To be absolutely sick of being a mum

[Anonmcnon]

I’m sick of the defiance, the not doing things until the 20th request, the constant noise and bickering, the meltdowns over homework, the joyless drudgery of keeping the house tidy/clean only for it to be messed up almost immediately.

I’m sick of the pressures from school, the endless worry about kids not doing well enough, the guilt that i’m not doing enough work at home with them. The guilt that i’m doing too much with them and ruining their childhood.
The guilt that i’m too unmotivated to play with them, read to them etc.
The constant grinding guilt of failing them as all i do is shout and moan.

If i’d known it would be like this i would have known my limitations and stayed childless.
I’m tired of reading parenting books and not finding any solutions.
Can anyone relate to feeling like a completely useless parent?

I’ve been increasingly feeling like this too OP, mine are 7 and 2. With hindsight, I think I should have stuck with one as I only ever seem to have enough patience for one of their demands and tantrums!

It doesn’t help that I hate my job but am stuck with it because the pay & conditions are so good that I can’t find anything else that would match it. So I feel like I’m failing at work, and failing as a mother, and I’m not sure how much longer I can go on like this before I crack!

My kids are 20, 18 and 16.

They all still live at home and 18 year old has just decided not to go to Uni in Sep and work full time in a chain food restaurant.

20 yr old works too (pays rent) and still here with his g/f most of the time.

Their father has nothing to do with “parenting” but sees them “for coffee” occasionally.

I am sick of being the “default” parent sometimes. I just remarried and sometimes when the step children aren’t here and 16 yr old is with his dad I would like the house to myself.

Call me an evil bitch - I love them so much but when the hell do they leave Home?!

I imagine everyone feels like this at some time. Myself and all my friends certainly do.
If I didn't have regular activity time on my own (going rowing or out for a jog around) I would be loopy. It doesn't matter what else needs doing (tidying, ironing, supervising homework), the world won't collapse, just get out of the house on your own for an hour a few times a week.
Other things - lower your cleaning standards. It really doesn't matter.
Homework - the bare minimum.
Doing well in school? Have a chat with their teachers to reassure yourself they are managing ok. To be honest the fact that you are concerned about how they are getting on, means you're doing more than many parents.
Activities - drop a few. They're never really appreciated anyway, that thread on here about #makingmemories demonstrated that nicely!
And the guilt? I don't know how to help with that, but your family is your business, try not to worry what anyone else thinks (easier said than done I know).
Look after yourself OP, that's the best thing you can do x

Do you let your children know that you are a person and have feelings too? Sometimes I think my children's nicer behaviour has come from my most awful moments. I regretted bitterly every time I snapped "I've had enough, I am not doing another thing for you because I am exhausted and I just can't, so you can x y z before you ask me for another damn thing". and I actually think that sometimes it was the right thing to do. I bet some TV nanny would have looked them in the eye, and said in a very gentle patronising tone something like "now it's time for you to pick up all the stuff, mmmm ok? Can you pick up everything off the floor? Can you start by putting the cushions back on the sofa? Well done! One cushion! Go you! Let's keep going, ok?" and a load of bollocks like that. but I can't be that person all the time. And here we are.

So now my daughters quite often remember to ask me for things in a way that I find infinitely less stressful than that awful PILING ON OF CRAP where your whole life is spent under a humming holding pattern of SHIT TO BE DONE - where they say instead: "Mummy when you have finished doing that, please could you help me with x?" And when they do that I practically sob with relief with the PTSD* of recovering from being the parents of toddlers, and I say "you know it makes a huge difference when you ask me like that. In the meantime, please can you pick up some of that crap in the sitting room"

So I think that we shouldn't feel bad about being a bit selfish. Women who are selfless all the time are treated like utter, utter shit. No one thanks them. They just keep piling on more stuff. Push back. In your style, in a style that works for you, even if it might shock them a bit

*yes this is an exaggeration.

Interesting thread. I know a few couples who are trying to conceive...they have interesting jobs, happy marriages, plenty of money, wonderful holidays and weekends spent eating out and enjoying themselves. I feel like saying they must be mad!

Then there are the lovely moments. I work at home but had a project in an office in a nearby city. I was quite stressed and rushed out of the house in the morning leaving breakfast stuff everywhere. My dds had an hour on their own before I got back (late primary). They cleaned and tidied the downstairs without being asked - looked like a show home. I was mentally bracing myself for a load of jobs as I walked up the front path and nearly cried when I saw what they had done.

don’t do homework, it’s not a legal requirement.
Think about the demands placed on them and is it worth the defiance?

I agree so much with this.

We had screaming, shouting, tears, anger, the lot, every single weekend when it came to doing homework with DC1. We tried all sorts. We tried doing a little bit every night, same result. We tried using a timer and doing it in little ten minute bursts, same result. We tried rewards, same. We tried sanctions for non-compliance, same. We tried stepping right back and saying "fine, don't do it but you'll have to face the consequences at school", same result but with added upset over the consequences. DC1 is 8yo, for reference.

So I wrote a letter to school saying that it was having far too much negative impact upon our family life and neither DC would longer be participating in homework any longer. I said that any homework sent home would be returned to the class teacher, uncompleted, the next day and that the DC were not to be punished for this. I said that I would still make sure they did their spellings and their reading though.

