DH throwing away his career

[LeilaBriggs]

I don't know whether IABU or not and would appreciate some input. We have recently returned to the UK after a few years abroad. For background, DH took on a trade after leaving school in the UK and did a 2 year apprenticeship. When we moved overseas, he worked his way up to Manager. He was an excellent manager with great communication and leadership skills. He also has amazing technical knowledge in his field. When we decided to move back, I called a couple of recruiters to suss out the job market for a manager in his field. They were really keen and wanted to see DH's CV.

However, DH has decided that his overseas experience is not worth anything. To prove this, he called the same recruiters as me and got off the phone both times smiling and happy as they had apparently confirmed that companies want UK experience, so they won't put him forward for a job as manager. He said he was relieved .

So he's decided to stay in the same field, but look for another role, basically as the person who allocates all the work at the company. This is an unqualified job. In the adverts it usually says, "experience in this field desirable but not essential."

It took him 20 years to get to manager. He says he doesn't have the confidence to push himself forward and I can see that, but I think he needs to try.

I have found a job. My salary would be slightly less than his as a manager, but a lot more than his Unqualified Job that he wants to do. We are househunting (renting) and he wants a proper house with a garage and space for his hobby. We also have DS who has SEN. DS also has some after-school activities as does my other DC.

So here's the AIBU... I am furious that DH wants to throw away his career without even trying to get the job he is qualified for. I think he's being really feeble. I am also worried that DS will not be able to go to the school I have chosen for him as we won't be able to afford it. I want to say to DH, "OK, I will use my salary for school fees, after-school activities and everything else related to the kids. You can pay the rent and the bills."

There is no way he will be able to afford a proper house with his Unqualified Job salary, but I don't care TBH, I would happily live in a tent to prioritise the school fees, etc.

Any thoughts please? Am I selfish? Am I insensitive to his insecurities and fears? I just don't know... Thanks.

Why dont you get out of your dead end job and get a well paying job? Why is it all on your husband to do so?

Mightymucks OP also said When we moved overseas, he worked his way up to Manager. He was an excellent manager with great communication and leadership skills. He also has amazing technical knowledge in his field and It took him 20 years to get to Manager, he clearly has a lot of experience.

It's not on to just choose to opt for a much lesser salary for less stress when they have DCs to provide for. Op is looking for a close to 50 50 contribution towards overall finances, he's saying 'nope I'll be contributing a lot less, you'll have to pay more towards the large house I want for us and private education for DS SEN plus most of the other kids paid for activities will have to go . . . I'll need money and space for my hobby of course'. Fuck that.

Is it significant he's waited until his Wife has secured a well paid job in the UK before announcing his intention? Possibly. It's certainly strange he was smiling and relieved when he came off the phone to recruitment, you'd think he'd be anxious about putting so much financial pressure on OP.

OP has said "I think it would a case of well, we can’t afford these things, they’ll have to stop." She thinks.

I cba having much of an argument about this- there's far too much we don't know, and (obviously) we have just one side of the story. I commend the extent to which OP wants to prioritise what she sees as her dc's needs, but I don't think, going by what she's posted here, that she is being reasonable. YMMV.

he's saying 'nope I'll be contributing a lot less, you'll have to pay more towards the large house I want for us and private education for DS SEN plus most of the other kids paid for activities will have to go . . . I'll need money and space for my hobby of course'.

We don't know the figures. For all we know he could earn something like £22K and she's on the high 20's.

cuppatea, she also said that he lacked confidence, was feeble and ‘hadn’t properly managed’.

She’s not really in the position to give him such a glowing reference, especially when she later admits he wasn’t actually really doing the job.

It doesn’t really matter if he has 20 years experience. If it wasn’t really managerial and it was overseas it’s probably not going to be relevant for the jobs the OP wants him to get.

It’s a managerial role and it’s going to come with responsibilities he didn’t actually have if he ‘didn’t manage properly’. In the interview process they are probably going to be asking him questions like ‘how have you dealt with x issue before, how would you deal with y’. And if he is honest the answer is going to be ‘Well I did what my boss told me to do.’ Which is not going to demonstrate experience of managerial responsibility.

You go out and get a big career then. Oh wait No, you don't want to develop as you're comfortable doing what you're doing.

