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Original poster

Wife pregnant and devastated

186 replies

AlwaysCalm · 17/04/2018 09:21

Last week my DW found out she was pregnant (Or at least has positive tests).

She came off the pill about a year ago as we had discussed and I thought agreed that we wanted a child, we were not stressing ourselves about what would happen as life is always busy and we are fairly laid back about things so it has just happened.

The look on her face when she told me crushed me, I could see she wasn't happy and we tried to discuss it when she said that she doesn't want a child, has no maternal instinct and doesn't want it to ruin our lives (I'm obv. paraphrasing but this was my takeaway).

We have been together over 10 years, married for a little over half of that and have had very few issues, when we first got together we talked about kids in the future and my DW opinion started as first a house and marriage and then kids, we got married and talked again about kids, my DW was less sure but said maybe in a few years. Fast forward a few years and we have bought a house and about a year later we agreed that she would stop taking the pill and well here we are....

We have had a couple of bad arguments in the last few days, somehow expertly managing to avoid the issue of pregnancy and just spiteful back and forth (Mainly my fault). I want to be able to sit down with her, have a proper conversation about what we should do.

The rather unfortunate position we have found ourselves in is that we are both doing what the other person wants, she knows I am desperate for children and will have one so I am happy but I know it will not make her happy and I do not want to lose her under any circumstances. I desperately want to sit down and talk to her about names, nursery and all that stuff but I can't. I cannot cope with how unhappy she is and just feel selfish about bringing it up.

This sounds awful I know but part of me wants her to say she just doesn't want to be pregnant and say she wants to abort or in my darkest moments that she miscarries or this is eptopic. I don't want this from selfish perspectives I just want her to be happy.

I don't know what to do and am so conflicted, I feel so selfish.

I know this is rambling but I don't know how to express this properly.

Also if I made my DW sound anything but amazing it was not my intention, she is my life!

OP posts:
TheLegendOfBeans · 19/04/2018 16:57

oh my god @morphene back the fuck off

ificouldwritealettertome · 19/04/2018 17:05

Oh, also, just wanted to add OP. I posted upthread about how I was scared too and it all worked out fine, but while I was thinking about this scenario I remembered something that has stuck with me. I wanted to share it with you.

I had really severe HG and was admitted to a ward for over a week. I was so unwell. I was in so much pain I contacted an abortion clinic just for a chat. When I told my DH he flipped at me and said "I won't let you kill our child" and wouldn't speak to me until the appointment was cancelled.

Our marriage rocked then. The most it ever has. And while I don't regret a single second of the pain now my DD is here- it could have been a very different story and I always would have blamed him.

Please tell her that you're on her side.

Thinking of you both OP Flowers

Original poster
AlwaysCalm · 19/04/2018 17:09

@ificouldwritealettertome
Thank-you for adding that :), I have tried to be really clear with her that I'm here for her and am just not pushing her at the moment. I'm here when she wants to talk and I will support her whatever she decides. I really do mean it as well and I hope she understands.

OP posts:
jammiebammie · 19/04/2018 17:09

What a difficult situation this must be for you both, and so hard for you not getting answers from your dw so it’s almost like you’re in limbo at the moment.

Is it possible to write her a (short) letter, asking to speak to her and to let her know you love her and will support her no matter what? I agree she sounds like she is in shock so she may not even know how to talk about it yet, but just knowing that might be comforting.

You sound really caring, and I’m sorry you are going through this. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to be in this position.

I wish you and your dw luck, whatever your decision.

jammiebammie · 19/04/2018 17:11

Sorry I posted before I saw your last update.
I think for now, that’s all you can do.
She needs some time, and as hard as it must be you need to let her have it.

Original poster
AlwaysCalm · 19/04/2018 17:15

@jammiebammie
Thanks :) I did consider a letter but F2F is much better for both of us, I wouldn't want to put pen to paper and write something that could be misunderstood.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysCalm · 19/04/2018 17:16

@jammiebammie
Cross posted again haha

OP posts:
jammiebammie · 19/04/2018 17:19

That’s true, text can be easily misconstrued. Are you both still taking but avoiding the subject, or is she not talking to you at all?

Dobbythesockelf · 19/04/2018 17:23

I had been trying for my first child for 18 months, I very much wanted to be pregnant. When I got the positive my dh was over the moon and I spent that first night awake just staring at the ceiling wondering wtf I had done. Pregnancy can be scary.
I know you say she won't talk but I would worry that the longer this goes on the more she is burying her head in the sand a little bit. You and her really need to talk about it, not just for your sakes but for the sake of the baby. My dh mum didn't really want him and she has made it clear everyday of his life. It's a very difficult situation to be in and I wish you all the best.

BewareOfDragons · 19/04/2018 17:36

Having scanned through, it sounds like you really, really want children OP.

If your wife doesn't, I think you need to seriously reconsider what you want to to do, tbh. I know you say you will put her first, but are you sure you won't regret that? As your friends have families of their own? And turn their attention to their own families and doing family things with them. And then, 20-30 years down the line, as your friends start becoming grandparents and have little ones to spoil and do things with again?

