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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely sick of being a mum

287 replies

Anonmcnon · 17/04/2018 19:31

I’m sick of the defiance, the not doing things until the 20th request, the constant noise and bickering, the meltdowns over homework, the joyless drudgery of keeping the house tidy/clean only for it to be messed up almost immediately.

I’m sick of the pressures from school, the endless worry about kids not doing well enough, the guilt that i’m not doing enough work at home with them. The guilt that i’m doing too much with them and ruining their childhood.
The guilt that i’m too unmotivated to play with them, read to them etc.
The constant grinding guilt of failing them as all i do is shout and moan.

If i’d known it would be like this i would have known my limitations and stayed childless.
I’m tired of reading parenting books and not finding any solutions.
Can anyone relate to feeling like a completely useless parent?

OP posts:
proudmum4 · 17/04/2018 20:57

Well I've been the same today and I put them to bed had a bath, only to lie there bloody crying with guilt !
Horrible feeling

bookworm14 · 17/04/2018 20:58

Right there with you. It is relentless - and I only have one.

jasjas1973 · 17/04/2018 21:06

Jeez! am i only the only one who has really enjoyed (and still do) being a parent?
And i 'm male, supposed to fcuking useless lol!

PoorYorick · 17/04/2018 21:07

Do you do as much active childcare as the mother of your children? I think it does make a difference how much time away you get.

Hippee · 17/04/2018 21:09

This is me, exactly. Plus a DH with depression - feeling utterly joyless at the moment.

Applejack70455 · 17/04/2018 21:11

Totally get it on the Groundhog Day thing. I posted on a similar thread last week! I have to have things planned to look forward to or I feel utterly joyless and ground down. And I only have one child!

Trying for a second but I read threads like this and think - hmmmmmmmmm

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 17/04/2018 21:12

I agree....it gets much worse as they get older....you can't 'control' them anymore IYSWIM ? I have 2 adults and 2 teenagers...I'm tired...really tired....A pp said about prison...oh god yeah...I could do with a rest !!!

Steeley113 · 17/04/2018 21:13

I’m with you.

I just had my 3rd and finding the whole having to be 10 steps ahead all the time exhausting (along side the sleepless nights). I love being a Mum and my kids but my god, it is relentless. And the guilt can be crippling!

Belleende · 17/04/2018 21:13

anon i am currently on maternity leave with my second child, so a toddler and a five month old. With DD1 I started to go back to work at 6 months this time round I am taking the full year. Five months in and I can honestly say I am not cut out to be a sahm. There is no way of knowing if you are doing a good job, and I think very easy to fall into thinking that you are doing a crap job.

At work I lead a team of (mostly) sentient adults. They tell me how I am doing, as does my boss. I can set clear expectations. If they are not met, I can talk to my team and support/encourage/chastise as appropriate.

My toddler is an enigma. Am I raising her well? Not a clue. Do I get feedback? Yes lots, but differs widely from minutento minute. Do I find it stimulating. Hell no, it is boring and thankless. Do I find it joyful? When it is, it really is, but mostly it is a grind.

If I was solely a sahm and didn't have work, I think I would really struggle to value my worth as a person and would go to the default of thinking I am a bit crap. If this is you, you might want to think about going back to work (if you don't). While I am actually at work, my idea of good parenting is being very thorough in choosing childcare and making sure I have a good relationship with the provider. Paying for this frees me to be good at other stuff, which energises me for the weekends.

Being a sahp is a real act of selflessness, and sometimes that is just not right for the individual.

caringcarer · 17/04/2018 21:14

What about getting out with the kids and having fun; going to a theme park, a day at the beach or something where you can relax and laugh with them. Make time everyday just for you even if it is only 45 mins, when you are not with them and can relax. Do you have a parent who can have them for a sleepover occasionally? Talk to kids and tell them if they helped you with the jobs you would be free to take them swimming or somewhere after school. They are old enough to do small jobs and should not be making too much mess.

frumpety · 17/04/2018 21:15

I'm glad I've got them but I do think they deserve a nicer, more capable parent

Hah ! no they don't , make them earn the nicer, more capable parent Grin

PerfectlyDone · 17/04/2018 21:16

Motherhood is severely missold IMO.

I am with you 100%, OP.

I love my lot fiercely and we are now past the toddler years, but ye gawds!!

