Wife pregnant and devastated

[AlwaysCalm]

Last week my DW found out she was pregnant (Or at least has positive tests).

She came off the pill about a year ago as we had discussed and I thought agreed that we wanted a child, we were not stressing ourselves about what would happen as life is always busy and we are fairly laid back about things so it has just happened.

The look on her face when she told me crushed me, I could see she wasn't happy and we tried to discuss it when she said that she doesn't want a child, has no maternal instinct and doesn't want it to ruin our lives (I'm obv. paraphrasing but this was my takeaway).

We have been together over 10 years, married for a little over half of that and have had very few issues, when we first got together we talked about kids in the future and my DW opinion started as first a house and marriage and then kids, we got married and talked again about kids, my DW was less sure but said maybe in a few years. Fast forward a few years and we have bought a house and about a year later we agreed that she would stop taking the pill and well here we are....

We have had a couple of bad arguments in the last few days, somehow expertly managing to avoid the issue of pregnancy and just spiteful back and forth (Mainly my fault). I want to be able to sit down with her, have a proper conversation about what we should do.

The rather unfortunate position we have found ourselves in is that we are both doing what the other person wants, she knows I am desperate for children and will have one so I am happy but I know it will not make her happy and I do not want to lose her under any circumstances. I desperately want to sit down and talk to her about names, nursery and all that stuff but I can't. I cannot cope with how unhappy she is and just feel selfish about bringing it up.

This sounds awful I know but part of me wants her to say she just doesn't want to be pregnant and say she wants to abort or in my darkest moments that she miscarries or this is eptopic. I don't want this from selfish perspectives I just want her to be happy.

I don't know what to do and am so conflicted, I feel so selfish.

I know this is rambling but I don't know how to express this properly.

Also if I made my DW sound anything but amazing it was not my intention, she is my life!

I didn't want children. But did agree after 8 years together to have a baby. Hated being pregnant. Devastated at how quickly it happened. Then I had dd. Everything changed. Now a sahm to 3. My husband had the snip in the end because I kept saying how much I love a big family. There is hope that this will have a happy ending!

@Elendon, not overwhelmed yet, happy so many people have put there opinion/advice forward :) I need the female perspective.

@Lweji
Perhaps need to sell her on the eating for 2 bit! I think thats going on the plus list :) (Joke!!)

@swingofthings
Sounds like a very similar situation to us except she told me straight away.

@YetAnotherSpartacus
I don't think there is a grain, I really want a full spectrum of input. I don't minimise any of her reasons, they are hers and all perfectly valid.

Also just want to touch on the last bit "Her body. Her life. Her choice." This upset me, not in a professionally offended kind of way but its the one area in life where as a man you have no control (Beyond conception). I'm not saying we should, just that I personally find this to be the most painful thing. Ultimately I have no choice in the matter. If I could swap places I would (I think).

@mummyfier
I'm asking for advice becuase I don't know what to do, I think advice is good no matter where it comes and I greatly appreciate the advice/suggestions received thus far. I still don't think she mislead me, I think we both mislead ourselves equally.

@Sleeplikeasloth
I don't want to push her, I don't want to push her away. I get what you are saying though. If she did terminate, I would be gutted. Not as gutted as I would be by losing her though. Thanks again :)

@user1492958275
I'll do some research on the early scan

@SirVixofVixHall
I hadn't thought about things that way, have a convinced myself I want children and my DW the opposite? Its certainly something to think about.
The part about making the pregnancy a misery really srikes home. The worst thing at the moment is that I am so excited and she isn't and I cannot be the baby mental person I want to be.

@Sals27
Last week 3 or 4 weeks late 2 positive tests.

@Marriedwithchildren5
Here's hoping :)

Thank-you all

It's my honest opinion that people are worried about giving birth, who are frightened, or who are worried about how this will change them should go for an elective C section.

It takes a huge amount of the randomness out of the process, and gives you a sense of taking control. There are still potential issues of course, but the worst possible birth outcomes (for the mothers not the babies) are taken off the table imo.

