To be absolutely sick of being a mum

[Anonmcnon]

I’m sick of the defiance, the not doing things until the 20th request, the constant noise and bickering, the meltdowns over homework, the joyless drudgery of keeping the house tidy/clean only for it to be messed up almost immediately.

I’m sick of the pressures from school, the endless worry about kids not doing well enough, the guilt that i’m not doing enough work at home with them. The guilt that i’m doing too much with them and ruining their childhood.
The guilt that i’m too unmotivated to play with them, read to them etc.
The constant grinding guilt of failing them as all i do is shout and moan.

If i’d known it would be like this i would have known my limitations and stayed childless.
I’m tired of reading parenting books and not finding any solutions.
Can anyone relate to feeling like a completely useless parent?

I’m sad that my youngest is 8 and I can see the end of the lovely young years. I really want another one at the moment but know it is just my mourning that time in my life. My eldest is 15 and though I have a good relationship with him it’s just not the same as when he was younger. I’m dreading it getting like that with my daughter.
Enjoy your kids while you can

I am not a parent yet but maybe this video will lift some of your spirits.. I bet you are all doing a fantastic job and I'm sure your kids will agree

\link{https://www.facebook.com/motherlymedia/videos/2126813844264002/\here}

Big hugs. I think most of us feel like that once in a while. The question is whether you feel like that constantly?
First off, it's allowed. You aren't a dreadful person for acknowledging it to yourself. You are a worthwhile person, too.
Are you seeing other mums/ friends / family during the day? I find it soooo much easier if there are other adults around. Somehow it gives me more motivation to play. It becomes a game for me, rather than just something I'm having to do for the kid's sake.
Can you do some fun things that both you and the kids enjoy? I found a turning point when I took the baby swimming. Return-to-the-womb stuff.
You don't mention work - have you got something that you do outside the home for yourself, paid or otherwise? I always recommend joining a choir as a sure solace for melancholy. I know full well that this won't work for everyone, but at any rate everyone should try it.
Do talk to your GP, too, if you feel dreadful. They may be able to help. xx

I have found my tribe!!! I have four of the cute, energy-sapping critters and they are such hard work that I do find myself wondering if I'd known in advance what it would be like then whether I would have had them.

But every now and then we have a lovely 10 minutes and all is good

Yes yes yes! mine are 16, 14 and 9, and there are many, many times when I have fantasised about putting everything down and walking away. Then I feel guilty about feeling like that...
I try to cope by using holiday camps (sport for mine, that's their thing) as much as I can; making homework their responsibility (though admittedly I do still have to nag my 14 year old endlessly, he's Yr10) and never ever doing an outing or day trip that fills me with dread. So they've never been to any kind of amusement park and only went to a playbarn about twice when they were younger, and that was because some other eejit parent had arranged a birthday party there. Know your limits. Plus my house is nearly always a mess. I've stopped folding up clothes - I wash them and then I sort them into massive heaps on the kitchen table and they can't sit down to eat till the clothes have gone. These are things that don't matter to me and I'm certain don't matter to my kids, judging by their bedroom floors. I guess if they did matter to me, I'd feel very differently.
I think my kids see me as a person now, not a doormat; actually I have quite a good relationship with my eldest most of the time. They have to be their own people, they have to take responsibility. If you take responsibility for everything about them, when will they grow up? And how miserable will you be?
Hugs to us all

I’m with you OP. Totally get it.

I burst into proper, sobbing tears on Friday because I had DS clambering onto me from one side and the bloody dog elbowing his way in on the other side and I just couldn't bear feeling so trapped all the time. Even now the damn dog is onmy feet! I never have a moment without someone wanting to touch me, or at least that's how it felt on Friday!

Since then we have had several lovely fun days, but I was seriously on the verge of calling the GP and begging for some pills on Friday. As it is I am stepping up my efforts to learn coding and am planning to start DS at preschool for a morning a week imminently. I need to do something unrelated to shitty nappies and Julia Donaldson books!

I don't know how anyone manages with more than two. Two's bad enough.
My lovely cute little 5 yr old today answered me back screaming in a manner that reminds me he is no longer just cute and is about to become a proper child just like his lovely big sister. I have obviously not been parenting well or they would neither shout nor answer back, just do what they're told like all the other beautifully behaved orderly children I see around.
They do play together really well... sometimes.

Being 'touched out' is A Thing.

That claustrophobic feeling of not even being allowed any personal space is awful.

My marriage broke done at least partially because of how much everybody always needed me, I lost myself and H and I lost connection to each other .

So, I repeat, looking after yourself is absolutely crucial to holding everything together. I wish I had recognised that about 10 years ago

I'm with you on. If parenting were a job, I would have handed in my notice by now. I'm definitely crap at it.

I feel like this a bit from time to time... i certainly did when I worked less and was home more. I stopped that, got more childcare, got a bit more back into my career, exercised a lot and felt generally better. Not always, some days are so so hard but others are now fun, less relentless, it's more balanced.

The thing that made me stop and think was my own mum. She told me (reminded me) she used to hide in their utility room when I was a child and cry. I wasn't a bad / naughty / difficult child (just normal according to her) but my brother was hard work. We squabbled all the time between age 5-15. It must have been hell for my Mum. I never thought of it until she said it and I realised that now we have a wonderful relationship, no one squabbles and there is a lot of joy. I am grateful to her for doing all she has done for us because now, at 36 i know how bloody hard it is. She also worked (ran her own business) and was the breadwinner and sorted all the house 'shit' out. I don't know how she didn't lose her mind but it reminds me that one day I will be thanked (i hope) when my kids grow up and realise how flipping hard work parenting is! I look after my mum now as she deserves it and I hope my kids will me!

