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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that I wasn't invited?

197 replies

starsandstuff · 16/04/2018 12:09

I've worked in a community organisation for a year. A colleague had a milestone birthday at the weekend and turns out they had a party where everyone was invited except me, including staff who started after me. It was definitely deliberate, not an oversight, because I had been asking her on Friday what her plans were and she was really vague "Oh you know just socialising..." On one hand, obviously, I'm a grown up who didn't get invited to the birthday party, boo-hoo, big deal and grow up. She's an adult and can ask who she likes, and it wasn't an official works do. On the other hand she is not particularly good at her job because when she started it was a small organisation and it mushroomed past her capabilities, which she openly admits, and I spend a lot of time helping her out when she comes to me, even though my own job is really stressful and she should really be helping me! I have taken her side when the boss had been asking her to do things which she doesn't feel able for, so I feel a bit hurt. I went on a holiday last year and brought her back a little gift, because she does try hard, and because she is basically a nice person. I've never had a run-in with her or felt there was any bad feeling. And to add insult to injury, I was the one charged with organising her card and whip-round for her gift! I felt embarrassed this morning to realise I was the only one who wasn't asked to go and a colleague who I get on well with was really mortified about it and doesn't know why. I'm not asking her why I wasn't asked, because I know it's not that big of a deal really. I haven't been off with her or anything, I wished her Happy Birthday, gave her a hug and made her a cuppa. (Ok maybe secretly I'm trying to shame her into feeling bad Grin) But deep down I'm stinging. AIBU to be a bit upset?

OP posts:
Pinkvoid · 16/04/2018 16:19

YANBU. I would refuse to help her in future, however petty that may be. It isn’t as if she has only invited a couple of colleagues she is particularly close to but she’s invited everyone (including newbies) and just conveniently left you out. Also can’t claim she ‘forgot’ about you considering the fact you conversed with her about it.

In future if she asks for help just say sorry, I’m busy.

eddielizzard · 16/04/2018 17:27

very shitty treatment but best thing is to rise above. ask the friend in a few weeks when it's all settled down. the part timer who asked you to organise collection is a snake in the grass. watch your back with the both of them.

PatchworkElmer · 16/04/2018 17:36

In your situation I’d also rise above it. It stings though, doesn’t it- something eerily similar has recently happened to me Flowers

HollowTalk · 16/04/2018 17:43

I think this is classed as bullying, OP, if you invite everyone except one person. It's social exclusion.

I know you probably won't agree, but I would speak to your boss. I'd also mention her best friend (who would've known you weren't invited to the party) and her role in asking you to buy the present. That was very cruel and calculated.

And for God's sake don't help the birthday girl any more. Just don't do it. Do your job and let her do her own, even if that means she sinks.

BerylStreep · 16/04/2018 17:52

There are some utterly mysogonistic people in the world. I think we, probably, all meet a few in our lifetime.

Good enough for the bitch!

TattyTShirt you do know what misogynistic means? There's nothing the OP has said that suggests the motivation behind this was misogyny. But to use denigrating terms towards women such as bitch - that's pretty misogynistic - were you intending to be ironic?

bonnyshide · 16/04/2018 18:00

YANBU to be hurt. Excluding you was a very unkind thing to do.

Don't ask around it try to find out what happened, just rise above it.

And definitely a big fat 'No' next time she asks you to help.

Bluntness100 · 16/04/2018 18:41

Have a get together op and don't invite her. Pub night out or something.

pigmcpigface · 17/04/2018 11:14

" but now I think it was either spiteful (but she's not been like that in the past tbf) or just incredibly tactless"

One other alternative- she doesn't know how badly this woman has behaved towards you, because she (the birthday girl) has kept it quiet. To be honest, if someone said to me "I'm having a birthday party, and I'm inviting everyone from the office except X" I would say "Hey, that's a bit mean, she's always helping you out, how come she doesn't get an invite??".

You sound lovely, btw. And very sensitive and kind.

Weezol · 17/04/2018 11:22

picmcpig I think you're on to something, especially as other colleagues were confused by Stars not knowing about the party.

Stars It sounds to me like this woman has taken advantage of your good nature. Stop helping her and you may find over the next few months she can't actually do her job. Either that or she's lazy and will try to find someone else to palm off her work on.