Does your wife deal well with pain in general? Different people have different sensitivity to pain as well as different sensitivity to painkillers. Maybe she is frightened because she knows she has a low tolerance to pain?

It might be nothing of the sort at all - but its worth pitching into the mix.

Just another thought, if you haven't been 'actively' trying so much, is she taking folic acid etc?

Does she know you're really happy about having a baby, OP? I ask because when I found out I was pregnant - accidently, as it happens - DP (now DH) didn't say much, and if anything was stoic rather than happy. So I acted like I wasn't keen either - focussed on all the negatives so he had chance to say if he didn't want to continue with the pregnancy. We skirted around the issue for a couple of weeks until I had a bleed. DH sprinted home from the station when I told him and was tearful when we were waiting for the scan. Luckily all was well with the pregnancy, but until that moment neither of us knew the other was happy about it.

Also just want to touch on the last bit "Her body. Her life. Her choice." This upset me, not in a professionally offended kind of way but its the one area in life where as a man you have no control (Beyond conception). I'm not saying we should, just that I personally find this to be the most painful thing. Ultimately I have no choice in the matter. If I could swap places I would (I think)

I get this OP, I think. I guess that coming to the end of my reproductive years in a female body I see it differently. For me, it's one of the few saving graces of being female. Being embodied as female has meant ridicule, harassment, being overlooked in workplaces for men, sexist assumptions about my aims and abilities, being reduced to tits and arse, pain, blood, fear, side-effects of all sorts of drugs ... so I kinds see having the ultimate say, in jurisdictions where it is allowed of course, over whether or not I subject my body to pregnancy as a small saving grace.

I have two children. Both very much wanted and planned but even so my initial reaction wasn’t excitement but panic. My sister said the same thing. For my first that spiralled into what I think what antenatal depression. It was so much to take in and I worried about all of it. I had huge arguments with my husband.

But pregnancy is long! That feeling started to go by 20 weeks and by about 25 I was happy and mentally prepared and I still had months to go. So do try to talk to her but she may just need time to think about it by herself and not want to discuss it at all at the moment.

my good friend could not do this, despite her first born being over 10 pounds and her vulva looking like the map of the underground as a result. Thankfully the second baby was just under 9lbs. It was still an awful experience for her.

It's my honest opinion that people are worried about giving birth, who are frightened, or who are worried about how this will change them should go for an elective C section.

I agree with you.

It’s a scary time. But it’s also, IME, the best thing that will ever happen to both of you. Tell her how excited you are - I bet she is too, she may just be shocked and scared. Lots of people are.

eldon - why couldn't she?

You sound really supportive actually. My husband was the same as in I got pregnant unexpectedly (was even on contraception) and I was beyond shocked and devastated. My husband however was delighted. It was hard as I was really in shock and spent the first months crying and considering an abortion.
When I say my husband was delighted I just mean that he really wanted a child... what was good was that he did not go on about it, although initially expressing joy. He told me he would support me and be by my side whatever I chose to do. And then he stopped trying to talk about it himself although did listen to me if I tried to talk about it.
I decided myself that I could not have an abortion, not because I felt maternal or like I really wanted the baby but because I really couldnt justify it to myself when it would have at least one parent who would love it and want it in the world.
I spent the whole of my pregnancy terrified and thinking that I would be the worlds worst mother.

My son is now 3 and he is the absolute love of my life. Ive honestly never felt as much love for anything or anyone. Im also pregnant (planned this time) with our second.

I dont know if you and your wife will be like this. But I can say that there is a chance her feelings will change and slowly become more positive. It is a MASSIVE MASSIVE shock to be pregnant when you werent really expecting it. Your hormones are everywhere, you feel sick you feel tired, you feel weepy.... its really hard to get perspective on what you actually want.
I would really just give her space and time to come to terms with this. Let her know you will be there for her no matter what but dont bombard her with trying to talk about the future as this could be very distressing for her. She needs to come to a decision herself about what she wants to do before she can properly discuss things with you and that may take time. Its very early days yet and she really will still be in shock.

