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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH throwing away his career

201 replies

LeilaBriggs · 17/04/2018 03:45

I don't know whether IABU or not and would appreciate some input. We have recently returned to the UK after a few years abroad. For background, DH took on a trade after leaving school in the UK and did a 2 year apprenticeship. When we moved overseas, he worked his way up to Manager. He was an excellent manager with great communication and leadership skills. He also has amazing technical knowledge in his field. When we decided to move back, I called a couple of recruiters to suss out the job market for a manager in his field. They were really keen and wanted to see DH's CV.

However, DH has decided that his overseas experience is not worth anything. To prove this, he called the same recruiters as me and got off the phone both times smiling and happy as they had apparently confirmed that companies want UK experience, so they won't put him forward for a job as manager. He said he was relieved Hmm.

So he's decided to stay in the same field, but look for another role, basically as the person who allocates all the work at the company. This is an unqualified job. In the adverts it usually says, "experience in this field desirable but not essential."

It took him 20 years to get to manager. He says he doesn't have the confidence to push himself forward and I can see that, but I think he needs to try.

I have found a job. My salary would be slightly less than his as a manager, but a lot more than his Unqualified Job that he wants to do. We are househunting (renting) and he wants a proper house with a garage and space for his hobby. We also have DS who has SEN. DS also has some after-school activities as does my other DC.

So here's the AIBU... I am furious that DH wants to throw away his career without even trying to get the job he is qualified for. I think he's being really feeble. I am also worried that DS will not be able to go to the school I have chosen for him as we won't be able to afford it. I want to say to DH, "OK, I will use my salary for school fees, after-school activities and everything else related to the kids. You can pay the rent and the bills."

There is no way he will be able to afford a proper house with his Unqualified Job salary, but I don't care TBH, I would happily live in a tent to prioritise the school fees, etc.

Any thoughts please? Am I selfish? Am I insensitive to his insecurities and fears? I just don't know... Thanks.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 17/04/2018 08:42

Don't underestimate the support that a Teen and young Adult needs, emotionally. That can make or break what they achieve. It sounds with the lesser role, that your DH would be better equipped to give that support.

Its OK everyone saying what he should do, but that could overload you, as a family and be counter productive.

Have you got Teens at the moment?

Bumblefuddle · 17/04/2018 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slartybartfast · 17/04/2018 08:47

But the DH does not have relevant qualifications in this country, he can accept a lower role.
You need to accept the situation op.

LovesMaltesers · 17/04/2018 08:52

Leila

The first 'mistake' you made was to call the recruiters. It's treating him like a child. No way would I take away that control from a man and search out job opportunities for him. He needed to do that himself.

Secondly, you only have his word for what the recruiters said.

Third, he can't lack confidence that much or he'd not be holding down his job as a manager now.

And finally, assessment of your child would not take years. You don't sat what their SN are, but you could pay around £500 for an educational psych's assessment in the UK, If you needed assessment from someone medical (ASD perhaps) that might take slightly longer. But both cheaper that indy school fees.

The issue is that you and your DH aren't on the same page.

Did you never talk about what would happen when you came back to the UK? Did you not save so you buy when you came back here? Is your child not in school now? Surely they must be? Where are they?

I don't agree with most of the other posters here because I do think your DH needs to step up and contribute 50% to your family income unless there is a real reason he can't.

Are you going to rent for the rest of your lives or would you need 2 good incomes to buy?

What's your joint plans for the next 10 years?

Birdsgottafly · 17/04/2018 08:53

Also, he isn't throwing away his Career. If he's got potential, many companies will look to promote him.

This isn't necessarily forever. He may find that he's performing at a much better level than he imagined and it might spur him on.

OpenFires · 17/04/2018 08:56

YANBU.

Your son has SEN and needs private school, you as a family are in a position to continue to provide that help for him but your DH wants to take a less well paid job and prioritise a big house with room for his hobby. I couldn't be married to someone with those kind of values we are just too different.

IMBU · 17/04/2018 09:01

YANBU - he wants a nice big house which fits his criteria - make him pay half towards the mortgage and bills and then watch him have second thoughts about the job when he realises that he won't have any money left over at the end of the month.

Cuppaoftea · 17/04/2018 09:05

Is talk of him wanting a big house for his hobbies a bit misleading? I read that he just wanted garage space. Not sure he's asking for a chateau.

Where I live you could pay thousands extra a year in private rent for a house with a garage/above three bedrooms or if the house has a large garden rents can rise steeply. That's in a relatively cheap area of the north of the UK.

It's not just the rent, council tax and utilities will be higher for a larger property than they absolutely need. I think the OP would be right to say she's not going to cut provision for the kids education and extra curricular activities to pay towards that extra rent and higher bills out of her salary if he's not paying for the extra space he wants for him.

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 17/04/2018 09:08

I understand where you're coming from. My husband works abroad in bomb disposal. It's big money but long time away from me and the children so he has recently taken a job a quarter of his previous salary. Money's tight now as we took on financial commitments but he's home far more and very happy. To me it's worth it.

