Wife pregnant and devastated

[AlwaysCalm]

Last week my DW found out she was pregnant (Or at least has positive tests).

She came off the pill about a year ago as we had discussed and I thought agreed that we wanted a child, we were not stressing ourselves about what would happen as life is always busy and we are fairly laid back about things so it has just happened.

The look on her face when she told me crushed me, I could see she wasn't happy and we tried to discuss it when she said that she doesn't want a child, has no maternal instinct and doesn't want it to ruin our lives (I'm obv. paraphrasing but this was my takeaway).

We have been together over 10 years, married for a little over half of that and have had very few issues, when we first got together we talked about kids in the future and my DW opinion started as first a house and marriage and then kids, we got married and talked again about kids, my DW was less sure but said maybe in a few years. Fast forward a few years and we have bought a house and about a year later we agreed that she would stop taking the pill and well here we are....

We have had a couple of bad arguments in the last few days, somehow expertly managing to avoid the issue of pregnancy and just spiteful back and forth (Mainly my fault). I want to be able to sit down with her, have a proper conversation about what we should do.

The rather unfortunate position we have found ourselves in is that we are both doing what the other person wants, she knows I am desperate for children and will have one so I am happy but I know it will not make her happy and I do not want to lose her under any circumstances. I desperately want to sit down and talk to her about names, nursery and all that stuff but I can't. I cannot cope with how unhappy she is and just feel selfish about bringing it up.

This sounds awful I know but part of me wants her to say she just doesn't want to be pregnant and say she wants to abort or in my darkest moments that she miscarries or this is eptopic. I don't want this from selfish perspectives I just want her to be happy.

I don't know what to do and am so conflicted, I feel so selfish.

I know this is rambling but I don't know how to express this properly.

Also if I made my DW sound anything but amazing it was not my intention, she is my life!

Everyone has the oh shit moment when they see the positive test, I'm sure there'll probably even be ivf babies that got that reaction!

Doesn't mean you don't take her worries seriously but don't panic.

It's been a week. Slow down. She will be in shock. Even a planned baby is a frightening concept. Everyone undergoes a period of adjustment.

I know your plan to discuss 'everything' sounds admirable but honestly I think it's too soon. All she really needs to know is that you will love and support her.

She may find it helpful to speak to female friends/relatives who have children because they'll be able to relate to her mixed emotions.

I think you need to sit down with your wife and have a frank discussion. You can't both continue tiptoeing around the issue, one way or another there needs to be some sort of resolution for both your sakes.

I think you are trying to be fair to her and to be a good partner. I hope she is being as thoughtful about you- it's hard to say from your post. As others have said, it may be shock or just being hit by the enormity of the responsibility of parenthood. Perhaps once she's had time to think it through she will wish to continue. Of course, she may come to the opposite conclusion.

Obviously, the final decision as to whether to continue the pregnancy is 100% down to your wife as she is the one carrying the baby. That's only right. However, I think you also need to consider your own feelings on this too- it's not just your wife he is going to be affected and so you are allowed to have an opinion and you should be allowed to share that with her. Not to try and coerce her, but so she knows where you stand.

I agree with others who say it is unfair of her to have led you to believe she wanted children, if she genuinely didn't (which sounds possible). If she wasn't sure/changed her mind- which is a perfectly reasonable position to take, things do change- she should have been honest about that. If she had any qualms, then I would say she was unwise, at best, to stop using contraception. These are choices she made, and choices that affect you- I would be hurt in your position that my partner had been less than honest with me about something as important as the decision to have children. I think it is unfair (and selfish) to lead someone to believe you want children, when you have doubts/don't want to. Even if some of that is being in denial/unintentional.

At the end of the day, the past can't be changed, but you need to have clarity for the future. And if she genuinely does not want children, then you need to decide if this is a deal breaker or not. Good luck OP.

So she came off the pill deliberately, got pregnant knowingly and now she is actually pregnant doesn't want the baby? And you are hoping for an ectopic or an abortion, willingly using NHS resources?

Completely baffling.

