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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt that I wasn't invited?

197 replies

starsandstuff · 16/04/2018 12:09

I've worked in a community organisation for a year. A colleague had a milestone birthday at the weekend and turns out they had a party where everyone was invited except me, including staff who started after me. It was definitely deliberate, not an oversight, because I had been asking her on Friday what her plans were and she was really vague "Oh you know just socialising..." On one hand, obviously, I'm a grown up who didn't get invited to the birthday party, boo-hoo, big deal and grow up. She's an adult and can ask who she likes, and it wasn't an official works do. On the other hand she is not particularly good at her job because when she started it was a small organisation and it mushroomed past her capabilities, which she openly admits, and I spend a lot of time helping her out when she comes to me, even though my own job is really stressful and she should really be helping me! I have taken her side when the boss had been asking her to do things which she doesn't feel able for, so I feel a bit hurt. I went on a holiday last year and brought her back a little gift, because she does try hard, and because she is basically a nice person. I've never had a run-in with her or felt there was any bad feeling. And to add insult to injury, I was the one charged with organising her card and whip-round for her gift! I felt embarrassed this morning to realise I was the only one who wasn't asked to go and a colleague who I get on well with was really mortified about it and doesn't know why. I'm not asking her why I wasn't asked, because I know it's not that big of a deal really. I haven't been off with her or anything, I wished her Happy Birthday, gave her a hug and made her a cuppa. (Ok maybe secretly I'm trying to shame her into feeling bad ) But deep down I'm stinging. AIBU to be a bit upset?

OP posts:

Monkeypuzzle32 · 17/04/2018 18:46

she clearly isn't that nice, play the 'i'm too busy-so sorry' game at work from now on and don't help her!! she is an idiot if she relies on you to help her and has now alienated you

JoanofNarc · 17/04/2018 18:58

That's not nice and I to rally understand why you are upset. I have had similar happen to me and think holding your head high and being less available to help is the way to go. Don't ask her why as that will either satisfy her that she's upset you or she'll just lie. I hope you feel better soon OP

bippityboppityboop · 17/04/2018 19:00

Ouch! YANBU. That is really nasty and you have handled it very admirably.

Angrybird345 · 17/04/2018 19:06

What a bitch! Stop helping her and protecting her immediately.

eloisesparkle · 17/04/2018 19:12

Not the brightest crayon in the box now, is she?
Biting the hand that helps her.
Bi*ch.
How could she be so mean ?
No more help from you.
Do your job.
Be polite.

cansu · 17/04/2018 19:15

Agree with previous posts. Be professional and polite and that's it. Stop helping her out. If you were the only one not invited it was deliberate and fucking spiteful and childish. Feign complete disinterest in her.

LeighaJ · 17/04/2018 19:21

As others have said, stop helping her do her job, since she's shown you how much you actually matter to her.

sockunicorn · 17/04/2018 19:22

@starsandstuff This is such a horrible and nasty thing to do :(. Im sorry. Just a quick idea - you definitely havnt dated her DH or brother or something? Like an actual reason it would have been awkward to have you at her party? In which case she should have been mature and just had a quiet word with you so is still in the wrong.

I invited one of my friends to my DCs christening. She was dating my sisters old flame (my sisters first "real" boyfriend from when she was 17-21) at the time so I didnt put him on the invitation. It would just be a bit awkward with my sister and her DH there. But I didnt have "the conversation" as I just assumed she wouldnt bring him if his name wasnt on it. DF brought him anyway and it was majorly awkward . luckily i just said hi, ignored my sisters death ray stare and sashayed on by and continued with hostess-duties!

Troels · 17/04/2018 19:22

I hope you are pulling back and not being so helpful from now on OP, she doesn't deserve your friendship and help, let her sink on her own.

TheDowagerCuntess · 17/04/2018 19:22

She needs you a lot more than you need her, so it's an odd approach, that's for sure.

Gemini69 · 17/04/2018 19:43

And to add insult to injury, I was the one charged with organising her card and whip-round for her gift!

the Cheeky BASTARDS ..... this lot are true CF's .. I'm so sorry OP

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/04/2018 19:46

yep agree with the others. It's one thing not to ask you. It's another to ask all your colleagues to be in on the secret of not telling you. Far worse to do that than to not invite you in the first place.
Your colleague who was mortified by this sounds nice and that points to the fact that not everyone was impressed with this woman's behaviour.
I like the idea of "go high" and be civil, polite and professional, but also I'd stop obliging her all the time. You have your own job to think about and you now know, you owe her nothing. It is hurtful but She is already showing herself up and others have noticed. Try to ignore this but move past it better informed. Good Luck.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/04/2018 19:50

Also. Does the person who charged you with organising her card know you were not invited? Were they invited? If not I'd definately tell them that the card collection has made the whole thing extra embarrassing for you and that you don't want to be involved in any card collections in future. Its not your job and They can do that themselves from now on.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/04/2018 19:52

All this is a bit more nasty than the usual awkward people-left-out-unfortunately situations.

