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Original poster

Wife pregnant and devastated

186 replies

AlwaysCalm · 17/04/2018 09:21

Last week my DW found out she was pregnant (Or at least has positive tests).

She came off the pill about a year ago as we had discussed and I thought agreed that we wanted a child, we were not stressing ourselves about what would happen as life is always busy and we are fairly laid back about things so it has just happened.

The look on her face when she told me crushed me, I could see she wasn't happy and we tried to discuss it when she said that she doesn't want a child, has no maternal instinct and doesn't want it to ruin our lives (I'm obv. paraphrasing but this was my takeaway).

We have been together over 10 years, married for a little over half of that and have had very few issues, when we first got together we talked about kids in the future and my DW opinion started as first a house and marriage and then kids, we got married and talked again about kids, my DW was less sure but said maybe in a few years. Fast forward a few years and we have bought a house and about a year later we agreed that she would stop taking the pill and well here we are....

We have had a couple of bad arguments in the last few days, somehow expertly managing to avoid the issue of pregnancy and just spiteful back and forth (Mainly my fault). I want to be able to sit down with her, have a proper conversation about what we should do.

The rather unfortunate position we have found ourselves in is that we are both doing what the other person wants, she knows I am desperate for children and will have one so I am happy but I know it will not make her happy and I do not want to lose her under any circumstances. I desperately want to sit down and talk to her about names, nursery and all that stuff but I can't. I cannot cope with how unhappy she is and just feel selfish about bringing it up.

This sounds awful I know but part of me wants her to say she just doesn't want to be pregnant and say she wants to abort or in my darkest moments that she miscarries or this is eptopic. I don't want this from selfish perspectives I just want her to be happy.

I don't know what to do and am so conflicted, I feel so selfish.

I know this is rambling but I don't know how to express this properly.

Also if I made my DW sound anything but amazing it was not my intention, she is my life!

OP posts:
justanotheruser18 · 17/04/2018 13:56

If your wife doesn't want a child and carries the pregnancy to term, for your benefit, she may very well feel like she has ruined her life and over time start to feel resentment towards you. Maybe not. She may find her maternal instinct.

The 'crushed' look on her face is hugely telling about her real feelings. That gut emotion is sometimes the one you should truly pay attention to.

Are you going to stay home with the baby once it's here? Because her life will change very much more than yours, if not. I have a beautiful son but since becoming a parent, my life is not like it was and sometimes it's a struggle. And I wanted my baby. More than anything.

Some people genuinely don't want children and as hard as it can be accept, it is a feeling, a choice, that shouldn't be ignored.

justanotheruser18 · 17/04/2018 13:58

Ps: you are very kind and considerate. I read the post wrongly. I hope this situatio resolves itself as best it can.

lill72 · 17/04/2018 14:00

I really feel for you. Thoughts going out to you. Thing is, feeling can change so much when a baby is on your arms. You or she has no idea what it will do yet. Would/could you be a househusband? Are you prepared to step in and take over if it is not in her?

But at the moment she just needs you and our support. The baby is growing inside of her and er body and emotions are all over the place. Just be there for her and go softly, for both of you. It ma in time, fall into place. Does she have mum friends she can chat to?

Toddleress · 17/04/2018 14:15

Just a thought but in your conversations with her, try to find out why she feels that way - is it the physical fear, is it that her life is going to change and lose freedom (does she have a FT job or career), is it that she feels she does not have the maternal instinct. Maybe she knows, maybe not, but at this point I think is all about helping here explain to herself why she feels this way, in order to be able to look forward.
All the best, feel for you.

Justaboy · 17/04/2018 14:18

Its been suggested to Talk!, and yes do that but sometimes I think a third party a trained counsellor perhaps relate?, would be a very good idea that can do that bit and not be quite so emotionally involved as you and your lady are with each other.

Pigflewpast · 17/04/2018 14:26

I was desperate for our first child, we had been trying a long time, but I still had all these fears. We were both active in a sport, which involved social/sport weekends away too, with no other children there, and I was worried about losing that, as well as the childbirth and good mother fears
. I did cut down a lot on the sport, but that was my decision, we were able to carry on the weekends, had many willing baby holders on them, and I could have carried on if I'd wanted to.
Any pregnant woman who isn't scared of the birth is either lying or unusual!
I was also scared about being a bad mother, again, I think that's pretty usual.
I'm not saying she will change her mind, some women don't, but I'm trying to say her worries are not unusual.

