Wife pregnant and devastated

[AlwaysCalm]

Last week my DW found out she was pregnant (Or at least has positive tests).

She came off the pill about a year ago as we had discussed and I thought agreed that we wanted a child, we were not stressing ourselves about what would happen as life is always busy and we are fairly laid back about things so it has just happened.

The look on her face when she told me crushed me, I could see she wasn't happy and we tried to discuss it when she said that she doesn't want a child, has no maternal instinct and doesn't want it to ruin our lives (I'm obv. paraphrasing but this was my takeaway).

We have been together over 10 years, married for a little over half of that and have had very few issues, when we first got together we talked about kids in the future and my DW opinion started as first a house and marriage and then kids, we got married and talked again about kids, my DW was less sure but said maybe in a few years. Fast forward a few years and we have bought a house and about a year later we agreed that she would stop taking the pill and well here we are....

We have had a couple of bad arguments in the last few days, somehow expertly managing to avoid the issue of pregnancy and just spiteful back and forth (Mainly my fault). I want to be able to sit down with her, have a proper conversation about what we should do.

The rather unfortunate position we have found ourselves in is that we are both doing what the other person wants, she knows I am desperate for children and will have one so I am happy but I know it will not make her happy and I do not want to lose her under any circumstances. I desperately want to sit down and talk to her about names, nursery and all that stuff but I can't. I cannot cope with how unhappy she is and just feel selfish about bringing it up.

This sounds awful I know but part of me wants her to say she just doesn't want to be pregnant and say she wants to abort or in my darkest moments that she miscarries or this is eptopic. I don't want this from selfish perspectives I just want her to be happy.

I don't know what to do and am so conflicted, I feel so selfish.

I know this is rambling but I don't know how to express this properly.

Also if I made my DW sound anything but amazing it was not my intention, she is my life!

However, no woman should be guilt tripped into giving birth to a child they don't want. I totally agree and I am thinking from the child's point of view, here.

I knew a couple who had never wanted children but then converted to a religion where they felt it was a religious duty to have them. Their little boy constantly did what he wasn't supposed to do because that was the only way to get his mother's attention. It was heartbreaking.

Just read this whole thread and really feel for both of you, op, I hope after your conversation tonight that things are a little clearer for you both.

If I were in her shoes I would want to hear that my DH, though himself very keen to become a parent, understood that it was entitely up to me to decide whether or not to have a termination; and (if true) would still love me support me if termination was what I decided to do.

Hi OP

Not really got any advice but we were in a similar situation. Came off the pill with the attitude if it happens it happens...and it did... weeks later. I was in absolute shock, I cried so much when I told my husband that he thought something terrible had happened. I couldn't tell anyone without bursting into tears. I hated every second of being pregnant and worried I wouldn't love the baby (I am awful with babies and kids in general, and still am with other people's). Even though we knew the sex, the baby was referred to as 'it' for 9 months.

We had serious doubts about what to do but decided to go ahead with it in the end...and it all worked out fine. As soon as the baby arrived my doubts disappeared. Not that this would happen for everyone but that was our experience. It's still hard though and I do sometimes mourn my old life.

I think I just found the whole thing so overwhelming - me and my husband had always done everything jointly and suddenly I felt all this responsibility and was so resentful that it was all down to me. In an instant everything had changed and I don't think my husband could grasp how burdened I felt with the whole thing, how much I worried about my life / body / career changing and how much i hated having to modify my life the second i got pregnant (food, drink etc) and how hard it was to see him just carry on as normal. In all honesty I'm not sure there was much he could have done other than maybe acknowledge how difficult I found it and it might have been nice if he'd joined me in the not drinking etc...but I think I would have still been in shock and upset what ever he had done and I just needed to get through it.

No solutions or easy answers just wanted to share incase it may help shed any light on what is going on in her head

My mum admitted a few years ago that she had me so that my dad wouldn't resent her in later life because he wanted kids and she didn't. Trust me when I say I knew this every day of my life before she actually said the words.

