To be absolutely sick of being a mum

[Anonmcnon]

I’m sick of the defiance, the not doing things until the 20th request, the constant noise and bickering, the meltdowns over homework, the joyless drudgery of keeping the house tidy/clean only for it to be messed up almost immediately.

I’m sick of the pressures from school, the endless worry about kids not doing well enough, the guilt that i’m not doing enough work at home with them. The guilt that i’m doing too much with them and ruining their childhood.
The guilt that i’m too unmotivated to play with them, read to them etc.
The constant grinding guilt of failing them as all i do is shout and moan.

If i’d known it would be like this i would have known my limitations and stayed childless.
I’m tired of reading parenting books and not finding any solutions.
Can anyone relate to feeling like a completely useless parent?

iwanttobeatree 1234
yeah me too!! 15 years of trying for a baby and now my marriage is over and I’m single. again!!

OP, finding no joy in your life can be very debilitating and a downward spiral. I would set some time for yourself and try to become stronger, healthier and fitter, even if it is just a yoga class or a walking group. And get plenty of sleep if you can. Yes it can be relentless, you can ask your children to help you clear up and pick up, and maybe your OH can help with homework. Every parent doubts themselves, we all muddle through and do the best we can. It is exhausting and relentless, but every day is different and they grow up so quickly. But do keep some time for you and put yourself first sometimes.

I don't know how old your children are OP, but as soon as you can I would enrol them into Scouts/Cubs/ Beavers. They are taught all sorts of skills and also how to be helpful! But, best of all, they often take off on a camping weekend or even a week Jamboree, so you could have a child free weekend! Also, organise sleepovers with school friends, take it in turns with other parents. When their friends are over, they are occupied and you can take a breather. But make a life for yourself too, they will not thank you if you feel resentful that you gave your life up for them, take a leaf out of their book and be selfish.

My two are grown up now, but I brought them both up by myself, every decision regarding education, schools, etc I took on my self. All of the 70 or so parents evenings I went to on my own. Every morning assembly, school nativity, concert, school play, I went on my own. I was quite lonely but more than that, it felt like a huge responsibility and it was tough making some of those decisions. In the end, my philosophy was, if it doesn't work, try something else. My daughter had a very hard time as a teenager and as a parent I was screaming inside for help, I was almost at the edge of walking out for ever, the hurt that children can do to you is all the more because you love them so much. I am fortunate that my daughter has turned a corner, three gap years have helped her grow into a kind, intelligent and respectful woman, so, please OP, we learn as we go along, and it gets better, although of course, it goes without saying, that no matter how grown up your children are, you will always be their mum.

To Peanutbuttercups, I agree totally with your approach, benign neglect, and Boredom. From boredom springs creativity and genius and imagination. Yes, totally, take them to the park, shove them off, sit on a bench with a book keeping an eye loosely on them.

Try not giving a shit, it works for me. Do your best. Ultimately it's not up to you at all how your children will turn out so why stress, fuck it.

OP, most of us feel this way (I do now and they are young adults) but I find having a hobby helps.

Also, my dd was a huge pain and I finally found a way to change her; Instead of punishing her, I hugged her. She hated it and stopped being a pain. Think out of the norm, be creative, it helps.

God I could have written the OP (and many others since)
Parenting is the most thankless task, it’s hard, relentless and, for me anyway, seems to be getting harder. Given my time again I’d definitely remain childless. I’ve been up since 3.30am because 4yo DS has taken to getting up in the middle of the night and refusing to go back to bed. I refuse to engage with him when he does this so he behaves worse and worse to get my attention. Tonight meaning he intentionally pissed himself, meaning a big clean up operation.

I’m constantly worried that I’m fucking him up one way or another and I HATE all the ‘enrichment’ shit I’m supposed to do. I just hate being a parent, I shouldn’t have bothered.

I would never ever change my kids my eldest is now 21 and my youngest is 18, I 100% miss the younger years . Stick to your guns with discipline, sometimes giving in is the easy option, it is hard being a parent but I promise it's worth it. My DD is at university and I miss her so much, my DS works long hours and has a partner and he is not at home much . I had such a noisy house and now it's me and my dog if I could go back to when my DC were 9&6 I would do it in a heartbeat. Have you thought about getting then in a youth group so you have a little time in the evening for yourself ? Good luck I promise it does get easier .

