To be hurt that I wasn't invited?

[starsandstuff]

I've worked in a community organisation for a year. A colleague had a milestone birthday at the weekend and turns out they had a party where everyone was invited except me, including staff who started after me. It was definitely deliberate, not an oversight, because I had been asking her on Friday what her plans were and she was really vague "Oh you know just socialising..." On one hand, obviously, I'm a grown up who didn't get invited to the birthday party, boo-hoo, big deal and grow up. She's an adult and can ask who she likes, and it wasn't an official works do. On the other hand she is not particularly good at her job because when she started it was a small organisation and it mushroomed past her capabilities, which she openly admits, and I spend a lot of time helping her out when she comes to me, even though my own job is really stressful and she should really be helping me! I have taken her side when the boss had been asking her to do things which she doesn't feel able for, so I feel a bit hurt. I went on a holiday last year and brought her back a little gift, because she does try hard, and because she is basically a nice person. I've never had a run-in with her or felt there was any bad feeling. And to add insult to injury, I was the one charged with organising her card and whip-round for her gift! I felt embarrassed this morning to realise I was the only one who wasn't asked to go and a colleague who I get on well with was really mortified about it and doesn't know why. I'm not asking her why I wasn't asked, because I know it's not that big of a deal really. I haven't been off with her or anything, I wished her Happy Birthday, gave her a hug and made her a cuppa. (Ok maybe secretly I'm trying to shame her into feeling bad ) But deep down I'm stinging. AIBU to be a bit upset?

yanbu to be hurt.

I think it's ok to make it clear without being rude or passive aggressive that you are aware that as it turns OUT, you're not actually friends.

YANBU. I’d feel super hurt too.

It doesn’t matter how old you are, being snubbed and lied to still hurts. It’s not about wanting to be at a party, it’s about someone who you thought you had a good relationship with, making you feel like shit.

You’ve every right to feel hurt by this. It was a shitty thing to do.

I agree with other PP’s. No more helping her from now on. She’s shown her true colours. I suspect she’s jealous and feels inferior to you because she knows you’re better at the job than her. She accepts your help because she needs it, but she resents the fact that she needs it. Bollocks to her. Let her fend for herself in future.

I just can't understand how she thought you wouldn't find out? I mean, people are bound to talk about it?

And then she looks like a fool, obviously.

Yanbu to feel hurt but it sounds like you are dealing with it the best way possible. Ie acknowledge that you feel a bit hurt but tell yourself that it doesn’t really matter.

It’s just not possible for everyone to like you in life and sometimes you just have to accept it. I guess you could try and figure out a reason but I think it’s best not to bother.
I wouldn’t be quite so helpful to her in future though.

I had the biggest and maybe saddest break through when I heard how unpopular two of the loveliest of my friends are. They are seriously clever, focused, kind, funny etc but then some people seem to hate them; I have always known that you can’t please all of the people all of the time, but seeing the irrational dislike of such amazing people made me realise how complex friendships can be. The colleague may be jealous of you, who knows. Of course it is upsetting to be snubbed, but please don’t feel diminished by it!

next time she says can you help say im busy then start filing your nails/do something mundane in front of her and just smile

I absolutely agree that this is a case of bullying via exclusion! Having been through this several times myself, I reacted by holding my head high and walking past them like they never even existed. I was fortunate that I could do this, however, I don't know if I could have faced hugging them or handing over the birthday collection that I had been asked to organise (as in your situation). You have behaved impeccably! I do think that it is worth having a word with your manager, mention that you have been taking on a lot of this persons work and that you wonder if perhaps this is why they have excluded you. Just explain that in the circumstances, you hope they will understand your no longer completing birthday girls work on top of your own. Then smile sweetly and say 'Oh I am sorry, the manager and I have had a discussion and I am no longer to help you with your work' then just smile sweetly.......knowing fine well that her incompetence will be under the watchful eye of your manager!

I wouldn't even say that about the manager. Just say ''yeh, I'll be with you in half an hour'' and then forget, if she comes back to you, say ''oh of course!'' but then get up and go to the loo and when you return, forget again.

Could your invite have been lost? U must feel awful, my friends who I feel as my closest went out last Saturday, and didn’t invite me, I challenged them as to why and they said it’s cos I don’t like day drinking, but I’m glad I asked them, maybe u could ask her in a non direct way like how was the party?