@Morphene
She deals with pain pretty well, one of her hobbies is a combat sport in which she is at a very competitive level so she gets hit a lot and she deals with it better than I would!
No folic acid or anything, I think it was more a case of if it happens it happens and no proactive steps taken.

@oohyoudevilyou
This is my conundrum, if I'm as excited on the outside as I am on the inside she may well feel she has no choice, I have probably fallen more into the stoic camp so far although I have said I want children.

@YetAnotherSpartacus
Funnily enough I was talking about this exact thing with a (female) client the other week regarding women still being seen as a "risk to productivity" when they are in there 20s and 30s and how attitudes have and haven't changed. The sector I work in still sees women as either objects or just a distraction. Boils my pi**! esp as my DW works in that sector.

@Elendon
I was just reading some of the birth trauma threads and its horrifying! Going to read up on elective CS.

@Coastalcommand
I'm going to sit down with her tonight when I get home, I hope this is the case but I'm pessimistic

OP you are very kind and measured, I hope you find a way to both get through your decisions and thoughts well.

I just wanted t add that anyone who isn't shit scared and apprehensive when the find they are pregnant is not seeing things striaght. Unless you've already had a child or you've spent a lot of time and money on fertility treatment the only certainty is that there is a lot of uncertainty!

I for one couldn't really believe it was possible to procreate - it seemed to be taking things for granted and something 'other people' could do. I was quite surprised to fall pregnant instantly. I'd never spent any time thinking about being a mother until the urge suddenly came upon me! I'd certainly never held a newborn or expressed any desire for parenthood

good luck

If childbirth is really freaking her out, she can look into options for elective cesarean section. I was terrified of vaginal delivery and very relieved when my baby preferred sitting on her bum, meaning that I got a planned c section. My next baby will be another c section although I could easily have a vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) if I wanted to. There is no shame in it. Have a look at "Choosing Cesarean: A Natural Birth Plan."

You sound like a really good husband. Ultimately it's up to your wife whether to continue with the pregnancy. When she has made that decision it's up to you to decide if a life without children will be enough for you. No one here can help either of you make your mind up.

I would say though you shouldn't have to put on an act with your wife, tell her you're excited and thrilled. Maybe half the reason she's having a hard time is that she's finally giving you what you want and you don't even seem that bothered about it.

You sound lovely, I hope it all works out for you. Hopefully the hormones and the wonder of events like the first scan and the first kick will make your wife start to feel differently. This isn't just a baby, this is her baby and yours, and hopefully her love will grow.

Also I can really recommend hypnobirthing classes. They take so much of the fear out of labour. There are some wonderful videos on YouTube - Google Wise Hippo.

AlwaysCalm even in something exclusive to woman, like child-bearing, I don't think there's such a thing as a 'female perspective'. Your wife's perspective may well be utterly different to that of anyone of us who's replied. And for that reason I hope you won't be over-influenced by our own experiences. Sure, your wife's perspective might changeyou know better than anyone whether that's likelyand she might have a child and come to love being a mother. But if she's miserable being a mother the consequence for her, and most likely for a child, could be years without joy.

You both sound wonderful people and I wish the best possible resolution for ye.

I was also your wife. I've never been maternal and couldn't quite picture myself with children, however the thought of NOT having any also was somehow not quite what i'd imagined for my life. My DH, I believe always wanted children, but was also similarly unsure sometimes too just how much.

At 38, we stopped contraception, and honestly thinking nothing would happen, except 3 weeks later we found I was pregnant! I think the first 3 months I really was unsure whether I wanted to go through with it, but the overwhelming feeling was that I couldn't terminate now, this was our baby and we were responsible for her.

I think whilst this changed in the latter part of the pregnancy it didn't ever really sink in - and even when she was born, it took us a good few months to figure out what was going in. Fast forward to now however, with a beautiful 15 month old who is amazing, funny and adorable I know we made the right decision.

