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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that I wasn't invited?

197 replies

starsandstuff · 16/04/2018 12:09

I've worked in a community organisation for a year. A colleague had a milestone birthday at the weekend and turns out they had a party where everyone was invited except me, including staff who started after me. It was definitely deliberate, not an oversight, because I had been asking her on Friday what her plans were and she was really vague "Oh you know just socialising..." On one hand, obviously, I'm a grown up who didn't get invited to the birthday party, boo-hoo, big deal and grow up. She's an adult and can ask who she likes, and it wasn't an official works do. On the other hand she is not particularly good at her job because when she started it was a small organisation and it mushroomed past her capabilities, which she openly admits, and I spend a lot of time helping her out when she comes to me, even though my own job is really stressful and she should really be helping me! I have taken her side when the boss had been asking her to do things which she doesn't feel able for, so I feel a bit hurt. I went on a holiday last year and brought her back a little gift, because she does try hard, and because she is basically a nice person. I've never had a run-in with her or felt there was any bad feeling. And to add insult to injury, I was the one charged with organising her card and whip-round for her gift! I felt embarrassed this morning to realise I was the only one who wasn't asked to go and a colleague who I get on well with was really mortified about it and doesn't know why. I'm not asking her why I wasn't asked, because I know it's not that big of a deal really. I haven't been off with her or anything, I wished her Happy Birthday, gave her a hug and made her a cuppa. (Ok maybe secretly I'm trying to shame her into feeling bad Grin) But deep down I'm stinging. AIBU to be a bit upset?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 16/04/2018 13:01

I also find it very strange no one mentioned it to you. It would be unlikely if you were remotely liked thy would all conspire to keep it a secret. Most people have friends at work who would tell them.

So, and I'm really sorry, I would say you have some interpersonal relationship issues that you're unaware of and they are across the organisation.

kateandme · 16/04/2018 13:05

i dont understand this.if there is no logical reason then you have to try just washing it away from you.literally shrug it off.becasue thinking why and how it coul have happened will only cause your furth anxst when it just comes down to them doing the wrong thing.stick to the people who make you feel good from now on.
or if you can.ask her.state it all in black and white and ask the question.say you were perplexed a you heard you were the only one not invited to her birthday.ask her if there is something gone wrong between the two of you.

Serialweightwatcher · 16/04/2018 13:07

YANBU but in future when she needs help, I'd tell her to sod off Grin

pigmcpigface · 16/04/2018 13:10

Oh my goodness, I think you're reacting very rationally and calmly in very hurtful circumstances.

I suspect that, in spite of your best efforts, you come over as a super-competent threat to her. This is about her insecurities, not about your conduct, which has been lovely.

I would keep things professional going forward, but stop trying so hard to do things that will make her day. Do what is necessary, but don't go the extra mile. Put that energy into something that helps you instead.

Flowers it's awful when people act like this.

flippyfloppyflower · 16/04/2018 13:10

I would be hurt as well (and it has happened to me in the past). To PPs asking why there was no chit chat about it before hand that often happens in my office. An invite goes out - folk accept and generally no-one really brings it up after that.

My advice would be to stop assisting her - completely. You do not have to be rude or nasty but you are not her mum - you are her colleague. If she cannot do her job she needs to get more training, have her post redefined or find another one. All of these are not your concern so be pleasant but no more helping her.

Didiusfalco · 16/04/2018 13:12

Yes, I’m with the pp. Take a step back,concentrate on your own stressful job and stop putting yourself out to help her. She is clearly unappreciative.

Homemenu1 · 16/04/2018 13:13

When she asks for help next time, say how was your party hoe you had a lovely time and then say sorry I’m a it snowed under with my own work and turn away

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/04/2018 13:18

Stop helping her and stop protecting her.

I think she is furious at your very obvious level of expertise and competence which regularly shows her up. She’s spitting envy and has found a spiteful way to punish you.

Fuck her. Stop being a doormat. And keep shining at what you do without apology.

R2G · 16/04/2018 13:18

What homemenu said and give zero fucks about it too

Addictedtohavingbabies · 16/04/2018 13:18

I've been in this situation where I was the only one not to be invited to a leaving do of someone I thought I got on well with. I just never mentioned it to her and pretended I didn't know about it as was obvious she and other colleagues had gone to great lengths to keep it a secret from me.
I wasn't arsed though as she was just a work colleague. I kept a professional distance from her in work until she left then never spoke to her again.

Original poster
starsandstuff · 16/04/2018 13:25

Aw thanks for the replies. It helps to know I'm not totally being childish about this. x

How did you not know about it? Did no one mention it in the place beforehand?
One person had mentioned it to me late on Friday assuming I was invited and then was really embarrassed when she realised I didn't know. But she didn't know who all was going. There are people who've worked here longer so I thought ok, she's asking the ones she's closest to. I was a wee bit cut but that's ok. It was today when I was talking to this same colleague that I found out it was everyone, so then I felt awful (and she felt awful saying, bless her.) There's only a few permanent staff and the rest are part time and we all keep different hours so there's not like big office chats about things, we're often passing ships.

Yeah I think I'll be a little less forthcoming when she's asking me to do things that are her job, now that I know how much it's been appreciated! Probably not a bad life lesson...

OP posts:
honeyroar · 16/04/2018 13:35

That is a really low thing to do if she really invited EVERYONE else. Are you 100% sure nobody else was left out?

I would definitely not be helping her out anymore. Just say you haven't time - if she continues to push more tell her!! I'm glad that your colleague was mortified that you weren't invited - she might tell other people and it might get back to e party girl that you're upset without you saying it.

