To be absolutely sick of being a mum

[Anonmcnon]

I’m sick of the defiance, the not doing things until the 20th request, the constant noise and bickering, the meltdowns over homework, the joyless drudgery of keeping the house tidy/clean only for it to be messed up almost immediately.

I’m sick of the pressures from school, the endless worry about kids not doing well enough, the guilt that i’m not doing enough work at home with them. The guilt that i’m doing too much with them and ruining their childhood.
The guilt that i’m too unmotivated to play with them, read to them etc.
The constant grinding guilt of failing them as all i do is shout and moan.

If i’d known it would be like this i would have known my limitations and stayed childless.
I’m tired of reading parenting books and not finding any solutions.
Can anyone relate to feeling like a completely useless parent?

Feel like crying reading your post. My kids are 16 and 19 and I brought them up on my own whilst working full time. Weekends were lost to housework and washing whilst trying to fit a Saturday treat in. It's been never ending, but it really does get much easier as they get older. Not so hot on the cuddles and adoration though sadly. I thought all their wee lives that there was something wrong with me as it just did not come naturally to me especially before my divorce. Do you have a friend to support you? Sounds like you need to let off steam. I'm sure you're doing brilliantly

Mine are 9 and 7. Best advice my mum gave me was “pick your battles”.
The one I chose is speaking to me with respect. I have zero tolerance for any backchat. It also means no arguing when I ask them to do something. They can moan but they can’t be rude to me. It is tiring to enforce but so worth it. The deal is that I always speak to them the same way. I get cross of course but try not to lose my shit.
The other stuff - the mess etc. Not the battle I chose. The bedrooms get tidied once a week. I never iron uniform. The tumble drier is my friend.
My house is a nice kind place to be but it is messy and the children look a little crumpled! I am happy I picked the right battle.

It’s strange isn’t it? We’re under pressure now to enjoy the mothering/parenting experience? Years ago, it was about feeding, clothing and getting them through school. My dad left school at 14 (when he was there at all; he worked with my grandad sorting scrap metal) in 1943. My mum went to college and became a secretary and the family were so proud because her siblings worked in factories. My grandparents didn’t ever think about “enjoying” parenthood. The pressure now on parents is phenomenal. Op, you’re brave enough to say it’s not the most wonderful part of your life. I’m crap at it too. Never mind. Just do your best, love.

My previous post was not meant to be smug. I would never go back to the 0-4 years. I found that hard beyond belief for all of the reasons that lots of pervious posters do too.

Having children has made me realise I'm much more of an introvert than an extrovert. I really crave time by myself. Sometimes once I've put them to bed, I sit by myself in the bedroom. My oh says I'm being anti social but I just sometimes need peace and quiet without anyone speaking to me or asking anything of me. I think it's why I'm baffled by people with huge families who say they love the noise and the chaos and company...it just sounds exhausting to me.

Sometimes once I've put them to bed, I sit by myself in the bedroom

Yes, same. I need time to decompress and not have anyone trying to talk at me/ touch me! DS is very clingy, it's lovely and I'll miss the hugs when he's older but I'm touched out.

I feel so validated by this thread. Crying for some reason... I just didn't enjoy the stress of the early years. . (When people say you've done great I think, have I fuck! You don't know that I shouted, cried, drank wine, ignored all health visitor advice etc etc) the teens have been not too bad touch wood tho.
Just good to admit parenthood (motherhood) is going hard going most of the time, but, the love remains immense.

Totally get it. Sorry you are feeling so bad. Eldest 31 now. Couldn't ever tell anyone that I found the whole process soul destroying. Try to find something for you.

I think that’s spot on about the introvert/extrovert thing in my case. I also crave time by myself most of the time. It’s something I didn’t realise until I had kids.

Totally relate to loads of the stuff on here and especially some of the practical tips like try not to sweat the small stuff and stay away from bloody Facebook! I would have enjoyed my DC early years so much more if I’d have had family support or a DH so OP I urge you to make sure you get that help if it’s available!! Also I think if you’re lucky enough to receive love and affection as a child then that’s the stuff that really stays with you....and it’s hard to be that loving, light hearted parent if you’re feeling stressed out and unhappy. As lots of previous posters have said - do whatever you can to get time off from your DC etc. Children are such a blessing but they can drain the life blood from you!! Hope you are able to make some changes if that’s what’s needed 💐

Have been following this thread and wanted to post in solidarity. The thing i struggle with most is the constant noise. I am easily overwhelmed sensorily whereas it just washes over dh - so i always come across as the big baddy . I'm currently hiding in the bedroom as they're noisily playing and it's better for everyone. Had grand plans for today but the sun has buggered off .