School weren't happy about it but tough shit. Our weekends are no longer taken up by screaming and shouting and, because there's not the stress of additional work, DC1 will now actually do his spellings and reading voluntarily whereas before he would flat out refuse as part of his generalised homework stress. He knows he'll have to do homework when he goes to middle school and we'll gradually reintroduce it once the time comes but for now, it's one of the best decisions we've made.

I’ve spent some time today reading through all the posts and just wanted to say thanks for the solidarity, I’m glad I’m not the only one.
I do seriously wonder what would happen if I just said no to homework for my youngest ds. The only problem is that he’s fallen behind a bit already due to attention problems/fidgeting etc. I’m not sure whether I can risk the no homework thing. We do very little with him as it is!

I actually had just wiped away tears and come on to write a very very similar post although I am not sure could have written it so eloquently. We spent years trying to be parents but really have doubts on days like today.

I’m sick of the shit that comes with being a Mum. The endless piles of washing, the cooking, the cleaning, the daily battles to brush teeth, tidy room etc. I feel you OP

Women who are selfless all the time are treated like utter, utter shit. No one thanks them. They just keep piling on more stuff.

This is so true. Exactly what I needed to hear today. I'm a SAHM to a 15 month old who I adore but I'm learning that time to myself isn't selfish - it's vital to my sanity.

My Mum always felt she was a bad mum, that every time something wasn't perfect it was somehow her fault. I decided that if I knew I was a bad mum but didn't care then my children would probably grow up ok. It's perfectly ok to hate being a Mum, you're also a person and sometimes being a Mum is the worst. Find some not being a Mum time and otherwise relax about being a Mum. You won't always do the right thing but just accept that you'll be the best mum you can. Don't read parenting books, they'll only make you feel a bad Mum.

Yes, YABU.

Please try to enjoy every second with your children. Have patience. Love them. Enjoy them.

All I wish is that I was a mom. Losing my son at 19 weeks pregnant is the worst thing I’ve ever gone through and I know once we are given another blessing we will cherish every second.

If you need some help, please try and get some. Whether that’s family, friend or medical help if you feel like you may be depressed.

You will miss them being that little one day :).

With you sister! But there are some bright relaxing days (rare, but still) so let’s focus on that, as in a blink of an eye we’ll have stroppy teenagers ungrateful adults with kids in need of childcare bless you, we’ll just need to survive it day by day, and try to relax more, and be easier on ourselves... xxx

I totally get it. 3 kids, 16, 14 and 12. I work full time. Go home and nag about homework, tidying rooms, mobile phones and then go to bed. And do the same all again in the morning. I hate it. Totally joyless most of the time. Feel unappreciated and kids are old enough to help out more. But after asking for the 100th time, i give up! This time will pass I guess when they all leave home! I love them all dearly but much prefer toddlers to teens. Let's stick together!

Read the Unmumsy Mum by Sarah Turner. It makes you laugh and then wonder if she watched you through a window to write it!

BLess you. It’s hard sometimes!! I really found ‘The incredible years’ or ‘Triple P’ parenting course helped.. and I would go and do again as a refresher as well! It really makes you look at your relationship with your kids and offers a ‘tool kit’ to use in times of stress! Ask your local council for details. It’s free and Really good! Happy if you want my details to call up And have a moan too... we’ve all been there !! but get some help now.. there is help
Out there hun x

With you all the way. You are not alone. Parenting is savage.

I hear you op...I'm sick of being a mum...I want to scream out loud....I'm not a bloody punch bag..today he's hit me ,ramed me ,run at me hard to knock me over countless times,and headbutted me in the stomach...yeah I'm having a great time as mum.

OP you sound plain knackered. Can you not just say no to homework and no to housework for a couple of nights, give the kids pizza and make a point of having long, hot baths and a couple of decent night's sleep and not think too hard about anything until then. I think life'll start to look better...

My two at 10 and 6. One boy and one girl. The fighting. The selective hearing. The number of times I have to ask politely then bluntly then flat out end up screaming “put your shoes on!!!!”

Love them to pieces but my god the constant bickering and whinging drives me bonkers!

DS10 will sometimes help with housework to earn pocket money but DD6 would rather not have money and just flops on the floor and says she’s too tired to possibly tidy anything.

Then manchild comes home and makes a mess too and I just give up for the day lol!

I agree, it’s fucking hard thankless grind. Mine are 19, 15 and 13. I’m a single parent, I work FT and I’m knackered. The eldest two have no interest in education and the youngest is addicted to the PS4 . I have tried SO hard ... we do have good relationships, but honestly ? Not at all sure it was worth it ...

I could have written this to. I am exhausted by the fighting, the endless, utterly relentless fighting. All. The. Fucking. Time.

The mess, which no one but me seems to have any desire to tidy up. The homework, the worry that DD won't do well in the SATS as she cannot even answer 8+1. I'm bored and resentful that this is my life. Some hideous rented house which will never be the home I imagined I'd have. The naughty children everyone stares at in the supermarket. It's all just a bit crap.

All the time. Don't get my wrong I love both of my DC to bits but some days I think they would be better of with someone else, I get up and think today is going to be a good day, I'm not going to shout and everything is going to be rainbows and unicorns and with 10 minutes I am either shouting at my DD, my DS, DH or the cat.

Or even too.