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AIBU?

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Original poster

Another MIL one

174 replies

longhairdocare · 14/04/2018 14:18

We live in London. A couple of Christmases ago SIL said she was coming to visit so we gave her DD (DN then aged 11) a homemade token for Christmas saying we'd take her into Top Shop Oxford St and buy her an outfit. She was ecstatic as SIL is a singlr mum and didn't have a lot of cash for fashion.

The trip never happened. SIL has a history of bring all talk and so after 6 months (on DN's birthday) I sent DN some money for an outfit alongside her birthday gift because I felt bad.

Months passed. DH lost his job (contract ended out of the blue) and we are now in a completely different situation to what we were. We aren't homeless or starving because we have savings but we're not sure what the future holds. DH's family know he has no job. I even mentioned that we may have to move because London house prices are ridiculous and our mortgage is steep...

...SO WHY THE FUCK HAS MIL HAS TURNED UP THIS WEEKEND WITH DN CLUTCHING HER TOKEN AND SAYING SHE'S COME TO CASH IT IN?

Angry

DN, now 13, is wanting some summer prom dress or something and we are expected to pay. It's not her fault. MIL is a bitch.

I'm not sure what to do. They have come on the train, nowhere else to stay, DIDN'T FUCKING TELL US, and think it is an hilarious prank. They expect to stay the night.

The train fare would have cost more than a bloody dress.

I'm going out and leaving DH to it.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 14/04/2018 14:21
Shock
Aprilmightbemynewname · 14/04/2018 14:23

Stay at a friend's and leave dh to host would be my plan.

Americantan · 14/04/2018 14:23

Did you make clear the extra cash alongside the birthday gift was to replace the token?

boxyfingo · 14/04/2018 14:24

How annoying. They are not expecting you to cough up more money are they? I would put them up for the night but leave them to sort out a clothes shopping trip while you deal with "that thing" you had planned for today!

PurpleSea · 14/04/2018 14:25

I'm speechless Shock

TitaniasCloset · 14/04/2018 14:25

That's so rude. Not a joke at all. And now dn will be disappointed, but not your fault.

missbonita · 14/04/2018 14:26

WTF?

They didn't mention they were coming and expect you to take her shopping for a prom dress? That's madness.

FASH84 · 14/04/2018 14:27

Did MIL know you'd sent cash instead of the voucher, (regardless she knows your current financial situation) was the gift swap made clear to DN? Other than that who on earth turns up unannounced for an overnight visit, and just expects to be taken shopping. I also think an outfit is different to a prom dress her mum should be covering that our as you said MIL could've used the train fare to treat her to a prom dress!

PeachQueen · 14/04/2018 14:27

Well did you tell MIL when she turned up that DN has ALREADY had the cash for this and she has made a wasted journey?

MIL sounds like a conniving cow like mine!

Go get yourself a Prosecco in a bar and chill!

BerylStreep · 14/04/2018 14:28
Shock

I would have to walking around making PA comments such as 'I wish you had let us know in advance' over and over again.

Perhaps DH could pull his mother aside and explain that she has put you all in a very difficult position, that you have already sent money in lieu of the shopping trip, and you can't afford it. Perhaps she might want to fork out for the dress. Would she have the money?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/04/2018 14:29

Would I buggery leave it to DH to explain. I'd tell his mother she was a tactless, thoughtless cow whose actions had caused her son a lot of embarrassment and financial difficulty. I'd leave her in no doubt that her selfish 'little joke' and bonding session with her GD had damaged her relationship with her own son.

Good luck managing to cope in a calm(ish) manner and not shouting at her!

FASH84 · 14/04/2018 14:29

Tell her vouchers don't last two years and then run for the hills (or the nearest licensed premises)

SilverBirchTree · 14/04/2018 14:31
Shock
YimminiYoudar · 14/04/2018 14:31

If you didn't make it clear that the extra cash was in lieu of the token then there was no reason for them not to think through token was still live.

Does the token specify top shop? Does it specify an amount? There are some perfectly decent prom-type dresses in topshop in the £25-£35 range so set a budget you can afford, and give her something much smaller on future birthdays & Christmases till the budget balances.

