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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt that I wasn't invited?

197 replies

starsandstuff · 16/04/2018 12:09

I've worked in a community organisation for a year. A colleague had a milestone birthday at the weekend and turns out they had a party where everyone was invited except me, including staff who started after me. It was definitely deliberate, not an oversight, because I had been asking her on Friday what her plans were and she was really vague "Oh you know just socialising..." On one hand, obviously, I'm a grown up who didn't get invited to the birthday party, boo-hoo, big deal and grow up. She's an adult and can ask who she likes, and it wasn't an official works do. On the other hand she is not particularly good at her job because when she started it was a small organisation and it mushroomed past her capabilities, which she openly admits, and I spend a lot of time helping her out when she comes to me, even though my own job is really stressful and she should really be helping me! I have taken her side when the boss had been asking her to do things which she doesn't feel able for, so I feel a bit hurt. I went on a holiday last year and brought her back a little gift, because she does try hard, and because she is basically a nice person. I've never had a run-in with her or felt there was any bad feeling. And to add insult to injury, I was the one charged with organising her card and whip-round for her gift! I felt embarrassed this morning to realise I was the only one who wasn't asked to go and a colleague who I get on well with was really mortified about it and doesn't know why. I'm not asking her why I wasn't asked, because I know it's not that big of a deal really. I haven't been off with her or anything, I wished her Happy Birthday, gave her a hug and made her a cuppa. (Ok maybe secretly I'm trying to shame her into feeling bad ) But deep down I'm stinging. AIBU to be a bit upset?

OP posts:

Failingat40 · 18/04/2018 08:18

@spacestranger I see where you're coming from, I didn't mean to upset op or scare her.

I guess my anxious mind sees things differently to others

QueenDaisy · 18/04/2018 08:19

What she’s done is mean & nasty, like others have said, stop helping her at work, let her find another mug, maybe one that went to her party

MarthasGinYard · 18/04/2018 08:22

Yanbu

I'd start making your own life easier not hers. Sounds like you take her slack quite a bit.

Can't believe you sorted collection too.

Pradababe · 18/04/2018 08:27

Maybe already said but....

Does she think you 'work' for her because you have been so supportive and because you collected money/card for the birthday therefore she is your 'superior'? and feels you weren't' A list enough?

definitely leave a distance and watch your back as she will be slow to realise then potentially manipulate the scenario.

Keep a diary if anything kicks off but its never too late to realise some adults are quite babyish in their behaviour.

You sound like a fab work colleague btw

Crazyladee · 18/04/2018 08:35

I really feel for you as that scenario would leave me feeling totally shit and hurt.

With a big party like that with all the work friends invited, how come there was no chatter going on at work beforehand within your earshot about it like arranging lifts, taxis, what's everyone wearing etc? Do you want to come to mine beforehand for a drink? And surely it must have become apparent to the rest of the work friends that you were the only one not invited. Why didn't anyone ask the birthday girl beforehand why you weren't invited?
Sorry if this has already been mentioned I haven't read all the posts.

Very shitty for you OP.

HonkyWonkWoman · 18/04/2018 09:16

I have mentioned a couple of times that the invitation could have gone astray but we would never know unless the OP asks the party girl why the whole office was invited to her party and she wasn't.

I would definitely want to know for sure before I start being off hand with this work collegue.

Otherwise, as pp are saying , the whole office must be in on the snub.
So OP has to presume no one in the office likes her.
Surely that will be more upsetting than a two minute conversation with party girl, that OP seems unable to have.

Mummingainteasy · 18/04/2018 09:29

honky I think OP has said she asked her what plans she had for the weekend and she didn't mention the party. Surely if a lost invitation was the case, she would have then?? I don't get the feeling there was a missed invitation here.

Agree with PP that you should stop helping her out so much.

Curly1girl · 18/04/2018 09:37

YANBU.
I felt like this too, when really I didn't have a right to. I wasn't invited to my boss's retirement do, however I had been off work sick for a year and I know it was because it was an expensive meal so why would he invite somebody that hadn't been in work? I don't think it was personal as we got on very well Still it hurt & I feel a distance when I see him now. Feelings are feelings no matter how old you are. Sending hugs.

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/04/2018 09:38

Honky - I really think that has been addressed. How can the invitation have gone astray?

The OP asked birthday girl what she was doing the Friday before, and she just said 'socialising'. The invitation clearly did not go astray.

And I wouldn't ask why I wasn't invited either. I agree with the OP - I might not like the answer. And I'd want to reserve some shred of dignity. Asking is a bit pathetic.

And the whole office isn't necessarily in on the snub.

If I'm invited to something, I don't assume everyone - or even anyone - else has. Anyone with an ounce of social nous keeps it to themselves, because if someone else hasn't been invited, it's incredibly awkward.

browneyes77 · 18/04/2018 09:52

Honky The OP has said a few times that she asked the Birthday colleague what her plans for her birthday were and she just said “ah, just socialising” and then after her birthday she asked her if she’d had a nice birthday etc and she replied that she did. No party mentioned at all in either conversation.

If she had an invitation she had intended to give to the OP then she surely would’ve said about the party to the OP when first asked and been a bit stumped that the OP didn’t realise there was a party. And when OP asked how her birthday had gone, she would have surely said she was sorry the OP couldn’t make it etc.

The fact that she didn’t mention the party at all and was purposefully vague when asked about it, clearly shows the OP didn’t have a lost invite.

registeredtrademark · 18/04/2018 09:53

I remember when I was new in a job, been there for a couple of months. One lunchtime, the entire department all got up and started to get ready to go out at lunchtime. A department lunch had been organised and I had not been invited as I was the only 'temporary' worker, not permanent. They all trooped out laughing and joking and it was as though I was completely invisible.