Fear of giving birth is a totally rational fear. However, it is only a tiny part of parenting. She could have various types of support - a doula, or book an elective Caesarean if she finds that easier to cope with. No one can predict how the birth will go and sadly they can be awful.

Fear of life changing - well, what specifically is she worried about losing? Is it time for hobbies or is it lifestyle things like going out a lot/boozy lunches/general peace and quiet at weekends? What experience have you both of babies and young kids - do you have close friends or family where you can chat honestly about the impact of kids? Is there money for help around the house - either a cleaner or an au pair/nanny - or is that completely off the table? What family support do you have - are there grandparents or anyone who would babysit if you wanted an evening out? Is it fear of less money for eg holidays, clothes, hobbies? Is she worried about becoming physically less able - my sister does an unusual sport which requires a lot of upper-body strength and she is ambivalent about babies because she is worried that after a year or more off she would find it hard to work back up, not to mention having less time/money to devote to it.

Fear of being a bad parent - this one is tricky, because no one knows how they will parent until they do it. I was great with the baby stage but am much less great now that they argue and are irrational (this morning my 3yo stood at the door and argued that he wanted to take his sister's scooter to nursery instead of his own - he was doing it just to be annoying and waste time). I lose my temper a lot. I couldn't have predicted that, because I never lost my temper with my little siblings (20 year age gap, had moved out so saw them frequently but didn't live with them) - I underestimated the relentlessness of your own kids!

Good luck - I think the two of you need to talk through as much as you can about how life with a baby would look. If there are things she wants to keep doing, how could they be prioritised? Who would work and in what pattern?

I have nothing to add concerning the issues surrounding the pregnancy.

When I read your OP AlwaysCalm the first thing that came to mind was to give your wife a hug and tell her you love her, where ever the two of you go from here, you love her.

Best wishes to both of you

She might just need a while for it to settle in and get it straight in her head. Give her a bit of breathing room, say to her that you are, and you'll talk about it when she's ready.

I think you need to consider a few questions:

1. What will happen if you terminate the pregnancy - does your wife ever want children? If not, is that a deal breaker for you? Has she gone along with trying for a baby because she was scared to lose you if she said no? If that's the case, you need to be blunt with her and tell her one way or another. If you'll do whatever she wants and stay with her regardless, then tell her that. If not, then I'm afraid you're wasting each other's time.

1. What will happen if you continue the pregnancy? Will she end up resenting you and the child for changing her life so dramatically? Is it a risk you're willing to take? Not everyone takes to motherhood like a duck to water and some people never really enjoy looking after small children..

Either way, it sounds like you really love your wife. I think you just need to try and have a really honest and calm discussion with each other and lay your cards on the table, then see where you go from there. It really is a make or break situation, either you decide to go for it and have kids together, OR you decide to never have kids, OR, you decide you need to go your separate ways as you're not getting what you want from each other. I'm sure she doesn't want to stop you from being a dad in the future if that's what you want and she doesn't.

you said youll stick by her.if she was honest and told you she needed to abort how would you actually feel and then see your future.
could you email.write a note.let her know you want to sit down together at said time.and how about so you both feel listened to your bring a list of things you need to say to eacohter or discuss.often emotion in these situations can quickly overpower rational talk.so having something solid in writing that needs to be said can help.and help steer thing a bit in a vey har conversation
help her feel safe.stable.dont be like an over excited child wantig to plan a pregnancy but a dp first and foremost that wants to be there for her.
is she in shock.dont act or do anyting when its this new and raw.you need to really think and duscuss this.for the decisions you come to will change and forge you future.its one of the most importants ones of yor life.
could she be really shocked and scared.but you could help he rcalm.what would help her think about being a mum.what could help her picture that for the both of you.for the fear might just be makig her think of all the nagtives.and fear doesn't give a two sides argument all it ever brings is neagtives to the situation.

I don't mean to sound flippant but doesn't every parent worry they will be a bad one? Especially if your own parents weren't that great.

