To be absolutely sick of being a mum

[Anonmcnon]

I’m sick of the defiance, the not doing things until the 20th request, the constant noise and bickering, the meltdowns over homework, the joyless drudgery of keeping the house tidy/clean only for it to be messed up almost immediately.

I’m sick of the pressures from school, the endless worry about kids not doing well enough, the guilt that i’m not doing enough work at home with them. The guilt that i’m doing too much with them and ruining their childhood.
The guilt that i’m too unmotivated to play with them, read to them etc.
The constant grinding guilt of failing them as all i do is shout and moan.

If i’d known it would be like this i would have known my limitations and stayed childless.
I’m tired of reading parenting books and not finding any solutions.
Can anyone relate to feeling like a completely useless parent?

Hi OP and all who feel the same. I have 3 children 18-12 now. It’s so true that you need to stand your ground and get them to do some of the housework! And block off your OWN time which is essential to recover from what can feel like SLAVERY!! If I look at my parents generation (my mother a baby boomer - not much of a dangerous whisper of feminism there) I feel we/ I have made some progress. But we aren’t and should not accept the default position of housekeeping martyr! I’ve seriously lowered my standards over the years because I realised that the only people who cared/ noticed were me and my judgey Mother! They want a clean room? They can clean it! Ps I work and am a single mother too. Whatever the situation, make it your priority to be happy and fulfilled aswell as a mother. That is what your children will find worth inheriting from you, not a pointless need to conform to historic and sexist expectations. I would hate to see either of my daughters feeling this way - and endeavour to set a good example.

I could of wrote this word for word. You arent alone. I know my sister feels the same too.

Oh gosh OP I’m with you. Always wanted kids, always wanted to be a mum. In reality it’s blooming hard work! I have a 10, 8 and 4 year old. Although the middle one is the equivalent of 10 children (I’m not exaggerating!).

I keep thinking though it will get easier - one day! In the meantime I try focusing on the good things and making sure I don’t neglect myself, which is easily done!

I haven’t read all of your comments OP but as a new mum (and older) I’m finding the early days tough I’ve not slept for more than 2 hours in 7 months and as much as I love my son beyond life I do doubt myself as I’m so tired. Make time for yourself as you say you have I’m sure his will help massively. Even 1 hour to get my hair done is a complete dream atm and find happiness with your kids in amongst the chaos. It’s only when they are older they will realise how hard you worked and loved them. I bet you are doing an amazing job

Yep - I can totally relate! Boys aged 10 and almost-7. They bicker all the time. They won't do their homework. They talk back to me and DH. They strop about anything and everything. And the irony is that they (generally speaking), have a fucking lovely life, yet zero self-awareness of it.

I love them to bits and would be lost without them, but if I'd known what having kids and raising them was REALLY going to be like (as opposed to my rose-tinted fantasies), I'd have kept taking my birth control pills, because DH and I were really fucking happy before we had them and our relationship and our quality of life has massively nose-dived since having them.

But you know what? Our parents' generation never felt all this angst and they screwed up every bit as much as we do. So just do your best. And if you need to get away, or have a drink or a good moan to your mates every now and again - do it. I recommend it, in fact. I'm not perfect, far from it, but I do my best and I hope that one day my kids appreciate that that's what I'm doing - the same way I appreciate that the imperfect job my parents did was also the best they could do.

I adore my DS and when its just negotiating between his needs and mine, I still get my space and time. Still exhausting, but I don't recognise many of the experiences here.

I'd love another child someday, but I absolutely can't imagine coping with more than one unless I was very rich and able to afford substantial help. I don't know you all cope with two pre-schoolers, let alone any more.

YANBU. I've said it before, but I don't think child rearing is meant to be like this. I've spent time in other countries where its the norm for extended families and grandparents to be very involved in child raising, and on top of that there is extremely cheap childcare. It takes a village ect. It was only relatively recently in our history when child raising become the main responsibility of one woman who is probably also juggling work.

I'd recommend reading Andienne Rich, institution of motherhood, if you into that kind of thing.

Yes yes yes. I’m a single mum of 3 (dd1 - 20, ds - 8, dd2 - 6) and live 200 miles from any family. Dd1 is away at uni, ds is in college / work and dd2 is ASD. I work full time and have no help. Dad cheated and is NC - his choice. I’m tired. Tired of being the only one to give a crap, to be the only one at parents evenings, tired of having endless late night calls about exam stress, Worrying about choosing the right junior school, worry that I’ve neglected one of them, tired of the house being a mess, worrying about money when maintenance for ds stops next year, worrying about not giving 100% to anything because my mind is always on the opposite of what it should be... tired of never having enough sleep, feeling guilt when I have a day at home at the weekend but then feeling guilt if the chores aren’t done... tired of feeling guilty for not feeling #blessed when I love them unconditionally but I don’t like them very much.. tired of being fed up and alone in the night when bedtime is done and I sit watching the clock until I go to bed and wait for it to start all over again...