I would be very polite but distant. If she talks to you look over her shoulder as if you are only half listening. If she asks you for help, just say no, I can’t. Don’t say why not. Don’t give her the satisfaction of knowing you are hurt. You are classy, she is not. Stay that way. I wouldn’t’t even Ask the male colleague, it might get back to her.

I think this is awful!!

Happened to me once, but the party was spoken about in a group chat... yet i never received an actual invite unlike the othet members of the group chat. I still dont know if it was a genuine error, i was never asked about going to the party... still part of the same group but i keep my distance now...

ruthie-she asked cf if she had any plans for her birthday she said no

then asked how her weekend was said was ok-clearly was trying to hide face she had a party

shitty behavior from a shitty person, rise above it just be polite and professional, and no more help, let her sink

You’re bitching about her cababilties at work which may translate to how you deal with her. You sound like you don’t like her despite the ‘hugs’

Perhaps she picked up on that?

I've re-read the OP, and don't see any 'bitching'. Just a presentation of what's gone before.

The OP even stood up for birthday girl to the boss.

I second what CaledonianQueen says.
Tell your boss how you have been helping birthday girl above and beyond what you need to do . You don’t need to mention her incompetency , your manager will soon realise that herself.
You should say how you feel bullied/excluded by the fact you were the only person not invited and that you had been given the role of organising the collection by somebody who you assume ( considering her closeness to birthday girl) knew you hadn’t been invited.
I would phrase it as you are giving your boss the heads up about what has happened as you need her to be aware of this 8n case something else occurs in the workplace. It’s clear that this woman does not like you and was quite comfortable in embarrassing you in front of all of your colleagues who would realise you hadn’t been invited.
To me, this undermines your position in the company - she has deliberately embarrassed you and although the birthday bash was not in works time and nothing to do with work she has still humiliated you at work . People who don’t know you well may be wondering what you have done in order to be publically excluded like this. And, this could affect your working relationships so you HAVE t9 tell your boss.

STOPhelping her. Be professional and courteous and no more. Simply say ‘ No, I’m busy’ if she asks for help that is anything above what you have to do. As far as she is concerned, work to rule. No chatting, no making her tea, no hugs, nothing more than you HAVE to.
You are a much nicer person than I am. I would have taken my financial contribution back out of the collection!!
Tell your boss though, you need to protect yourself. Sly and underhand users like this Woman can be dangerous.

Now, pull on your big girl pants, wipe your face, put on some red lipstick tomorrow ( always makes me feel strong, I know it doesn’t work for everybody though) and hold your head high. And make sure you have a nice chat with the boss!

I think this is actually a form of bullying by exclusion, with a bit of deliberate nastiness ( by collection woman) thrown in.
It's essentially exactly the same as all the discussions seen on MN about not inviting the mean child to a party, yet including the rest of the class. But in this situation it's worse as you don't seem to have been mean per se, you have been more than nice.

I would definitely raise it with your manager, but I wouldn't include all the details of how you have been assisting this woman initially unless the manager does first i.e asks if there have been any other ongoing problems. Just focus on the exclusion - and how you feel uncomfortable at work as a result and the actions of collection bitch seem another deliberate act to make you feel excluded.
It's definitely something that should not be happening and yes you should feel upset.

And stop helping her - let her sink. She may resent you and be jealous. She is NOT a basically nice person or she wouldn't have done this. Stop being nice yourself, just do your job - no more tea - no more presents , just professional intereractions.

What a smug display of passive aggression.

I have often found that when you are good at your job and you are asked to help someone else, pretty soon the gratitude that you are helping them becomes resentment, as if they feel beholden to you even though that is not the case. Not everybody, most are just grateful and pretty soon don’t need the help. But when they continue to need help, although you are the solution, it is a reminder to them that they are not getting it.

I wouldn't raise it with your manager personally - I think it reflects badly to bring managers into these type of interpersonal issues unless you absolutely have to.

You have my every sympathy though, still hurts like hell when this type of thing happens no matter how old we get.

I second the advice to play it cool and distance yourself whilst still remaining pleasant and civil. Don't be accessible.

