To be absolutely sick of being a mum

[Anonmcnon]

I’m sick of the defiance, the not doing things until the 20th request, the constant noise and bickering, the meltdowns over homework, the joyless drudgery of keeping the house tidy/clean only for it to be messed up almost immediately.

I’m sick of the pressures from school, the endless worry about kids not doing well enough, the guilt that i’m not doing enough work at home with them. The guilt that i’m doing too much with them and ruining their childhood.
The guilt that i’m too unmotivated to play with them, read to them etc.
The constant grinding guilt of failing them as all i do is shout and moan.

If i’d known it would be like this i would have known my limitations and stayed childless.
I’m tired of reading parenting books and not finding any solutions.
Can anyone relate to feeling like a completely useless parent?

I should have stuck to labradors, instead of children.

I tell my kids this all the time 😂

Regarding homework, it's not your battle, allow natural consequences.

I used to remind mine to do their homework after dinner and offer help if needed and that was it. If they didn't do it they'd get lunchtime detention, not my problem. They're now 16 and 14 and always do their homework with no prompting from me.

@bluesot

My life.

I found mine far easier when they were little. Physically more demanding, but emotionally far easier. I find no joy in parenting anymore and truly wonder whether it was the right choice. All those years spent at soft play/music classes/petting farms, they don't remember any of it! I should have just sat on my arse in my dressing gown watching Jeremy Kyle and eating their chocolate buttons

I do completely get where you are coming from OP. I have 3 children and work part time in a responsible and stressful job.
Reading your posts you do come across as being quite negative, this is understandable but can lead to a cycle and pattern of negative thinking. I’d scrap the parenting books, which I’m sure will fuel guilt, but I’d urge you to consider looking at doing some mindfulness awareness. There’s lots of info about it on line or via apps. It may help you to focus less on negatives and more on small steps you can do day to day to feel happier.

Ordinarily I am ok with being a parent these past couple of years. It definitely got easier once ds was at secondary school. He is now 13 so apart from teenage strops and the general ingratitude things have improved.

I am in a very stressful phase with work adjustments however so I am not coping with life well right now. I know how I am when I get stressed with being on the spectrum but I realise this will pass. So I do see light at the end of the tunnel.

In a month or so I will be feeling less burdened. Things can get to you though so I do understand.

In spite of the problems children bring I am still pleased I have one as my parents are dead and I have no siblings.

We all have had that day or days. Hang in there, I am sure it gets better somewhere.

I have a preteen so my actual hell is probably starting in a years time.

YANBU I hate being a parent. I'm so fucking tired and worn out.

I would still argue they get easier as they get older. Just different needs now ds is 13 but things are improving steadily. Apart from the moods and the strops.

My parents didn't play with me or read to me and I did really well. Cut your self some slack OP and let your children do more for and by themselves

And stop being such a martyr. Do more for yourself and make them responsible for chores including tidying their room, putting their washing in the right place, washing the dishes, laying the table, taking the trash out. I wouldn't worry about homework, imo they are too young to be doing regular homework anyway.

Dunno...
I thought it would get easier - and of course in many ways it has - dc are now 14 and 9 so not so needy (hah!)
But I am now in Peri menopause and looking after my frail elderly mother too
So in many ways my life is just as hard as when they were little...just for different reasons iyswim?
Sorry that ^ may not make sense...its early! :)

Three kids here. All entering into or in teenage years. In the same way they don't need me as much, but the emotions, schooling, peer pressure, mental health issues, circumnavigation of forming friendships/relationships and of the freedom they sometimes want is terrifying.

I hit the ground running most mornings dealing with strops arguments and then onto my own stressful job, not to mention feeding the various animals they all wanted and now can't be arsed with ( although I have taken more of a stance on that one of late). Often working through lunch because I have an absolutely crazy job which, if I didn't work through lunch I would be late home. That's to combat the ever present guilt of not being there when they get back from school, which I never have been as I've always worked. Rushing home to see them to find they're hanging out with their mates anyway/dealing with the strange sense of abandonment, but wanting to be there for when they come back for tea.

Battling through homework and worrying about middle DS as he's twitching again which is always a sign that he's becoming anxious. Trying to talk to him and being shut down and told to stay out, whilst the other two connect themselves to devices, leaving me to worry about what they are looking at, who they are talking to. Not even having bloody bed time anymore, because you can't send a 15 year old up at 7pm and dealing with the moods, disrespect and surlieness of three lots of walking hormones.

I am bloody exhausted. Sorry that spewed out somewhat. I hear you op.

I asked my mum when you stop worrying about your kids, myself and sibling being 38 and 34. Her answer, I'll let you know.