I was genuinely worried about being a shit Mum, my own Mum worked full time and pretty much raised 3 children without much help from my Dad (worked away a lot) and she was just exhausted so didn't really have time for us. I always felt like a nuisance to her. We were left to fend for ourselves a lot.

Even though my own children were planned (fertility issues so not straightforward) I still had a oh shit what have we done moment or days worth of that. I read up on everything I could parenting wise to try to be the best I could be, I chose certain parenting styles.

So you need to look at how you can prevent it ruining your lives, see the problem and work out solutions. ie what sort of support and help do you have close to you?

How old are you both?

Ultimately it is an awful situation to not want the same things, especially considering how huge this is.

Oh, you have my sympathy. Pregnancy is a rollercoaster of emotions. When I became pregnant with my son, even though I wanted to be, I remember feeling very sad, and scared. I think the feeling was akin to 'grief', knowing that my care-free 20s/30s were over. And I mourned that loss for a good few months of early pregnancy. But I did have a sense that 'everything would be ok' and I would be more sad if I ended a pregnancy. So I think those kind of feelings, ie loss/fear of change are normal. I think your wife, and you, probably need to work out whether it's that kind of 'loss/sadness' she's feeling or something more significant. And it may be useful for her to have that conversation with someone independent. A pregnancy counselling service for instance? Also, when I was pregnant for the first time, I kind of talked my partner into it. He was very reluctant to have children. I pushed him into it basically. I stopped taking the pill and told him. In effect, an ultimatum. And the inevitable happened. He was very freaked out when I became pregnant. Completely terrified. That unsettled me, a lot. But again, I had some kind of faith that it would be ok. And I didn't feel guilty - I think he needed to take responsibility for the decision (ie to have sex with me, knowing the consequences - I felt like we had been 'sleep walking' with indecision, up to that point). Anyway, I think we are all so used to controlling our lives that pregnancy comes as a shock to all of us, in one way or another. After our son was born, my partner told me "I was terrified of you being pregnant, now I'm just terrified of anything ever happening to our son." He is a fantastic dad, to him, and now our daughter... Rambling... but my conclusion is - mixed up feelings are normal. Professional help can help you to separate real, longer term feelings. Best of luck!

@Sistersofmercy101
I agree ref the abstract statement and about it being her body, the bungee analogy is good as well, I hadn't thought about it like that. I have zero intention of forcing her to do anything though, my concern is that she will plow on to make me happy and that scares me.
Counseling will not happen, DW had bad experience and will not return so thats off the table unfortunately.

Ref birth injury, I will read that thread.

@MadMags
I don't think she is being cruel, I genuinely believe that she was open to the idea (and maybe still is?)
I agree the shock is probably playing a large part in her reaction and obviously its something I cannot empathise with as its not my body that will go through anything.
If we had tried for years and it never happened then that would have been that, I chose my life with her not with her on proviso that there would be children.

@Loungingbutnotforlong & @Sistersofmercy101
I already do most of the housework so not worried about that, I am not a party animal by any stretch of the imagination so nights ou with the lads unlikely to be a problem :)

@YeahAndThenWhat
I don't think this is an email conversation, it has to be face to face.

@chocaholic73
Thankyou :) I'm probably brilliant about 20% of the time, bearable for 30% and an PITA the other 50%!

@YeahAndThenWhat
Yes, I know. It is me that tends to start the spiteful back and forth, I don't mean to but my brain disengages and I say things I keep bottled up. I don't ever want to do it but it seems that it starts and I cannot back out f it. I will be nipping this in the bud though as its a bad way to communicate.

@Aria2015 & @AgathaF
Most of my friends have kids but not hers. We are both very close to nieces and nephews although probably more so for me, she was and still is really close to her mum.

@SukiTheDog
The breaking out of the "what the other wants to hear" thing is what I am really stuck on, hence my earlier question, do I act nonchalant or excited? I think the list idea someone had is still the way I will go.

Thank-you all so much for all your comments, I have read through them all and if I didn't reply to you I still read what you wrote.

Just finished writing this and released there is a third page!

