Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that I wasn't invited?

197 replies

starsandstuff · 16/04/2018 12:09

I've worked in a community organisation for a year. A colleague had a milestone birthday at the weekend and turns out they had a party where everyone was invited except me, including staff who started after me. It was definitely deliberate, not an oversight, because I had been asking her on Friday what her plans were and she was really vague "Oh you know just socialising..." On one hand, obviously, I'm a grown up who didn't get invited to the birthday party, boo-hoo, big deal and grow up. She's an adult and can ask who she likes, and it wasn't an official works do. On the other hand she is not particularly good at her job because when she started it was a small organisation and it mushroomed past her capabilities, which she openly admits, and I spend a lot of time helping her out when she comes to me, even though my own job is really stressful and she should really be helping me! I have taken her side when the boss had been asking her to do things which she doesn't feel able for, so I feel a bit hurt. I went on a holiday last year and brought her back a little gift, because she does try hard, and because she is basically a nice person. I've never had a run-in with her or felt there was any bad feeling. And to add insult to injury, I was the one charged with organising her card and whip-round for her gift! I felt embarrassed this morning to realise I was the only one who wasn't asked to go and a colleague who I get on well with was really mortified about it and doesn't know why. I'm not asking her why I wasn't asked, because I know it's not that big of a deal really. I haven't been off with her or anything, I wished her Happy Birthday, gave her a hug and made her a cuppa. (Ok maybe secretly I'm trying to shame her into feeling bad Grin) But deep down I'm stinging. AIBU to be a bit upset?

OP posts:
KaliforniaDreamz · 16/04/2018 12:13

It always hurts to be left out. So YANBU.
The detail you gave about her not being great at her job etc to my mind gives a lot away. I think she feels inferior next to you and that is why she did not invite you. Just a theory.
But as Queen Obama says - Go High. Be nice to her, wish her a happy birthday (as you have done) and say nothing xx

PattiStanger · 16/04/2018 12:15

It's only natural to be upset, I'd be stopping helping her from now on. If it's not your job politely say that you don't have time to help

DevilsDoorbell · 16/04/2018 12:15

Not unreasonable at all. But you need to stop helping and protecting her as much.

If she’s not up to the job the senior management team need to find out and support her or train her. That’s their job not yours.

I have a situation in my job where I felt I was helping to nurture someone and it has blown up spectacularly in my face. I’ve had a query from her today asking me advice on what to do. I’ve told her that she needs to go back to the relevant people as I’m not able to help her. So not rude, not unfriendly, just no longer willing to do her job for her.

frasier · 16/04/2018 12:17

I wonder if she is embarrassed that you need to help her with her job and secretly resents it? Do other people know she can't handle her role? If not, maybe she thought it would come out in an informal setting?

How did you not know about it? Did no one mention it in the place beforehand?

Trinity66 · 16/04/2018 12:17

YANBU how odd that she would ask everyone in the office but you, of course that's going to make you feel singled out and snubbed

Trinity66 · 16/04/2018 12:18

How did you not know about it? Did no one mention it in the place beforehand?

Oh yeah good question, surely other people would have been talking about it beforehand

sonjadog · 16/04/2018 12:19

I think it is unstandable that you are upset. I would stop helping her so much from now on. She can do her job (or not) herself.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/04/2018 12:22

That is shit, and I would be hurt. Stop helping her, and I just would be professional towards her, and that is that. Do you think she might be jealous of you?

Pinkcalluna · 16/04/2018 12:28

How were the invitations given out? Is it possible you missed something?

I’m with Trinity and Fraiser it’s very odd that there wasn’t office talk in advance especially given that you organised the card and present.

MumW · 16/04/2018 12:29

YANBU at all.

Stay professional and keep the moral high ground.

I wouldn't go as far as dropping her in it although I'd feel like it but I'd subtly stop being quite so helpful.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/04/2018 12:31

Did she tell others, not to mention it at work, so as you not to find out. Sounds very devious to me, honestly I would be be polite and professional to her, that's it, don't help or cover her. Let her be exposed to seniors about her incompetency.

Viviennemary · 16/04/2018 12:32

It was a bit mean of her. Do you talk about her lack of ability to other colleagues. If so this might have got back to her and that's the only reason I can think of for leaving you out. I wouldn't rush to help her out in future.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/04/2018 12:35

Of course you're not being unreasonable. You're never too old to feel hurt.
It brings me no joy to say this but she clearly does not like you. Stop flogging the dead horse and helping her. You don't get any better thought of. Get her to ask her other work colleagues seeing as she gets on so well with them.

ChickenMom · 16/04/2018 12:36

YANBU. I’d be hurt too. Even if you didn’t want to go, it’s nice to be asked. Stop helping her and start distancing yourself. Can’t believe you had to organise her whip round!! That’s too much! Maybe a little comment said with a wry laugh “wouldn’t have organised the whip round if I’d known I’d be the only person not invited. Just joking” just to make the point. Hold your head up high and don’t let it ruin your day

DD2017 · 16/04/2018 12:39

YANBU
Yeah that would hurt... take the high road and say nothing.
Now stop helping her and refer her to her manager

puddleduckmummy · 16/04/2018 12:39

Similar thing happened to me, it's really coloured the way I see my colleagues & dented any loyalty I felt for them. I am polite and civil to them and remain professional but wouldn't accept any future invitations if they were forthcoming or engage any more than I have to.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2018 12:44

This is outrageous behaviour. Stop helping her out. She resents you. You don’t have to be unkind. Just be too busy.

Thornyrose7 · 16/04/2018 12:46

It's very normal to feel hurt by this. But hold your head up high OP and keep going. Like others have said, I think I would coolly refrain from helping this woman out so much in future. Try not to think about her, she's not worth it.

boho2u · 16/04/2018 12:47

How hurtful. Stop helping her. She sounds massively ungrateful!

LagunaBubbles · 16/04/2018 12:48

Nasty behaviour. I would say something if it was me personally.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/04/2018 12:48

'This is outrageous behaviour. Stop helping her out. She resents you. You don’t have to be unkind. Just be too busy.'

^ this....

Absolutely you can invite exactly who you like...

It does sound horribly intentional... Nasty... Well she's told you who she is.... No more help from you..!! Don't be taken for a mug.... She's your friend when it suits her... How pleasant...

youngnomore · 16/04/2018 12:51

You sound nice op. She sounds like a user and very mean.

hungryhippo90 · 16/04/2018 12:55

id be hurt too.... is it possible she sees you as more of a boss type of figure?

Aeroflotgirl · 16/04/2018 12:56

Totally iam, sounds a bit of a user tbf, and nasty to boot, doing that.

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/04/2018 12:56

I can't believe that nothing snuck out - usually when you ask a group of people to keep quiet about something, at least one big mouth will let something out! I'd be more concerned that they all colluded to keep you out of the loop - not even one person took you to one side and said 'look, this is happening, we've all been asked to keep quiet and I just wanted to give you the heads up and let you know it's not personal.'

But not one person did that? I think there may be bigger problems in the organisation than one non-invite...