I wouldn't raise it with your manager personally - I think it reflects badly to bring managers into these type of interpersonal issues unless you absolutely have to.

Couldn't agree more. No manager is going to think better of someone for coming to them about something like this.

The OP has the power here - she just stops helping birthday girl, and has more time to do her own job well.

Op said that the CF is supposed to be helping OP, but is unable to do her own work and so frequently asks OP for help, even though she is very busy. This is the main issue OP needs to raise with the boss. She has effectively been carrying the CF at the expense of her own performance.
I agree that the party thing should not be the main issue of this discussion, but it should be mentioned in passing especially in relation to telling colleagues to keep quiet about the exclusion, which does bring it into the workplace as its undermining.
That's one thing, but the CF's best friend asking OP to take time out of her day to do the collection, knowing the circumstances is a massive lack of respect. I can't believe that CF was not aware of this and the boss should be made aware of the lenghts CF has gone too, especially whilst leaning heavily on OP for help and co-operation. If she can't do the job she's asked to, and keeps dumping her work on OP, then the situation needs to be brought to the Boss's attention. It would be interesting to know if the Boss was invited?
I hate to use the phrase "you've been too nice" since it implies that one should be as nasty as the CF, and also what is wrong with being nice? But there are people who are just users and see people who are "nice" as ones they can exploit.In this case, I think OP has been too nice and too helpful and the CF is accelerating her impositions because she thinks she can do that unopposed.

CF's behaviour over the exclusion and card collection is really nasty and indicates its time for change. If CF cannot stand on her own two feet and is not doing her job, OP should not have to continue to prop her up, regardless of the party behaviour. The boss needs to know that and do something about it. If not then she is also exploiting OP and I would actively start looking for a better job.

Really nasty. Agree with all pp, rise above but be very cool and distant from now on - no more favours.

I work in a large organisation and in my particular team there’s a group of very cliquey people who have lunch together and socialise outside of work. I’m not part of the group as I’m 10 years older than most of them and I don’t like to get too embroiled in colleagues’ personal life but there is one lad, their age, sits with them, who they exclude completely. They have a group chat without him on it so they can organise things without him hearing about it, one of them told me. They say he’s boring. He clearly knows they all meet up and he looks very lonely. I’ve told them how mean I think they are but they think it’s funny! It all makes me very uncomfortable.

Yanbu to feel hurt, anyone would feel hurt by this let alone being left out while being the collector/organiser of gift and helper.

I wonder if she feels there is a bit of criticism in your help or perhaps some patronising tone? Not that that would ever justify what she and her friend have done.

Personally I'd feel terribly hurt and betrayed but I'd also be very concerned that they have set you up in some way with regards to the birthday collection.

Being responsible for money in the office is risky, all it takes is one person to allege that there was more money paid in than what was spent and you could be looking at being investigated for theft.

Possibly the case at all, but I can't fathom why else you would be asked.

You need to rise above this, play a very cool game. Absolutely don't ask her or anybody else why you were excluded. Her actions are all you need to know.

Don't say "sorry" as pp have suggested AT ANY point when refusing to help in future.

Avoid eye contact and be busy/distracted, walk away etc. You don't need to give any explanation. Her work is her responsibility not yours.

I'd absolutely cover my back in this though with an email to my LM/HR outlining the circumstances and let them know that as they had you arrange the collection money you now feel very vulnerable.

Ask them if they're aware of any issues you should know about as it's quite a bold statement she's made with deliberately excluding you. You could let them know it's not a complaint, just a note on file should anything sinister be reported.

Falling way to make OP completely freak out!

Sending an email like that would make it look like she was covering her back for a reason. An omission from a party invite doesn't suddenly mean they're all out to set her up for theft WTF

OP just take a step back and let the party girl reveal her incompetence to those who need to know and carry on in a professional manner. It's a shit feeling but she's the one looking like a douche here, not you.

‘She’s a nice person...’ Sorry, you are being overly generous as nice people do not behave like this. Reading between the lines the woman feels out of her depth and envies your competence. Speaking from a similar experience drop her like a hot cake as the situation will not improve. She will never be reconciled to you and might even jeopardise your job as my ‘nice’ colleague did. I had to resign to get out of her toxic influence.