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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH throwing away his career

201 replies

LeilaBriggs · 17/04/2018 03:45

I don't know whether IABU or not and would appreciate some input. We have recently returned to the UK after a few years abroad. For background, DH took on a trade after leaving school in the UK and did a 2 year apprenticeship. When we moved overseas, he worked his way up to Manager. He was an excellent manager with great communication and leadership skills. He also has amazing technical knowledge in his field. When we decided to move back, I called a couple of recruiters to suss out the job market for a manager in his field. They were really keen and wanted to see DH's CV.

However, DH has decided that his overseas experience is not worth anything. To prove this, he called the same recruiters as me and got off the phone both times smiling and happy as they had apparently confirmed that companies want UK experience, so they won't put him forward for a job as manager. He said he was relieved .

So he's decided to stay in the same field, but look for another role, basically as the person who allocates all the work at the company. This is an unqualified job. In the adverts it usually says, "experience in this field desirable but not essential."

It took him 20 years to get to manager. He says he doesn't have the confidence to push himself forward and I can see that, but I think he needs to try.

I have found a job. My salary would be slightly less than his as a manager, but a lot more than his Unqualified Job that he wants to do. We are househunting (renting) and he wants a proper house with a garage and space for his hobby. We also have DS who has SEN. DS also has some after-school activities as does my other DC.

So here's the AIBU... I am furious that DH wants to throw away his career without even trying to get the job he is qualified for. I think he's being really feeble. I am also worried that DS will not be able to go to the school I have chosen for him as we won't be able to afford it. I want to say to DH, "OK, I will use my salary for school fees, after-school activities and everything else related to the kids. You can pay the rent and the bills."

There is no way he will be able to afford a proper house with his Unqualified Job salary, but I don't care TBH, I would happily live in a tent to prioritise the school fees, etc.

Any thoughts please? Am I selfish? Am I insensitive to his insecurities and fears? I just don't know... Thanks.

OP posts:

harshbuttrue1980 · 17/04/2018 09:30

If you're that bothered, you could always retrain or take on a second job to make more money yourself. It shouldn't be automatic that a man has to work himself ragged just so he is the main earner. If both people are working full-time, then I don't think anyone should be critical. You then just have to cut your cloth according to your means, which means no private schools or big houses. But so what? Private school and a big house aren't essential.

CustardCremes · 17/04/2018 09:31

OP if he takes the low paid job is it a case of private school or big house or neither?

AnnieAnoniMouser · 17/04/2018 09:36

He is BU. It’s incredibly selfish of him to do a lesser job than he is able to do when he has a family that NEEDS the money. I appreciate it’s difficult for people who lack confidence, but he’s able to the job so he just needs to pull his Big Boy pants up and get on with applying for the best paying jobs he can find...and doing it with a ‘can do’ attitude. FGS he has children depending on him.

Mightymucks · 17/04/2018 09:40

your DH is genuinely experiencing a crisis of confidence which requires counselling support to get him through

Why do people suggest counselling when it’s inappropriate? Counselling isn’t going to suddenly magic up UK experience and proper managerial experience.

He is the one who accurately knows what his skills and experience are and he is being told there is no interest.

He is being realistic. Like most people in the UK, OPs family probably don’t have the earning capacity to send their kids to private school.

Can you imagine taking him on as a manager and the penny dropping that he’s not actually done the job before but has really been the owners assistant not taking big decisions? Apart from anything else if he’s honest about his previous job he won’t even get through the selection process and he’ll have no job at all.

Are people on this thread suggesting he lies and says he was responsible for managing the company when he wasn’t? If he did and it became obvious he’d be fucked with no job, no reference and probably a name like mud in his industry.

lifetothefull · 17/04/2018 09:41

Children with SEN go to state schools. State schools do provide extra support. Funny how we think the system we are in is the only one that can provide what we need. Opposite to grass is greener. My dd is in state school with a huge amount spent on extra provision for her SEN. I can't imagine she would get the same level of support in a private school with the same access to expertise. Depends on the SEN I suppose but some of it is about your perspective.

Mightymucks · 17/04/2018 09:44

Actually I suspect ‘not properly managing’ probably means he was a manager in name only and this job allocation is actually a more realistic reflection of his previous job.

Cuppaoftea · 17/04/2018 09:46

Are people on this thread suggesting he lies and says he was responsible for managing the company when he wasn’t?

He was employed as a manager, he didn't like the interference he experienced from the owner is how I read it.

DairyisClosed · 17/04/2018 09:48

YANBU. That would drive me insane. And you are right to prioritise school fees over his wants. Tell him that if he wants to spend money on luxuries he has to pay for it himself.

Bumblefuddle · 17/04/2018 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HouseMouse77 · 17/04/2018 09:50

Have you looked into bursaries? If you are renting and have no significant assets you might well qualify.

southeastdweller · 17/04/2018 10:01

Sounds like you haven''t had a proper talk yet about why he seemingly wants to focus on the house instead of the school fees, and why he's feeling insecure and lacking confidence.

Why aren't YOU pushing yourself more?

CustardCremes · 17/04/2018 10:05

It's not as easy as sending her son to a state school when he hasn't been assessed over here- from what I understand he is already at secondary school age and won't be eligible for SEN facilities at the moment and would need to be reassessed which could take years. That's why private school is even more important.