One thing I would say, a c section is a lot longer physical recovery, if she's desperate to get back to her sport it may not be the best option, unless her fear of childbirth is too extreme to combat this.

HectorlovesKiki · 17/04/2018 14:35

I was married and got pregnant by accident. We didn't want children, I had NO maternal instints whatsoever and had never wanted kids. I bled for 12 weeks and literally wanted the baby to abort - it didn't. BUT, when I gave birth to this little girl, I was the worst mother hen you could imagine. The love I felt for her overwhelmed me. I wanted 3 more babies! My husband agreed to one more and I went on to have a son. I hope your situation works out for you both. What seemed like a tragedy to me at the time turned out to be the best thing that had ever happened to me. I wish you both well.

SnowOnTheSeine · 17/04/2018 14:35

I can't comment on not wanting a baby, I really wanted mine. But I can comment on the combat sport - that will be a huge thing for her to give up. I had to give up karate almost immediately because I was so sick and scared of losing the baby too.

I will admit to a fair bit of resentment that DH got to carry on doing the same martial art whilst I spent 9 months with my head down a toilet.

Also, pain from being hit is nothing like childbirth. It really isn't. So don't use that as an argument!

Original poster
AlwaysCalm · 17/04/2018 14:38

@justanotheruser18
:)

@lill72
As much as I would love to be a SAHD it is not possible without a significant change to standard of living (5:1 ratio in terms of income) If DW was more career minded then maybe. Don't think either of us would want that (I would love for my DW to be more career minded but for her benefit not mine)

Not sure if she has told anyone else, I wouldn't have thought so though.

@Toddleress
I am fairly cerain its the pain followed very closely by loss of hobbies etc. I will talk to her about it though.

@Justaboy
Absolutely zero chance she will go to councilling, relate is a good idea though (assuming thats a phone service).

@Pigflewpast
There have been a lot of comments like yours and I wish I could just forward this to DW but not really ready for that (She will unfortunately latch onto the negative responses(Albeit very few) and I don't want that)

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysCalm · 17/04/2018 14:43

@SnowOnTheSeine
"Also, pain from being hit is nothing like childbirth. It really isn't. So don't use that as an argument!"
Probably wasn't going to be my go to argument! Was just commenting on her pain threshold, she spas with men I wouldn't consider messing with Shock

OP posts:
Pigflewpast · 17/04/2018 14:59

The problem is, even if you showed her the positive comments, she won't believe it's possible they can apply to her, until she's ready, if she ever is.
My third child was a shock pregnancy. I was absolutely devastated, cried for weeks. I had a hard pregnancy and post natal depression with ds2 and really didn't want to be pregnant, or give birth again. I ended up being depressed the whole pregnancy, though it was only people telling me this afterwards that made me realise how bad I was, but as soon as I held dd she was the best thing ever.
Hormones, feelings and chemical balances are all unknown quantities and impossible to predict, it would be so much easier if we all reacted the same, or even we reacted the same ourself each pregnancy.

Morphene · 17/04/2018 16:48

OP she does need to start taking the folic acid - its very important in the early development stages.

Morphene · 17/04/2018 16:52

folic-acid-info

TheLegendOfBeans · 17/04/2018 17:01

If you are certain that it’s a medical thing then obviously counselling is needed asap.

I get that people are saying “how daft of your missus to come off the pill and not want to get pregnant BUT...

When I was married before I did exactly this. And I did what I could to avoid getting pg. my H wanted a child, I wasn’t sure. Our relationship went further south and I ended the marriage as I did not want to bring a child into a relationship
I knew was no longer working for me, him, either of us.

That is my concern here regarding your wife’s reaction

I wanted a baby, always have. But just not with my now XH.

I apologise if this is seeming harsh.

user1471426142 · 17/04/2018 17:11

Like others have said, it can be quite normal to be shocked. My baby was planned and very much wanted but I had lots of ‘oh my god’ moments in the first trimester, especially as I felt like crap most of the time. However, There wasn’t one second of doubt or regret despite being anxious and worried about what was to come. You do need to think about the reality of bringing a child into the world if she doesn’t really want that child. In many ways the pregnancy is the easy bit. Your life has to change for many years and if she isn’t prepared for that or would resent the child, then the situation is unfair on all three of you. The first few years really test a relationship. You’re sleep deprived, trying to juggle work/family, have less time for each other etc. I don’t know if I would have coped with those challenges if I hadn’t wholeheartedly wanted my baby.