Sparklesocks · 17/04/2018 11:33

YANBU to be upset by this – it doesn’t matter how old we get, this sort of thing stings – and it’s horrible as it transports you back to your school days you thought you’d left behind!

Agree with PP that you should be civil and friendly but very much keep her at arm’s length – don’t help her with her work, don’t dedicate your time/effort to her. You can be polite and just say you’re too busy.

If you’re feeling really confident you could breezily say ‘oh I heard you had a party, did you have a nice time?’ after your decline to help and see if she squirms!

Mummingainteasy · 17/04/2018 11:51

Another YANBU here too! It's never nice to be left out no matter your age!

Dojos · 17/04/2018 18:03

Oh you are defo NBU. That's stings and more than anything is such divisive behaviour.

I had that at my last job where everyone but my manager was 10 years younger and I was never invited. So whilst it felt like exclusion and I felt silly for feeling that way, I totally understood.

Kill her with kindness but pull it back to being professional as this is obviously how she sees your relationship. And definitely stop pandering to her incompetence!

JustDanceAddict · 17/04/2018 18:11

I’d be hurt too. Even as an adult I get upset if I have t been invited to something I think I should’ve. A few years ago I wasn’t invited to a school mum’s 40th, I only found out about it because someone had posted on FB.
Re work - she should’ve invited you, even just to be polite! I would stop bailing her out now and being nice to her. I certainly invited line managers to birthday things if I was friends with them, so the ‘boss’ excuse doesn’t always stand.

Furano · 17/04/2018 18:13

*It's only natural to be upset, I'd be stopping helping her from now on. If it's not your job politely say that you don't have time to help

This.

I think most people would be upset in this situation.

Strongmummy · 17/04/2018 18:17

@Tatty Why is it misogynist?!

OP - yanbu.

simiisme · 17/04/2018 18:22

What MumW said
Rotten of her to leave you out.

Juells · 17/04/2018 18:24

I'm a bit passive aggressive, so next time someone asked me to help I'd not only say "Sorry, I'm busy" but then I'd make it obvious I wasn't busy at all Grin

Missuseff · 17/04/2018 18:25

Oh poor you! Definitely NBU, I went through this a few years ago when a mum I was really close with and had worked on a big event with had a milestone bday party and her DH (who openly doesn’t like me) basically invited everyone parent at school to a huge bash... except for me. I then had to face the indignity of having every other parent talking about on the following Monday morning and ask me why I’d missed it? When I explained I hadn’t been invited (read: her DH had obviously omitted me deliberately) that got back to her and she confronted ME for being so rude as to say that...until she apparently asked him if it was true and he said yes!

You’re the better employee and the bigger person. Smile and take comfort in the knowledge you don’t have to live inside her sad, pathetic headspace... and no more helping her hide that she is mediocre!!! He’ll to the nahhhhhh!

Missuseff · 17/04/2018 18:26

*Hell, even

CocoaGin · 17/04/2018 18:28

It tells you everything you need to know about her. She doesn't value your input or help. So stop doing it. Look after no 1 and smile sweetly while doing so. Very good advice to rise above it.

HotSauceCommittee · 17/04/2018 18:32

What a total bastard! What a fucker! Ergh! You sound nice and it’s far better to be you, in your position rather than to be someone like that! Yuck!
Kick her in the fanny!*

*not really, but have fun imagining it.

Strigiformes · 17/04/2018 18:34

I would definitely stop helping her op, she's clearly taken you for granted massively. I can't work out why she would exclude you so deliberately, maybe she's jealous and is trying to push you to resign?

PBSCD · 17/04/2018 18:35

This happen to me and my husband! I hasten to add we were on holiday been to same place last 7 years so everyone knows everyone. She went around the sun beds whispering she was having drinks in the bar for her birthday and would they like to join her, I was very disappointed because she had even friended me on FB. This year when I go I will blank her and if she mentions what’s wrong I will just say sorry you are not the type of person I like to be associated with. I deleted her from my friends on FB, made me feel better.

KERALA1 · 17/04/2018 18:38

What a thicko she is

Snowman123 · 17/04/2018 18:40

Aww I understand why you are hurt, and I would be too.

But i can tell from your calm and collected reaction that your a nice person, and frankly someone who invites the whole office and leaves one person out isn't.