Another MIL one

[longhairdocare]

We live in London. A couple of Christmases ago SIL said she was coming to visit so we gave her DD (DN then aged 11) a homemade token for Christmas saying we'd take her into Top Shop Oxford St and buy her an outfit. She was ecstatic as SIL is a singlr mum and didn't have a lot of cash for fashion.

The trip never happened. SIL has a history of bring all talk and so after 6 months (on DN's birthday) I sent DN some money for an outfit alongside her birthday gift because I felt bad.

Months passed. DH lost his job (contract ended out of the blue) and we are now in a completely different situation to what we were. We aren't homeless or starving because we have savings but we're not sure what the future holds. DH's family know he has no job. I even mentioned that we may have to move because London house prices are ridiculous and our mortgage is steep...

...SO WHY THE FUCK HAS MIL HAS TURNED UP THIS WEEKEND WITH DN CLUTCHING HER TOKEN AND SAYING SHE'S COME TO CASH IT IN?

DN, now 13, is wanting some summer prom dress or something and we are expected to pay. It's not her fault. MIL is a bitch.

I'm not sure what to do. They have come on the train, nowhere else to stay, DIDN'T FUCKING TELL US, and think it is an hilarious prank. They expect to stay the night.

The train fare would have cost more than a bloody dress.

I'm going out and leaving DH to it.

Wow that is a pita family to be tied too, not to mention your dh if he caves.

Home now and MIL and DN had left when I got here. Phone died last night (forgot to take charger) and although I could have borrowed my friend's, I used it as an excuse and just left them all to it.

It seems MIL gave DH a sob story about DN not getting on with her mother's (SIL's) new boyfriend and needing a treat, so she thought up the trip. What exactly this had to do with us, and why we were designated to pay for this, I have no idea and DH didn't think to ask. He also didn't think to ask why it had to be a secret from us. Just general fuckery all round on MIL's behalf.

Anyway, DH was sucked in and bought the dress. £40 was spent (more than we would have spent on a birthday gift but not as bad as it could have been) and he bought them a snack while they were out. He didn't enjoy the shopping, MI didn't enjoy the burger, so all in all it was a bit of crap trip for them. (Good!)

He said he didn't have any time to discuss the situation with MIL because DN was around, but MIL had managed to let him know about the boyfriend situation without her around so I think he was just reluctant.

DN has put a picture of the dress on Instagram (I presume it is the dress she bought, pic was taken in changing room. DH doesn't know as "all the dresses looked the same") so I will print it off and make a card with it for DN's birthday. THIS IS THE LAST THING I AM DOING FOR THAT FAMILY.

Thank you to all for understanding why I was so angry. I had a nice night at my friend's house and have declined DH's suggestion that we go out tonight as he didn't last night. After all, he has to save the money he spent somewhere.

Can't help feeling sorry for DN though. She has done the whole "Slaying London!" thing on her Instagram picture when really she was having a bit of a crap time.

Really cheeky thing for your MIL to do. As you say the cost of the train tickets probably would have paid for the dress. I feel a bit sorry for your DH too and think he should definitely say something to his mum too. Incidentally what would she have done if you were both out?

Well DN had a night away and a dress and time with GM

It's wasn't your issue to solve.

Your husband seemed a bit 'rabbit caught in the headlights' and I hope he realised how peed off you were with the whole situation

He still needs to have the conversation with DM and Sis about the whole turn up unannounced part and expected beds/entertainment etc'

I think your DN probably walked out and GM was trying to cheer her up somewhat - ring SIL and asked hat happened without being accusing

TBH, I would simply ignore.
It's not for you to get involved in your SIL and her BF or the MIL.

You've kept out so far and best outcome will be if you still keep you :)

Let MIL deal with SIL/DN drama.

Or... DH gets involved and not you..

Well could have been worse I suppose and glad DN is happy. It wasn’t her fault. Sgree your dh was deer in the headlights but hopefully your mil won’t pull another stunt like this.

Sil sounds truly awful.

I think you have to decide if you can face the fallout or not.
Personally, I would have to explain once again that a replacement for the token had already been given.
This happened to me once - I sent my friend's son a cheque once for his birthday - I didn't notice the cheque hadn't been cashed - she produced the cheque six months later demanding the cash, claiming she had given the boy the money on the day and I HAD to re-imburse her. I've been caught out and lost out to friends several times - nowadays I would like to think I would speak up!

I’m undecided whether to say anything to anyone other than DH or not. If that is the end of it, then I’m inclined to just write it off as MIL being a CF. Of course, then it, or similar, could happen again.

I told DH that that was IT as far as me doing anything, not just gifts, for his family ever again. THAT I will tell MIL as she is forever passing jobs my way (tax returns, books for her sister’s business and basically all their paperwork).

