Wife pregnant and devastated

[AlwaysCalm]

Last week my DW found out she was pregnant (Or at least has positive tests).

She came off the pill about a year ago as we had discussed and I thought agreed that we wanted a child, we were not stressing ourselves about what would happen as life is always busy and we are fairly laid back about things so it has just happened.

The look on her face when she told me crushed me, I could see she wasn't happy and we tried to discuss it when she said that she doesn't want a child, has no maternal instinct and doesn't want it to ruin our lives (I'm obv. paraphrasing but this was my takeaway).

We have been together over 10 years, married for a little over half of that and have had very few issues, when we first got together we talked about kids in the future and my DW opinion started as first a house and marriage and then kids, we got married and talked again about kids, my DW was less sure but said maybe in a few years. Fast forward a few years and we have bought a house and about a year later we agreed that she would stop taking the pill and well here we are....

We have had a couple of bad arguments in the last few days, somehow expertly managing to avoid the issue of pregnancy and just spiteful back and forth (Mainly my fault). I want to be able to sit down with her, have a proper conversation about what we should do.

The rather unfortunate position we have found ourselves in is that we are both doing what the other person wants, she knows I am desperate for children and will have one so I am happy but I know it will not make her happy and I do not want to lose her under any circumstances. I desperately want to sit down and talk to her about names, nursery and all that stuff but I can't. I cannot cope with how unhappy she is and just feel selfish about bringing it up.

This sounds awful I know but part of me wants her to say she just doesn't want to be pregnant and say she wants to abort or in my darkest moments that she miscarries or this is eptopic. I don't want this from selfish perspectives I just want her to be happy.

I don't know what to do and am so conflicted, I feel so selfish.

I know this is rambling but I don't know how to express this properly.

Also if I made my DW sound anything but amazing it was not my intention, she is my life!

ShinyShooney makes a very good point and I think something you need to think about after this situation.

It is cruel to lead someone on, even if not intentionally.

I think maybe she is scared.
she can speak to her gp.

I think it would be good to talk through why she is reacting negatively. Is it being pregnant (which totally sucks) or giving birth (which may be worse) or is it being a parent? The first two, while bad are transient. The last would mean a total rethink!

Maybe ask her what she is looking forward to and what she isn't....a sort of neutral way to start a conversation about the pros and cons.

If she is worried about giving up a career then you being the stay at home parent might be a solution.

It may just be shock...or it may not.

You really do need to work out all the information before anyone makes any decisions.

You need to talk to your wife about how she's feeling, her hopes, her fears. A lot of women are panicked when they get that positive test, and the enormity of it hits them.
Most get over it, equally some others don't and choose that motherhood is not for them.
Talk to her properly then take it from there.

I think I would say something along the lines of 'I can see you're worried, please tell me exactly what your worries are'. Write them all down and they see together how you can tackle each one - maybe it is all a big shock and maybe if you break down the issues together she will see it is not as scary as she thought. I think you sound really loving and supportive so hopefully it will all work out for you.

Alwayscalm, as others have said, you need to sit with your wife, preferable with a list, in a neutral setting and talk this through. She may be in shock and she may not know what to do. I have 3 children. No3 came after a long gap when I had decided I was too old and DH ha begged me to give it a couple of more months. I cried and cried when I found out, because I really had wanted this child but 4-5 years earlier. Anyway, because this was DC no3 DH was not stressed by my tears. He carried on talking about plans for having the baby, which we have and who I love very much. But I had prenatal and postnatal depression.

If your DW and yourself decide that you are going ahead with this, your DW probably needs to see a perinatal psychiatrist or psychologist. She has risks for PND and this is nothing to do with whether or not she wants children, and all to do with the shock and it feeling like the wrong time.
If your DW does not want this child, you will need counselling to support her decision and to support you.

Please talk calmly to her, if it is only that she doesn't want to be the full time mum could you be a full time dad and take it on? One of my family members did this, she was never ever maternal and her DH was really keen for kids so she continued her career and he raised the children. They are all grown up now - she is still not maternal but she has an excellent relationship with the kids and they turned out great, because the dad was so amazing.
Sorry for the long post, but you both need lots of support and I wish you all the best

"You should also be prepared to be the main caregiver for your child. I hope it works out for you." -- @DairyIsClosed

If I could be a SAHD I would in a heartbeat, unfortunately my DW is not particularly career minded and I am and almost certainly always will be the main breadwinner. That said I have much more flexibility with work than DW does so I can flex what I do to fit any schedules.