From the baby's point of view it would be better if she didn't have it if she doesn't want it.

Given the demographics of this board, there are going to be faaaar more cases of "I was scared but I went ahead and it is the best thing that ever happened" than either "yeah - BIG mistake" or "I terminated".

@Spartacus. I’d did both. I got pregnant at 25 and found out 8 weeks before the wedding (dress, church, reception, cars, flowers ALL arranged and deposits paid). My fiancé said he didn’t was a baby than, that the timing was all wrong and sulked until I agreed to a termination. I called off the wedding and ended that relationship, obviously. I then went on to have DS with my husband but, I was 38 when I had him and felt rather too old for it.

Good grief! The iPad autocorrect is crazy this morning....apologies for that jumble.

@TheLegendOfBeans & @Lweji
If it's a case of not wanting me rather than not wanting a child I would be fairly shocked, but maybe?

@HelenaDove
Yes, she is not forced to do anything at least not be me.

@SpitefulMidLifeAnimal
Woah! I have not done those things! Not quite sure why you think I'm trying to guilt trip her into anything.
Think you need to actually read the thread and all my other posts!

@Coyoacan
Same goes for you

@Dozer
I have already told her that.

Anyway, tried to talk to her, she's not interested in discussing anything yet so I guess I will just have to wait until she does.

Thanks for all the new posts

I have to be honest with you, @AlwaysCalm I loved my husband very much but he was wayyyyy too unsuitable for me to be able to trust to be a solid and dependable father and co-parent, hence me pulling the rip cord when i did.

Bluntly, this could be a “you” problem and not a “her” problem and you could be none the wiser.

Good luck. This seems a sorry situation for all involved. X

Always Hold yer bleedin' horses will you? If I hadn't RTFT, how would I know that others have suggested folic acid and an early scan (which you did say you would consider..). Not entirely certain how me asking "You're not going to..." has translated into "You are..."

Anyhow, I stand by my initial comment that it is plain cruel to make this woman have an early scan. It would amount to coercion if the only reason it was taking place was in the hope that she would change her mind.

Hi OP
Not sure if this helps you but I've been in your wife's position.
Stopped taking contraception and actively tried for a baby and the feeling I had when we found out I was pregnant was utter devastation. I had a termination many weeks later after trying and failing to come to terms with the idea.

Fast forward a few years and we decided to try again (as you can imagine after much deliberation- I wouldn't have terminated a second time) This time, when we found out I was pregnant it made me happy. Still scared etc but I was pleased and now we have a 6mo ds. I love him to pieces.

I never regretted either decision. I didn't find either the termination or the birth traumatic and DH and I are just as close as we have ever been.

I think what I am trying to say is that whatever you both decide to do, it can be ok. And life can be good again.

Having an early scan is one thing, not taking folic acid is crazy if you have any intention of carrying on the pregnancy.

it is risking serious health issues if you don't take folic acid in the first 12 weeks, while the spinal cord is developing.

This is NOT something to delay to avoid causing offence!

There is nothing to stop you terminating after taking the folic acid, but refusing to take it until you are certain you are carrying on is madness.

I may be misunderstanding but did you say your wife didn’t get her positive pregnancy test until her period was 3-4 weeks late?

If that is the case then maybe she was scared to take a test because she knew she didn’t want to see a positive result?

Most women who are trying for a baby are taking pregnancy tests the day their period is due, if not before, because they’re so excited about possibly getting a positive result.

Apologies if I interpreted your post wrong.

With my current baby me and DH had agreed to try for a pregnancy but it was much more so me who wanted it and it took me a good 9+ months to convince my husband that we should try for a baby. The months rolled on and I wasn’t falling pregnant so we just sort of forgot we were actively trying and it because something we viewed as “it may happen or it may not” and getting pregnant no longer became our main aim or our focus.