@ICantCopeAnymore
I'd suggest you go back and read all that was written and not just cherry pick words and then replay them back out of context. I said "I just want her to be happy" after the comment about termination, it is not what I want!

@TooExtraImmatureCheddar
I didn't know elective cesarean was an option? That is something she has talked about before. In terms of life changing, it is hobbies that could not be done whilst pregnant or postpartum for some period of time. That and thinks like weight loss which she has worked hard on "being thrown out the window"
Money is not an issue for extra services but as I already do the vast bulk of the work it will not be an issue. If it became a burden then getting in help would be no problem.

@Emmasmum2013
1: She knows (I hope as I have told her enough) that I am with her regardless of the direction life takes us. It came up when we discussed last week and the suggestion was made I should leave her and be with someone who wants children. I have told her she is more important to me.
2: That really scares me, I don't even know what to think about it.

@TreeClimbingMonkey
I unfortunately did have a bad mother, extremely abusive and frankly made my early years a living hell. To the outside world or anyone that would listen she was the best thing since sliced bread. My DW mother was amazing (and still is) both of our fathers died when we were infants.

@Goodenoughisgoodenough
I have thought about what would happen if she terminated and subsequently changed her mind. I don't know what would happen. One thing I am fairly confident about though is that if she terminated and subsequently changed her mind she would never tell me. I know her too well.

Thank-you everyone for your replies, I have read them all and thank-you for the suggestions and objective viewpoints.

Reading her why reasons is a little more reassuring.
#1 giving birth - i'm sure she could talk to a midwife or her gp about this genuine fear, they might be able to offer some reassurance. I'm pretty sure every pregnant woman fears labour. I hear epidurals are pretty effective though! Or they might even let her have an elective c section if absolutely necessary.
#2 Losing fun stuff. Life does change with a baby, it does. But she clearly has a supportive spouse in you, so she can still have free time. You can still holiday and travel with children, especially if there's only one child. Could she talk to a friend with children for advise? Depending on what she deems as 'fun', lie does go on! Having children is amazing fun. Relax, and be flexible. Children are capable of learning to go with the flow, it doesn't all have to be regimented and strict schedules of home by 4.30pm for tea, a bath and into bed at exactly 6.30pm - particularly when they're young.
#3 Not being a good mum. I think literally every GOOD mum, worries about this. Does she have a close family network to speak with? Loving your own child is extremely different to anything you feel towards someone else's child.

I think she's scared. Encourage her to talk, speak with close and trusted family and friends, particularly if they have children themselves. Best of luck, I hope it works out for you both

Gosh you feel overwhelmed now, due to a few postings, wait till your baby arrives - you will not have time to even think in the first few weeks.

Agree with Dairy - I wasn't maternal AT ALL until 35 and then got super broody from nowhere - having my children is the BEST thing that happened to me - fingers crossed the same happens for you and your wife. Be prepared to support her in every which way xxx

That and thinks like weight loss which she has worked hard on "being thrown out the window"

If that is an issue, many women don't gain too much weight.

She can still control her weight gain. Babies don't need that much more food. Only really in the 3rd trimester.

But children are a huge commitment, in terms of time, money, sleep, mental load. We may not even like them in the end!
We do need a biological urge to have children, because if we really thought about it, we probably wouldn't have.
So, it's not surprising that some people have less of that urge, or skip it all together.

Not sure where this is going, but it's a commitment that she will need to make (or refuse) and she probably needs time and peace of mind to decide.
Don't rush her.

Gosh I remember how scared I was when I got my positive test. I had stopped the pill, knew it could obviously happen but somehow thought it never would. I hadn't told my OH because I knew he would be delighted and worried he would pressure me.

It took some time to come to terms with it still had sudden anxiety attacks all the way through my pregnancy but of course totally fell in love with my DD when she was born and took on motherhood normally despite finding it extremely hard as DD suffered from bad colic.

Maybe it's the shock only maybe your wife is worried about the future of your marriage maybe she is really questioning her ability to be a mum. Whatever the reason she'll need space right now so let her have it. She'll come to you when she's ready to talk about it.