I often wonder how the human race lasted so long given that oarenting is such a slog. Bloody hormones...and the media!

parenting

Felloutofbed2wice
Only just read this so a bit behind but primary schools have a legal obligation to ‘direct’ you to wraparound care. If you cannot find a childminder who will do after school then contact the school are ask them to help.

I too find it hard

I would never ever change my kids my eldest is now 21 and my youngest is 18, I 100% miss the younger years . Stick to your guns with discipline, sometimes giving in is the easy option, it is hard being a parent but I promise it's worth it. My DD is at university and I miss her so much, my DS works long hours and has a partner and he is not at home much . I had such a noisy house and now it's me and my dog if I could go back to when my DC were 9&6 I would do it in a heartbeat. Have you thought about getting then in a youth group so you have a little time in the evening for yourself ? Good luck I promise it does get easier .

I look forward your stage now but might be like you wishing my dc were young again once in your position. Double edged sword being a mum.

snowflake29f What a lovely post... it’s true the saying of- you don’t miss it till it’s gone! - the lady who started this post- please get some help..(1) do the parenting course (Triple P), (2) ask friends/family to have the kids one night a week send them off on play dates... (3) get a cleaner ! ( I would go without food to pay mine.. it’s so worth it for the one day you don’t have to clean!), (4) every week do something for yourself, a walk, gym, coffee with friends etc)...get that hubby helping you more! . it’s how the rest of us survive! Good luck xx

Everyone has tough days/weeks and it will pass. One day you will look back and your children will be gone (homes of their own etc) and you will wonder why you worried the small things. It doesn't haven't to be spotless all the time, mess is ok, as long as clean and hygienic... get your children to help with some jobs give them some age appropriate responsibility.
I have an adult 'child' profound disability and will need care until I can physically no longer manage then a care home for her.... children without these disabilities are hard work but it will not go on for ever, ease the burden, share it around, don't be too hard on yourself and homework.... um again don't stress it, schools with their need to drive up results push and push, children are children we all need to relax a little.

Yup it's all a con and people who are parents already never spill the beans until you're in the club. Who in their right mind would bring kids into this messed up world that will probably be uninhabitable by 2050 anyway? Not the decision of a rational person now I think about it.

YANBU. I think what you’ve said echos the thoughts of most mums from time to time. It really is relentless! Totally get what you’re saying about the housework. I have a three year old and a baby and on the rare occasion when the baby lets me tidy up without screaming the place down for attention, the three year old mucks it up as soon as it’s done anyway. But there are good days and you just have to hold on to those :) they’re worth it. Maybe ask someone to help you out more. My husband works full time and I was always worried about asking for help with house stuff because i felt like it was my job, but he chips in with the pots and bottle prep now and it’s made things so much easier and relaxed for us.

Like a PP I never wanted children and reading posts like this just make me say "phew!". I'm sure there are tons of great things that I am missing out on and will continue to miss out on as I get older but I never wanted any of it - the nurturing, caring, feeding, cleaning etc, the thoughts of an entire person depending on me still sends a shiver down my spine.

I was talking to a friend recently about parenthood, I felt that she really wanted to let loose about how she really felt but felt constrained particularly because I'm childless perhaps. The best she could come up with, on the positive side of things, was how she loves seeing her baby's smile first thing in the morning. Even she seemed unconvinced that this made up for the rest of it ("drudgery" in her words) but we both smiled and said "aaah" and both (I think) pretended to mean it.

Of course they grow up and you get your life back but it's a hell of a sacrifice in the meantime (in my view).

And here’s me looking forward to ds and future child (if I decide I can cope with a nother) getting older and more self sufficient. Maybe its just swapping one set of issuws a for another!

issues for *

It’s weird because as he’s is it I couldn’t imagine life without ds and life would be too quiet I think with just me and dh rattling around in our house. I do miss parts of my childless life like those amazingly relaxing holidays abroad with nobody else to consider and lazy evenings/lie ins and going out when ever I want at any time day or night. However if I was in my old life knowing what I do now i would miss parts of my life now such as family trips/days out and Easter, birthdays, Halloween and Christmas wouldn’t be half as fun!

as hard as it is* should say

Yes, totally (sorry I haven't RTFT).
Mine are in their 20s and 30s and I've never got it right - as they constantly remind me.

Boulty