DH throwing away his career

[LeilaBriggs]

I don't know whether IABU or not and would appreciate some input. We have recently returned to the UK after a few years abroad. For background, DH took on a trade after leaving school in the UK and did a 2 year apprenticeship. When we moved overseas, he worked his way up to Manager. He was an excellent manager with great communication and leadership skills. He also has amazing technical knowledge in his field. When we decided to move back, I called a couple of recruiters to suss out the job market for a manager in his field. They were really keen and wanted to see DH's CV.

However, DH has decided that his overseas experience is not worth anything. To prove this, he called the same recruiters as me and got off the phone both times smiling and happy as they had apparently confirmed that companies want UK experience, so they won't put him forward for a job as manager. He said he was relieved .

So he's decided to stay in the same field, but look for another role, basically as the person who allocates all the work at the company. This is an unqualified job. In the adverts it usually says, "experience in this field desirable but not essential."

It took him 20 years to get to manager. He says he doesn't have the confidence to push himself forward and I can see that, but I think he needs to try.

I have found a job. My salary would be slightly less than his as a manager, but a lot more than his Unqualified Job that he wants to do. We are househunting (renting) and he wants a proper house with a garage and space for his hobby. We also have DS who has SEN. DS also has some after-school activities as does my other DC.

So here's the AIBU... I am furious that DH wants to throw away his career without even trying to get the job he is qualified for. I think he's being really feeble. I am also worried that DS will not be able to go to the school I have chosen for him as we won't be able to afford it. I want to say to DH, "OK, I will use my salary for school fees, after-school activities and everything else related to the kids. You can pay the rent and the bills."

There is no way he will be able to afford a proper house with his Unqualified Job salary, but I don't care TBH, I would happily live in a tent to prioritise the school fees, etc.

Any thoughts please? Am I selfish? Am I insensitive to his insecurities and fears? I just don't know... Thanks.

Why the double standards?

Because ops dh wants a big house. If he wants it, he pays. No double standards. Because women give birth to children. Some never fully recover, some are expected to be the default childcare. Others, like me are left chronically ill and unable to work. Women in general struggle to get back to pre pregnancy levels after a break. Whereas men seem to get back to where they were far easier after any break.

I also agree with not believing that recruitment agencies don't consider overseas experience - this is absolutely not the case in virtually every line of business I've ever seen. He's bullshitting to avoid going for it.

@TokenBritPoshOfCourse No, not hyperbole.

He has to do the job not you.
.stop being so controlling !

I would find this frustrating too. You know he's capable, so it does seem a bit feeble for him to not even try.

Bemused by PPs. Maybe he does want an easy stress free life but he has family commitments now. Is that attitude good enough? Plenty of kids would like to coast through school having an easy stress free life but as adults we know that doesn't fly and we expect them to do the best they are capable of.

I wouldn't expect anyone to do a job they weren't happy in, unless it was absolutely essential to pay the bills.

I worked for years in a miserable job and leaving was the best thing I ever did. Not everyone is cut out for (or desires) a management role and there's nothing wrong with that. Besides, you can't have managers if there's no one to manage.

Private education is also a big investment that not everyone agrees with. I was privately educated and wouldn't pick it for my kids - I don't think it's made any difference to my career path at all. Maybe your husband would rather prioritise a nice house over thousands on private education? I don't think he's abnormal for having that viewpoint at all.

How serious are your child's SEN? Might you get the school placement via an EHC Plan?

I did be cross too OP. Don't we all want a stress free life and the trimmings to match?! Life doesn't work that way and I totally understand you want private school in your situation so he should to?

If a family was struggling for money and the woman decided to do the same she would get grief I'm sure! I suggest you have a big chat and get the crux of the issue which is sounding like confidence.

Maybe he could approach companies and just explain he's moved back from overseas and wants to see if his skills transfer so could he come in for an informal chat. I'm sure someone would help him if you asked enough companies. Then he would know for sure without going via a recruiter and having the pressure of the interview situation

GnotherGnu, we’ve been advised that we would have to start the assessments all over again and it could take years. He’s in secondary so we don’t have the luxury of time.

If my DH called companies on MY behalf asking about work I could do I'd be fucking furious!

As others have said stop managing his life. Having a family does not mean that your partner gets to dictate your life.

Who is he expecting to facilitate the children's education, extra-curricular, therapeutic etc activities? Or would that just be you?
There's often a reason women end up underemployed, momo, often they're supporting elderly parents too, as well as facilitating their children.

ajas if that comment was aimed at me, I said 'he could approach'. Or has someone else suggested OP calls on his behalf? I can't see that but don't think that's the solution

Who is he expecting to facilitate the children's education, extra-curricular, therapeutic etc activities?

I think it would a case of well, we can’t afford these things, they’ll have to stop.

Well, tell him if he won't look for a better job then he can't have the house he wants. End of story.
You shouldn't try to force him to do a job he doesn't want to, but he can't expect to have a big house etc if he isn't earning enough.

It sounds like you just have different priorities and ambitions.
You need to compromise.
My parents went through this exact scenario. My mum still massively resents my dad for his lack of ambition and he resents her for spending the money on things he deemed unnecessary (such as private education over state).
Fix it to a solution you’re both happy with before it eats away at you.

Let me guess, he'll still magically have the money for his hobby, won't he?

Are you sure you DS couldnt be accommodated very well in the state education? have you looked into your local senior schools?

did you come back to UK unexpectedly?

The job your dh wants to do, it is up to him though. Not you.

Maybe your husband would rather prioritise a nice house over thousands on private education? I don't think he's abnormal for having that viewpoint at all.

I do as the private education is to meet their secondary school aged DS' SEN. Also because they're renting and I'd never pay more on rent than needed to house the family. If buying and the house is an investment that's different.

I think it would a case of well, we can’t afford these things, they’ll have to stop.

That's shocking OP particularly considering your update on your DS' age and the time an assessment would take if you were to take him out of his current school.

Is your DH normally selfish, putting himself before the DCs? Can't get my head round his current attitude at all.

You seem to be frustrated because you think that if he tried, his confidence would grow and he would be ok. The issue is that whether due to his lack of confidence of something else, being a manager might just be too stressful for him. Not everyone is cut to be a manager. You have to be dynamic, forward thinking, energetic, dealing with problems etc... and all this can be very stressful.

I've been a manager for many years and I have enough of it. I am dreaming of a job which would mean going in, being told what to do, getting on with it and then leaving and forgetting about it. Instead, I feel like I breath work in and out, evenings, week-ends, nights. I am shattered yet every day I have to go in, performing an act, pretending to be happy and prepare to lead the team to wonderful things.

So I can understand your OH not wanting to be a manager. At the same time, I do understand your frustration that this will mean your entire family having to make sacrifices.

It's difficult, not sure what the solution is, but make you talk with him and listen and try to see if there is some compromise to be made.

I would find this very frustrating. You are clearly not on the same page about the priorities and he doesn’t seem to want to push himself and maximise his earnings. Agree you need to sit down and look at the numbers and brainstorm together how it’s going to work.