave goodbye after a visit. My children will be off my hands soon, doing their own thing and I can untie the apron strings. We'll remain friends, we have no major fallings out but I don't feel any real sense of achievement in raising them. Oh and I still worry myself sick over things in their lives that cause difficulty, times when they are out alone and their relationships with the opposite sex, and their heartbreaks. I am Mum's taxi and still half of the Bank of Mum and Dad.
I think our hormones con us into imagining we are going to be Earth Mothers when babies come along. The reality is hard slog, lots of mess, exhaustion, and lots of effort to make the pleasant fun bits pleasant and fun.

A wise lady once told me “self care isn’t selfish”.. you’ll be a better mum, friendly ,daughter , employee if you start focusing on you a bit too. Take a break minus kids if possible, read a book, go to the gym, find something that you enjoy and do it for you. (This isn’t easy btw but totally worth it) Parenting is a hard job but totally agree that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Time to prioritise yourself too

I, too, could have written that post nearly word for word, op. I actually cried a few tears in the first page just realising that I'm not alone in how I feel! I'm a stay at home mum and have been for 4.5 years. I have a 4.5 year old and a nearly 2 year old. I find it so hard, particularly all the different things to feel guilt about. I worry that my shouting at them will lead to issues further along the line in their lives... But I just get so frustrated at the amount of times i have to repeat myself, it drives me crackers! Then I look at them and remember how little they are, that's the worst of the guilt for me.

I have 1 hour a week where I do something out of the house on my own (I only started last week), but everyone giving the advice of looking after yourself and taking time out is so right. I'm (somehow) going to have to find more opportunities to take a step back.

Somehow it's comforting just to know you aren't alone in how you feel. I honestly didn't know that there were so many others feeling the same!

& for all!

This is how I feel all the time right now. Got 2 stepkids and one of my own. And I’m 12 weeks pregnant and wondering “why?”

And I don’t have the most supportive husband - he would say he is, he tries to be, but he doesn’t get it and just calls me over sensitive and dramatic.

I’m depressed though (prenatal depression?) so my doctors are trying to help me. I hope they succeed coz this sucks!

My first husband couldn't have children. Too old for any with my second but I have a step-daughter I've adored since day one. She came to live with us when she was 15 and I was always sorry that I had missed her early years. Since reading this thread not any more. I think I've had a lucky escape!

I don’t think your post could have resonated any more clearly with me OP!! I read it, exclaimed a loud,”fuck me!!” & then read it to my DH - to which he asked, “did you write that?” I know EXACTLY how you feel. Utterly joyless!! I hope things improve. I can’t be arsed with reading the comments that you’re just having a bad day. Nope not a day - it’s a bad situation!!! Chin up my dear - you are most certainly not alone!! X

Today, I feel you OP... I'm having a bad day too. My 16yr old high functioning A.S.D son is an expert in applied psychology, when I don't give in to his demands, he inflicts me with 4-6 hour sessions of intense and relentless interrogation, takes every single word I respond with, analysis it and manually files it in his evil genius computer brain to manipulate/ emotionally crush me with at any point for the rest of my life. He remembers everything, every word, every blink, every twitch of the eye or stutter...its exhausting and very difficult not to take it personally..... The cleaning, driving and cooking is almost a relief sometimes......
You are not BU.... we all feel like this sometimes, under-appreciated, guilty and anxious. Just like any job I suppose but we don't get paid or union representation..... I wish I could call in ACAS sometimes.....

Chin up- pour a whisky and remember that as soon as they hit 13 they become experts in bloody everything anyway so it doesn't really matter what we worry about...just feed them, cuddle them( if they let you), keep them warm and safe, wake them up in the morning and hope for the best love.

In Solidarity too

Mine are 12, 10, 9 and 7, and we both work full time with regular trips overseas for work. This year it has started getting easier. There is still relentless bickering, the beginnings of teenage angst, and a house that is utter chaos, but as they are getting a bit less dependent, I'm not feeling as overwhelmed by it all. There is hope.

Yep, totally get this. I mean, I probably wouldn't send them back but at times it is joyless, thankless shit with a big side helping of guilt that it is shit, that I'm being shit (and shouty, and nagging) and why can't I make it not shit? I love them soooo much but by god it's hard.

Realised that I haven't had alone time for nearly 4 years straight. I fantasize about disappearing for a weekend with just a book.

Flossie4 ...yep that is probably my future....

I wanted to write a post like this a couple of days but thought no one would understand. Mine are 18 and 12 and last week I told my hisbamd that I wanted to leave them all. I didn’t leave but I really felt like it - they can be so lazy, whiny, thoughtless and a bit disgusting at times and then I feel like a moany, irrational, unappreciated old witch. I feel like I am in a long stretch where I give and give and get nothing back. Some days I can’t remember what it is all for. I feel less awful knowing I am not the only one.

100% with you... Mine are 11, 4, 2 and one in the oven (WTF HAVE I DONE!?! 😂 😢)
Eldest is always creating an argument, with my, DH, siblings... Anyone really! Middle is highly sensitive/emotional and gets very tired after school, making it all worse. Youngest is in terrible twos, currently potty training (weeing on the floor) and fighting his sisters.
Getting the eldest to read is nearly impossible (getting letters home) and the latest, letters home about her not going to the SATs meetings. It's not school time, if she doesn't want to go I'm not forcing her!
As for the house... Think I need a grenade and start again from scratch.

I could have written this. Mine are 10, 8 and 8.

**Thank god for posts like this that make you realise you are not a hideous human being for having what feels must be truly awful, immaterial and unnatural thoughts....when clearly they are normal and usual!

This .... i said to my husband yesterday ‘ I am so jaded with all this Mum crap’ when my 12year old was being a nightmare,

But then I look at how awesome my 20 year old is and it makes me soooo happy 😆

The good outweighs the bad over the long term but it’s so hard

I can understand,i have got 3 boys 7,5 and 3 hand full mummy .i feel horrible sometimes specially when they fight and complain ,its demands so much patience...😒

OMgafourth
It’s seems my story,,,