AsAProfessionalPenis · 14/04/2018 14:34

DN is old enough to understand. Tell her you sent a present instead and let MIL treat her

Original poster
longhairdocare · 14/04/2018 14:34

Americantan I thought I had but this is typical SIL. I once gave her a Christmas present early because it was tickets to show in November... and she complained to MIL on Christmas Day that she hadn't got a present from us.

So MIL might not even know about the extra £.

It's DN's birthday soon (13 at end of May) so we would be getting her a present then anyway, but would be running to a dress unless it is cheap!

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 14/04/2018 14:34

I would be telling MIL myself the situation has changed and that as the trip didn’t happen, you sent money and a birthday present in lieu of the non-trip.

TinaTop · 14/04/2018 14:35

I'd politely explain that she didn't come to cash the token that Christmas so you sent the money and therefore she's already had it so won't be getting it again, and you can't afford to give the money twice. Don't leave DP to it if you think he'll cave and just pay!

I can see how MIL might have thought it would be nice for DN to have a trip and a dress, instead of just spending the train fare on a dress. It's possible that neither MIL nor DN knew you'd sent cash. Is it possible that SIL pocketed the money? Very cheeky to turn up unannounced though, you need to have words about that so it doesnt happen again.

bimbobaggins · 14/04/2018 14:39

Is it possible that they thought the money you sent at her birthday 6 months later was part of her birthday gift?

Original poster
longhairdocare · 14/04/2018 14:43

MIL wouldn't have the money for a dress I don't think. She gets those special offer train tickets by booking ages in advance (so I bet she's planned this for fucking weeks and never said a bloody word).

Token specifies Top Shop Oxford Street when she came down with her mum. No actual date though. SIL was supposed to be coming down that Christmas just for a couple of days to see the lights etc.

When I sent the money for the outfit I definitely said it was because we hadn't got her an outfit for Christmas because they never came to visit. I wrote it on the envelope with the cash in and out it in her card.

Have told DH (who has a crap memory for stuff like this) what happened and that I am never buying gifts for his family again, he's on his own, and that I'm going out.

OP posts:
JennyWoodentop · 14/04/2018 14:43

Wow, I can see why you are cross, what on earth does MIL think she is playing at getting the poor child's hopes up like that? Does she have form for this type of behaviour?

Leaving DH to it is fine - his mother, his problem - but you know their dynamic, how likely is he to give in when you're not there and just give them the money? If he does, how much of a problem will you have with that?

You could take MIL aside & tell her how inappropriate she's been & you could say sorry to DN but you can't afford a dress for her & you are sorry people got her hopes up without discussing it with you & then just get her something small like a bit of make up - but she's 13, she's not going to understand & she will be upset. MIL will be cross you've called her out on it & there could be a big family row....

Depends what you think is the least worst outcome & how you want to set the tone for the future. For me this would depend on what I could actually afford to do for DN, who is blameless in all this by the sound of it, and how much of a manipulative so & so MIL is & how much I feel she needs putting right.

Good luck.

Oh, and if they are staying over dinner is take out & MIL pays!

Gemini69 · 14/04/2018 14:46

that's very manipulative to turn up unannounced with an expectation of you paying for a Prom dress... WTAF Shock

Original poster
longhairdocare · 14/04/2018 14:48

I don't think SIL would have taken the £ because the card was addressed to DN and she was old enough to open it herself. DN is old enough to know better I think but she is still young and MIL , maybe SIL, are cheeky fuckers and she's either been swept along with it all or is turning into a CF herself.

DH wanted to go out tonight. Ha! No chance now.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 14/04/2018 14:49

but she's 13, she's not going to understand & she will be upset

Of coarse she's going to understand!! I have two 13 year olds and no way would I even consider 'cashing in' a two year old gift EVEN if they hadn't sent any money instead.

Go out and leave your DH to sort this out.

JennyWoodentop · 14/04/2018 14:51

Cross posted - if it's her birthday soon you could give her whatever you would have spent on a gift & send her off so she still gets her shopping trip & make it clear there will be nothing else for her on the birthday I suppose. If the amount you set aside for birthdays is not as much as she hoped for, too bad, she got something.

If MIL didn't know you had sent money with a note saying it was in lieu of the Christmas outfit then maybe she's just a bit thick with the whole surprise visit thing rather than being manipulative?