DH throwing away his career

[LeilaBriggs]

I don't know whether IABU or not and would appreciate some input. We have recently returned to the UK after a few years abroad. For background, DH took on a trade after leaving school in the UK and did a 2 year apprenticeship. When we moved overseas, he worked his way up to Manager. He was an excellent manager with great communication and leadership skills. He also has amazing technical knowledge in his field. When we decided to move back, I called a couple of recruiters to suss out the job market for a manager in his field. They were really keen and wanted to see DH's CV.

However, DH has decided that his overseas experience is not worth anything. To prove this, he called the same recruiters as me and got off the phone both times smiling and happy as they had apparently confirmed that companies want UK experience, so they won't put him forward for a job as manager. He said he was relieved .

So he's decided to stay in the same field, but look for another role, basically as the person who allocates all the work at the company. This is an unqualified job. In the adverts it usually says, "experience in this field desirable but not essential."

It took him 20 years to get to manager. He says he doesn't have the confidence to push himself forward and I can see that, but I think he needs to try.

I have found a job. My salary would be slightly less than his as a manager, but a lot more than his Unqualified Job that he wants to do. We are househunting (renting) and he wants a proper house with a garage and space for his hobby. We also have DS who has SEN. DS also has some after-school activities as does my other DC.

So here's the AIBU... I am furious that DH wants to throw away his career without even trying to get the job he is qualified for. I think he's being really feeble. I am also worried that DS will not be able to go to the school I have chosen for him as we won't be able to afford it. I want to say to DH, "OK, I will use my salary for school fees, after-school activities and everything else related to the kids. You can pay the rent and the bills."

There is no way he will be able to afford a proper house with his Unqualified Job salary, but I don't care TBH, I would happily live in a tent to prioritise the school fees, etc.

Any thoughts please? Am I selfish? Am I insensitive to his insecurities and fears? I just don't know... Thanks.

Good luck explaining that to the other child.

OP is paying for opportunities for both DCs, in fact can and wants to pay for all costs relating to the children. But for the big rented house her DH wants he'd need to cover all the rent and bills. Otherwise it's a smaller property.

Yet his attitude is the kids will have to lose out while his hobby is still paid for. That's unacceptable.

Private school to meet their DS' SEN would only be for another few years if he's at secondary, why on earth would they pull him out now at such a critical stage and put him in a school with no provision?

You are not on the same page.
You are not even in the same book.
You both need to listen to each other and try and see each others perspective.
If you genuinely want to go down the private route you cant do it on a wing and a prayer. You cant pay for it out of your salary if it means no roof over your head.

Is talk of him wanting a big house for his hobbies a bit misleading? I read that he just wanted garage space. Not sure he's asking for a chateau.

really a other one do you honestly think many mothers prioritise their hair appointments over the provision for their child with special needs?

It's perfectly fine to spend family money on hobbies whether you've earned it or not once the necessities are paid for. But OP's DH doesn't want to do that- he wants to spend more on rent for a larger place to support his hobbies, at the expense of his child's education, and both children's extra-curricular activities/hobbies. What kind of parent puts their own leisure above their children's opportunities? A supremely selfish one.

i assume the SEN child needs the private education due to his SEN but the other DC dont need private education

he wants a proper house with a garage and space for his hobby.

Not sure what a proper house is. I'd always want a proper house too I think.

bumblefuddle I have one child in state, one in independent, down to the child's additional needs. Both are at the best school for them, and they both know that. Each loves their school.

The OP thinks it is necessary for her DS with SEN to continue with private education.

OP he can work his way up to management again if there are opportunities.

School provision varies enormously across the UK. I'm so glad you don't think independent education a necessity, but I'm guessing you live somewhere with good schools, and possibly don't have two children with disabilities?

and Yes you are insensitive to his insecurities op.

Yabu

Then you obviously live in an area with better provision for SEN that I do! Here SEN schools have been squeezed and closed down, despite the numbers needing to access them increasing every year

Hmm. I'm a senior manager and I really hate the stress that goes along with managing people. There are times when I'd gladly step away from it if I was prepared to sacrifice the salary. For the time being, I'm not.

That said, I wouldn't be prepared to work myself into the ground to pay for private education, because generally speaking, I think it's a monumental waste of money. I would be mightily pissed off if DH was pushing me into a highly stressful role to fund something that he valued and I didn't.

Without knowing more about your DS's SEN and the potential benefits of going to the particular private school that you have selected, it's hard to comment. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to sacrifice his hobby space though, and to live in a smaller house. If he wants it all, he will have to suck up the stress that goes along with the bigger job. However, if he can't hack that, you may both need to compromise.

There is a lot more to this than meets the eye, I suspect. It sounds liek classic mid-life crisis territory. There are so many possibilities

• your DH feels bored and unrewarded with his managerial job, and doesn't see the big house as worth the extra effort
• your DH is living in dissonance really wanting a big house, yet really not wanting the job that it necessitates
• your DH is genuinely experiencing a crisis of confidence which requires counselling support to get him through
• your DH feels pressured into a lifestyle he doesn't really like or enjoy, but is too afraid to square up to you explicitly over this, so is looking for an "out" that involves other people telling him he can't get this job.

Or it could be a combination of all of the above, with a bit of confusion thrown in.

As PPs have said, the key here has to be to listen to each other. In these situations, it's often the case that there is no straightforward right or wrong, and both parties have to realign their expectations to get back onto the same page. I think the key is to bring this down to brass tacks with a strong dose of realism. It's quite common for people to have a career crisis and career change these days - but there is a huge difference between a well-planned, budgeted and well-executed switch and a random leap in the dark that places the security of the whole family at risk. It's also common for people to get a bit grabby and overextend themselves financially, and then spend years scrimping and saving for a house that ultimately creates more misery than happiness. Somewhere between you there is hopefully a compromise that will work for you both, but you need to listen and plan together to get there.

The OP thinks it is necessary for her DS with SEN to continue with private education.

Yes, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she is right. We don't know enough to judge.