Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH throwing away his career

201 replies

LeilaBriggs · 17/04/2018 03:45

I don't know whether IABU or not and would appreciate some input. We have recently returned to the UK after a few years abroad. For background, DH took on a trade after leaving school in the UK and did a 2 year apprenticeship. When we moved overseas, he worked his way up to Manager. He was an excellent manager with great communication and leadership skills. He also has amazing technical knowledge in his field. When we decided to move back, I called a couple of recruiters to suss out the job market for a manager in his field. They were really keen and wanted to see DH's CV.

However, DH has decided that his overseas experience is not worth anything. To prove this, he called the same recruiters as me and got off the phone both times smiling and happy as they had apparently confirmed that companies want UK experience, so they won't put him forward for a job as manager. He said he was relieved Hmm.

So he's decided to stay in the same field, but look for another role, basically as the person who allocates all the work at the company. This is an unqualified job. In the adverts it usually says, "experience in this field desirable but not essential."

It took him 20 years to get to manager. He says he doesn't have the confidence to push himself forward and I can see that, but I think he needs to try.

I have found a job. My salary would be slightly less than his as a manager, but a lot more than his Unqualified Job that he wants to do. We are househunting (renting) and he wants a proper house with a garage and space for his hobby. We also have DS who has SEN. DS also has some after-school activities as does my other DC.

So here's the AIBU... I am furious that DH wants to throw away his career without even trying to get the job he is qualified for. I think he's being really feeble. I am also worried that DS will not be able to go to the school I have chosen for him as we won't be able to afford it. I want to say to DH, "OK, I will use my salary for school fees, after-school activities and everything else related to the kids. You can pay the rent and the bills."

There is no way he will be able to afford a proper house with his Unqualified Job salary, but I don't care TBH, I would happily live in a tent to prioritise the school fees, etc.

Any thoughts please? Am I selfish? Am I insensitive to his insecurities and fears? I just don't know... Thanks.

OP posts:
Cuppaoftea · 17/04/2018 11:18

MyOtherProfile Maybe a terrace/town house or flat as opposed to a detached or semi with garage and garden.

RidingWindhorses · 17/04/2018 11:18

Would also be interesting to know why the OP is so convinced about the private school. Really depends what the sen issues are.

It's not actually any of your business.

Original poster
LeilaBriggs · 17/04/2018 11:26

Thank you @RidingWindhorses.

OP posts:
southeastdweller · 17/04/2018 11:27

It's not actually any of your business

No, but private education isn't a necessity for her kids or anyone else.

MyOtherProfile · 17/04/2018 11:27

It's not actually any of your business.

The OP is posting on a public forum asking for people to agree with her over her dh. It is not a private issue.

Weezol · 17/04/2018 11:28

Most parents will stretch themselves to get the best education for their kids, be it moving to a better catchment area, getting a tutor or scrimping to pay fees.

The nearest I've been to a private school is passing it on the bus and even I can understand why, if OP believes this is the best option, she is grafting to get him there.

Inverted snobbery is unpleasant.

southeastdweller · 17/04/2018 11:34

Maybe OP's DH doesn't believe that it's the best option for his son?

Waspnest · 17/04/2018 11:36

Well none of it is technically our business (in fact most of MN is none of our business) but if you want to get opinions on a subject obviously you have to give some facts (unless you just want people to blindly agree with you which seems to me a waste of everyone's time). Confused

RidingWindhorses · 17/04/2018 11:47

OP has not asked for advice on where she should send her son to school. She asked for feedback on her DH's career choices - that is our remit.

Original poster
LeilaBriggs · 17/04/2018 11:55

If I were to give any info on DS's condition, it would out me immediately to people who know us. I would rather not do that, if that's OK.

OP posts:
southeastdweller · 17/04/2018 12:03

But the fact that she wants her son to go to a private school is still part of the conversation because of the huge costs involved.

RidingWindhorses · 17/04/2018 12:04

No it's not, you're just trying to make it part of the conversation.

southeastdweller · 17/04/2018 12:12

Of course it is! Why else would she even bring it up? Confused

MetalMidget · 17/04/2018 12:14

Presumably the OP has looked at the local state schools and has been left with concerns that they'd be able to provide her child with the best care and education.

My friend had to move her son - he did well in his first year at his original school, but then the headmaster and his teacher changed. They no longer gave him the support and attention he needed (but we were happy to take the pupil premium), and both his behaviour and learning deteriorated.

Some schools are just a bit shit for kids with SEN, so sending them to a specialist school, or a private school with smaller classes and more funding is the preferred choice.

IntoTheFloodAgain · 17/04/2018 12:28

@OP have you actually sat down to discuss finances or discussed how the drop in earnings will affect things?