Probably going against the grain, but maybe she really doesn't want the child. All her reasons for not wanting it are valid ones. I don't think they should be minimised. I think she should be given total and guilt-free freedom to say 'I made the wrong decision and I will abort'. Her body. Her life. Her choice.

I think this is a very deep and serious issue that you shouldn't look for advice on the internet. You should sit down and openly talk to your wife. If you feel that there is communication barrier, you should both get family counselling which perhaps will put both sides in perspective. I believe that you love your wife more than anything and are ready to go along with whatever that makes her happy. She shouldn't have kids if that would make her miserable just to make you happy. Likewise, is it fair on you, being such strong paternal type and your soul resonating strongly with thought of having children, to agree not to have them just to make her happy? You keep calling yourself selfish for wanting kids, but isn't that what she agreed to and was willing to go for all these years, some might say mislead you? On the other hand, she might be going through massive panic attack of what parenting might bring and take away.

Just to add, I had a section because of a phobia of childbirth. I know more than anyone how scary it can be, but also that fear of childbirth doesn't mean you can't have a child, you just need to push to have the child in a way you (well your wife) can cope with. A planned section can often be a very pleasant way to give birth, and it avoids a lot of the scary potential birth injuries. It's worth considering.

Haven't read all the replies but I just wanted to post!

First, I think it's lovely you clearly care for her happiness more than your own, but yours does matter too and I can see you know this! Brave decision getting outsiders opinions as it's not always want you want to hear.

Secondly, I had a child to please my OH who originally always wanted a big family, I'm also not a naturally maternal person and kids feel me with absolute fear. I didn't truly accept the pregnancy until I was around 6 months gone.

Fast forward almost 8 years he is the light of my life and we are now having baby number 2.

From the moment he was in my arms everything changed and I really got angry for years with myself for missing out on the beautiful parts of pregnancy.

I think you could speak to her about booking in for an early private scan £60 or so, and tell her you need to discuss the options but would like her to see the baby first so she can truly know what she wants to do, and go from there.

Good luck!

Sorry you are in this position together .

I would ask her if she wants the baby.

Ask her what she is fearing etc.

let her know you'll support her either as it sounds like you genuinely would.

Good luck x

Don't assume though that you'd both be able to just carry on as usual if she decided to have a termination. It's something you'd need to discuss together, because taking away possibly your only chance for a baby, especially when it's so wanted by you, could lead to a lot of resentment in the future, and it's the sort of thing that builds and could easily break up even a very strong marriage. Just be careful.

I was in a position where for a long time my DH ( then my partner ) didn’t feel ready for children. This caused a lot of conflict between us as I am older, so I was frightened he would never feel ready and I would lose any chance of a child.
Anyway he thought long and hard about it, and decided he did really want children. We married and I got pregnant very quickly and then suddenly felt much more ambivalent about the whole thing...partly we had become polarised for so long in our positions, that I hadn’t expressed any of my negative feelings about motherhood. Partly it was just shock and the feeling of no choice left, as I wouldn’t have had a termination. It took a few weeks for me to relax into it, and to feel excited.

Your wife may be feeling a bit shocked and trapped. It does take time to get your head round it. I think you both need to talk about your feelings and to adjust. Obviously if she decides she absolutely does not want a baby, either with you, or ever, then that is a different situation. 

One of my friends was trying for a year for a baby but as soon as she got pregnant her partner changed his mind. He was in a total panic about the whole thing. He was fine once the baby was born but made her pregnancy miserable. Babies are a huge change, it does take time to get used to It, and some people take longer than others.

How long ago did she find out?

I've always wanted children and we were ttc yet when I found out I was pregnant I was horrified. I was shaking like a leaf and I imagine my face when I told my DP was much like your wives. I said something along the lines of "I've ruined our lives. This is terrible news". I even briefly considered a termination

It took me a couple of weeks to get my head around the whole thing. I think I was in shock so maybe if she's only just found out, your wife is too?