DH throwing away his career

[LeilaBriggs]

I don't know whether IABU or not and would appreciate some input. We have recently returned to the UK after a few years abroad. For background, DH took on a trade after leaving school in the UK and did a 2 year apprenticeship. When we moved overseas, he worked his way up to Manager. He was an excellent manager with great communication and leadership skills. He also has amazing technical knowledge in his field. When we decided to move back, I called a couple of recruiters to suss out the job market for a manager in his field. They were really keen and wanted to see DH's CV.

However, DH has decided that his overseas experience is not worth anything. To prove this, he called the same recruiters as me and got off the phone both times smiling and happy as they had apparently confirmed that companies want UK experience, so they won't put him forward for a job as manager. He said he was relieved .

So he's decided to stay in the same field, but look for another role, basically as the person who allocates all the work at the company. This is an unqualified job. In the adverts it usually says, "experience in this field desirable but not essential."

It took him 20 years to get to manager. He says he doesn't have the confidence to push himself forward and I can see that, but I think he needs to try.

I have found a job. My salary would be slightly less than his as a manager, but a lot more than his Unqualified Job that he wants to do. We are househunting (renting) and he wants a proper house with a garage and space for his hobby. We also have DS who has SEN. DS also has some after-school activities as does my other DC.

So here's the AIBU... I am furious that DH wants to throw away his career without even trying to get the job he is qualified for. I think he's being really feeble. I am also worried that DS will not be able to go to the school I have chosen for him as we won't be able to afford it. I want to say to DH, "OK, I will use my salary for school fees, after-school activities and everything else related to the kids. You can pay the rent and the bills."

There is no way he will be able to afford a proper house with his Unqualified Job salary, but I don't care TBH, I would happily live in a tent to prioritise the school fees, etc.

Any thoughts please? Am I selfish? Am I insensitive to his insecurities and fears? I just don't know... Thanks.

Let me guess, he'll still magically have the money for his hobby, won't he?

This.

You must have had some plans when you came back to UK?

You have to be dynamic, forward thinking, energetic, dealing with problems etc...

He is all of these things though, that is what is so annoying. He is an excellent manager. He just has no confidence.

Does your husband have any contacts in his field in this country or does he know anyone who does? If he could arrange an informal chat with someone, perhaps they could give him a clearer steer on how his experience will be viewed? Recruiters dont know it all!!

I have been in jobs I hated and frankly life is too short - it is utterly miserable. But you dont seem to think he hated it, rather the opposite. I agree with pp’s who suggest laying out all the figures in front of you to see what is do-able in terms of housing etc with the salary he is settling for.

Does he agree that you DS has special/additional needs?

But millions of families can't even afford to have that as a choice @Cuppaoftea - and it doesn't sound like OP's DH was privately educated so maybe he doesn't see the point in private school (which doesn't always provide good SEN support anyway).

Besides, if I was in the relatively precarious position of renting I wouldn't be prioritising school fees (which are a relatively long term commitment and increase every year) over a mortgage and a stable home.

Private school is very divisive on MN but personally I don't see why so many see it as a goal for their kids. It's expensive and not necessarily any better than a decent state school. If both parents don't agree on it, it can easily build resentment.

But regardless of that, OP's DH is willing to work full time just not in a management role. Maybe he wants to be home more and have a bit less stress? If he can do that and pay the essentials - why not? Private education is not a necessity.

we’ve been advised that we would have to start the assessments all over again and it could take years.

It doesn't take years if you've got a decent school with a good senco.

To be honest I get your husband. Neither I nor my dh are ambitious and we have both focused on getting decent jobs with decent salaries and having a good work life balance rather than getting to the top of our game and making more money. This means putting dc in private schools would be a big burden so we chose good state schools.

Not sure if you've said what your dcs special needs are but it can be tough to get an sen child into private school anyway.

I'm finding it rather hypocritical that OP is insistent that her DH must get a better job, whilst she's refusing to do so herself. Saying "I'm at the top of my game" is rather saying you're not prepared to attempt to move into something different for more money - rather like her DH is saying in fact.

Oo x post with adaline there.

Also he says that he was never allowed to properly manage as the owner of the business was interfering all the time (true).

I think your DH may have a point. You say he is a good communicator and manager but then you go on to call him feeble and not confident which kind of contradicts that. Plus with a dominating owner a pushover manager is probably what he wanted.