If that is how you envisioned your life, and your wife never did and wasn't honest, or if she has changed her mind, you really need to think about how you want to spend the next 5, 6 7 decades ... are you two enough for each other if you always wanted children?

Honestly, if she decides family life isn't for her, you may be better off parting as friends now rather than growing to resent her for it all later, which could well happen.

And in saying that, the decision to have the baby is entirely hers. Entirely. Women bear the brunt of having children, and the pregnancy itself can take quite a toll and will forever change a woman's body. Once she decides what she wants, then you need to think about what you really truly want out of life.

jammiebammie · 20/04/2018 19:51

How are things today, OP?

Original poster
AlwaysCalm · 20/04/2018 19:54

I'm going to be a daddy Grin

We talked a lot last night and again today.

The initial shock knocked her for six, becuase it didn't happen sooner she had almost given up on the idea. She is still scared of things discussed previously (Birth, being a good mum) she doesn't think she will stop being scared of these things but we have a midwife visit booked so we can talk about everything.

She wasn't talking to me or anyone else for the last few days and the reason she didn't want to talk to me was that she needed to think selfishly (which I understand) about what she really wanted.

She did tell me that she knows I am excited and can see it in my eyes, I bombarded her with crazy for a while but she asked me to stop for now as we step through this.

Thankyou everyone for your interest and your replies.

Just in case you missed it..... I'M GOING TO BE A DADDY!!!!!!!

Also @Morphene, she had already bought folic acid ;)

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysCalm · 20/04/2018 19:54

@jammiebammie Crossed messages again!

OP posts:
deadringer · 20/04/2018 20:13

It could be just shock as pp said. My dh and I talked about having a baby and I came off the pill, got pregnant straight away and I had really mixed feelings about it. Suddenly it was a reality, not just something to talk about and I obsessed over how it would change our lives and mess up everything we had. It's like what they say, be careful what you wish for. It's a weird feeling to have a human being growing inside you, it really is life changing especially when you are not fully sure you are ready for it. Anyway for me it was a phase and as the pregnancy progressed I realized I was happy about it. Hopefully your dw is just having second thoughts now that reality has set in. It will be hard for you to hold back your excitement and urge to talk about it endlessly but try to give her some space to work out for herself what she wants.

deadringer · 20/04/2018 20:14

Crossed post, delighted for you. SmileBearSmile

SukiTheDog · 20/04/2018 20:20

Ahh, wonderful news 💐

SirVixofVixHall · 20/04/2018 20:37

That’s such good news op. Smile

ConciseandNice · 20/04/2018 20:40

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!💖💖💖💖

justabunchofbunting · 20/04/2018 20:55

thats great OP congratulations to you both! Flowers

ajandjjmum · 20/04/2018 21:03

That's great - congratulations!

jammiebammie · 20/04/2018 21:07

Aw that’s wonderful news, I’m happy for you both.
Your wife will be able to talk to her midwife about her fears, it is normal for women to be scared and apprehensive about pregnancy and birth, some more than others.
The only thing I would add is to keep an eye out for her mental health during pregnancy, it can be a stressful time and with these fears and added hormones to the mix there is a possibility she could develop pre-natal depression, you’re probably well aware already but just thought I’d pop that in.

From the sounds of it you will be a very good Daddy, congratulations again Smile

FourOnTheHill · 20/04/2018 21:18

Congratulations both of you! I just wondered if she’s frightened about the birth still if you would consider her having a private midwife or doula? I had a private midwife for my first and she was INCREDIBLY helpful, knowledgeable and reassuring and she helped me have the kind of birth I wanted which was 100% not something that could have happened without her. For my second baby I had learned so much from her that I went with the local NHS caseload team who were fab but very busy, I didn’t need all the support second time round so it was fine. But if your DW needs support getting through the pregnancy and birth I can certainly recommend this route. Women do have horrendous birth experiences sometimes and sometimes this is inevitable but the fear of giving birth isn’t for no reason, the risks are real and can be reduced with more personalised care, if you can find the right person. I’m happy to recommend my midwife if you’re in the SE

BewareOfDragons · 20/04/2018 21:19

Congrats, OP. I hope you and your wife are very happy with you impending little one.

LeighaJ · 20/04/2018 21:20

Congratulations, glad to hear she got to the decision on her own, but one that makes you both happy. Smile

Now if I can offer one bit of advice, when she tells you she's exhausted like she's never been before and has days she can hardly function because of it she's not being dramatic or lazy. It's true!!! Sorry if the advice isn't needed, but it seems to be the biggest complaint from pregnant women about their partner not understanding how they feel while pregnant. Grin

Cornishclio · 20/04/2018 21:29

I think most women are scared and apprehensive when they first realise they are pregnant even if planned. It is such an unknown that it would be strange to be totally confident about it and not have doubts about various things. I am glad you and DW have talked and come to a decision. Well done for backing off.

Also no two births are the same. I had two fairly straightforward births although my DD2 was induced due to high blood pressure. My DD2 had an EMCS for her first as she was breech and had an elected c section today for her second DC. Most of us forget the actual birth experience after a while so I hope the midwife reassures her on that.