CustardCremes · 17/04/2018 10:07

@southeastdweller for the sake of argument, say the OP earns £30k and her DH is going to earn £18k- the OP's DH has the potential to earn £45k but you're telling the OP to push herself more so she can pay for absolutely everything because her DH doesn't want the stress?

billybagpuss · 17/04/2018 10:08

Wanting UK experience and UK credentials are 2 very different things. He may need certain certificates to be able to achieve what he had when you were abroad but his 20 years experience certainly does not count for nothing.

I think you have done what you can for him at the moment but possibly need to help him understand what exactly he does want.

Is it genuinely that he doesn't have the confidence to go for managerial roles or is there something deeper that he doesn't want them.

If he would prefer the managerial role I would ask him what he needs to do/have (certification wise) to be able to do that, it could be that he needs 6 - 12 months experience in a UK company to adjust his existing skillset to be able to apply for the more advanced positions. It could be that he needs to get an additional UK based qualification.

The other thing from your own point of view, the current disagreement is one he now really has to work out for himself. He will work this out very quickly if he takes a low paid entry level position. Having been in management and having such a high level of technical experience for so long he will very soon get frustrated with being ordered around by someone who may well have far less experience and knowledge than him.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 17/04/2018 10:11

custard why not? Why can’t the OP have the stressful job if she’s the one who wants the private schools and whatnot?

mostdays · 17/04/2018 10:14

I am furious that DH wants to throw away his career without even trying to get the job he is qualified for. I think he's being really feeble.
Ouch. Feeble? That's nasty. And fwiw, your DH probably knows his industry and capabilities better than you. What you see as 'throwing away his career' may well be him being realistic.

I am also worried that DS will not be able to go to the school I have chosen for him as we won't be able to afford it. I want to say to DH, "OK, I will use my salary for school fees, after-school activities and everything else related to the kids. You can pay the rent and the bills."
But you are not in charge. What you see as necessary, others may not. Why do you get to decide what happens re DS's education? Why does your choice of schooling outweigh what your DH thinks? You want to prioritise private education for your DS, I get that, but why should everyone else have to have the same priorities? Private education is not a necessity- and tbh, SEN provision can even be better in the state sector.

CustardCremes · 17/04/2018 10:15

@ThisIsTheFirstStep because the OP could cover everything for the children from her salary, but her DH wants a big house with a spare room for his hobby. Shouldn't he pay for that? Or should the OP provide the income for everything because he doesn't want any stress?

He has responsibilities it sounds like he doesn't want to accept.

southeastdweller · 17/04/2018 10:16

@CustardCremes in that extreme situation yes I'd agree but she herself said she's in a 'shit dead-end job' and we have no idea how much he earns for his Unqualified Job. I very much doubt their current salary gap is as big as £12K and he earns £18K for what sounds like a recruitment job.

Mightymucks · 17/04/2018 10:17

He was employed as a manager, he didn't like the interference he experienced from the owner is how I read it.

This is what the OP said:

Also he says that he was never allowed to properly manage as the owner of the business was interfering all the time (true).

He’s not ‘properly managed’. He’s not done the job.

Viviennemary · 17/04/2018 10:21

He is being unreasonable to want all the perks of a nice house and so on without being prepared to do what is necessary workwise to achieve this. I agree there are double standards on MN as regards family finances and earning money.

PhilODox · 17/04/2018 10:21

Forget the school fees for a moment mostdays - the DH wants a bigger house with garage for his hobbies at the expense of his children's extra-curricular activities. Is that ok?
OP has said he'll pay all their surplus from salaries on renting this larger house and the children will have to do no activities/hobbies.
Is that really a parent that prioritises their children?
What person does that?

Waspnest · 17/04/2018 10:24

Bumblefuddle, I completely agree. MN is sometimes like a parallel universe - one where having a garage is considered a luxury but a private education is considered essential (I'm always amazed that the majority of threads on the education boards are about private schools).

Anyway, I don't think there's enough detail in the OP to comment really. We don't know whether the DH has a job currently, why they came back to the UK (was it voluntary or was DH made redundant) whether the renting is temporary or long term (personally I think it's bonkers to pay for school fees if you can't afford a mortgage) how severe the DS's SN are and whether he will require a lot of support beyond the school years etc.

But I do think it was VU to phone the recruiters on his behalf - it shows that even YOU have no confidence in him so why should he have any confidence in himself?

southeastdweller · 17/04/2018 10:25

Or should the OP provide the income for everything because he doesn't want any stress?

She wouldn't be paying for everything. But if she can earn more, why shouldn't she push herself?

CustardCremes · 17/04/2018 10:26

@southeastdweller the OP said:

"My salary would be slightly less than his as a manager but a lot more than his unqualified job he wants to do."

So it depends what she means by "a lot more".

mostdays · 17/04/2018 10:32

Forget the school fees for a moment mostdays - the DH wants a bigger house with garage for his hobbies at the expense of his children's extra-curricular activities. Is that ok?

I don't see anywhere the op has said that her DH wants a bigger house with a garage for his hobbies at the expense of his children's extra- curricular activities?

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