Is she frightened? Will she allow to to keep the baby if she DOES have it and doens't want it? WOuld you be prepared to raise a child alone? Are yo really not going to resent her if she does terminate?

You need to have a conversation.

I like the idea of a list, makes it a bit more clinical but perhaps that would remove emotion (on my end)

@Morphene, Had the why discussions.... Giving Birth is #1, giving up fun things in life #2 and being a bad mother is #3

I am struggling to keep up with the replies, thanks for all your input :)

For what it is worth, your DW may well have agreed and decided "yep OK children"... But it was an ABSTRACT. Now it's a definite reality... She (not you) is pregnant - I know teamwork etc but right this second it's all physically HER. Sounds like she's terrified (pregnancy hormones amplify emotions x10 at least so she really isn't being unreasonable)
It's equivalent is "yeah roller-coaster /bungee jump" and then you're at the top looking down.... Looks very different when you're there...
If your wife can't do this then the Kindest, sanest action is NOT to force her to continue with the pregnancy. A pregnancy and birth can be a scarring process for those of us who wholesale were in it 100% (let alone the infant /toddler years) done under unintentional emotional duress - I'm sorry but that's a recipe for a MH crisis, destroyed relationships and potentially a child caught up in all that, I can't see being happy?
So talk calmly about what SHE wants and needs and understand that your desire for parenthood may not be something she is able to participate in - if this is a deal breaker then counselling for you both separately and then together may help but ultimately this situation is where her decision must come first. Sorry, and good luck.

I don't know if this will help your wife, but I didn't have any maternal instinct either - its normal not to, and it usually kicks in after the baby is born.
Its also normal to be shocked or terrified at a positive test, even if you were trying to conceive. Pregnancy is huge, life changing. Childbirth is a huge deal. So is parenting and being responsible for another person. But they don't all happen at once, and its all manageable.

Look, it's great that you're supportive but actually it is cruel to lead someone on for a decade if you know you don't want children.

Now, it's her body so ultimately her choice, but I would think very carefully about staying with someone who is preventing you from becoming a parent, especially when she wasn't upfront about it from the get go.

That being said, there are loads of factors here. It could be shock. She could love the baby and being a mother after its arrival. She could retrain for a better career leaving you as the main caregiver.

Ultimately, if you get past this and be at peace with potentially never being a father (if she decides to terminate) then great. But be sure that you're really, truly past it. Because you could end up, even subconsciously, finding other ways to "punish" her.

What I'm saying is, something this big is enough to rock a relationship, no matter what the final decision is. And if she aborts, and you're on board, then it all goes to shit years from now, you could lose the opportunity to be a dad by holding onto something that's dead in the water.

She absolutely shouldn't continue with a pregnancy that she doesn't want. She just should have been honest about it.

Also worth thinking about how your life will/ should change once the baby arrives. You already say you are ‘the designated breadwinner’- have a look on the relationships board to see how easily this slips into your wife becoming the domestic drudge and full time carer, while your life could continue much as it is currently.

What a difficult situation.

What about sending her an email telling her how much you love her and how you will support her whatever she decides. I think it’s ok to say you would love her to continue with the pregnancy but understand it must be her decision etc etc. Sometimes it’s easier to say things in writing rather than in person.

Or, how about trying to schedule a ‘meeting’ with her where you sit down. Maybe in a few days so you both have a little more time to think.

Also, have you ever discussed numbers of children. Might reassuring her that you can have just one child help?

I think you sound like a brilliant partner and you are in a really difficult situation. Of course, if your DW didn't want children she was silly agreeing to come off the pill but that is now water under the bridge. You are both trying to please each other but both have totally different perspectives about the situation you are now in which is why some sort of counselling (an objective person) would be valuable in helping you sort this without wrecking your relationship. Hormones can make women very "all over the place" in pregnancy and this may be a factor. I really hope things work out for you both.

BTW. I know you know this but whatever you do you have to completely stop the arguments and spiteful comments.