Put it this way, your husband’s experience is overseas which puts him at a disadvantage. He also ‘didn’t properly manage’ which is also going to be a disadvantage and would mean he’d have to lie and blag a bit to get the job and he’s not confident enough to blag either.

I think he’s right. I think if he went for a manager’s job immediately there is a strong chance he would fuck it right up and he’d be out of work and unemployable in the same sector within 6 months. If he got a managers job and he couldn’t get to grips with the UK system and his lack of real experience without supervision showed they’d bin him.

I think he’s absolutely right to take a lower level job initially to get experience with the UK system and build contacts.

It's not about independent schools per se, is it? The other child isn't going to fee-paying school. It's about a school which supports and nurtures a child with additional needs and best meets his needs!
The fee-paying aspect doesn't even come into the decision- children should be in the best school for them

Disclaimer: I do realise the fees do come into the equation, but in an ideal world they wouldn't.
But this isn't a state Vs private debate. It's a "what my child needs" debate!

I just wonder why OP thinks her husbands career is her decision!

YANBU. He needs to step up to his responsibilities. How does he know a job as manager will be worse than a less senior role? Usually managers have more freedom and more interesting tasks. He needs to support his family, not just his hobby.

Just so you know, depending on the level of care needed and the area state school is absolutely shocking for SEN. There's plenty of threads on the SEN board about it if you need to actually see proof. Private, if they can adequately care for them, is where I would go every single time instead of state school.

A) why are you calling recruiters? He’s not 6, you’re not his mum.

B) why must it be him with the career? What happened to yours? If a career job is so important to you, you go out and get one. Do an ou degree, retrain, move fields.

My dh was burned out and stressed out. He kept working because he had child maintenance to pay. Once those kids reached 18 he scaled back and now works part time from home, and is the main caretaker of our kids and the house. I went out and got the secure job with pension etc.

Your o/p makes me despair for feminism. Pushing your dh into his traditional role and complaining he won’t “step up” for the family, while the reality is you don't want to step up and do “his” role as main earner either.

Men are as entitled to want to take a lower profile job and pull more weight at home as women are.

I must confess that I was also thinking about the other child/children. OP maybe if/when he takes on a lesser role, he will gain confidence and be promoted. I know that you don't have the luxury of time, but if he hates his job and lacks confidence doing it, I fear that is a recipe for disaster,
I think that you need to lay it all out on a spreadsheet and show him that the fancy house is going to have to wait until he has better earning potential.
Also don't forget, if you are both working long hours, there will be times when you need to factor in childcare for your child with SEN.

You phoned up, sounded upbeat and positive with the recruiters, made him sound like a good prospect so they were encouraging back to you.

He phoned up, sounded less positive, sounded hesitant, they felt he didn’t sound like a manager in that field, were less encouraging about managerial roles because they wouldn’t feel confident about putting him forward for interview.

It isn’t that overseas managerial experience doesn’t count - it’s a positive in many fields - it may be that his particular experience isn’t as relevant or difficult to quantify ( you mention the role of the owner) and his own reservation about his value has transmitted itself to the recruiters.

Let me guess, he'll still magically have the money for his hobby, won't he?

So all those women who choose not to have careers or don’t work should not be allowed money for hobbies? If they want hobbies or money to go and get their hair done etc they should go out and earn it, not use family money earned by their husbands?

YANBU. He needs to step up to his responsibilities.

This is absolutely daft advice. By your own admission he is not confident, he has no UK experience and has never properly managed before.

If you push him into a management job (and that’s a bit if, the recruitment process will probably weed him out anyway) he probably won’t be able to do the job, he probably will get binned, his name will be my mud in the industry and he won’t be able to get another job and he may not have a reference.

He’ll have to go and work in a call centre and you can kiss goodbye to private school. Does he even have the correct UK certification because I think the kind of job you’re talking about (construction/manufacturing/transport). Usually requires it.

You are seeing things through rose tinted glasses. He’s right.

I get your frustration, but the dynamic between you in this respect might not be the best ie if he has low confidence, and senses your disappointment, or panics as you build him up which increases the pressure of expectation on him, this makes it hard for him to take risks and start to see himself as more capable. Try to take the middle road.

Is English his first language op?

i think you should leave it to him to take control of his career regardless