Yes to all this. and Spudlet yes with the being touched. I constantly feel like my personal space is invaded, and even when I’m in the shower or the loo they find me...

You feel like you can’t get it right, you either give them too much attention or not enough, you discipline them too much or not enough, they’re too dirty or too clean, you can’t win!

And as for self care - you then get judged by the older generation for daring to take some time for yourself.

I find the anxiety hard since mine started school and just not knowing how her day is, worrying if she's ok in class, has someone to play with, if I've remembered everything I need to remember, if I contact the school too much, if I do enough with her, if I do too much with her, why she's badly behaved at home, it's non stop worry and guilt and I find it exhausting. I'm not sure I'm mentally strong enough sometimes.

Me too. Just bloody sick of it today. Deleted my longer reply as I was sick of writing about it all too!

School age children = non stop bloody worry at the moment.

I do remember feeling 'touched out' and thinking of them as 'the little manacles'.

THE GUILT

They have probably grown up with an unexplained dread at the smell of polish and bathroom spray, because my worst days were those when I was condemned to clean our living space yet again. If there is one thing that makes a person unlovely, it is the mess they leave behind them before cleaning day!

There were bright spots too - just never on cleaning days.

I found that trying to say 'yes' as often as possible worked well. It is amazing how often 'no' was the answer I reached for first !

OP I could have write this, I feel exactly the same. 3 dcs - 2 SEN - and a H with depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts. I do everything for all 4 of them - H is in effect another child. I am constantly trying to keep on top of them, their needs, the house, finances, work, debt. It is never ending and I am constantly tired, worn out and exhausted. I don't feel Like a mum - I feel more like a carer

My youngest 2 are 13 and 14. I'm 52 and have been a mother for over 30 years. I'm quite happy to admit that I'm looking forward to my teens growing up and leaving home. I'm their Mum and I love them of course but I can't wait for my house to be just mine one day.

OP you are definately completely normal. It's a bloody long and thankless task most of the time.

I don't have kids and don't pretend to relate or understand. I recently, however listed to an audiobook called 'The Untethered Soul'. As an audio book you can have it on in the background whilst you are doing housework etc. It really helped to change my perspective on life. It helps you to ignore the constantly critical mind - which makes you feel guilty, fearful and unhappy. Just a thought, I suffer from anxiety at times and it really helped me just live life without constant fear and worry.

I was so naive before I had kids - no experience of little ones. I knew there would be tidying feeding and cleaning but didn't realise how constant it would be.

Going to work in the mornings - I thought it would be a simple case of getting kids dressed for nursery etc. Like dressing a wee doll. Instead I've one eye on clock as will miss train to work (again) and both kids are dancing about without pants on 10 before I need to leave thinking it's hilarious. 20-30 times repaying "get your clothes on".

Then 20-30 times "come and brush your teeth"

Then 20-30 times "get your shoes on"

Then 20-30 times "get in the car"

Then dealing with wee girls who don't like how you've done their hair or that you didn't have time to paint their nails this morning or that the seam on their tights isn't exactly straight.

Go to work.

Repeat the same of routine in reverse from dinner time to bed.

I adore them. They are hilarious but they are demanding.

"Mummy, mummy,
Mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy" is all I hear. I want juice, I want bread, I want an apple constant demands!

Someone recently said "I was the best parent before I had kids".

So true.

I'd see nieces and nephews defying their parents and then I'd ask them to do what they were told and they would and I thought I had the magic touch, had it cracked....not realising that kids generally listen to people who aren't their parents (even out of politeness).

I had loads of patience - not realising that getting a full 8 hours without two small kids kicking me in bed, eating a leisurely breakfast helped me wake up refreshed.

I thought keeping a house tidy was easy - not realising that you tidy and then kids return home and turn it into a bomb site within 5 mins.

Ate home cooked healthy food then realised my kids hate fresh expensive fish pies, vegetable soups...but love mash, beans and fish fingers.

Wouldn't change it for the world but by god I find it tough sometimes.

One last - before I had kids I thought that when I did I'd keep myself smart and trim- be glam.

Not realising that these days it's enough that my work clothes are clean, I don't have smudged mascara by the time I get to work or dog hairs on coat and a few chocolate hob nobs of an evening is the biggest treat of my life. I look like sh*t.

Yes I feel exactly the same (dc 10 and 8). The constant misery, whining, rudeness, arguing and defiance is really getting me down atm. I am shouting a lot and being the parent I didn’t want to become.

Yesterday I woke feeling awful on how I’d handled the day before and vowed to start afresh and keep calm and in control. I did manage it albeit only for the 1hr 15 mins we were together before dropping at breakfast club but it was a small win esp as the youngest dc was trying to push my buttons and I kept calm and in control. I went to work feeling I had been the parent I wanted to be and not unhappy. I just need to be constantly reminding myself of what parent I want to be before I deal with them and enforce my rules and consequences consistently which I forget when I’m wound up and in a rage and is where the wheels fall off.

The school stuff is relentless. The only way I stay in control of it is to add an event/reminder to my iPad calendar with reminders x hours/days before to prep for it. But have not been doing it recently and am now in a muddle and need to catch up.

Yes I'm with you

The kids were away for a few days at Easter with DH (a rare occurrence). I lived a single life for three days. It was soooooo easy and peaceful. Really made me think about the contrast with the relentless hassle and stress and NOISE of everyday life with kids and how it utterly grinds you down.

The constant bloody bickering, whining, mess, laundry, moaning about what I have cooked, grumping about being asked to help, having to ask 20 times for them to do anything. I hear you OP, it’s soul-destroying.

YANBU kids are a pain in the arse. Stop wasting time reading parenting books and worrying though. Boot them outside to play. Look up The Organised Mum Method - gets your housework done in 30 minutes a day so you aren't relentlessly cleaning.