Who on earth asked you to organise the collection? There's either been a big mix up here or you're working with some really cruel and tactless people!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/04/2018 13:35

Yes i don't think it's across your office... As clearly someone mentioned it to you, presumably assuming you were going...

Therefore, she's not heard some blanket unpleasantness about you... This is good...

Still shitty of the birthday girl....

Suspect what someone said upthread is true... She doesn't like that she feels beholden /less able and competent to you.... Regardless of how lovely you've been!!

I had similar... A 'sick puppy' student in my year.... Always wanting help, swearing you to secrecy... She would randomly turn up at my house (and other kind folk I later found out...) wanting me to give 'quick help' - it never was, on an essay.... She said proof reading... It was a complete restructure and major rewrite....she never understood the most basic of concepts.... However much you helped... Hour and hours of help I gave... In the end I stopped answering phone as she would always ask...

Later I found out she was running me(and others down ), how we were all 'up ourselves' and arrogant.... I think at the most conservative estimate I gave her at least 80-100 hours help over a year... All in my own time...

My that was a life lesson....

OliviaStabler · 16/04/2018 13:43

I spend a lot of time helping her out when she comes to me

My advice would be this stops now. No more help full stop. Be bright and breezy but be clear that your workload means you can't help. If you feel mean, just thing about what she did to you, that was awful.

greedygorb · 16/04/2018 13:52

What she did was shit and you've every right to be pissed off and hurt. Life is full of arseholes. She's one of them. Now you know. Spend your time on yourself and those who deserve it.

missbonita · 16/04/2018 14:00

That is hurtful but I am such an old misanthrope I'd be delighted - firstly I didnt have to spend my weekend with work colleagues and secondly I now have carte blanche to be incredibly pleasant but basically ignorer all requests for help.

Smile, "In a minute, I'm just busy"
"Oh sorry, I'm so busy"
"Gosh, I'm up against it today, I haven't got a minute, you'll have to ask someone else"

Ghostontoast · 16/04/2018 14:18

Smile and say "I'm sorry I can't help you" or "I'm not able to help you"

or if feeling slightly bitchy....
"why not ask a friend instead"
"whats in it for me?"
"do you help me - why no of course not"

Ghostontoast · 16/04/2018 14:19

...oh and don't make any more cuppas for her either!

BuffyBee · 16/04/2018 14:47

Is no-one thinking that there's been a missed invitation here?
That would be a more likely explanation than her having the nerve to invite the whole office apart from the colleague who organised her card and present and helps her out with her work, makes her coffees, gives her hugs.
This isn't ringing true! She hasn't told anyone to keep quiet about it I think, because she thinks she's invited everyone and something has gone badly wrong.
In my experience, no-one could be so hard-faced to leave one person out, then bounce in and receive a hug from them on a Monday morning.
OP, I would definitely ask her why you were not invited and at least give her the chance to explain.
I think there's been a misunderstanding!

Original poster
starsandstuff · 16/04/2018 15:05

Buffy the reason I didn't want to ask her is because I do think it was intentional and I couldn't really face having a cringe conversation about why she didn't invite me - it's putting her in a difficult place when she's not under any obligation to ask me even if my nose is out of joint, and I'm not totally sure I want to know why!! I had asked her on the Friday what her plans were and she was cagy, she didn't say "Sure I'm having my party - aren't you coming?" or even "I'm having a party, would you like to come?" Plus when I asked her how her weekend was she just said it was lovely - not "Oh the party was great, pity you couldn't come" or something. Definitely felt she was keeping it quiet. Her best friend in the office was the one who asked me to organise the collection so yeah I'm feeling increasingly annoyed about that! She obviously knew. We handed it over today and I have to say it was somewhat through gritted teeth for me...

OP posts:
BuffyBee · 16/04/2018 15:11

Mmmm! I would still ask her though, just to be clear!
If she's hard-faced enough to do what you are saying, I'm sure she can handle it putting her in a difficult place if you ask if there was some mistake you not being invited.
I'd want to definitely know!

derxa · 16/04/2018 15:15

Her best friend in the office was the one who asked me to organise the collection so yeah I'm feeling increasingly annoyed about that! How cruel. Why didn't she organise it?

Original poster
starsandstuff · 16/04/2018 15:30

Why didn't she organise it?

She's part time and just before she left mid-week she said "Oh it's X's big birthday (I hadn't even known) so will you do a collection?" I have access to the staff mailing list so I said I'd get on it and said I'll let Boss know - she said "no she'll be fine with it, she asked me to do it." So she quite deliberately gave it to me. I didn't actually think much of it cos that's what she's like in general - passing the buck - but now I think it was either spiteful (but she's not been like that in the past tbf) or just incredibly tactless.

Buffy there is a guy in the office who's really nice and very honest about things, I get on well with him and he's close friends to Birthday Girl, so I'll probably take the chicken's route and ask him sometime I see him what it was all about...

OP posts:
BuffyBee · 16/04/2018 15:39

Good idea starsandstuff!
I hope that there's been a genuine mistake.

TattyTShirt · 16/04/2018 16:12

There are some utterly mysogonistic people in the world. I think we, probably, all meet a few in our lifetime.

From now on sing from your colleagues page - "I'm busy at the moment" "I don't know how to do that "Best ask someone else".....

Given your account of her shifty responses last week 're her birthday celebrations it doesn't sound as if was a mistake or oversight.

My dd had a very similar experience, recently. I won't post details as it is too outing.

She Has, since that day, shown no consideration or given a second thought to her colleague. Poor colleague now has nobody to help her thru her work (I say work but it isn't really work in dad's case)and is falling flat on her arse. Good enough for the bitch!

We reap what we sow 😊