Silly woman. Her little “prank” has just cost her and her family a shitload of time and money.

MIL and DN also need to google the word ‘prank’. Just doing something odd doesn’t count..

@longhairdocare was nothing said by MIL about you leaving? Did she genuinely think you were busy? I would have felt so awkward in her situation (which she deserves for showing up and demanding you pay for a dress!!). Just made me wonder if she had any idea if she had pissed you off? Also did DH tell her you had already paid for the xmas voucher?

Well done you. Leave them to it.

When you send DN her card, just remind her that she had had her present already
" hope you enjoyed wearing your birthday present"

sockunicorn I was busy. I was already going to my friends (but originally was coming home not staying over) so it was easy for me to say "Well I'm not going to be here" to MIL when she arrived. My anger adrenaline helped a bit!

She probably does have some idea she pissed me off but probably thinks it was her turning up unannounced, not the voucher thing as she sees us as the "rich relatives".

DH said he mentioned that we had already sent money for the voucher and MIL denied knowledge and pulled the "DN needs a treat" crap. DH said it was easier just to pay than to argue.

I know him. He is embarrassed that he is out of a job and so wants to act blase about it as if it is just one of those contracting things. And it can be. But it can also go horribly wrong.

The main thing here is that MIL KNEW and she still pulled this stunt. And she knew it was wrong because she turned up without saying anything. I don't care whether she is stupid or calculating, I've had it with her.

I can really relate to this LongHair. Both DH and I are contractors in our field (he earns considerably more than me, but I have an ongoing contract which is a set number of hours every month indefinitely while he has gaps between contracts). It works for us, mostly because we're both very cautious - lots of savings, very careful keeping up contacts, flexibility with DC etc, but DH's family veer between acting like he's a glorified temp who can be available at any moment to 'work from home' (ie do whatever cockamamie job they need in working hours) and assuming that money flows like water through our house. I don't know which annoys me more! Last year we got given tickets to an event neither of us wanted to go to as a 'gift' and told we should both take the day off work to go. They were most put out when we didn't go because we didn't want to lose two full days' pay and put the DC in nursery for something that couldn't be moved, that we didn't want to go to and which cost less than a fifth of the cost we'd incur going to it!

Your MIL is an absolute dick

I don’t blame you. Think you’re right with the “do nothing more” from here. I hope she realises in a year WHY you have said no to things.

GeekyWombat I sway between "It always works out" to "Shiiiit, what if nothing comes up".

Thing is I told MIL that we might have to move if DH couldn't get a contract. MIL was going on about how she was coming to stay in the summer, next year and the year after with various grandchildren and I said it to shut her up because she has NO empathy whatsoever. But she still acts as if we have money to burn.

You and your dh definitely need better boundaries otherwise this may happen again. Do you have any idea on making plans for this? I’d be perhaps be calling out your mil in a letter to her. You are so right to no longer do anyone’s books/tax returns for free. I’d either not do it or start charging if I were you. If these people need to file returns, they’re hardly destitute.

Longhair Ha I’m the same. It’s always when he’s between contracts, the first week or two is lovely, DC are excited, lots of jobs done round the house and garden, we get to sneak out to the cinema on their nursery afternoon. Then week three I’m casually asking ‘so got any meetings or interviewed planned?’ And by week four I’m cutting back on weekend takeaways, mentally working out how many weeks after his first week’s work the invoices might be paid and pretending I’m not worried at all, while he is doing exactly the same thing!

It’s worth it for the money / flexibility / life we have but it can be really stressful at times and lots of people just don’t get it.

longhairdocare - Please stick to your resolution to do no more jobs for them. Unless they are paying you a decent wage for the service you provide. Tax returns, business book-keeping, and paperwork ? My DH pays his accountant good hard-earned cash for those things.

Incidentally, DH was made redundant in February 2016 from the company he had been with for 28 years. He took voluntary because then he also got notice paid as well as redundancy, and has set up his own business working from home. Our income dropped by more than half, in some ways it was useful, forcing us to examine the outgoings and where these could be reduced. It was a worrying time but now he is very busy and has built up a good client base with some networking associated with that.

This year he is so busy work-wise that he is having to make sure he will be available for a summer holiday when I have taken annual leave ! This is a good thing.

I am sure everything will come good for your DH and his work situation in the longer term.

Dont know if anyone remembers this thread but just wanted to post that DH has had his contract renewed!

Not forgiving MIL though. She was untboughtful and crass and I’ve had it with her.

That's fantastic news

Lovely news for you both....fab bank holiday!

My 10yo would understand. Your DN definitely understands.