She really did deliberately leave you out.

She had no second thoughts about doing that - so really, don't help her out any more.

Beautifully, she's given you a perfect line to take on that.

'Oh I'm sure you can manage!' (big smile)

'I'm a bit busy now but I'm sure you'll be ok' (big smile)

'No, you're ok - you carry on, and I'll just carry on with my stuff' (big smile.

Then, when she asks what's wrong...

'Oh well you know, after your birthday party... when I realised that I was the only one left out I thought, I've probably been totally over the top and you've been too nice to say - helping you - cups of tea - doing bits of your job - I know, totally in your face you poor thing, and you were too nice to say (big BIG smile). So don't worry. I do understand and I'll definitely give you the space you need from now on. You just get on, I promise I won't say a word to help!'

Hahahahahahaha but wouldn't you just LOVE to?

murmelimoo · 17/04/2018 19:55

What pisses me off and hurts me more than anything with things like this (I had an identical situation) is the being lied to. For me that is worse than being left out

hdh747 · 17/04/2018 20:06

How nasty, I can't fathom what the reason would be. If you're inviting everyone else, you wouldn't leave one person out, even if you barely knew them or something, since it would be rude when you work together, so clearly she's making some kind of point here, just jiggered if I know what it is.
Do let us know if you find out, and in the meantime I'd leave her to get on with her own job if it was me. And I like Fizzygreen's answer.

HonkyWonkWoman · 17/04/2018 20:10

Still think there's been a misunderstanding regarding the invitation but until OP mentions it to her we'll never know!

He11y · 17/04/2018 20:14

Wow! I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t feel put out by that! I’d ask her personally because it would eat away at me otherwise. Seems the best solution to me. Asking anyone else is only going to give you their interpretation so ask the woman herself or let it go.

shanefolan29 · 17/04/2018 20:16

''I've been in this situation where I was the only one not to be invited to a leaving do of someone I thought I got on well with.''

Yep, people are strange creatures and can be unpredictable. As my mum used to say ''you never know who you can trust, those who we are closest to can often betray us.'' On the one hand you can think you are besties yet they will drop you at the drop of a hat and you can be left with a 1000 questions and cut. I have seen it enough times both happen to myself and others.

To the op, I would not address this- this girl is a colleague and clearly not a friend. Remember the workplace is not a place for friends. I have seen similar stuff happen in my workplace and those who admitted they were hurt just got gossiped about. Do not mention this to any colleagues or the girl and act completely indifferent is my advise. To show emotion over it will just have you gossiped about-people in the workplace love scandals like this so say nothing and feign indifference. Just accept her as a colleague and nothing else, I know it stings but move on.

MizCracker · 17/04/2018 20:16

Ugh, a similar thing happened to me last year. I was part of a group of six "mum friends" that met when our kids were at preschool. We'd go out for drinks every couple of months. I was under no illusions that we were best friends, but I thought we all got on well enough. Then everyone apart from me got invited to a birthday party...

To be honest I felt quite humiliated. It totally changed the way I felt about all of them. So I'm friendly when I see them in the school playground but that's about it.

Still think there's been a misunderstanding regarding the invitation but until OP mentions it to her we'll never know!

The OP has made it pretty clear that Birthday Girl had several opportunities to mention throwing a party, but didn't. Seems pretty clear that she didn't want OP to know about it.

MrMeeseeks · 17/04/2018 20:29

It's so natural and normal to feel shitty in this kind of situation but please don't let it bruise you too much. Some people are actually just arseholes. Full stop.

HonkyWonkWoman · 17/04/2018 20:29

She's probably right about being snubbed then MizCracker.
I just can't seem to get my head around the absolute hard-facedness of her.
though. Especially her walking in on the Monday morning after the party and receiving a hug from OP.
I suppose I've been lucky that this has never happened to me and to my knowledge no-one I know and I would certainly not do this to anyone.
What a weird woman!

purplebunny2012 · 17/04/2018 20:33

I wonder if she thinks you don't like her and maybe resent her for having to keep stopping what you're doing to help her out.

Aridane · 17/04/2018 20:35

When she asks for help next time, say how was your party hoe you had a lovely time and then say sorry I’m a it snowed under with my own work and turn away

No, don’t do that - continue to be polite and professional

Ladywillpower · 17/04/2018 20:37

I completely understand why you are hurt OP I would be too!
However you have the upper hand here, next time she comes asking for help a bright & breezy " sorry I an a bit busy" will do nicely.
The same has happened to me & it is horrible

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