ToDuk · 17/04/2018 09:08

I'm a bit shocked at the assumption that private school would be better for sen. As an advisory teacher for special needs this has absolutely not been my experience. In fact I've been shocked at the lack of decent sen provision or even interest in the private schools round here compared to many state schools.

Does the OP have any recent experience of schools in the UK? I guess not if they've been abroad for any length of time. Has she made any serious enquiries with private schools and received a welcome?

YeahAndThenWhat · 17/04/2018 09:10

I'm not sure why so many posters have to be so aggressive and unpleasant when they post. Even if you strongly disagree with the OP there is no need to be so sharp.

OP, How about suggesting to you husband he at least has a look at what's available and not dismiss the managers jobs out of hand. Maybe once he has time to think things through he might change his mind?

Janniohlosty123 · 17/04/2018 09:12

You go out and get a big career then. Oh wait No, you don't want to develop as you're comfortable doing what you're doing. Your husband is comfortable doing a lower level job and you should support him in that. Imagine if he told you, I've rang people on your behalf and got you an interview... guess you wouldn't be happy.

OpenFires · 17/04/2018 09:12

People are saying "he has the do the job, he gets to choose."

OK well as the OP will be the main breadwinner who gets to choose what her salary is spent on? I guess that's "family money" and he can splash it on a big house and his hobby?

OP if he won't attempt to earn enough for his lifestyle you need to have a serious talk about spending priorities. Outline that you want to prioritise care and education for your child. Is he really going to argue that he thinks that money would be better spent on a bigger house? If so I think I'd be asking myself some serious questions about my marriage.

Ohyesiam · 17/04/2018 09:15

He needs to think about his priorities. If he wants his garage and space, and is behind the school you have chosen, then he needs to push himself.
If he is happy to let it slide, then you will be disappointed.

Bumblefuddle · 17/04/2018 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaphneduM · 17/04/2018 09:18

Depending what your son's special needs are, I would absolutely echo other posters who are of the opinion that the special needs provision in mainstream schools can be absolutely excellent. Please don't rule out state education for him, go and visit some schools so you can see the type of provision for yourself. Private is not always better.

HouseMouse77 · 17/04/2018 09:21

This is a tough one. We have a child with SEN and we both have moved heaven and earth to pay school fees for him. The idea that state schools provide better provision for SEN isn't something we've found to be true at all.

Both of us could see that DS wasn't thriving and in fact it was a total nightmare. We pulled him out before his behaviour deteriorated any further as most private schools wouldn't take kids with behaviour problems. But we were both onboard with the sacrifices we needed to make. I don't think you can coerce your DH if he doesn't see these advantages.

It sounds like private school fees would be just about affordable and to be honest that's not a good place to be in. Could you afford income protection insurance? What would happen if one of your other children needed support financially in some way? Would there be some padding? What if your DH does take a managers role and hates it? Would you expect him to stay in it? How would that effect your marriage and the family life of all your children?

OpenFires · 17/04/2018 09:22

@DaphneduM Unless I'm mistaken I thought the OP said up thread that her son would need to be reassessed and they don't have the luxury of time as he is already in secondary school, and the assessments he needs could take a long time?

Also people keep saying to the OP "why don't you get a better job?" When she already earns a lot more than her DH would and is the top level of earning for her role. She's doing her bit, money wise, he's the one saying he wants a very low paid job.

Cuppaoftea · 17/04/2018 09:25

You go out and get a big career then. Oh wait No, you don't want to develop as you're comfortable doing what you're doing.

OP is going to be earning the considerably larger salary if he takes a lower salaried job. She'll be paying for everything for the children as well as towards the household and presumably has considerable caring responsibilities outside of work.

CustardCremes · 17/04/2018 09:25

Gobsmacked reading some of these replies.

To be honest if I had a son with SEN who would benefit from private education I'd scrub toilets/ work a stressful management job if I had to to pay for that. I know I'll get flamed for that but it's true.

OP you and your DH have different attitudes to parenting. You're not selfish and he is.

mumeeee · 17/04/2018 09:27

YABU. Your DH probably wants a less stressful job. I know quite a few managers who have gone back to a lesser role because it's less stressful.
Don't push your DH into something he doesn't want to do.
I know you said your son with SEN needs a private school.
That isn't necessarily true. Unless it's a specialist school for his needs. Most private schools don't cater weii for special needs. They are often very pushy academically

CustardCremes · 17/04/2018 09:27

I think the OP is better placed to know what kind of schooling her son needs than any of us.

Bumblefuddle · 17/04/2018 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3luckystars · 17/04/2018 09:29

Move to Ireland. The schools are free and your husband will be grand.

I wouldn’t push anyone because stress is not worth any money.

Slartybartfast · 17/04/2018 09:29

A friend of mine was very well qualified in Poland but not qualified in UK.
It makes sense.
He has rung them and found out.
you need to accept his word op, have some faith.

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