After 11 months of my husband having agreed to try for a baby I finally got a positive test and I was beyond god smacked. I didn’t feel happy initially, I just remember my hands shaking as I read the result and it felt very surreal. One of my kin torture though was how was my husband going to react. It was always me that had pushed for a baby and due to him agreeing 11 months ago that we could try but nothing having happened I was scared that now it has happened he actually wasn’t going to be happy about the pregnancy. I was worried that in the time between him agreeing to try for a baby and the time I actually got pregnant he would have changed his mind. As it was I didn’t tell him I was pregnant for about 4 days because I felt so nervous about how he’d react.

You are clearly a very loving husband and I’m sorry you’re going through all this because it must be quite heartbreaking for you really.

As had been said, the reality of being pregnant is a whole lot different to just thinking about pregnancy - it hits you with such force and even the most wanted babies can put fear and sread into the woman about their new found reality.

Having a child is a huge deal and puts an immense amount of strain on a couple. I remember once when things were so hard when the baby was about 4 months old, we were exhausted, we had no life, we argued all the time and all I could think was that my husband was going to turn around and say “Well YOU chose this” because having another baby had been my idea. He obviously didn’t say that, he never has and he never will, but we both always know that if it want for me we would have stopped after our first child and that having a second child was something I wanted, not my husband.

It’s impirtant you and your wife find a way through this because the possibility for resentment to develop is high here, either you resenting her for terminating or her resenting you because she agreed to have a baby to keep you happy (like my husband initially did with me).

A child should never grow up knowing they aren’t wanted.

If your wife really, really does not want this baby than you are going to have to find a way to accept that and give her the support to have a termination. If that is the outcome then I hope that as a couple you survive it because she sounds very lucky to have you.

There's a dangerous implication here that once she receives enough counselling or simply hopes it will be all OK in the end, then she will be fine about progressing the pregnancy and will thoroughly enjoy mothering. Why isn't anybody considering the possibility that she just doesn't want a kid? I agree, it was plain stupid to come off the pill if you didn't want to conceive. However, no woman should be guilt tripped into giving birth to a child they don't want.

This

The truth is your wife doesn’t want children and despite her irresponsible behaviour, she’s always known this. I’m guessing she’s avoiding you because she doesn’t want to face the reality that this isn’t just about her.

Society has a big problem with women not wanting children, more so than with men and the pressure can be enormous.

As much as you love your wife, I think that a significant part of that love is about your shared experience and your future shared experiences and children don’t appear to be an experience she wants to have. Whatever happens, you both can’t retreat back from the reality that you want fundamentally different things. Your wife’s decision not to use contraception was reckless but nothing compared to the recklessness of having a child she doesn’t want.

How do you normally solve relationship problems? I’m getting the uneasy feeling that hearing what you want to hear is a character trait that you both share.

Give her the space to make her decision because it is her body at the end of the day but you really do need to be honest with yourself about wether this is a dealbreaker. You say it isn’t but I think that’s more to do with you not wanting to accept the limitations of your relationship.

I can understand that she is not ready to talk about it yet (although in all honesty I think she's being a little unfair on you OP). I wonder if you might write her a little card or note or something, just saying what you've already said on here about loving her and wanting to be with her whatever she decides etc. Just something non-confrontational that she can read when she's alone and so she knows how you feel.

@TheLegendOfBeans
You're right, it could be me. Not sure what to do with that though if she doesn't tell me? If it is then that would again be awful to think she seems me that way :(

@SpitefulMidLifeAnimal
Said I would research the scan, that was all. I may as well read up on all I can that is relevant to the situation and not just blindly fumble my way around!
To be crystal clear I'm not making her do anything she doesn't want to, never said I would. I still don't understand why you think something either I or someone else has said implies guilt tripping her?

@ethelfleda
:)

@Morphene
I have made the suggestion to my DW that she goes to see the doctor so they can explain all the options/implications/risks etc.
At the moment she will not talk to me about it so I'm not in a position to suggest anything else to her.

@QueenofmyPrinces
Not sure what page it was on but I did explain that we were "trying, not trying" for want of a better phrase hence why missed period was the trigger.