And breathe. Sorry guys. Needed to get that out. Better now. X

You know we all have days when we're crap parents OP. If we were amazing all the time our children would grow up boring with nothing to complain about.
I think you need to get angry and demand some help from your family. Get your children to pitch in with a list of jobs and cash rewards at the end of it, you can't do everything yourself. You're not their skivvy. If you can afford it, get a cleaner. This is your life too, you deserve to be enjoying it. Start demanding more from them.

I wish I had all the problems you have. I lost my little boy and I nearly lost my life trying to have him so yes. When you say AIBU to something like that, the answer will always be categorically YES!

I too feel like you, at least some of the time (a lot) my son tonight has been crying as he's been given homework, which is the usual (crying and tantruming) BUT this homework involves writing a list of food he eats this week, apparently his teacher is spying on him and he refuses to do it. I mean. Goodness, sometimes I wonder what the fuck goes through his mind!!!! I can't handle the homework tantrums, the bed time fussing, the refusal to have a bath, the sleeping in the big bed, the hating of school.....the list is endless.

Oh yes totally get where you are coming from, sick of the noise, the arguing, the very defiant 8 year old who still has full on tantrums. The endless washing and tidying, the mum guilt. The feeling that I am always shouting. Nobody listening to me. I sometimes wish I could walk out. So you are totally not being unreasonable I'm sure there will be a lot of others agreeing with you. Motherhood is flipping hard work much harder than I ever thought.

BenAngel that is in unbelievably sad but you can't enjoy every second of everything in your life, we ALL love our children but we are allowed to get frustrated over things. My boy was born extremely prem (1lb 10oz) and could have easily died, but I'm only human and get annoyed by things even though he's lucky to be here.

Its grueling hard rock face work and for many of us its unrelenting with no break.

Wrestling with dc in the heat is also no fun.

I'm glad I chose not to have kids.
Not helpful, sorry.

ME!!!! I said all of this just the other day. What a thankless job. All I get are grunts, complaints about what they don't have, never a mention of everything they do have, complaints about everything. Everything is my fault, I have dc ranging from 10 to 16. They're just horrible some days. I never used to understand why women chose not to have children but not do I now!!!! I admire them and I'm jealous. Just don't think I'd have them again if I knew what I know now.

Another one totally with you. I have proper, full on tonsillitis at the moment. Single parent so still having to do all the daily shit. Thankfully my very good friend did school run this morning and another smasher picked them up again. I absolutely adore my two, they really are wonderful humans but I really can't be arsed with the daily bollocks it all entails. Thank you OP for your honesty xx

freegazelle your right. We've moved so far away from "it takes a village in our society, no wonder we're all nervous wrecks. It's not how children were meant to be raised.

I completely understand where you are coming from OP. Some days it is so hard and I feel like I’ve put too many of my dreams on the back burner.

My first child, a little boy called Louis, was stillborn at 41 weeks. It destroyed me and I suffered ptsd. It was five years before I finally had my eldest daughter and I’ve since had another - they are perfect, lovely and everything I dreamed of...but they are also excruciatingly hard work! For so long I drove myself into an anxious mess because I couldn’t face how hard I find parenting in light of how much I wanted it. Some days I really suck at being a mum and the loss of my son makes that a heavy burden.

My girls are really happy though, bright and funny.

My own mum hated being a parent. My dad left when I was 8 and she always told us the story about how she asked him to take us but he didn’t want to! I’m fairn to her she never wanted to have children but he talked her into it and then left! She did her best and loves us very much - she just didn’t enjoy our childhood. Knock on is that just thinking about my childhood makes me feel sad.

I don’t want to keep every negative from my children but they’ll never know how much I struggle (unless when they’re adults and want an honest conversation about having children!)

@Greenyogagirl could you ds attend a special needs school. Regardless of his needs he should have an education provided for him by he LA.

I’ve had one to those days today. I love my children but I couldn’t wait for 7pm. I found myself day dreaming about before I had kids when I would drive home from work and enjoy what’s left of the sunshine and have a glass of wine now it’s like a mad house with dinner and bath time.

Chill out, have a large glass of wine and tell the kids you want left alone undisturbed for half an hour!
I 100% would not have had kids with hindsight. I love them but i miss the old me and my old life and my spotless flat in the centre of town!
I think this is how things are now, there are lots of plus points, the boys are kind and funny and I will be able to travel again once they are older!

Same here.

Got home from work to a messy house and neither of them had done the one chore I'd given them. As usual. Cue fighting and swearing when I reprimanded them. I have 100% of the responsibility and I'm sick of it. For what, two lazy swearing kids who will not stop fighting.

@Lellikelly26 how does it change? I'm desperate to keep the same close relationship with my dd 3.

Hi OP
My DS is nearly 6 months so am very new to this but it is hard so far! I'd love just 24 hours off. I'd spend it sleeping probably as haven't slept more than 2 hours in a row since before he was born and I'm told it won't get easier! I love him dearly but I shall be stopping at 1!
to you

I agree with every word you said. I'm glad you can't send kids back because I'd have done it ages ago....and I'd probably miss them.