How terrifying

I recognise a lot of what you are saying. My 10 year old has ASD and has regular meltdowns at school. She is bright but resistant to homework. The 7 year old is good at school but very dramatic and attention seeking at home. I get them to help but at this stage it would be easier to do it myself, but I persist homing it will eventually pay off.

Things that have reduced my stress:

Not worrying so much about homework. Particularly project work like posters. If something is handed in it’s good enough.

Not trying to do every single enrichment activity going. Also ignoring faff like the children’s university passport.

Going to an exercise class I love once a week, twice occasionally. It’s not enough but better than nothing.

I have an interest just for me. I joined a singing group and find I am actually reasonably good at it.

Hardly look at Facebook anymore, just the autism support and stuff relating to my hobby. I can’t see the other peoples perfect family posts now.

Planning and doing nice things with the kids. I get them involved with this.

Anon "If i’d known it would be like this i would have known my limitations and stayed childless. "

Totally with you on the motherhood starkly showing up my limitations.

I came to the UK from a different country, when the kids were 3 and 5, and found it hard to believe how competitive parenting is in the UK!

Everyone feels they have to cook from scratch, entertain their kids, read with them all the time, do educational stuff, make sure they are top set... it is exhausting!

I have become almost completely British over the years, but the parenting style is one thing I have held onto: benign neglect

I would take them to the park a lot, with a newspaper (not going down the slide with them!), lots of outdoor stuff. I did not even read with my kids (I read them stories, but never made them read until 6/7). Yes, it was sometimes hard as kids are hard work, but I never felt compelled to do all this stuff with them, or to be an amazing mum (I am not, anyway. I strive to be a "good enough mum") or to have kids who are top set in their reader group (triangles, apples, whatever it is called).

Mums in the UK put way too much pressure on themselves.

Let them get bored, don't go to softplay if you hate it, take them outside a lot, let them get bored again, give them a sandwich and an apple if you don't fancy all this "cooking from scratch", if they squabble, let them squabble and they'll learn to find their own solutions, ....and find time to do stuff for yourself too!

There you are, a lot of advice you did not ask for from a smug foreigner

Take a step back and breathe

I felt like this yesterday but I know it was just a bad day.My ds starts school in September and I feel a mixture of relief and sadness.I find it hard with one so imagine it must be even more difficult with more

Also I work with children and this is absolutely my best strategy and most effective strategy.

"No x until y and z is done."

Gives structure and boundaries both of which the immature brain needs.

So agree peanut about the competitive stressing and needing to support and help them - balance between supporting and being good parent yet not pushy / ensuring time to play etc.

Dh parents were blue collar workers didn't go to university themselves and literally no input into dh from 9 ish onwards he was entirely left to his own devices. Ended up at Cambridge (first in family to even go to university). And my primary was really dire and lots of people went on to massive success. So try to think these things when am in a lax phase.

Gosh. Totally agree with: some days you simply can't here 'mummy' (in my case, mommy - I'm American) another time. You really can't.

Also, I totally agree with letting the kids get bored and get on with things.

I think it’s fine to have an off day or even. Few off weeks etc like these Easter hols haven’t been the best due to the shitty weather
But I do worry that some of you have just got stuck in a negative frame of mind that you need to crack out of
And maybe should see the gp

Also lower your standards
I think your children will be happier if your happier
Which is more important that an immaculate home
I also think people need to prioritise what’s important to them
As there’s a weird pressure these days to be everything to everyone and perfect at everything
I think it’s better to pick one or two things that are really your key focus
And make time for yourself
It doesn’t need to be work but important for you to have some time for yourself
To do something for yourself
Something you enjoy

I can't complain. I have produced two girls (9 and 11) whose favourite activity is reading in the garden on sunbeds. We have binned "enrichment" stuff at the weekendsin favour of this activity. Not sure how good it will look on university application forms but sod it

No words of wisdom but I just wanted to thank the OP for posting this and the subsequent posts. This is EXACTLY how I feel. We've just come back from the Easter holidays and I feel totally drained by the relentless bickering.

I spend lots of time in Turkey and often compare Turkish parenting styles to ours here in the UK. It's a real eye opener.
Kids don't start school there until they are 6 for a start but they definately arnt spending their preschool days at baby and toddler groups being stimulated and entertained from morning till bedtime.
Nobody seems to be worrying about their children being bored or unstimulated. They also don't feel the need to be buying their kids everything that they want. They just don't see it as a priority. They are a lot tougher than we are when it comes to not indulging their children.
My Turkish brother and sister in law have 2 children and I find it quite amazing to observe them. They seem content, sociable, polite and happy to entertain themselves. In fact they are ignored by their parents most of the time. Their mum is a science teacher and their dad is a headmaster.

I hear you OP. I felt exactly like that yesterday. Hoping today is a better day for us both.