Not everyone is hugely maternal, not everyone knows for sure its the right call but if you're unsure, even a little bit then my advice is to go for it. They'll prove you made the right decision in the end.

It sounds like your DW is just overwhelmed with the enormity of the situation. Unless it is seriously affecting her mental health, she'll probably just need time to get her head around it.

@girlwhowearsglasses & @BuntyII & @ferntwist & @ushuaiamonamour
I'm beginning to think I come off better online than in real life, I may have to start communicating this way from now on!
The reason I'm a good husband is becuase my DW made me one, hence why I would never leave her, she literally saved me from myself.

@BuntyII

Ref the excitement, I'll talk to her tonight about how excited I am and see what her response is.

@Treacletoots
I think she is maternal, she just doesn't realise it. I see her playing with her nieces and my friends children and she is good with them and acually enjoys playing the crazy games they like. If there was even a risk of this impacting her mental health it would make the conversation far easier IMO.

Thanks all :)

I am so excited and am feeling like when I do talk to her I have to act differently, I don't want her to do something she doesn't want because I am desperate, my concern is that she will go through with it (assuming no issues along the way) to make me happy.

First of all, ask her, ask her how she feels and what she wants, and don't try to give her solutions or reasssurances, instead try only to listen to her answers. She might say different things to you at different times. My guess is that she is in a mess of conflicting feelings, I can't tell from what you are saying whether she wants a baby or not, she might not even know herself, she might have very mixed feelings about it all.

It is me that tends to start the spiteful back and forth, I don't mean to but my brain disengages and I say things I keep bottled up. I don't ever want to do it but it seems that it starts and I cannot back out f it. I will be nipping this in the bud though as its a bad way to communicate.

That is worrying. It may be giving her a hidden message that after all you are not a man who she is safe to have a child with, because she is pregnant and vulnerable and yet you are attacking her. If you cannot stop yourself starting these fights, if your response to this stress is being spiteful, then you may need some therapy or counselling yourself before you can be relied on as a father, especially given what you have said about your childhood.

Also just want to touch on the last bit "Her body. Her life. Her choice." This upset me, not in a professionally offended kind of way but its the one area in life where as a man you have no control

Sure, at this stage your wife can control whether to have a child or not, and you can't. But she doesn't control what kind of pregnancy she has, or what kind of birth experience, or how she will feel afterwards, or what kind of child you both get. Having children is an area where neither of you will have much control and you will both need to get used to that. She and you can make some choices, but in the end neither of you really control what happens. I think that's one of the scariest things about parenthood!

Anyway, I hope things go well for you

My DH could have written your post. We had years of trying and failing before eventually giving up, so when I realised I was pg last year it was a total shock. After all the years of disappointment I was seriously considering a termination, for all of the reasons that you've said your wife has. It took a few months to sink in, and I was aware how much my DH wanted this child. It is overwhelmingly terrifying thinking that your whole life, relationship, career, body and life plans will change forever and it honestly took time for me to get on board with it. Thinking about it, it wasn't until I was completely up front about how I was feeling with my DH that I started to feel more positively about this future; I needed to know that I genuinely had his support whatever happened.

I don't know you or your wife, but as everyone else has said, please do have an open and honest conversation with her.

Sounds like she's already ahead of me then ! Other peoples kids (did and still do) scare the crap out of me :)

Fingers crossed for you.

@Kleinzeit
"That is worrying. It may be giving her a hidden message that after all you are not a man who she is safe to have a child with, because she is pregnant and vulnerable and yet you are attacking her. If you cannot stop yourself starting these fights, if your response to this stress is being spiteful, then you may need some therapy or counselling yourself before you can be relied on as a father, especially given what you have said about your childhood."

Its a fair point, this is a very rare occurance though (Think 3 times in 10+ years), its not aggressive and not as bad as it sounds, more of a I said, you said thing. However it is something I will consider.