That's really unfair. I do have a career but I have reached the top and can't go any further. I also have my own business which I run in the evenings. I work fucking hard. I could not do any more.

Why don't you look for a new job then as you've apparently reached the top with your present job and it's a 'shit dead end' one? Or retrain?

@bumblefimble a proper education is a luxury? Oh dear, I should tell my parents who let the roof leak and got into debt to pay the small contribution required of them after the scholarship discount so that I wouldn't be poor like them. Luxury my arse. Education is a basic need. Of course some people are willing to force the costs of their decisions on the tax payer buy it is not really a reasonable thing to do when you can afford to pay your own way (but if course OP couldn't possibly because she has to pay for her husband's oh so important hobby).

So right, let's get this straight - he wants a stress-free (and therefore lower paid) life. That's fine, his right.

Oh but hang on... he has wants (not needs) that he still wants met - a bigger house, garage and space for his hobby.

At the same time, he conveniently 'doesn't believe' in the value of the private education that you want in order to meet your DC's SN requirements. Apparently, activities for the kids are also needless optionals and can be ditched in order for the lower-cost lifestyle his lower-paid job will mean.

But not his gardage and space for his hobby.

I'd point all this out, say he's perfectly entitled to take the job he wants, but it looks as if his outlook on all this is showing you that you're no longer compatible and you don't want to be with a taker that puts his own wants before his childrens' needs. So can he factor in CM before he takes this job, as it looks as if longer term, you will split.

I would love to retrain southeastdweller, but when? I will be working 45 hours a week plus the hours I put into my own business, plus running a home and looking after the family. I did my Masters through the OU and loved it. It would be brilliant to do something else, it really would, but it's just not practical.

And this thing about the house... he grew up in a proper house with a garden and a garage. His parents still live in the same house. He thinks this is how a family should live. I, however, didn't grow up in a proper house so it is of little consequence to me. As long as the kids are warm, fed and educated, I don't really give a crap about how big our house is.

OP, think honestly, if he received a reference from his former boss what would it say? Would it say ‘Yes, this employee ran the business day to day and took all the important high level decisions’? Or would it say ‘This employee was responsible for implementing the owners decisions’.

It sounds from what you’ve said that it’s the latter but you are now expecting him to apply for jobs which are the former. If that’s the case he’s right not to want to do it because they will catch him out. Especially with the added complication of no UK experience.

Yanbu. In a family it's everyone's responsibility to provide what's needed. He could at least try and g t a qualified job before deciding it's not for him.

I'm with those who think you should reevaluate your limited job potential if you expect your husband to work in a role that there is no evidence he's competent to do.

Have you looked into state schooling?

I think OP, as much as a good vent on here can help you feel better, ultimately the only way forward is to sit down and talk to your DH, you need to find a compromise together.

Also, have you applied for DLA? Definitely worth looking into- my son gets DLA and it pays for a lot of extra activities etc.

he grew up in a proper house with a garden and a garage. His parents still live in the same house. He thinks this is how a family should live.

Then he needs to earn more to pay for it. Can his parents accommodate his hobby stuff in their garage?

As long as the kids are warm, fed and educated, I don't really give a crap about how big our house is.

Completely agree with you here OP.

Still not sure what a proper house is, or what alternative the OP is happy to live in. An improper house maybe?

Ooh bollocks, that wasn’t meant for here.

A few thoughts occur. This is not aimed at you as critical as it seems you are putting in a shedload of work, and without knowing what he actually does it's hard to gauge how much he could/should be bringing in. On the info you've given so far, I think 50/50 sounds reasonable.

That said: Don't ring round recruiters on his behalf - not even to set up appointments. It's unprofessional and will do him no favours, especially if he is looking for management level money. It's all about 'self-starters' in business.

From a recruiters perspective you have already (quite unintentionally) demonstrated he has no drive or initiative and that it's you that wants him to have the job - he may not. They're not going to flog about finding work for him if he appears incapable of setting up his own appointments.

20 years to make manager through hard work is laudable. But it depends on the industry he's in. In medicine that's usual, but in my last role (banking), if you had those kind of aspirations you'd be aiming for that in 5 years tops.

Would also be interesting to know why the OP is so convinced about the private school. Really depends what the sen issues are.