I realised when they were younger that meticulous self-care is the opposite of selfish: it absolutely vital for my survival. And if I survive my brood are more likely to survive Wink.

I don't think that my H ever understood the pernicious combination of feeling bored AND stressed AND guilty about not enjoying our really rather marvellous and hard-won children more.

Having said that, I do also enjoy them. At times.
Should've known my limits and stopped at 2, rather than had 4

Steeley113 · 17/04/2018 21:17

I find even doing ‘fun’ stuff a chore. Like a trip to a theme park would be hell for me! They’d get fed up and whine in the queues, they’d probably bicker and make me threaten to take them home 10 million times (but I won’t coz I spent a fortune on going). I’d rather just play Lego or in the garden...

iwanttobeatree1234 · 17/04/2018 21:18

I wish I was able to have children!!

Raines100 · 17/04/2018 21:19

Another who thinks you might be me.

NameWithChange · 17/04/2018 21:20

Yes, yes, yes.

I find when it gets too grinding it's normally because I have lost care of myself in it all.

The last 2 nights I have retired to bed early with a beer and watched stuff on iPad quietly in bed. Amazing what a bit of time to myself can do!!

jasjas1973 · 17/04/2018 21:21

Do you do as much active childcare as the mother of your children? I think it does make a difference how much time away you get

Assumptions! that would be difficult as she died suddenly when our child was 11months old, so yes i do understand that children are more than bath times and fun down the park/swimming pool.

It was 17 years ago and i have absolutely loved it, in many ways it was the making of me.

It is hard but i ve found it very rewarding too and the up's have def completely out weighed the downs.

Having said that, i had a fantastic employer and my Mum helped me a lot esp the first year, i was a mess.

PoorYorick · 17/04/2018 21:24

No assumptions, that is why I asked. It was a genuine question. I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy.

PerfectlyDone · 17/04/2018 21:31

I just spent a long weekend with a friend who is over 50, her partner died of cancer before they had a chance to have children.

We were both v honest about our respective situations and we both had to acknowledge that being childless (when not by choice) or overwhelmed by the demands of parenthood both had their own unique challenges. AND advantages.

The pain an overwhelmed parent feels who is at risk of totally losing themselves is not trumped by the pain of infertility. It's not a competition. And while I cannot begin to imagine what it must feel like to lose a child, the cross one person has to bear does not become any lighter because somebody else's cross is heavier IMO.

PoorYorick · 17/04/2018 21:33

Excellent post, PerfectlyDone.

I would just be sensitive about it, as I'm sure most people are. So I have a right to whinge when I've had a bad day as a parent, but I wouldn't whinge to my friend who's currently having IVF.

Original poster
Anonmcnon · 17/04/2018 21:36

Wow it’s not just me then!
A previous poster hit the nail on the head about me being bored and unfulfilled. I know I am but I’m just too tired, bored and frazzled to do anything about it!
My current job is one with the minimum of stress, but very boring and predictable. Which has led to me feeling like I’ve underachieved which piles on even more guilt and regret. Oh dear, seems we can’t win!

OP posts:
JoeElliotsMullet · 17/04/2018 21:36

And another.

The bickering, the mess, the whining, the endless fucking drudgery, the repetition, the questions, the constant "Mummy. Mummy. Mummy. Mummy, look at me Mummy!" , the toddler who is constantly taking her clothes off (I wouldn't mind but she did it in the garden last week when it was 5 degrees above freezing), the strops and backchat from the 5-going-on-13 year old... Everybody always bloody wanting something from me from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed and even then the cat will venture out from her hiding place to stand on my face and demand food at 3am. ARGH.

christinarossetti · 17/04/2018 21:43

"Everybody always bloody wanting something from me from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed and even then the cat will venture out from her hiding place to stand on my face and demand food at 3am. ARGH."

Yep.

Enthymeme · 17/04/2018 21:47

I rather suspect you’re a great mum and probably don’t need to try so hard. You obviously care enough to find it hard. I sometimes wonder if those who find it easy (excluding the supermums) aren’t doing it right.

megletthesecond · 17/04/2018 21:47

frumpety I'm going to write this on my white board "..make them earn the nicer, more capable parent" Grin.

It's funny but they do notice how calm the house is and how much nicer I am, and how much fun we can have when they haven't been raising hell non-stop. Sadly they forget it 99% of the time and run amok.