@Isetan
"How do you normally solve relationship problems? I’m getting the uneasy feeling that hearing what you want to hear is a character trait that you both share."
Compromise normally, few problems are as large as this though. We loved the same house, wanted the same "big things". Problems are normally of the scale of forgotten shopping or unwashed dishes.

I have no idea if she does or doesn't want children at the moment, I have no idea what she is thinking, I literally have no idea at all. Until she is ready to talk to me I wont be able to do much else.

@AgathaF
I have made sure I told her I am there when she does want to talk.

Thanks again for the new posts.

There's a dangerous implication here that once she receives enough counselling or simply hopes it will be all OK in the end, then she will be fine about progressing the pregnancy and will thoroughly enjoy mothering. Why isn't anybody considering the possibility that she just doesn't want a kid? I agree, it was plain stupid to come off the pill if you didn't want to conceive. However, no woman should be guilt tripped into giving birth to a child they don't want

Yes. This.

What options, what risks?

Taking the recommended dose of folic acid doesn't require a trip to the doctors to sort out. There aren't any risks or side effects. (okay there are some details about other drugs preventing uptake that mean you may need a higher dose if you take anti-epileptics, or have a NTD history in your family - but that appears to be it).

Taking it significantly reduces the chances of neural tube defect problems such as spina bifida.

Symptoms of spina bifida can include muscle weakness or paralysis, incontinence of both varieties and the further risk of hydrocephalus causing brain damage.

This isn't something you need to have a long talk about, its something she needs to know and act on now.

Honestly I don't know which of you I think is being more of obtuse about this. There is having a panic at a pregnancy test and wondering what the hell you will do, and then there is sticking your head in the sand to the extent you won't take a vitamin tablet, risking unnecessary damage to the baby if you choose to progress.

Well, I'm no English teacher but I'll try to explain:

Someone made the following suggestion:

I think you could speak to her about booking in for an early private scan £60 or so, and tell her you need to discuss the options but would like her to see the baby first so she can truly know what she wants to do, and go from there

I pointed out that to do so seems coercive. It stinks of guilt tripping. I don't seriously need to explain why I feel like this do I? At no point did I say that this is what you had done. I simply said that to do so would be rotten.

I didn’t want children. I decided I would have my first child because I love my she deeply and knew how much it meant to him.

I was deeply shocked and just abig terrified once I am became pregnant. I just couldn’t believe I had done this to myself. I felt so vulnerable and covered up my feelings to everyone as they were all so happy.

At no point during my pregnancy did I feel maternal. I treated my pregnancy like an illness not a baby growing - but I did take care of my body and the baby with eating well etc.

Our baby was born and after the initial shock of her arrival the love I felt for her was like nothing else. It was like a switch and I have been may I say a devoted and happy parent.
I had another baby even.

You need to sit down and really talk about this, what is she most worried about, be prepared that she may say the things you dread to hear but please stay neutral and loving,

I am not promising a happy ending but you have one, you sound like a really lovely guy. Good luck to both of you

I love my dh deeply

@Morphene
I suggested she goes to the doctors generically not about the folic acid, I think you have misunderstood my reply.

@SpitefulMidLifeAnimal
I didn't ask you to explain, I appreciate you took the time to reply and took interest in the thread. Please can we just leave it at that.

@summerinthecountry
:) I'm glad things worked out for you and I agree we need to talk but its on her terms at the moment.

Thanks again for the further posts.

fair enough - so is she taking the folic acid or not?

I read your reply as saying you couldn't tell her about the folic acid because she won't talk to you about it.

Honestly, if you can't find a way to communicate about something as straightforward and important as taking precautions to prevent your baby born with a potentially debilitating illness then you genuinely might be better off not becoming parents.

I don't mean that in a spiteful way - I;m speaking as someone who has not found parenting at all easy, and often wishes I decided otherwise when I was where you are now. There are so many far harder things you will need to discuss and sort out if you have a baby. If you can't get this done then you really need to reconsider.