I could have burst into tears when I realised what had happened. I was literally sitting alone, eating my lunch alone in the office for several hours. I am a lot more senior now and would never let this happen to anyone in my office. I detest 'cliques' or deliberate 'exclusions' of any form.

My guess is that she knows you are aware of her flaws, and she hates you for it. There are people like this, who can't bear others to see their weakness and failings, its almost like you are a constant reminder of them. Very shallow and emotionally immature.

FloralMist · 18/04/2018 09:58

I'd be all "Oi! Lost my invite did ya?" but seriously ask the guy who's her mate i would be dying to know why.

Juells · 18/04/2018 10:11

I wasn't invited to my boss's retirement do, however I had been off work sick for a year and I know it was because it was an expensive meal so why would he invite somebody that hadn't been in work?

Sosog00d · 18/04/2018 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/04/2018 10:45

OP has said very clearly that she's sure there was no invite to go astray. I do think that something must have been said to the colleagues who were invited not to discuss it at work, since someone would have said something about a mutual event they were all going to.
I still think you need to say something to the Boss, not so much about the party exclusion, but about the work she's supposed to be helping with and has you helping her with instead and about her friend passing on the job of card collecting to you. Deciding to exclude you like this is a real signal that she views you as opposition, saying nothing a rising above it is great in principle, but in reality it allows CFs like her to get away with awful behaviour and to escalate it because nothing has been said to counteract it. Sorry, but I think you need to cover yourself with your boss and let them see what is going on.

Original poster

starsandstuff · 18/04/2018 11:57

Hi, I really appreciate all the kind responses. I was a bit afraid I'd get loads of people telling me to wise up! So thanks for the empathy, and sorry for all the ones who've experienced something similar.

I'm definitely not going to ask because she's not going to actually say "Because I don't like you!" to my face (I don't think) so I'll probably not believe whatever excuse she comes up with anyway. I did try to ask the guy - we were in the kitchen alone and he said "We had a great night at the party" which leads me to think he didn't know I wasn't invited so at least there wasn't a conspiracy - he wouldn't be that tactless. I said "I wasn't invited" and he said "Oh..." I said "Have I done something to offend her or something?" and he replied "Oh no she wouldn't be like that" and I was just about to be all "WELL THEN WHYYYYY??!" but someone walked in (maybe luckily) and I had to leave it, and then I haven't seen him since. So that ship has sailed and I'm no wiser, I think it would be too needy to bring it up again. There's also no point in saying to the Boss because they're friends - it's why she has the job - and she's useless in her own way but that's a whole other thread...

So I'll just have to deal with not knowing why and my wounded pride, but I have definitely pulled back, and been polite but reserved. I said to Card Lady, all smiles, "Did you have a nice time on Saturday?" and she looked a bit taken aback, and then said "Oh yes it was fun", so she knows I know and I know she'll have said to Birthday Girl. I do wonder if they thought I'd just never find out or something which seems a bit stupid. Yesterday she asked me to take a call she didn't want to deal with, which is regular, and I just said "No that's not for me. Put it through to Boss." and she looked a bit surprised. Then later she had popped into my office to update me on a project, but of course got the info wrong. When the Boss told me the real info later, normally I would just have said nothing, but I said "Oh BG told me the opposite earlier" and Boss looked a bit annoyed. I also emailed her something and copied to Boss (standard procedure) and there's a thing she's supposed to do that she never gets right - you wouldn't believe how simple this thing is and it drives me insane that she fucks it up all the time but usually I just redo it myself - and I put "Please ensure you do Thing." And in my final act of passive aggression I made myself tea all day yesterday and didn't once offer them any which is unthinkable here So when I came in today she was all nice as pie and said "Oh yes I got your email, no problem" and then made me tea. So she knows her card is marked. She will rue the day. Rue I say!

In a way as some have said she's definitely done me a favour. It really has added to my stress here having to help her so much and now I feel able to say no, which is a problem for me in general to be honest. So thanks for all the good advice and sorry for the world's longest update! Hugs y'all.

OP posts:

Monkeypuzzle32 · 18/04/2018 12:06

good on you-sounds like the best way, 'out nice' her but do nothing for her ever again and dont make any excuses for her shoddy work.

Juells · 18/04/2018 12:09

Great update, and glad you've learned that passive aggression is your friend 😁

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 18/04/2018 12:13

Brilliant update.

So glad on all levels. You sound happier too and that’s the best bit

supercalifragilisticexpiali · 18/04/2018 12:13

”She will rue the day. Rue I say!“

😆 Good for you.

honeyroar · 18/04/2018 12:18

Love it. Fantastic. You just needed to raise your tea mug at her with a passive aggressive "happy birthday!"

Seriously, she will rue the day (perhaps already is a bit now you're not picking up mistakes for her!). Enjoy your less stressful work life. And if card lady ever asks you to do the collection again for someone, you probably won't have time for that either, will you..?

McDougal · 18/04/2018 12:23

I hope that she does rue the day! And enjoy all the tea you'll get in recompense for the invite

LaContessaDiPlump · 18/04/2018 12:35

Ha ha. Actions have consequences, BG!!

Be scrupulously fair now, op. Do her an occasional very minor favour, as colleagues do, so she can't whinge that you have abandoned her altogether. But pull right back from the help you were providing before.... that's how to mess with them

halfwitpicker · 18/04/2018 12:38

Your colleague is obviously a total idiot...

You, however, are awesome and your last post made me howl out loud on a miserable Wednesday morning commute!

FizzyGreenWater · 18/04/2018 12:40

Hahaha brilliant!

Well done OP.

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