Getting time to yourself is crucial, as is finding activities that nourish you

I have 5 DCs 22, 18, 16, 14, 9. I have to say the 9 and 22 year olds are the nicest. I agree with a version of benign neglect but with lots of hugs!
I found the 4-11 stage the most rewarding, teens are a grind in my view (no bed time!!!). With littles, one of our main rules was bedtime and that gave us time to chill and be an adult couple.
I ignored most of the schools requests, unless they had to be in school tomorrow dressed as a Christmas tree or something (this really happened).
I work full time and DH part time so he does the school run. He failed to remember all cake sales, cultural evenings, parents in the class room, though he does help on some of the outings. Probably because of being a man he doesn't even notice any mums who judge or gossip. At primary school we reminded the kids to do their homework but let the teachers deal with it if it wasn't done.
I was very short of time and stopped wearing socks for about 10 years to cut out looking for them, I stopped ironing all together using a tumble dryer instead. We read to the kids when they were little but gave up when they lost interest. We ignored mess (not dirt) and gave them 'sticking and gluing/clay/paint/junk modelling type stuff and local park/farm/gardens/swimming/museum outings not expensive and stressful outings. We didn't drive them to loads activities.
Holidays have been mostly in this country camping/self catering. We tried to say yes more often than no (like a pp said), picked our battles.
I dont think YABU but for me I really miss the little days and will be sad when my last one is a teen.

The mess, the mess is just miserable. That and the bloody washing.

I seem to work, rush children to activities, cook, clean and wash. My kids aren't even that small (13,11 and 5) and they have their own jobs to help, putting out bins and recycling, hoovering downstairs and wiping over bathrooms etc but every time I sit down I see another job that needs doing.

I had a bad day yesterday, my
DS2 who’s 2 seems to kick off over the slightest thing constantly. He doesn’t talk or communicate with me I wonder if he’s on the spectrum. We were at the doctors and he kicked off lashing out at me screaming and I just burst into tears, I wanted the ground to swallow me up and this has been constant. I feel I can’t do anything with him at the moment and he just lashes out and screams. We all have bad days but boy none of the other dc have pushed me to the point of tears the way DS2 has. I’m beyond frustrated and it’s hard. We aren’t perfect op we all have bad days

For those who feel like this and have more than two children can I ask why you continued to have more? I’m not being confrontational I’m genuinely interested as I have a three year old and whilst I love being her mum and all the fun and joy it brings I know that any more children would do me in. I like calm and quiet and parenting demands tire me out even with a super supportive partner and loads of time to myself - I think If I had another I’d be feeling like a lot of posters here. Wondering why more people don’t stop at one.

pig because IME they're easier when they're little. The proper hard work didn't kick in until school age, the older they are the more stubborn they can be, the more they can argue back and they're too big to just pick up and cart them off when they're raising hell.

My whole parenting days, I feel like I've been looking around me, thinking 'wow, there are people around who actually enjoy this shit'.

I love my kids to death, but the teenage stage is my favourite. Or the newborn. As they sleep all day.

It's the mess that gets to me. I fantasise about one day living on my own, in an immaculate place where everything stays as it is. Where I can read in silence all day if I wish.

And no, I won't miss the fingerprints and noise, etc.

Pigleteer My other two were fine
My last dc has been extremely hardwork.

@Dieu! 😁. That’s exactly what I used to think! I woke most mornings, pre-school thinking “when will it end? When can I have a quiet moment and NOT feel The Guilt?”

I agree. None of the suggestions on this thread have really helped me. Over the years, I still get worn down/fed up of the monotony and drudge of it all. Parenting really is a thankless task.

I don't think there is an answer. Which is worrying.

Totally agree. It is a soul destroying thankless task. I'm constantly counting down the years til they leave home. I do love them but I hate the 24/7/365 responsibility and worry.

@Pigleteer totally with you. Only have one and now she is 3 things seem simpler (even though she is terribly stubborn and sneaky)

‘I love my kids to death, but the teenage stage is my favourite. Or the newborn. As they sleep all day.’

I envy you as ds never slept as a newborn and I hated the baby stage!

Hope toddler stage is better...

‘It's the mess that gets to me. I fantasise about one day living on my own, in an immaculate place where everything stays as it is.’

I think that too but I’d have to kick DH out for that to happen