You have my sympathies as this sounds like a horrid situation where one of you might never be happy.

Lweji · 17/04/2018 17:14

TheLegendOfBeans does have a point and worth considering, OP.

Fabulouslyrich · 17/04/2018 17:16

Your wife agreed to come off the pill a year ago, you didn’t hold a gun to her head. So of course she ended up pregnant, what was she expecting after not taking the pill for a year, ffs! Your wife needs to get a grip. And you need to let her take responsability for the choice she made a year ago!

Whatshallidonowpeople · 17/04/2018 17:18

Am I missing something? Your wife stopped the pill a year ago and is devastated that she is pregnant?

Sleeplikeasloth · 17/04/2018 17:28

In many ways the pregnancy is the easy bit

That's very much a matter of personal opinion. Some people find pregnancy eaiser than raising a child, for some the reverse is true. Pregnancy can be an incredibly difficult time for some women.

phoenix1973 · 17/04/2018 17:41

I had no maternal instinct and consider myself selfish in general. I had my child and it was a MASSIVE struggle to adjust. I mourned my lost life for years.
Everyone says they don't know what they did with their time before kids. Well, I knew exactly what I did and could no longer do. I was resentful and felt I'd ceased to exist.
A baby shows up ALL the cracks in your relationships. You'll see dark sides to each other and argue over who's given up the most and who is the most tired.
You cannot change your mind. When they're her, they're permanent. Through thick and thin. No matter what. You feel sooo tired, you're ill. Tough. You've gotta crack on and you cannot give up and walk away. Because you know you would probably never be able to come back.

I'm not maternal, I'm still rather selfish but I don't resent my child. I'm proud of her and I love her. I'm glad she's here. But my God, do not underestimate how your lives will change. Honestly.

Changerooroo · 17/04/2018 17:45

"I see her playing with her nieces and my friends children and she is good with them and acually enjoys playing the crazy games they like"

I don't think that means she's definitely maternal. Children LOVE me because I'm chronically immature, daft and have no sense of decorum and will play with them for hours after others get bored. When my ex's (massive) family used to get together I'd have kids physically climbing all over me within the first ten minutes. The ancient aunts all got misty-eyed and clucked "you'll be next". Never ever have I wanted kids and seriously doubt I ever will. I'm not jealous of parents, I'm jealous of the kids themselves. Their lives look so much more interesting and fun.

HelenaDove · 17/04/2018 17:45

Did your wife wholly agree to coming off the Pill OP?

Coyoacan · 17/04/2018 17:50

Personally I think that you should tell your wife this:

I don't want her to do something she doesn't want because I am desperate, my concern is that she will go through with it (assuming no issues along the way) to make me happy. This is the thing I am really struggling with do I be honest and tell her how excited I am and risk her carrying on despite her not wanting it or act nonchalant (Not sure I can pull it off) and risk losing possible my only opportunity to have a child (Me being selfish)

I will not leave my wife either way, she really does mean more to me than anything else and yeah, in years to come I may resent decisions made now but will never regret a life with her.

It is very sweet and very reassuring for a frightened woman.

ificouldwritealettertome · 17/04/2018 17:52

We planned our baby too. I have never told anyone this because I'm too ashamed but if may help you. After having a positive result, I was so freaked out I used to hope I'd see blood in my knickers every time I went for a wee. I never told my DH how scared I was. I was so worried about being a terrible mother.

Looking back perhaps I should have talked to him, but, now we have the most gorgeous little girl and she is our everything! I feel so guilty looking back to those early days. But It's human to be scared.

No helpful advice I'm afraid- but this was my experience

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 17/04/2018 17:59

Holy shit, don't force folic acid and early scans on her! You're not seriously going to consider making her look at the foetus before she decides what to do are you? Please don't. That seems a little...coercive.

There's a dangerous implication here that once she receives enough counselling or simply hopes it will be all OK in the end, then she will be fine about progressing the pregnancy and will thoroughly enjoy mothering. Why isn't anybody considering the possibility that she just doesn't want a kid? I agree, it was plain stupid to come off the pill if you didn't want to conceive. However, no woman should be guilt tripped into giving birth to a child they don't want.