It’s childish and pointless.

always
You mentioned that fear of birth is fear number #1 I do mean this kindly BTW but there is a survey /thread on this very site about birth injury, if you read this from a "this could potentially happen to me personally" perspective then perhaps you may be able to help understand her very real (and understandable justifiable) fear.
As for #2 & #3 draw up a 'contract' an agreement with her that you WILL be a parent equally - yes this means housework too lol! That you WILL NOT Swan off on boozy nights out with friends leaving her holding the child and that you will parent your child, so that she is not "default parent" - Google this term, it helps to explain how many mothers end up frustrated... Hope that helps.

We see too many threads here from people whose mothers (parents) didn't really want them.

My own grandmother made my mother's life very difficult, because she really didn't want children.

You need to respect your wife's choice, as much as it pains you. If for nothing else, at least for the child. This is not a child that is wanted.

Having said that, you can allow her to express her feelings about the pregnancy and motherhood. Even suggest some counselling, so that she can make a decision without feeling pressure from you.

Make sure she knows you love her and want to stay with her regardless.

Does your wife have friends who have children? I only ask because it might be an idea to talk to them. I myself and two close friends would have described ourselves as not maternal before having children and we all dragged our feet about having them for fear of them ruining our relationships and lives. We all took the plunge and our experience has been very similar - we now are all very happy being parents and are maternal to our own children but not others still. It was seeing my close friend take the plunge first and seeing how she coped that persuaded me to do it. What I'm saying is, that lots of mums felt the way your wife did before having a baby and then their maternal side kicked in for their own child. It might help your wife see that maternal instinct isn't a static thing, it can change with your own child.

Talk to your wife and try and support her as best you can. Try not to think about the worse case scenario at this stage. She needs time to get her hear round the whole situation. Good luck.

First of all, congratulations. To you both. But.... you both need to sit down calmly and discuss all of it. The nine months will fly by and then another human being is here. For good. For both of you. It’s ridiculous to suggest all babies should be much wanted. Many people who feel nervous about impending parenthood go on to say it was the very best thing they ever did. Many don’t. Only you too know what you really want and the resentment that can ensue is one wants and the other doesn’t can be crippling for the relationship and damaging for the child.

You have to be brutally honest with each other. Neither doing or saying what the other “wants to hear”.

Good luck, OP.

People calling her an idiot or daft isn't helping. I know someone who came off the pill as she and her partner had discussed having children, she got pregnant very quickly and was devastated, she absolutely did not want to be pregnant and had an abortion.

The extreme reaction could be hormonal or it could just be panic, or reality kicking in to what previously was an abstract concept. I agree with a visit to a councellor , GP or both.

I wonder how much experience you and your DW have with babies and children? She mentions being worried about giving up fun things, and being a bad mother. Was she close to her own mother growing up? Does she have sisters, or nieces, or friends with children? Or is it that she doesn't know people with children, and perhaps isn't close to female relations, so is scared or what the reality may be? What makes her think these things?

Even if you are hopeful you will fall pregnant it can sometimes be a huge shock and seem completely terrifying. If you can you need to try and talk through all these fears and feelings and work out if she's just in shock and worried or if it's completely wrong for her.
It's life changing whether you are happy or not.
Our last child was not planned and a contraceptive failure. My husband was completely devastated and it was very difficult to work out what was for the best. We didn't talk for a while, he didn't want to pressure me and I knew he was unhappy. In the end I did what was right for me and how I would deal with it. Communication and although it's cheesy, having fun together doing normal things instead of Just focusing on the big issue, it gets communication flowing better. Good luck

On a personal level, my ex-DH and I were “trying” and agreed I should come off the pill. I got pregnant straight away. He seemed thrilled, as I was. However, when we divorced, I found out from my sister (and older, DH’s Best Man) that in those first months of pregnancy, DH visited my sister and asked her to “persuade Suki” to have a termination. He’d basically changed his mind when reality set in. My sister, rightly, said he needed to sit down and talk to me himself. He didn’t. Our son is now 17 😊

Also every birth is completely different so fear of birth is really common whether it is your first, second, sixth... there are people who can help and support with that. I had several children and can honestly say birth terrified me despite actually having 'good births'.