He may want the perfect house, but for a lot of us the perfect house is a pipe dream anyway. Presumably the cost of education is an imminent outgoing and the house is something in the (possible far) future so he will have to prioritise school fees.

Have you actually discussed that there needs to be a compromise? Seeing as he is changing the situation. he will need to compromise on the house. (has he seen house prices, he may have needed to compromise regardless)

He can swap a garage for a driveway, proper hobby space for a shed, a separate diner for a kitchen diner.

You can buy a less ideal one with a view to upgrade if and when finances allow.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him
wanting to step down from a stressful job, if he has other options and you will still get by on the expected earnings.

Cuppaoftea · 17/04/2018 12:33

But the fact that she wants her son to go to a private school is still part of the conversation because of the huge costs involved.

OP said on the very first page that her DS clearly needs the extra provision this private school can provide but her DH's family simply 'don't believe' in private education.

But it's not about which system you believe in if your child has additional needs that must be met for them to thrive. OP has found a private school that can make the necessary provision for him, has said they've been told if they look at state school they've been told an assessment would take years. That their DS is a teen and they don't have that time luxury. OP's given quite a lot of information.

Basically her DH is planning to take a much lower paid job than he has experience for. Even if she stands firm that the house will have to be smaller it sounds like though they could manage things would be tight and she's worried he and his family will put a lot of pressure on her to change the school and stop activities.

It puts OP in such an unfair position when she's prioritising the DCs, working over 40 hours plus evenings at home on her business, caring for the DCs, running the home and her DH simply wants to be stress free with a 'proper house' with garage to tinker in like his parents have. With OP partly paying for that at the expense of their DCs education and opportunities.

Bumblefuddle · 17/04/2018 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bumblefuddle · 17/04/2018 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyOtherProfile · 17/04/2018 14:20

Of course the school issue is relevant. Firstly if the child doesn't actually really need a private school the family don't need dad to earn so much and he can continue in peace.
Secondly I don't get the impression the OP has already got a private school place lined up. This is a big issue because some private schools are very cautious about SEN.

Waspnest · 17/04/2018 14:38

I agree. In fact I think the school is the biggest issue. Like profile says, without the private school the family would be under much less financial pressure. What happens if the DS goes to the private school and later down the line either parent loses their job/goes sick (maybe with stress)? Does the OP have savings to cover the cost of the fees or would the child have to transfer to the state system? Has the OP even considered this scenario?

MissDuke · 17/04/2018 14:43

Was he miserable in his job? I really think a happy parent is important too. I was miserable in my previous management job and so decided to retrain (a lot of work and took years and years) and now am in a whole new career on a lower pay point. My dh was incredibly supportive, I would have been very upset if he hadn't been. My job was having a significant impact on my mental health though. Money isn't everything, private education isn't everything. Have you really exhausted all options for state school, given that you don't appear to be tied to any particular area? I don't want or expect an answer, jst trying to give you food for thought.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 17/04/2018 15:18

Is it a case of you could afford either a proper home or the school fees with his lower salary or neither? If it’s neither, you need to calmly explain that he is free to take whatever job he wishes but it probably means that you will need to live in a flat or very small house even without paying school fees.

saltir · 17/04/2018 15:28

My DS has SEN and attends a private specialist school with the fees paid in full by the council. I had to be very determined to get the placement named on his EHCP, but it means they foot the bill and all travel costs to the school, because we got an educational psychologist to show that it was the only school to meet his needs.

Life with a child with special needs is stressful enough and I have stepped back from more demanding work roles to meet his needs. I also think the council have the obligation to meet his educational needs so I refused to back down and foot the bill myself. Get some advice from Ipsea or SOS SEN on how funding works.

KittyVonCatsworth · 17/04/2018 16:04

I think YABU. Being a manager (for me) is a shit job. I hated it and it eventually made me quite ill. So much so that my DH is supporting me through a career change which means going from a 60k a year job to a ‘barely’ 20k job. My health and my marriage is worth a lot more. We’ll cope by cutting the cloth accordingly.

RedSkyAtNight · 17/04/2018 18:27

Agree with PP. My DH took a big pay cut to do a less stressful job. The benefits in terms of his mental health and corresponding better quality of our family life can't really be quantified.
OP has made a point of saying she works very hard and long hours (I'd suggest in a similar way that she is suggesting about her DH that she probably has transferable skills to move into a different field where she can earn more). If DH also works hard and long hours, then it sounds like their family life will pay the price. I appreciate OP doesn't want to share personal details, but relentlessly working to earn money to afford for private school has to be evaluated against the downsides.